My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is living in his mortgaged house, what can i do??

[Foodx123]

So, this is strange, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I received a lovely £1200 British gas bill for only 6 months of power.....

To cut a long story short... My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on. However, there is one thing I can't seem to get off my chest, and it's becoming worse, and talking about it with my partner is proving impossible. He has a 2018 ex-girlfriend who moved into his mortgaged house in 2020. He moves around a lot because of his job and needed a tenant. Three years later, she is still living in his two-bedroom house with a lovely garden, and my boyfriend will come fix everything and do all the maintenance because it is, after all, his home. But there's a catch... he's never actually there, and for the past 24 months we've dated, he's continued to pay half the mortgage and bills, which seemed reasonable at first - fair enough. When my daughter is with her father, he stays at my place. My flat is entirely electric, I am a single mother, a paramedic student, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the cost of living crisis. I pay private rent, and my monthly outgoings for rent and energy are £850, which has risen to nearly £1200 when it has been really cold and my PAYG meter reached £450. I've never asked for anything since he would buy me things, meals, and when I used to get unhappy about his ex paying a stupid amount of £350 a month for her share of the rent and energy, he would say that he would help but couldn't really afford to due to paying for two homes. I urged him to ask for more because he is never there and technically pays half her laundry and her daily shower! He tried, she didn't think the deal was unreasonable, and she said he can show up whenever he wants, so it's definitely fair. I calculated that he had spent only around 14 nights there since we had dated as there has been no need. If he was not in his flat 60 miles away, he stayed with me on weekends. She's a band 6 on her way to a 7 in the NHS, and he claims she's got debt, but how is that his problem? He is far too kind and says she is a great friend and is always there for him... I wonder how genuine it is at times. I've had to meet her a few times and she's lovely but she's getting an amazing deal. Yeah, she's nice to him, but I adore him, and he doesn't always recognise red flags, which worries me. The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together. I already had a few issues with friendships with ex's however I had to get over this because she is part of their friendship group. My bigger issue is why is his ex, with whom he doesn't have children, paying £350 a month for a house that would rent for around 750/800 easily, while I spend each month worried that I won't be able to find a house with a nice garden for my daughter to enjoy because I am only a student. I've expressed my feelings, but he has no plans to act on them. I'm not saying throw her out, but if he truly loves me, why wouldn't he do anything about it while his girlfriend struggles and the woman who essentially broke his heart has her best life while everyone else is battling with a cost of living crisis!! I simply don't know what to do or say. I'm also concerned that he is being taken advantage of by her and is unaware of it. Also, can I just add I did not find out about this until a few months in as I knew he had a couple of friends who are ex's and I did not really want to know at the time.

What would you do???? I cannot help but imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her. :(

Yep.

All you can do is bin him off. I would.

He's taking the absolute piss.

Add up how much he's costing you.

That's the salary you are paying him for him to be your boyfriend.

Ask yourself if he's worth it

He doesn't live in the house so she is not a lodger she has an AST. She is a tenant and he would struggle to remove her from the property as it's unlikely he can use a s21. Unless he has served all the documentation I.e. gas safety etc?

Two things: he's living off you, when he could easily rent his house for a proper market rent. Cocklodger. I'd get rid of him for that alone.

And this:

We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on.

Relationships are not meant to be so difficult. Honestly.

Except he does have a room there so although only been there a handful of times it's not a AST he could technically live there the fact he rarely does isnt the point and by the sounds of it I very much doubt they have a contract at all let alone something fixed or with a break clause!
As said it sounds like he hasn't set up as a landlord properly

OP, she is using him (I’ve never heard of someone living off a long-ago ex-boyfriend like that), and he is using you.

You need to have a serious talk with him. She’s openly making a fool of him, letting her cats damage the house etc. That’s his problem.

He’s not costing you much, it’s more that you’re hurt by his attitude.

He needs to get the house sorted out. The only excuse to subsidise her staying there would be if she was looking after it beautifully, whereas she is doing the opposite!

And you and he need to decide where your relationship is going.

Best of luck.

He doesn't live there, that is fact. Therefore she is not a lodger, it is an AST.

Whether there is a written agreement or not, it is still an AST by default. That is the legal position.

So your BF has his own flat which he pays for?

And also a mortgaged house which he lets his ex stay in for a peppercorn rent?

But you also expect him to stump up money for your place?

You don't say how often he stays with you?

He's not a partner, he's a boyfriend. If you don't live together, you shouldn't expect a financial contribution. Presumably you're claiming single parent benefits and if he starts contributing to your rent and bills, you would need to tell DWP, no?

But yes, the situation with the ex girlfriend would piss me off as well.

Stuff cooking . Get him to buy you takeaways on weekends. Tell him it's your time off and you're not cooking .

It's none of your business really, what rent he charges his lodger

it is if he is costing someone else money

I suggest you go back and read the OPs post he has been there in the time that she has been with him and does have his own room there!

OP they're both taking you for a fool. I don't see this is about jealousy at all. Money aside, there's something weird he let's her stay there and continues to pay half the bills and he has a bed there too? All very strange. Honestly I would back off from both of them.

He may be breaking the law in terms of having an arrangement set up where she's the lodger and only has a lodger's legal agreement (if she has any at all) and hence lodger's rights, but she's actually a sole tenant because he doesn't live there, and should have an Assured Shorthold Tenancy and all the protection that brings her. Yes he is probably also keeping it under the tax liability under the rent-a-room scheme, but this could be fraudulent as he doesn't live there so he's not got the right to do that. It must also suit her - it's cheap, flexible, she trusts him not to kick her out with too-short notice I assume, he's reliable with the maintenance, it's going to suit her. Having her living there and presumably it causing no problems, rather than having to go through all the faff of meeting all the regulations for a proper tenancy. He might not have all the right certificates and checks in place that are required even for having a lodger in, and if so that would be a serious offence too and be putting her at risk.

Yep, tough talk about future living arrangements and where he sees your relationship going, if anywhere, and how your financial priority is your daughter and he needs to sort his financial affairs out and step up to pay his own way if you stay together, is definitely needed.

Are you absolutely sure he's not also in some kind of relationship with the ex-girlfriend that is a bit more than friendship? Even if it is, the intertwined nature of the relationships can't be good for your daughter and you really.

I suggest you go and read Housing Act 1988. But I give up, just please don't give advice on the law.

What he's doing with his house makes perfect sense financially. The amount his lodger pays is tax free. If instead he rents is out as a whole property he'd pay most of the additional rent in tax, extra compliance with landlord safety checks and certification, managing agent's fees, plus risk getting bad tenants that damage it. Plus probably have to remortgage it onto a BTL mortgage at a higher rate so might even make a loss on the rent and have to make up the shortfall on the mortgage himself. And he'd not be able to stay there sometimes when he wants to. Also much harder to get tenants to leave if he does want to move back there full time/ sell it.

And then complain that you inviting him to stay at your house is costing you maybe £20 per month. Seems very petty. Presumably also if he is travelling to visit you from the place he is living and working which is likely costing much more than that?

And franky, why are his financial affairs any of your business? You've only known the guy 15 months and said in that time you have argued and broken up repeatedly and now say he is uncaring as well as the relationship being unstable. It doesn't soound healthy at all, in terms of his laziness, your communication with each other or your obsessiveness about/ interference in his finances/ jealousy of his ex.

I only read through the first 3 pages of replies but people are trying to gaslight you. You are totally right to be passed off about this arrangement.

No one would rent a house out to friend at a great loss plus pay half the bills when they don't live there ? Absolute madness, I would suggest he is still in some sort of relationship with the woman living here otherwise what it the point?

Is he committed to your relationship because his actions suggest he is not. You've been together for a while now, after this length of time i would find it disrespectful that he hasn't sorted this other house out. I wonder how he can afford to run 2 houses on a junior Dr's salary, with rising interest rates he's going to have to think about what's he's going to do.

Honestly @Foodx123 he’s just not that into you. The ex bit is a red herring but the fact that he expects you to clean up for him and pay for him when you’re financially struggling suggest that he doesn’t care about you. Whatever you two have at the moment is convenient for him for now but not his long term plan. Sorry. I would get rid and definitely don’t introduce him to your daughter. Good luck 💐

Hi,

I think people are getting a bit confused about the idea that I want him to give me money. That is not the case at all and I have never asked for money.

My issue is more the principle surrounding how little she pays when yes she's an ex, and secondly I do a lot of work, cooking and cleaning which is worth more to me than the measly £25/£30 people have calculated he would use a month staying with me. This isn't about the money. I am his girlfriend and I feel as if I am drawing the short straw continuously. Anyway, he stays here sometimes a couple nights a week, other times it's been more.

I wouldn't claim UC if we lived together.

People are commenting about the housing situation, whether he's a landlord, or there's a contract etc. No there is nothing in place. He is the owner, he pays the full mortgage and bills. She is listed as living there but that is as far as it goes. She has no rights as there is no agreement. She sends a direct debit every month.

The whole relationship sounds shit! You have only been together two years and have managed to pack in a fuck tonne of drama.

Dump him and just enjoy an easier life as aa single parent for a while.

Op you need to seperate the two issues. He has already let you know that he won't do anything about the house so park it. Stop commenting. you are still a fairly new relationship at 24 months

However at your home. Once find is done. "OK now we will do the dishes do you want to wash or dry?" If he excuses he has x y z to do. Then say "you better come do the dishes now then so you can get on with that but dishes first I'm not waking g up to yet another mess."

Tell him outright your bills have gone up by £X month with him staying here you would like hin to cover this. Make him pay for some of the food. Bring him into a partnership.

If he refuses all of this then get rid as all you then have is a cocklodger. Doesn't matter if he is a doctor they can still be cocklodgers.

In a few years time if you start talking of living together by all means raise the issue of how will this work financially but with regards to his longer keep out completely. It doesn't matter why it is as it is. It simply is and he is accepting it. You cant change that. You CAN change what YOU accept.

I'm afraid you're wrong. There is an agreement, she lives there, she pays rent so that's a contract. Its almost definitely an AST. I'm a housing lawyer. He should take some legal advice because he's going to run into trouble if she decides to seek advice and exercise her legal entitlements. He would do well to ask her to move on whatever the position. These 'informal' arrangements rarely end well for the landlord.

This

you’re just annoyed it’s an ex

whether he pays his share of costs when he visits you is a completely different discussion

Hahaha. This is funny.

Firstly, he tells me this stuff and I've never asked. He wants my advice as his girlfriend. He wants me to have a financial say whereas I declined as I feel uncomfortable discussing his house with the ex in. But he isn't willing to change that yet. She has not signed anything, she isn't a tenant, she is just there and sends him money monthly via a faster payment when she remembers.

Also, no. I am not interested in his money. I've have spent A LOT on him. Birthdays, when he passes exams, meals out. He offers me lots of things and I will turn them down. Also junior doctors don't actually earn a lot lol.

If he wants her to pay full rent then he would have to have a proper rental arrangement, and no longer expect to stay there whenever he wants to. The fact that he doesn't stay there much doesn't alter that their arrangement says he can and presumably he has some belongings there? It sounds as though he doesn't want to do that. Perhaps you need a conversation why. If he does want to he needs to alter the terms of the rental agreement and then insist on a proper rent. But there isn't much you can do about it if he doesn't want to change anything