My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is living in his mortgaged house, what can i do??

[Foodx123]

So, this is strange, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I received a lovely £1200 British gas bill for only 6 months of power.....

To cut a long story short... My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on. However, there is one thing I can't seem to get off my chest, and it's becoming worse, and talking about it with my partner is proving impossible. He has a 2018 ex-girlfriend who moved into his mortgaged house in 2020. He moves around a lot because of his job and needed a tenant. Three years later, she is still living in his two-bedroom house with a lovely garden, and my boyfriend will come fix everything and do all the maintenance because it is, after all, his home. But there's a catch... he's never actually there, and for the past 24 months we've dated, he's continued to pay half the mortgage and bills, which seemed reasonable at first - fair enough. When my daughter is with her father, he stays at my place. My flat is entirely electric, I am a single mother, a paramedic student, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the cost of living crisis. I pay private rent, and my monthly outgoings for rent and energy are £850, which has risen to nearly £1200 when it has been really cold and my PAYG meter reached £450. I've never asked for anything since he would buy me things, meals, and when I used to get unhappy about his ex paying a stupid amount of £350 a month for her share of the rent and energy, he would say that he would help but couldn't really afford to due to paying for two homes. I urged him to ask for more because he is never there and technically pays half her laundry and her daily shower! He tried, she didn't think the deal was unreasonable, and she said he can show up whenever he wants, so it's definitely fair. I calculated that he had spent only around 14 nights there since we had dated as there has been no need. If he was not in his flat 60 miles away, he stayed with me on weekends. She's a band 6 on her way to a 7 in the NHS, and he claims she's got debt, but how is that his problem? He is far too kind and says she is a great friend and is always there for him... I wonder how genuine it is at times. I've had to meet her a few times and she's lovely but she's getting an amazing deal. Yeah, she's nice to him, but I adore him, and he doesn't always recognise red flags, which worries me. The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together. I already had a few issues with friendships with ex's however I had to get over this because she is part of their friendship group. My bigger issue is why is his ex, with whom he doesn't have children, paying £350 a month for a house that would rent for around 750/800 easily, while I spend each month worried that I won't be able to find a house with a nice garden for my daughter to enjoy because I am only a student. I've expressed my feelings, but he has no plans to act on them. I'm not saying throw her out, but if he truly loves me, why wouldn't he do anything about it while his girlfriend struggles and the woman who essentially broke his heart has her best life while everyone else is battling with a cost of living crisis!! I simply don't know what to do or say. I'm also concerned that he is being taken advantage of by her and is unaware of it. Also, can I just add I did not find out about this until a few months in as I knew he had a couple of friends who are ex's and I did not really want to know at the time.

What would you do???? I cannot help but imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her. :(

You're rightly jealous that an ex is being subsidized to this extent. Fair enough it's his money but it shows a level of enmeshment and help that is not being offered to you. You are rightly feeling resentment at this. If he was renting to full market amount and saving but offering help with dinners etc more you'd not feel so bad. You are not being prioritized here and it is foolish economic planning subsidizing her for an easy life on his part. I would have a conversation but if you still feel bottom of the pile it may be time to prioritize your own needs over his.

You're entwining 2 issues, the ex and the finances.

What he spends his money on is not a lot to do with you currently. You don't share finances or ( officially) a home, so nothing to do with you. He's asked you to stay more, you weren't comfortable so you now spend more time at yours. That's on your actions

However

He should be contributing to your household for the costs incurred whilst you're there. He doesn't do the, ohhh I don't have enough money cos I'm running 15 different places.... He pays his fair share and does whatever chores u agree upon. He doesn't get to take the piss because he has a seperate arrangement that isn't benefitting you.

This isn't on the ex, this is on him. Obviously you're jealous of how easy she's getting life, I would be too in your shoes, but it's not her fault

Look if you want him to give you money for the electric when he’s there ask him. His arrangement with her is nothing to do with this. Whatever it costs for his weekends, just tell him you want 20 quid a month or something.

He should contribute for any additional costs that you incur whilst he’s at yours but from reading your original post it appears that you want him to assist with housing costs for you and your daughter. I can see why he is keeping his distance financially - have you ever had the discussion about the future?

Well I think he is being a bit of a mug, but you seem more bothered about the fact that it is her taking advantage of him rather than you.

My issue is more the principle surrounding how little she pays when yes she's an ex, and secondly I do a lot of work, cooking and cleaning which is worth more to me than the measly £25/£30 people have calculated he would use a month staying with me. This isn't about the money. I am his girlfriend and I feel as if I am drawing the short straw continuously. Anyway, he stays here sometimes a couple nights a week, other times it's been more.
But you'd be cooking anyway whether her is there or not, same for cleaning up after meals.

Don't get me wrong he should be mucking in but calculating up the cost/value of extra work you think having him round a few times isn't a healthy attitude.

Relationships are meant to be fun. When you have a new boyfriend/girlfriend you're not meant to be obsessing about their ex's salary, counting the pennies of a couple of showers, and working how much your new boyfriend/girlfriend is costing you in terms of washing a few additional plates on an evening.

In under 2 years you're not happy, have broken up and got back together again, he doesn't seem to chip in around the house when he stays, and you're obsessed with how he runs his (separate) finances. What are you gaining from this relationship?

My issue is more the principle surrounding how little she pays when yes she's an ex, and secondly I do a lot of work, cooking and cleaning which is worth more to me than the measly £25/£30 people have calculated he would use a month staying with me. This isn't about the money. I am his girlfriend and I feel as if I am drawing the short straw continuously. Anyway, he stays here sometimes a couple nights a week, other times it's been more

but She’s not just an ex. She’s a good friend and has been for a long time in fact they had a very brief relationship, she is mainly a friend,

surely you do not expect him to pay you to cook and clean? I can’t see how this relationship can continue, as it is starting to look like you want money out him. And are jealous as you think she’s getting some and you’re not

That's not her issue at all.

Her issue is that she wants the house for herself and her child. As she said herself in her original post.

imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her

She just wants the house for herself.

I agree. Execpt she later said she wouldn’t move there.

I think she believes if the house was sorted and sold he would be paying her for her labour when he stays over.

Yes but she says later she wouldn’t live there , sorry maybe I’m confused

Oh god, that can’t be it, surely..

I agree though she wants him to give her money. As said, I don’t think this can last.

The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together.

So you mention that when your bf and his ex gf split up he had no real idea what happened, sorry but he's not over her and that is why he is fully supporting her. I think you need to dump and not only because he's living with you for free, but because he still wants her back, he has unfinished business in my view.

Either that or she is hoping he moves jobs to near here and moves in and takes her bills over.

It doesn’t make sense.

But there’s a distinct connection. Op is coming across as very jealous and as though the ex/now lodger is directly taking money from her and her daughter

I don’t think she’s jealous of the ex, she’s confused because his words suggest much more commitment to her than his actions do.

She’s seeing this as the Ex’s fault for “making” him pay her bills because she doesn’t want to realise he’s stringing her along.

Sorry if this has already been said (not read everything) but was talking with a friend who works for hmrc and is letting his flat so 2ndhand info remembered after a few glasses of wine....don't take the figures as accurate

If my friend let a room in his flat but technically still live there (have a room/contribute to the bills etc) he can do this on a regular mortgage, but if he let the whole flat he need to change it to a buy you let mortgage, get a different house insurance etc

Tax wise he could can 'earn' £7000? From (can't remember what but personal things like it renting a room, etsey business, ebay etc) ... if you go over that you have to pay tax on it

... so maybe the bills and theoretical room are so he can claim he is only letting a rom to the bank and he doesnt have to re-mortgage and the rent is low so he doesn't have to sort out tax....

OP I think you've realised through this thread that your boyfriend will not take advise from you nor I'd he likely to change. Time for an ultimatum - sell the house (whatever its state -that's a red herring) or if he won't do that (therefore ensuring his ex moves out) dump him.

OP I think you've realised through this thread that your boyfriend will not take advise from you nor I'd he likely to change. Time for an ultimatum - sell the house (whatever its state -that's a red herring) or if he won't do that (therefore ensuring his ex moves out) dump him.
Agree the state of the house is a red herring, but he's probably going to say that rather than be honest and say "actually I like the security of owning my own property and I don't see why I should get rid of it for an on/off girlfriend".

I'll be honest, I'd be running for the hills if an on/off boyfriend of 2ish years told me I had to sell an independently owned asset to prove myself to him.

I had this OP. My BF co owned a flat with his ex , that she was first renting out while he paid half the mortgage (she kept the rent) and then she lived in & defaulted on payments, so he paid for her to live there. I told him - you are still in a relationship with her, I don't care about the form it takes. End the relationship with her or we are done.

This is messy.

You’re jealous of the ex and want him to contribute more to your household outgoings than he does to hers.

I agree that he should be contributing to household tasks and your increased costs, if the amount of time he spends at your place increases your costs considerably, especially as you are a student and a single parent.

He’s lazy and leaves you to do all the cooking, washing up, tidying up, etc, and you allow him to get away with it. He doesn’t contribute enough to your household in terms of physical labour or financial contribution. I’m not sure why you’d want to live with him.

His set up with his ex is odd and it sounds like there may be unfinished business there.

Sounds like you want him to sell the house as he doesn’t live there and doesn’t need it. He would then be financially able to set up home with you and your child down South nearer to your family, which would make your life easier financially, although he’d still wouldn’t lift a finger around the home but you’d be happier as he’d be paying more towards you and your lifestyle and further away from his ex.

Something else is off here. I can’t quite work out which one of you is the main chick or the side chick.

Your fuller response later in the thread is bang on, OP. You've realised that the money is a red herring - the real issue is that he's a crap boyfriend.

I've expressed my sadness for this and he's said I don't have a dishwater so he'd hate to wash up?

This man has no respect for you whatsoever. He expects you to stay up late to have your own dinner (that you've cooked!) having waited for him to finish his oh-so-important tasks - and doesn't even have the decency to wash up. Any decent man would stay up by himself if necessary and reheat his meal while you were comfortably tucked up in bed, and then thoroughly wash up so that the kitchen (your kitchen!) was clean when you came down in the morning with your small child. (He also wouldn't routinely stay in bed until midday.)

This