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Original poster

My boyfriend's ex girlfriend is living in his mortgaged house, what can i do??

172 replies

Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:07

So, this is strange, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I received a lovely £1200 British gas bill for only 6 months of power.....

To cut a long story short... My partner and I began dating 15 months ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs, split up, talked things out, declared our love for each other, and so on. However, there is one thing I can't seem to get off my chest, and it's becoming worse, and talking about it with my partner is proving impossible. He has a 2018 ex-girlfriend who moved into his mortgaged house in 2020. He moves around a lot because of his job and needed a tenant. Three years later, she is still living in his two-bedroom house with a lovely garden, and my boyfriend will come fix everything and do all the maintenance because it is, after all, his home. But there's a catch... he's never actually there, and for the past 24 months we've dated, he's continued to pay half the mortgage and bills, which seemed reasonable at first - fair enough. When my daughter is with her father, he stays at my place. My flat is entirely electric, I am a single mother, a paramedic student, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the cost of living crisis. I pay private rent, and my monthly outgoings for rent and energy are £850, which has risen to nearly £1200 when it has been really cold and my PAYG meter reached £450. I've never asked for anything since he would buy me things, meals, and when I used to get unhappy about his ex paying a stupid amount of £350 a month for her share of the rent and energy, he would say that he would help but couldn't really afford to due to paying for two homes. I urged him to ask for more because he is never there and technically pays half her laundry and her daily shower! He tried, she didn't think the deal was unreasonable, and she said he can show up whenever he wants, so it's definitely fair. I calculated that he had spent only around 14 nights there since we had dated as there has been no need. If he was not in his flat 60 miles away, he stayed with me on weekends. She's a band 6 on her way to a 7 in the NHS, and he claims she's got debt, but how is that his problem? He is far too kind and says she is a great friend and is always there for him... I wonder how genuine it is at times. I've had to meet her a few times and she's lovely but she's getting an amazing deal. Yeah, she's nice to him, but I adore him, and he doesn't always recognise red flags, which worries me. The worst thing is, they dated for about 6 months in 2018 and she ended things for various reasons, but they had a holiday abroad planned, went on this holiday, and apparently she was evidently flirting with this other man who wanted to date her, and someone "intentionally" put them in the same room together, and to this day my partner has no idea what happened, he never asked but they ended dating so I am presuming they slept together. I already had a few issues with friendships with ex's however I had to get over this because she is part of their friendship group. My bigger issue is why is his ex, with whom he doesn't have children, paying £350 a month for a house that would rent for around 750/800 easily, while I spend each month worried that I won't be able to find a house with a nice garden for my daughter to enjoy because I am only a student. I've expressed my feelings, but he has no plans to act on them. I'm not saying throw her out, but if he truly loves me, why wouldn't he do anything about it while his girlfriend struggles and the woman who essentially broke his heart has her best life while everyone else is battling with a cost of living crisis!! I simply don't know what to do or say. I'm also concerned that he is being taken advantage of by her and is unaware of it. Also, can I just add I did not find out about this until a few months in as I knew he had a couple of friends who are ex's and I did not really want to know at the time.

What would you do???? I cannot help but imagine my life if I had that house to myself with my beautiful daughter instead of her. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:09

NOT SURE WHY IT SAYS 15 MONTHS WE HAVE DATED IT'S 24!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 29/06/2023 23:12

He must still have a massive soft spot for her if he rents her a house that could be rented for £750-800 for £350. I don't think I could accept he is putting her needs before your needs. I'd end it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/06/2023 23:14

Glazed over after the first fifteen excuses why he's living off you.

Bin him. Get somebody who isn't so entangled and don't let them get away with 'I can't afford anything'.

TheSnowyOwl · 29/06/2023 23:14

Why are British Gas billing you if you have a PAYG meter and only one fuel?

Taking the emotions and jealousy out of it, this is his home that he shares with a lodger. He might not be there very often but it’s where he lives and his mail goes. Where would you expect him to live? Or do you just want him to make her leave so he has to pay 100% of the costs for a property he doesn’t live in (because you want to live there?)?

Original poster
Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:15

so, he is not a landlord so she's just a lodger technically but I 100% think she should be paying the entire mortgage and bills as it's clear he is never there and has a long term relationship now!!! Even if she paid the entire mortgage it's LESS than what rent would be.... grrrrrrr

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/06/2023 23:17

He is taking from you and more importantly, your daughter. You are a single parent who is subsidising his ex. YOU are subsidising her. He isn't kind is he? He's taking from you. So you either TELL him he needs to pay his way or you choose to carry on subsidising his ex and put up and shut up. I will say it again, he's happy to take from your child. The more you give, the more people take.

TheSnowyOwl · 29/06/2023 23:17

But why should she pay for everything when the owner is able to turn up anytime they like, with anyone they like, to do anything they like, and spend as much time as they like there? Nobody would accept that.

Scottishskifun · 29/06/2023 23:17

No idea why the holiday matters but you definitely sound jealous sorry! It sounds like you want to move into the house but your annoyed he hasn't suggested this?
It's his property to do with as he wishes and he probably finds it less stressful and less paperwork to have someone he trusts paying a portion. You will probably find the cost is low to keep him under the tax threshold too of having to do a self assessment.

Either have a serious discussion with where is the relationship heading or if it bothers you too much end the relationship

Lindawater · 29/06/2023 23:17

Sorry this is hard to follow. Just how much time is he at yours - if he only stays at yours when your child is with their dad and has been at this house with the ex just 14 nights in 24 months, where does he actually live?

Original poster
Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:19

Firstly, I was on PAYG with a different company and I switched to BG. They messed me about and produced a bill after a few months despite the fact I REALLY needed direct debit.

Also, he doesn't stay in that house ever. He has a separate flat he pays rent and bills for. He is paying "his half" and he is not there, he does not even need the house and it serves no purpose but he doesn't want to sell incase somehow he works back in that town. This isn't about me wanting to live with him, this is purely the principle of the situation and also how he would save so much more money if he did not even have that house. He's essentially mortgaged a house for his ex to live pretty much rent-free whilst he foots the bill. Oh, and his mail goes to his flat, not the house.

OP posts:
Lindawater · 29/06/2023 23:19

Oh ignore that OP, he has a flat - but still can’t be at yours too much? If you want a contribution to bills and food just ask again. If not forthcoming, get rid. Cocklodger.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/06/2023 23:19

Ah I thought he lived with you. If he doesn't live with you then you don't get a say, sorry! He has to maintain the home if he owns it.

Scottishskifun · 29/06/2023 23:20

caringcarer · 29/06/2023 23:12

He must still have a massive soft spot for her if he rents her a house that could be rented for £750-800 for £350. I don't think I could accept he is putting her needs before your needs. I'd end it.

Or he's keeping it under the tax threshold £750-800 a month would mean paying tax plus all the additional aspects required to be a landlord such as change in mortgage, gas certs etc none of which you need to do for a lodger

Kerfuffler · 29/06/2023 23:20

You can't do anything. She's his lodger or tenant or whatever, not yours.

I'd be running personally but hey.

PositiveLife · 29/06/2023 23:21

Jeez, it's far more simple than you're making it. It doesn't matter what he does with his house, who lives there or what they pay. The real problem is that it's costing you money for him to spend time at yours so you really need to tell him that he needs to contribute more at yours or he doesn't come over.

All the other waffle just makes you sound like you're jealous of the ex.

TheSnowyOwl · 29/06/2023 23:24

But British Gas do typically provide six monthly bills when you pay by Direct Debit.

I think you are massively underestimating the costs involved in formally renting a property and all the additional legal requirements that go with it, as well as the fact that things are starting to change and some people are finding mortgages higher than rent right now.

He has a second home and lodger, who he knows which provides additional security and reassurance, lives there. That’s not the issue though. The issue is that the lodger is his ex.

Just don’t make up any difference in something he can’t afford.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:24

At first I would have agreed with you, but imagine 2 years later and the owner has not stayed but it's cool because half your energy bills are being paid. Nice isn't it, being completely looked after, you don't have to sort that out, or even pay your TV licence. Oh and you are a band 7 who earns 41k so £350 is an amazing deal really isn't it? The fact is, he is never there and he won't just turn up. Her clothes are now in his wardrobe and her candles and fairy lights are scattered allover the place. He has a bed in the room.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 29/06/2023 23:25

Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:15

so, he is not a landlord so she's just a lodger technically but I 100% think she should be paying the entire mortgage and bills as it's clear he is never there and has a long term relationship now!!! Even if she paid the entire mortgage it's LESS than what rent would be.... grrrrrrr

That would be the case if he became a proper landlord yes but that isn't the set up here she's a lodger and he clearly hasn't set his property up to be rented out that way. It's his property so his choice in what he does tbh!

TheSnowyOwl · 29/06/2023 23:25

Now you just sound irrationally jealous and very bitter.

Scottishskifun · 29/06/2023 23:27

TheSnowyOwl · 29/06/2023 23:25

Now you just sound irrationally jealous and very bitter.

This with bells on!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/06/2023 23:30

Good for her if they are both happy with the arrangement. You choose to stay with him knowing all this so who's the fool?

Stomacharmeleon · 29/06/2023 23:32

If he won't change the situation not a lot you can do really. It's clearly eating you up so bin him...

Original poster
Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:33

Scottishskifun · 29/06/2023 23:17

No idea why the holiday matters but you definitely sound jealous sorry! It sounds like you want to move into the house but your annoyed he hasn't suggested this?
It's his property to do with as he wishes and he probably finds it less stressful and less paperwork to have someone he trusts paying a portion. You will probably find the cost is low to keep him under the tax threshold too of having to do a self assessment.

Either have a serious discussion with where is the relationship heading or if it bothers you too much end the relationship

Well, not sure how that'd work but he pays it in full and she sends a standing order each month of £350.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 29/06/2023 23:35

Scottishskifun · 29/06/2023 23:17

No idea why the holiday matters but you definitely sound jealous sorry! It sounds like you want to move into the house but your annoyed he hasn't suggested this?
It's his property to do with as he wishes and he probably finds it less stressful and less paperwork to have someone he trusts paying a portion. You will probably find the cost is low to keep him under the tax threshold too of having to do a self assessment.

Either have a serious discussion with where is the relationship heading or if it bothers you too much end the relationship

I guess I am pissed off that she gets a bloody easy life at his expense even though the way she treated him in the past was awful.

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 29/06/2023 23:36

I wouldn’t be too comfortable with this set up if it were me, especially not him staying there with his ex sometimes.
have you talked to him about this or is your communication in the relationship not good? It doesn’t sound like he’s that committed to you yet. Best to open up to him if you want him to move onto the next stage in your relationship and if you can’t be honest then it’s time to move on.

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