Husband wants to try anal

[Somethingdiferent]

I had a baby 6 months ago and I'm too uncomfortable with the idea of penetrative sex after a really traumatic birth and a 3rd, almost 4th degree tear - husband thinks a solution to our lack of intimacy is to try anal. Now I'm not necessarily against the idea, but we've been married for 11 years and this has never featured in our bedroom before. I am considering trying it but I'm terrified it will hurt like hell.. he assures me that it will be fine and that he knows what to do ect. My concern is that WHY is this only being mentioned NOW? In the 17 years we've been together (we got together very young) and our 11 years of marriage, he has never once suggested we try this, nor has he even dropped hints?

So I'm wondering if I'm just being insecure and overthinking this (YABU), or has he been wanting to try this for a long time and just used this as an opportunity to suggest it(YANBU)??

Also any advice on if you have tried this after having a traumatic birth etc please let me know if this helped your intimacy?

OP, your husband should respect you- there are plenty of non shoving a penis sexual activities while you are getting better from your tear.

Exactly.

The "orifice A is out of action so I'll suggest (possibly too nice a word) orifice B" approach does not say good things at all about op's husband's character, attitude towards sex and attitude towards women.

The fact that he apparently hasn't considered that orifice a & b are mm apart, and that orifice b is not a "designed for sex" orifice, and that many many many people find being penetrated in orifice b unbearable, and that research shows that women are even more likely to suffer injury and damage and continence issues after sex using orifice ...... All also reflect very very poorly on his character and attitude

I'd imagine he's unaware of the research because his research consists of watching porn. Where the paid actresses do a shit load (pun intended) of preparation off camera, and then fake enjoying it no matter how they feel.

I suspect there is a background attitude of entitlement to penetrative sex too - even in the aftermath of birth - and that makes me feel v sorry for op.

Why?

Why on earth would he be gay? Guess it's just too much (heterosexual) porn where sadly anal is seen as standard

Men posting on MN is more often than not telling women we are wrong and they being the man will tell them right

we have enough of mansplaining in real life. MN is open to everyone but read the room the vast majority are women we do not need a man explaining to us a man point of view

Man is agreeing the husband is an idiot - not cheerleading for anal

The historic contraception examples of heterosexual anal sex also have nothing to do with either enthusiastic consent or enjoyment on the part of the female; they have to do with desperation, and very likely (in the sort of societies women have lived in as second class citizens since the dawn of time) providing the service expected of them & that they had no right to deny, without risking their health with another pregnancy or creating another mouth to feed. Same for the prostitutes who provided it.

On the subject of perversions; anal sex and oral sex for that matter are perversions; if the purpose of the organ was not for sex & reproduction. However humans practice such "perversions" as do many other animals. The crucial factor is whether there is enthusiastic consent and initiation and enjoyment on both sides ...... That is not the case when a new Mum who has suffered a significant birth injury is being asked for it by her partner, she has not initiated the idea, and it's because he wants penetrative sex and can't have it in the usual orifice he has it. None of that is two way enthusiastic initiation and consent.

He's entitled, selfish, clueless and horrible. She's being put under pressure to try a penetrative sex act in an orifice not evolved for it, at a time when she's got an injury in the sane small area and is a new Mum with a baby to look after, and probably feeling quite vulnerability and dependant.

*vulnerable

He (no pun intended) is a fucking asshole.

He has also lied about what other women have said, gaslighted a few of us and called others homophobic for no reason. It’s not okay when men come on to these threads and act like this.

When she poos out of it daily? That's the logic the man uses.

@regustering My poos aren't as solid as a functioning knob unless I've been on a major food bender the day before. They also come out rather than go in.

Anuses are for doing a poo 💩but if there has to be anal in the bedroom then the male should be on the receiving end as he has the prostate.

I will say this for male posters: they are amazing at locating the minority of sex focussed threads

Read his previous posts

and yes men always pop up on threads about sex and another favourite is sex workers they often have known sex workers to really enjoy their job! though never are they a customer 🙄 but we silly women need to be told how much they love their work

I can’t believe what I am reading. Poo is soft and the digestive system is designed to push it out with eg peristalsis.

I can hardly believe I’m responding to this.

He wants it for his benefit, it's not the solution and you are at the bottom of his priority list. Literally.

I tried it a couple of times and didn’t enjoy it at all. Don’t do it, OP.

Stop it - he’s been calling posters homophobic.

It’s seriously weird (and that word is far tamer than the one I’d like to use).

My ex and I used to do it occasionally. I liked it but if he'd suggested it as a 'solution' as your husband had I would have hit the roof. Never do anything u do not want to do.

Are you comparing having a dick pushed up your ass and thrust in and out of it .... With the natural process of defecating (probably stools softened by a stool softener due to the birth injury)????

(Also one being entirely necessary and unavoidable, and the other being entirely unnecessarily and entirely avoidable).

Am I understanding you correctly?

Ah, the 'ol nympho happy hooker classic.

Funny how all the UK punting reviews say "typical east European surly attitude".

Probably because they're pimped and miserable. (The punters also refer to the pimps but never see the women as coerced somehow. They must think they just say "I don't fancy this any more hun, I know I make you money and that's your income stream but I'm offski, think.ill.wotk in Tesco, catch ya later" and they just let them go, no hard feelings.

(They don't think that, they don't like to think about anything inconvenient when they're sticking their dick in women; kinda like ops husband).

That poster told another poster that hating all men for the actions of a few is more than a bit 'silly'

It's just another NAMALT mansplaining post.

I wonder does he frequent male dominated forums where awful things are said about women and stick up for women.

Somehow I doubt it.

To be fair, I think (hope!) that poster was using a man’s warped logic; it’s not actually what she(?) thinks…. 🤞

I wondered about that. It was really unclear what the poster meant. Whatever the interpretation, it was an odd response to what the poster was quoting.

Interesting reading all these posts about my posts!

For clarity:

Firstly, the OPs DH was very insensitive and completely inappropriate. His energies should have been directed at supporting his wife at this time, not suggesting ways of having sex that showed no indication that he had any understanding of her injuries.

Secondly, no woman should ever be cajoled, persuaded or in any way ever feel obligated or I have anal sex. It seems women don't enjoy it and it is potentially damaging.

Thirdly the word "perverted" is never a value neutral word in normal speech, any more than a "bastard" is simply a child born outside marriage. It's derogatory and synonymous with being wrong. To say anal sex is perverted implies that those who engage in it willingly are perverts, which is effectively calling homosexual men perverts. That's clearly homophobic in my opinion.

Fourthly, anyone is free to say that anal sex is perverted, and as a believer in free speech I support that right. However, it is equally someone's right to express the opinion that saying such a thing is homophobic.
In the same way, someone is free to say they dislike black people, and equally it's
someone's right to say they believe that comment is racist.