My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is living in his mortgaged house, what can i do??

[Foodx123]

So, this is strange, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I received a lovely £1200 British gas bill for only 6 months of power.....

To cut a long story short... My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on. However, there is one thing I can't seem to get off my chest, and it's becoming worse, and talking about it with my partner is proving impossible. He has a 2018 ex-girlfriend who moved into his mortgaged house in 2020. He moves around a lot because of his job and needed a tenant. Three years later, she is still living in his two-bedroom house with a lovely garden, and my boyfriend will come fix everything and do all the maintenance because it is, after all, his home. But there's a catch... he's never actually there, and for the past 24 months we've dated, he's continued to pay half the mortgage and bills, which seemed reasonable at first - fair enough. When my daughter is with her father, he stays at my place. My flat is entirely electric, I am a single mother, a paramedic student, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the cost of living crisis. I pay private rent, and my monthly outgoings for rent and energy are £850, which has risen to nearly £1200 when it has been really cold and my PAYG meter reached £450. I've never asked for anything since he would buy me things, meals, and when I used to get unhappy about his ex paying a stupid amount of £350 a month for her share of the rent and energy, he would say that he would help but couldn't really afford to due to paying for two homes. I urged him to ask for more because he is never there and technically pays half her laundry and her daily shower! He tried, she didn't think the deal was unreasonable, and she said he can show up whenever he wants, so it's definitely fair. I calculated that he had spent only around 14 nights there since we had dated as there has been no need. If he was not in his flat 60 miles away, he stayed with me on weekends. She's a band 6 on her way to a 7 in the NHS, and he claims she's got debt, but how is that his problem? He is far too kind and says she is a great friend and is always there for him... I wonder how genuine it is at times. I've had to meet her a few times and she's lovely but she's getting an amazing deal. Yeah, she's nice to him, but I adore him, and he doesn't always recognise red flags, which worries me. The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together. I already had a few issues with friendships with ex's however I had to get over this because she is part of their friendship group. My bigger issue is why is his ex, with whom he doesn't have children, paying £350 a month for a house that would rent for around 750/800 easily, while I spend each month worried that I won't be able to find a house with a nice garden for my daughter to enjoy because I am only a student. I've expressed my feelings, but he has no plans to act on them. I'm not saying throw her out, but if he truly loves me, why wouldn't he do anything about it while his girlfriend struggles and the woman who essentially broke his heart has her best life while everyone else is battling with a cost of living crisis!! I simply don't know what to do or say. I'm also concerned that he is being taken advantage of by her and is unaware of it. Also, can I just add I did not find out about this until a few months in as I knew he had a couple of friends who are ex's and I did not really want to know at the time.

What would you do???? I cannot help but imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her. :(

why are there parties at the house his ex gf has that you are invited to

I think that there's a lot to unpick here. But - you aren't happy and he's not willing to change things. That's the main point. Good luck Op.

Just get rid.. who lets their ex live in their house and pays half of the utilities.

He clearly has a masssive soft spot for her and still has feelings.

Not sure why you put up with it for 2 years.

what do you think you should do and why?

It's none of your business what he does with his house, same as it's none of his business whatever payment arrangements you have with your ex!

If you want him to contribute for the time he spends at your home, that's fine and if he refuses, then you deciding to bin him is also fine.

What's not fine is your evident jealousy and bitterness towards his ex's job and presumed finances. It's not her problem you're a single parent or that you feel your bf isn't contributing enough to your household!

"She is a great friend and is always there for him"
Oh boy. I think that's code for a lot of men / women that says "deep down I don't have the courage to let this person to move on and have a new life".
Bin him, this will always hangover your head, you need someone with no loose ends.

He lives in a THIRD property??
he's a total div for not letting out the second room or giving her notice and letting it out to a family who would pay double the rent she pays. Why isn't he??

I've come to the conclusion that I am not jealous of her. I am majorly pissed off at him. I was thinking exactly that reading your posts. You're justifiably pissed off that he doesn't contribute when he's there, doesn't even clean up after himself which is really the least you can possibly expect from an adult. You've been focusing on the house and the ex, as the problem, because it's easier to blame her then to accept the man you love is taking the piss and acting like your house is a hotel (except he doesn't pay) and like it's your job to run round cleaning up after him. He'd only get worse if you lived together. If you're not ready to LTB, put a firm boundary in place, what does he need to start doing to continue to be welcome at yours? And enforce it he doesn't stick to it. You're probably going to get a heap more posts that your jealous and can't expect him to pay at yours as they haven't RTFT and don't realise the house isn't really the issue.

He doesn’t owe you a house or a certain lifestyle. It seems you are mostly with him for what you thought you could get from him and when he hasn’t bought into your ‘a man is the plan’ you are mad.

He dated her for 6 months in 2018. This wasn’t a serious ex. You are jealous of her. I don’t know why you even know the ins and outs of all his finances and arrangements, it’s really none of your business. You can accept him as he is or decide he isn’t for you and move on. he gets to live his life how he wishes. Staying is wth him in the hopes he will give you this house is a terrible idea. Do you actually love him or just his money you thought you would get?

You and only you are financially responsible for your own life and that of your daughter.

sometimes I genuinely think there is something wrong with him. How can you ask someone time and time again for help and get nothing in return. The bare minimum.
I thinks it entitlement plus upbringing, but I'd love to know if you find a better explanation. Stbxh also Disney Dad of our DC is like this, though he wasn't this bad till we had DC. It's even worse getting no help when they're his children too. All I can figure is stbxh learnt this dynamic growing up, I have seen over the years the daughters pitch in, as did I, and the sons do bugger all. When you're exhausted and struggling and the person who is supposed to love you won't pitch in even a little to help you you end feeling resentful and angry and deeply hurt. It does a lot of damage to you and they don't ever do better because they don't see any problem with the way they're behaving.

Regardless of the showers and the candles, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who just sat there on Christmas Day whilst his mother cleared the table. It's an indication of him putting himself above other people.

I've got a friend whose husband doesn't lift a finger and I honestly can't go there for dinner any more. It makes me so uncomfortable and I hate seeing the way he treats her.

24 months is not that long, especially as you have a DC in the picture.
He doesn't live with you, he doesn't "owe" you anything unless you want to ask for contributions to your bills on the days he stays over given your financial circumstances.
You need to stop thinking about his situation. You have to manage your finances without him and stop imagining what it would be like if you had access to his money or property income. Your life sounds really tough so I get it but he may not be here for the long term and he has a very unstable lifestyle so I'd caution against letting your DD too attached.

I agree with you that this situation is very odd, and I don't quite understand why he's being so accommodating to his ex. But it's just not your house and not your battle to fight

Just caught up with all your posts OP
He's a shit partner! Don't move in with him FGS. You'd be permanently angry.

Sorry but this makes no sense .

You have a boyfriend of 2 years. He's away a lot. He owns a house and a flat. The house is occupied with a below market rent tenancy. He's telling you he can afford to contribute towards a third house (yours).

Stop going on about his ex. It's not the issue here and makes you sound unhinged.

You seem to think he's not still with her so no issue there although it does sound like he's still in some kind of relationship if they live together.

If he's spending a lot of time at yours and that's costing you more money then he needs to contribute. If he's not interested in moving in together to share costs then ditch him so you have a chance of finding someone who does want to share a life with you.

If times are tough have you considered getting a lodger? Would they fit? You could start spending time at your DPs place then to share costs more equally that way.

You have raised this with him but he isn't listening. He's obviously not bothered about whether you're happy with this situation or not, so you have no choice but to end it & find a partner who respects you

I'm think it's time to end the relationship. If you're feeling generous and want to give him the whole reason, then I'd stick to how he's taking advantage of you in terms of not contributing to the upkeep of your home while he stays there so regularly.

He costs you about £10 per week, so I wouldn't mention that because you say he treats you in other ways eg meals out etc.

He has an arrangement with his ex that is financially illogical, but I wouldn't mention that either because it's irrelevant to your situation. The only issue around the ex I'd mention is that he accommodates her needs, but doesn't do the same for you, therefore you feel as though her needs are more important to him than yours.

End it. Don't let him tell you he'll change, things will get better, he's doing his best etc. None of this will happen.

He's not the one.

Just read your updates. Just end it. He's treating you like a slave. What a user. Your life will be better without him in it.

What do you want him to do with the house?
Sell it?
Kick her out and have it empty?
Kick her out and you move in?

You’ve only been together 24 months and already you’ve had ‘lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out’.

In your initial posts you talked a lot about money and how it’s a struggle for you and not fair because the ex is able to live cheaply in your partner’s house. But then later you’ve backtracked and said it isn’t about the money and actually your partner doesn’t lift a finger to help around the house when he stays with you.

I don’t really see any of this magically getting better, do you? You sound pretty unhappy.

The early years of a relationship should be all about the romance and fun and spending time together falling in love. If there have been so many problems already so early on, I don’t think it’s going to last.

His house is his problem, OP.

I don't know him but he sounds like he needs a bit of metal in him. He has a house and rents a flat? Why? It's madness.

He probably doesn't have a tenancy agreement in place with his Ex, so whilst it might be tricky legally speaking to ask her to leave, that's what he needs to do.

@arethereanyleftatall

well, OP says he only stays when DD is at her Dads & OP's boyfriend is Dr so I presume shift work, he's only going to be costing her maybe £5 a month?!

@Dibbydoos because he works in Wales & the flat is in the midlands I think that's correct, too far to commute anyway).

she's a lodger, not tricky at all to serve her notice, but why should he? He has someone looking after his house while he can't live in it & he's happy with the arrangement.

OP is a girlfriend he spends the night with a couple of times a month, her choice is to stay with him or bin him. Not control what HE does, with HIS house.

@ZenNudist

He stays a couple of nights a MONTH, how much housework & bill
paying exactly do you think he should be responsible for? OP could go to his flat in Wales instead.

@Wallywobbles

clearly you haven't read the OP's posts?

I wouldn't put up with that. He's basically saying her feelings are more important to him than yours.