My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is living in his mortgaged house, what can i do??

[Foodx123]

So, this is strange, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I received a lovely £1200 British gas bill for only 6 months of power.....

To cut a long story short... My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on. However, there is one thing I can't seem to get off my chest, and it's becoming worse, and talking about it with my partner is proving impossible. He has a 2018 ex-girlfriend who moved into his mortgaged house in 2020. He moves around a lot because of his job and needed a tenant. Three years later, she is still living in his two-bedroom house with a lovely garden, and my boyfriend will come fix everything and do all the maintenance because it is, after all, his home. But there's a catch... he's never actually there, and for the past 24 months we've dated, he's continued to pay half the mortgage and bills, which seemed reasonable at first - fair enough. When my daughter is with her father, he stays at my place. My flat is entirely electric, I am a single mother, a paramedic student, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the cost of living crisis. I pay private rent, and my monthly outgoings for rent and energy are £850, which has risen to nearly £1200 when it has been really cold and my PAYG meter reached £450. I've never asked for anything since he would buy me things, meals, and when I used to get unhappy about his ex paying a stupid amount of £350 a month for her share of the rent and energy, he would say that he would help but couldn't really afford to due to paying for two homes. I urged him to ask for more because he is never there and technically pays half her laundry and her daily shower! He tried, she didn't think the deal was unreasonable, and she said he can show up whenever he wants, so it's definitely fair. I calculated that he had spent only around 14 nights there since we had dated as there has been no need. If he was not in his flat 60 miles away, he stayed with me on weekends. She's a band 6 on her way to a 7 in the NHS, and he claims she's got debt, but how is that his problem? He is far too kind and says she is a great friend and is always there for him... I wonder how genuine it is at times. I've had to meet her a few times and she's lovely but she's getting an amazing deal. Yeah, she's nice to him, but I adore him, and he doesn't always recognise red flags, which worries me. The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together. I already had a few issues with friendships with ex's however I had to get over this because she is part of their friendship group. My bigger issue is why is his ex, with whom he doesn't have children, paying £350 a month for a house that would rent for around 750/800 easily, while I spend each month worried that I won't be able to find a house with a nice garden for my daughter to enjoy because I am only a student. I've expressed my feelings, but he has no plans to act on them. I'm not saying throw her out, but if he truly loves me, why wouldn't he do anything about it while his girlfriend struggles and the woman who essentially broke his heart has her best life while everyone else is battling with a cost of living crisis!! I simply don't know what to do or say. I'm also concerned that he is being taken advantage of by her and is unaware of it. Also, can I just add I did not find out about this until a few months in as I knew he had a couple of friends who are ex's and I did not really want to know at the time.

What would you do???? I cannot help but imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her. :(

How do you know what candles she has where?

Just show him this thread as it explains exactly how you feel - it should all resolve itself pretty fast.

hmm, no it's not jealously. It just annoys me how she's treated him in the past and now has an easy life at his expense. He pays half her bills whilst he's using my electricity but I've felt bad to ask for money and I should have, really should have. He's a doctor so not like he cannot afford it, he just overspends and admits that himself. I am actually such an idiot.

Are you two planning on living together? I wouldn't be angry at her. This isn't her fault. Why on earth would she find somewhere else to live if she can live for cheap there? It's him you need to be having conversations with. Just getting angry about it isn't going to change anything and it'll just get worse.

Well If he lives with you you tell him you want x amount towards bills etc, if he increases her rent or pays out off his own pocket that's on him, if he won't pay then tell him to pack his bags simple!!!

Well, he's not happy with it, he's just accepted her refusal because he's too scared to put his foot down.

He's a doctor??? Yes, you're the mug here unfortunately. Either confront him or be done with him

I'm answer to a question about why I know there are candles - he takes me round there when there's parties or meet ups and I've seen the house and it's completely set up for her. That's how I know. He's asked me in the past if I want to stay there more with him as he's paying for it but I just don't comfortable staying round a house where his ex is, where they've had sex previously with all her stuff. Im not blaming her, I actually get on with her, it's getting through to him I struggle with. I know she won't leave as long as she's getting that price. We are planning on living together so that's why I've started thinking about these things because it affects how much we can afford due to his current commitments to that.

What he pays for her is none of your business in my view.

HOWEVER that he is cocklodging off you, contributing significantly to your costs, but paying nothing in bills is your problem. As others have said - its taking money from your child.

I would be going him an ultimatum- either he starts contributing to the increased costs he is causing you (and you don't care where the money is coming from) or he doesn't cause you extra costs.

(Long term. I would be expecting him to give up the house and either rent it out fully, properly for market rent or sell it. But I don't think you are at the stage to have a view on that yet.)

He is a doctor - works in wales and has a flat there and he stays there every night apart from the weekend when he's with me, unless he has other plans. The mortgage house is in the west mids and he doesn't stay there unless there's been a reason like a party - where others have too or he goes to sort stuff out. Everyone is saying he's got a lodger he's got someone to look after this house etc but what doesn't make sense to me is he's never there - he's paying to not be there and he doesn't need the house. We may even more down south because my family are there so he's considering applying for registrar training in the east of England so... he knows he doesn't need the house

If you’re thinking of living together, would you like him to give her notice, move out of his flat and commute to work while you both live in his house and split mortgage and bills?

Tell him you’d like to rent it from him instead under the same conditions. He knows you’re struggling and this would really help you and could he make that happen? If he’ll only do this for her and won’t consider you I’d probably bin him

You're getting cross with how much he subs her, but what him to sub you instead. That's hypocritical isn't it.

If you feel he's at yours so much that it increases your bills by more than he pays for for you with the stuff you detailed in your op, then ask him for a contribution.

But your col increases aren't his responsibility, they're yours. Get a part time job whilst your dd is at school or at her dads if you can't afford your lifestyle. It's not his responsibility to sub you.

It's none of your business really, what rent he charges his lodger. I imagine there is a lot of value for him in having a lodger who he knows he can trust, and one who doesn't mind if he turns up and stats occasionally. That's a definite reduction in market rent.

You're conflating 2 points. If he's semi living with you and using energy then ask him to contribute or not stay. If you don't that's on you. Its nobody else's fault you feel bad for asking, not hers definitely.

If you're not comfortable him having an ex that he subsidses financially and sees regularly to fix things around the house then have a clear conversation where he explains himself and make this a deal breaker if you need to. If he decides to continue for whatever reason then that's that. It may be as others say that it somehow makes financial sense (I'm not well versed in being a landlord at all so don't know).

Have you had a discussion about living together? If not then it's not your house to be annoyed about not living in with your daughter.

Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with this but I wouldn't be letting him cocklodge at mine in the meantime.

He hasn't put his foot down because he hasn't had to. Sorry but that's the simple truth of it.

Why would he do something he doesn't want to (have a conversation he finds difficult/make her pay more) when there are no consequences for him? You've stayed with him 2 years of this, you're planning to progress your relationship to the next stage and move in with him despite it. He has no reason to cua ge anything.

I suspect a part of you is worried that if you put your own foot down and issued him an ultimatum that him subsidising her needs to stop or you break up that he would not follow through. You're misplacing your anger at that feeling.

A man who would do that isn't a man worth having.

we wouldn't live there at all. Different region entirely. I'm moving back down south, if he moves with me for work, then yes we would.

You're choosing to subsidise a man and his ex, so this is on you. Your daughter doesnt deserve you putting a man and his ex before her. Id rather spend more on my child, than be in such a ridiculous situation. The Ex isnt your problem- he is. Shes done nothing wrong here.

he needs to pay half everything if you live together. Make that really clear from the start. He can’t say he can’t afford it. If he needs more money he must start charging full rent. Are you planning to have kids together? At that stage it becomes even more important he stops subsidising his ex

Start charging him rent.

See.. Why is no one else seeing this? Like my point is not that I am jealous and bitter even though it does come across that way. I care more about the PRINCIPLE and the fact my boyfriend cannot see my struggle and the sleepless nights I have had but still continues to talk about how she's getting such a great deal and tells me he cannot help me as he's paying for her energy bills. I am his girlfriend so why is he allowing this? I don't want his house, I don't want to kick her out. I just want help from him and I guess I have got my answer and that I need to ask him to contribute or he can stay there where he's actually paying for.

How would him staying with you have affected your heating bills? It costs the same to heat a house regardless of how many people are in it.

Your so daft.. your paying for him and his ex basically ding dong

Hey OP - there is a single mother who is actually paying for her boyfriend to stay with her rather than using that money for her own child.

Why aren't you angry at her?

I am his girlfriend though. Surely people help their partners out more so than an ex? Unless there's a child involved.

I haven't asked for money from him, not once. He pays half her energy and he is not there, he said he couldn't afford to help me because of this, without me asking for help. I can be upset without expectations of help from him. Also, my degree is 5 days a week and I am a 3rd year student paramedic. I'm also doing placement which is 12 hour unpaid back to back shifts. This is not about me having no money and I would never put my child in that position where I had nothing left. As I said above, this is about the principle but I am going to ask him for help because I use more electricity when he's here as I just had a thorough look. Either that, or he can go and stay there where he's already paying for it so no loss.

You only ned to do one thing. Bin him and stop letting him make a fool out of you.