My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is living in his mortgaged house, what can i do??

[Foodx123]

So, this is strange, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I received a lovely £1200 British gas bill for only 6 months of power.....

To cut a long story short... My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on. However, there is one thing I can't seem to get off my chest, and it's becoming worse, and talking about it with my partner is proving impossible. He has a 2018 ex-girlfriend who moved into his mortgaged house in 2020. He moves around a lot because of his job and needed a tenant. Three years later, she is still living in his two-bedroom house with a lovely garden, and my boyfriend will come fix everything and do all the maintenance because it is, after all, his home. But there's a catch... he's never actually there, and for the past 24 months we've dated, he's continued to pay half the mortgage and bills, which seemed reasonable at first - fair enough. When my daughter is with her father, he stays at my place. My flat is entirely electric, I am a single mother, a paramedic student, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the cost of living crisis. I pay private rent, and my monthly outgoings for rent and energy are £850, which has risen to nearly £1200 when it has been really cold and my PAYG meter reached £450. I've never asked for anything since he would buy me things, meals, and when I used to get unhappy about his ex paying a stupid amount of £350 a month for her share of the rent and energy, he would say that he would help but couldn't really afford to due to paying for two homes. I urged him to ask for more because he is never there and technically pays half her laundry and her daily shower! He tried, she didn't think the deal was unreasonable, and she said he can show up whenever he wants, so it's definitely fair. I calculated that he had spent only around 14 nights there since we had dated as there has been no need. If he was not in his flat 60 miles away, he stayed with me on weekends. She's a band 6 on her way to a 7 in the NHS, and he claims she's got debt, but how is that his problem? He is far too kind and says she is a great friend and is always there for him... I wonder how genuine it is at times. I've had to meet her a few times and she's lovely but she's getting an amazing deal. Yeah, she's nice to him, but I adore him, and he doesn't always recognise red flags, which worries me. The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together. I already had a few issues with friendships with ex's however I had to get over this because she is part of their friendship group. My bigger issue is why is his ex, with whom he doesn't have children, paying £350 a month for a house that would rent for around 750/800 easily, while I spend each month worried that I won't be able to find a house with a nice garden for my daughter to enjoy because I am only a student. I've expressed my feelings, but he has no plans to act on them. I'm not saying throw her out, but if he truly loves me, why wouldn't he do anything about it while his girlfriend struggles and the woman who essentially broke his heart has her best life while everyone else is battling with a cost of living crisis!! I simply don't know what to do or say. I'm also concerned that he is being taken advantage of by her and is unaware of it. Also, can I just add I did not find out about this until a few months in as I knew he had a couple of friends who are ex's and I did not really want to know at the time.

What would you do???? I cannot help but imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her. :(

A shower? He has a shower at mine. I use the cooker more when he's here as I'm usually happy to have something on the hob. My flat is all electric, there's no gas unfortunately.

How much more electricity do you use? How much is he actually costing you per week?

This is none of your business. It's not your bf's role to pay your bills, charge his lodger more or sell his asset to make you happy.
Charge him rent for when he stays with you and ask for a contribution to your bills if you think that's valid.
But if a bf had asked me to sell my flat (which my relative stayed in because I travelled for work a lot) or to put my relative out or charge them more because he thought I should subsidise him - I'd have seriously questioned the relationship.
Wanting to interfere that much in the finances of someone you're dating is a red flag imo. You're bf and gf - there's no long-term commitment there yet.

This is headache inducing. Do you want to form a long term partnership with this man and if so, is that in your daughters best interests? Get that question answered first and if it’s yes, then sit down and have a very tough conversation with him. Where will you live, what’s a fair split of bills, are you going to be living as a family, will he be selling his property to finance a new house for you both?

or will you split up? Put your child first then get the facts.

So I can go by a day by day basis. £3.50-£5 a day just me and little one. When he's here it's £6.50-£7.50. My shower is electric and I've realised I'll use the oven for longer when he's here because we've had bigger meals that require longer cooking, I find myself cleaning up a lot more after him which is another issue. The washing up is ridiculous and a lot of water. I end up cleaning and hoovering a lot more. Haha I'm actually being taken for a mug omg he doesn't even wash up after himself and we argue about it.

with just me and her we have easier meals to stop wastage I guess. When it's me alone I've had it around £2 but obviously I wouldn't not bathe or feed my child regardless or cost.

So I have a smart meter thingy. I'm quite interested in it. A shower costs about 10p. The oven costs about 30p an hour. It might be different for you. But I just don't think I'd be asking a fairly new boyfriend for his 25p contribution to bills.

I think there's two issues.

Because he helps his ex so much (but also himself as he's paying off his mortgage) I think you're upset because he's not helping you.

But I don't think he should be helping you either yet. It's too soon. You're not partners, living together, nor have kids. I would still see your costs as your costs at this stage.

If I were in your position, after 2 years together & in love, I'd have asked long ago to serve her notice & have the same terms (or more favourable payments), to me for the property It's senseless for this arrangement to continue if you're considering living together & can use an existing property that one of you owns. She will know this is coming sometime.

Ah, cross post. So, he costs you £2.50 per week. I don't think I'd be asking for that op.

He obviously wants to keep her close.

He hasn’t put his foot down cos he likes having her there (with her dumb candles and fairy lights).

I am not asking him to pay my bills.

To make this simpler - he has a mortgage for a house he never stays in. He does not need the house. (His words) it serves no purpose for him, his ex's cats have destroyed the carpets, they pee everywhere, which resulted in some tiles lifting which had asbestos in so he had to pay a large sum to get that sorted. He covers things that if you were renting the landlord would want you to pay yourself.

He has not sold it because he doesn't have time apparently, there is also a lot of work that needs to be done - partially because of the cats so he needs to replace all the carpets.

I think people presume I am being selfish because this is a good deal for him and it's helping him. How does it help if he doesn't need the house? It's pretty much her house now and she doesn't live like a lodger - this isn't some one bedroom thing like a student would live. She has the entirety of the house and makes all the rules. Ive told him I don't like it and he has refused to do anything about it so.

So if someone has a lodger but then works away so is rarely home, that lodger should then pay more?

of course not

I’d be pissed off too. It would feel like he still cares about her and wants her to have an easy life. While watching me struggle.

I don’t know who dumped whom, but I’d be more concerned if it was her who dumped him as he prob still holds a candle for her?

Is the plan that they pay off the mortgage together. 25 years presumably. And then what? Sell 50/50? She continues to give him rent money until she’s bought him out?

If he’s promised she can stay then a promise is a promise. She can stay. You can’t deny her that.

However I don’t see why he’s paying half the bills for that house he is never in and also all the bills for another flat for himself - when he’s always round at yours. It’s just weird. I think the convo he should have with her is about utilities ctax etc and how she should pay that herself. He should just pay his half of the mortgage so he can get half the sale price when it eventually sells.

I wonder house much the mortgage actually is. Or how much it’s going up to. I’d be pissed if she was only paying 350 and the mortgage was like £1k per month or whatever.

It’s all very bizarre. Are you sure they aren’t married still?

Oh wow, my shower is definitely not that cheap. I've watched the meter go up whilst someone's had a shower and it'll go up like £1.20. Electric is ridiculous here.

The thing is - when he's been here and been here a lot I've never asked for money but I think my issue in terms of contribution is that yes I will pay, but he doesn't do anything else to help. I'll make food 99% if the time, and wash up and clean. I've expressed my sadness for this and he's said I don't have a dishwater so he'd hate to wash up? Some nights it's been left and I'll come down and I have my daughter and it'll be like 8am and he'a got up at midday and I am upset but apparently I don't give him a chance to sort it. Why am I going to wait 4 hours? There's more to it than money. I don't want money - I think I want help with the smaller things which are actually big and the bare minimum. Im not sure why I accept this it's ridiculous. Fully aware I am an idiot.

OP - read your posts back to yourself.

TLDR - just end it and get on with your life without him. It’s not worth you being this angry.

£2.50 extra a day I meant but he's here 3 nights most weeks. I don't ask for money - my issue is more I feel that I do everything from cooking to cleaning. If I let him cook he would ruin the kitchen and wouldn't clean after. I do a lot in comparison whilst paying for it. He's not a guest anymore.

he doesn't work away, he lives away in his own little flat with all his belongings. None of this stuff is in this house

He sounds awful and lazy.

Right - now I've thought about and everyone thinks I'm mad and jealous and irrational. I've come to the conclusion that I am not jealous of her. I am majorly pissed off at him.

He charges her nothing in comparison to what I pay - fair enough he shouldn't pay me anything and that's why I have never asked for anything. Yes I think she should pay the utilities because the bill he gets each month is based on what's been used - by her.

When he is here I do everything and he has way surpassed the role of "guest". Because I don't have a dishwater it's his excuse to not wash up. I've been sad countless times when I've gone to bed and the kitchen is a tip and I wake up the next day not knowing what where to start being too tired the night before after we've yet again had dinner at 11pm because he's been sitting there doing something majorly important or back late. Oh and I make dinner. Really nice meals too for gods sake. When I'm sad the next day he says that I don't give him a chance to come and clean at MIDDAY. I am up at bloody 8am and I don't want to sit in my living room which is also the kitchen area with dirty plates and having to rummage around finding clean bowls for my child's breakfast. sometimes I genuinely think there is something wrong with him. How can you ask someone time and time again for help and get nothing in return. The bare minimum. But then I guess I have something wrong with me too cos I been putting up with this.

I'm going to consider ending this relationship. My anger with his ex stems from his lack of helping me and I'm not talking financially.

If he's just staying at yours at weekends and it's costing £2-£3 a day extra when he's there that's just £16-£24 a month extra isn't it?

Honestly I don't really get what the problem is you just sound really jealous but if it's making you that unhappy then end it

If he’s a doctor and you’re planning a future of a life together then surely you’ll be laughing in the future financially when you’re married to your doctor husband. The house will be half yours anyway then.

I don’t get the benefits to the relationship as it currently stands. Do you believe the relationship will progress or is it all lip service?

Well, my last post summarises.

So it's not about money. It's about you feeling unsupported and uncared for and you think he is much more supportive of his ex.
He isn't washing dishes because he doesn't want to and there are no consequences if he doesn't do them.
You're right to end this relationship. It seems unless you have firm boundaries around basic behaviour (eg tidying) he is happy to let everything slide and leave you with the burden. Two years in, he isn't going to change.

It would bother me that he still has this connection with his ex. That aside, the rent that he charges his lodger isn't your business and you're no worse off because of it because it's not costing you anything. It WOULD become your business IMO if you moved in together and he couldn't contribute equally towards the rent/utilities/food etc because of it.

However, what you're saying about his behaviour when he stays with you is a worry. He's not going to get any less lazy when you live together and you'll he stuck with it full time, which isn't ideal for you and your daughter. Sorry OP but Id ditch him.

He’s lying. He is still in a relationship with her. There is no other explanation. You need to walk away.