My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is living in his mortgaged house, what can i do??

[Foodx123]

So, this is strange, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I received a lovely £1200 British gas bill for only 6 months of power.....

To cut a long story short... My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on. However, there is one thing I can't seem to get off my chest, and it's becoming worse, and talking about it with my partner is proving impossible. He has a 2018 ex-girlfriend who moved into his mortgaged house in 2020. He moves around a lot because of his job and needed a tenant. Three years later, she is still living in his two-bedroom house with a lovely garden, and my boyfriend will come fix everything and do all the maintenance because it is, after all, his home. But there's a catch... he's never actually there, and for the past 24 months we've dated, he's continued to pay half the mortgage and bills, which seemed reasonable at first - fair enough. When my daughter is with her father, he stays at my place. My flat is entirely electric, I am a single mother, a paramedic student, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the cost of living crisis. I pay private rent, and my monthly outgoings for rent and energy are £850, which has risen to nearly £1200 when it has been really cold and my PAYG meter reached £450. I've never asked for anything since he would buy me things, meals, and when I used to get unhappy about his ex paying a stupid amount of £350 a month for her share of the rent and energy, he would say that he would help but couldn't really afford to due to paying for two homes. I urged him to ask for more because he is never there and technically pays half her laundry and her daily shower! He tried, she didn't think the deal was unreasonable, and she said he can show up whenever he wants, so it's definitely fair. I calculated that he had spent only around 14 nights there since we had dated as there has been no need. If he was not in his flat 60 miles away, he stayed with me on weekends. She's a band 6 on her way to a 7 in the NHS, and he claims she's got debt, but how is that his problem? He is far too kind and says she is a great friend and is always there for him... I wonder how genuine it is at times. I've had to meet her a few times and she's lovely but she's getting an amazing deal. Yeah, she's nice to him, but I adore him, and he doesn't always recognise red flags, which worries me. The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together. I already had a few issues with friendships with ex's however I had to get over this because she is part of their friendship group. My bigger issue is why is his ex, with whom he doesn't have children, paying £350 a month for a house that would rent for around 750/800 easily, while I spend each month worried that I won't be able to find a house with a nice garden for my daughter to enjoy because I am only a student. I've expressed my feelings, but he has no plans to act on them. I'm not saying throw her out, but if he truly loves me, why wouldn't he do anything about it while his girlfriend struggles and the woman who essentially broke his heart has her best life while everyone else is battling with a cost of living crisis!! I simply don't know what to do or say. I'm also concerned that he is being taken advantage of by her and is unaware of it. Also, can I just add I did not find out about this until a few months in as I knew he had a couple of friends who are ex's and I did not really want to know at the time.

What would you do???? I cannot help but imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her. :(

yes I think you hit the nail on the head. I guess when there's lots of you guys throwing these things at me it makes me think more. I feel I definitely see her life as easier and she has a boyfriend who's always there and she doesn't have a life a finger and then when my boyfriends here with me I just feel unappreciated and it's all built up to this. he'd said he'd prove to me he could change but I can't help but imagine our lives in years to come where I am unhappy because I'm doing it all. I realised at Christmas when I spent Christmas Eve with his parents - he left his plates at the table for his mum to sort and I took mine and everyone else's to the kitchen and I just remember her looking at me confused. That's sure evidence he cannot change even if he wanted to.

the home in the midlands is gaining value and is probably viewed as an investment. if the home was empty there would be security costs and times when he would have to check on it and not be with you.

my son had similar arrangements (lodger paying minimal rent) as he worked in the oil fields as is away 2 weeks at a time, the lodger cares for the home and cat etc. as well as fulfils the insurance requirements of not leaving the home empty.
i see the biggest issue is financial strain, although with what appears to be only the rare weekend at yours, you are having difficulty making ends meet.

you're financial position is so close to the wire that cooking for 3 vs 2 is a strain.
same with shower for 3 vs 2.
if indeed you are a couple (and i'm not sure you are more than fwb) you two should sit and discuss long term finances and seek better financial strategy.
i would be interesting (although not the way you drip feed) to see the numbers and crunch through this from a monetary perspective.

We are in a relationship - not friends with benefits. We see each other more but are cautious with my daughter as she's only 3.

He doesn't wish to sell his property / house
Instead of leaving the property empty
He has a lodger
He is a landlord or "rents a room out" in a property that he is supposed to be living in

Does he rent or own the flat ?

1 & 2 are really not your concern

However, the fact that he stays with you regularly, is your concern. Because he is costing you money & effort.
When I stay with friends & family, I wash up & help with food prep & chores & that is the right & polite way to live.

You are paying for a man to stay with you

What she earns is irrelevant, what band she has worked her way up to is irrelevant, the fact that you have chosen to be a student (and were already before you met him) is irrelevant, him being a doctor is irrelevant...

The situation as I see it is this...you have a boyfriend who you only see at weekends (so in two years have really only spent a small amount of time with). The boyfriend owns a house in which he has a lodger who predates your relationship, because he works away he also rents a separate property. He stays with you because you don't want to stay at his (he has invited you), so if he wants to see you he has to spend the limited time you have together at your house. You would like him to pay towards your electricity. Personally I see it that you are choosing to host him every weekend, so that's that. I wouldn't ask him for electricity money.

I think the bigger issue is that you expected your boyfriend to financially support you and you see it that he is financially supporting his ex (he isn't). This isn't the relationship for you, time to be realistic about your expectations and move on.

Exactly.

Why on earth be in a "relationship " that is such fucking hard work???

It's supposed to be fun, you know.

Nothing. Not your house, not your call, not your business.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this, OP, and I don't think you're in the wrong at all for feeling upset.

But, I think there might be harsh truths you're not facing. I don't say this to be hurtful, and obviously I don't know you, your partner, or your relationship, but it might be a good idea to step back and have a proper look at your relationship now before he moves in with you and your child.

The bottom line is, your boyfriend is having a relationship with another woman that is causing you pain, and he is choosing to put continuing to have a relationship with this woman over your feelings.

Maybe that relationship is platonic, maybe it's not (the amount of times I've heard women complaining that their partner is being manipulated by an "ex" and it's turned out the "ex" is very much a "current"), the fact is, he has an ongoing relationship with her and he's choosing to put his relationship with her above you. He won't stop. You've come up with lots of reasons to avoid putting responsibility for his actions onto him (he's scared, he's busy, etc.) but he's a grown man.

He has made a choice that he wants this other woman living in his house and he doesn't want you living there.

He's made a choice to put his relationship with another woman over his relationship with you.

Maybe they're still involved, maybe he's still in love with her and hopes she'll take him back, maybe it's co-dependent, who knows. But I wouldn't date a man who is so intimately involved with an supposed ex that he financially supports her (obv not referring to spousal or child support).

And this man is not your husband, he's not even a live-in partner. He's just someone you're dating. If you're this unhappy at just the dating stage, is this really someone you want to commit to?

I would tell him that you are no longer ok with this arrangement. This isn't early on in your relationship where you'd have no right to say anything.

He needs to either sets up a proper tenancy where she pays the rent and bills, or she moves out and he works out what he wants to do with the property.

The problem is, I think, you're jealous of her. Your partner either needs to be doing more for you, or you end it

This is none of your business so stay out of it.

Jealous seething from you, stay out of it

I think @DaisyQuakeJohnson and I are reading a different set of posts to other people...
@Foodx123 He is a cocklodger. He is disrespecting you, whilst allowing his X to live the life of riley. He is 'scared' of upsetting her. Or doesn't want to rock the boat. He is not that invested in this relationship, or he would put his money where his mouth if. He's already said he won't be giving you any money, as he 'cant afford' to, but seems to be able to treat himself to luxuries, just not you.

If he can't, or more likely refuses, to put his hand in his pocket, do you want to live like this, with him mooching off you? That's really the bottom line here.

I think you might want to consider the idea that he’s telling you more with his actions than his words. He isn’t kicking his ex out or demanding more from her because he doesn’t want to. He isn’t selling the house because he doesn’t want to. He prefers to keep all that gong and leach of you.

I think he likes to feel his life is more separate from yours than you do. You’ve said you’ve had a fairly rocky relationship so far. Whatever he’s saying to you, it may be he isn’t really seeing this relationship getting more serious - he’s happy with what he has and isn’t prepared to change anything about the rest of his life to make his life with you work better for you.

The washing up thing would have put me off him totally by now, so yeah, either ask him to pull his weight and contribute a little to food and bills - or be single. If he doesn’t have enough income and won’t find say £150 a month or whatever to straighten things out with you- then he needs to increase his income somehow…

Maybe he keeps her close incase she changes her mind in the future about him. If I was in your shoes, I would be pissed off. I couldn't be with someone who still has their ex in their life without having a child.

So was she living there when you met him?

If it wasn’t a problem then why is it an issue now? I get that you are coming round to the fact that it’s him you are mad at. But you have also accepted the way he is.

Of course people think you are jealous. The last paragraph proves that. Though I don’t get how him selling the flat will improve your life or your bills.

He should be paying you the extra it’s costs you to have him at yours. That’s its. Or some token rent. If he refusing and doesn’t think he should….why are you having him there?

Stop thinking about how easy her life is compared to yours. It’s really pointless.

If he sells he still needs a house where he is registered to live. If it’s at yours, it will impact council tax and benefits if you get them.

But what it costs her to live is really non of your business. Lodgers don’t pay more because the owner gets a girlfriend and stays out more nights.

I don’t think this relationship is for you. I don’t believe he is that bothered by her living there. He is telling you he is annoyed. But he isn’t doing anything. If he was annoyed and didn’t like the situation, he would change it. Do you want to be with someone who puts up with situations that are to his detriment and yours and don’t do anything about it?

He sounds like an arse regarding how he treats your home.

It really sounds like you don’t like him anymore and are holding on to her, her living costs and projecting it on her.

If you end it, just end it. Don’t stay because he promises to sort the situation out with her or promises to do the pots. He will simply fall into he usual habits again.

Also when you said this

My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on.

My heart sank for you. So many women believe this is the start of a great love story. Drama and upset then finally declaring love for each other and a happy ever after. More often than not, it’s not. It’s just the start of a poor relationship that will continue down the same route.

Could you stay at his flat when your daughter is at her dad's?
That way you use his energy, he can cook for you and use his dishwasher?
That was things would balance out.

I definitely feel more comfortable cooking and cleaning in my own home rather than someone else's.

Your whole relationship sounds odd :

1. You knowing details about who pays what bills
2. you expecting him to house you
3. you going to parties at his ex house
4. thd ups and downs

Jealous of the ex much? Sound like a 13 year old waffling on.

There's a couple of different issues here to me.

He has a property that's likely to gain value. He doesn't want to become a landlord. His insurance probably requires the house to be lived in. He's probably decided that it's easier for him whilst working away to keep the property, let his ex live there for lodging money, and then if and when he wants the house back it's his. As a lodger the ex has fewer rights than a tenant. It seems a mutually beneficial agreement.

You seem to be viewing it that your situation and finances are caused by the ex, with the implications that if she paid your boyfriend more he'd be paying you.
The obsession about her salary, her having the best life etc. She works full time on a good salary and you chose to be a student. You're going to have different situations. She isn't having the best lift at other people's expense.

If he's staying with you when your child is at her father's then he ought to be chipping in to food etc but I also wonder if you'd be counting the minutes the oven is on for if you weren't preoccupied with the ex.

To be honest you sound really petulant and jealous and a bit entitled. I get that you are angry that you think she is taking him for a ride but really it seems like you want the house for yourself so you can have an easy ride? I’m feeling a bit sorry for this bloke …

Why don't you move in to to his house with the ex girlfriend. That way he stays in the house he owns. You're not supporting 3 households between the 2 of you, but just 1. Massive savings for everyone.

Bonus points if she moves out.

What financial/living arrangements he has set up for his own house are really none of your business. It sounds like you are bitter because you are renting & struggling with col & he has a mortgaged house with 2 bedrooms just sitting there so if it wasn’t for his highly paid ex living there for sod all rent then you could be in there paying sod all too.