I think my relationship has made me unemployable

[Legwork]

I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. We’ve always rather isolated ourselves, not through my choice, but he’s ND and it was just difficult and in the end I gave up. So I’ve never really had any friends. I’m now 49, both kids are off to university and my caring responsibilities for elderly relatives have come to an end. I always assumed one day I would get a job working with young children in child care or elderly people as that all I’ve done recently and there is a shortage. I’ve started trying and it hadn’t crossed my mind that everyone wants personal references - I have no one I can ask that knows anything good to say about me.

I don’t know what to do. I was made redundant at the start of Covid and my mum died in May 2020. She was my Granny’s main carer and I wasn’t prepared to put her into a home during that time, so rather than looking for a new job, I took on that role. She passed away 9 months later. My Dad and brother had already died so I had to deal with both estates on my own. I inherited a reasonable sum from both and invested it all for retirement so it made no material difference to our daily lives. Suddenly the cost of living crisis, our fixed rate mortgage coming to an end and our very late realisation that our twins maintenance loan is means tested means I absolutely must find work. On paper I’m massively qualified, but I’m far too far away from my old industry to catch up and the only thing I’m really capable of is caring for the young and the old, without references though I can’t do anything. I’ve always regretted and slightly resented my rather lonely life, but I wasn’t desperately unhappy, but it’s now making me deeply fearful for the future. I don’t know where to turn. I’m not sure if relationships is where I should be posting, but I’m scared I’m going to end up very bitter and ruin the one relationship I do have if I can’t find my way out.

Can you find somewhere to volunteer? Charity shop/ animal rescue centre/community events? Then in a month or so see if someone would be happy to give a reference?

Care work usually employs women that are in similar circumstances to yourself. I.e they are returning to work after raising a family, so they don’t necessarily have regular work references.
They will normally accept them from friends, maybe a former colleague could help ?
Or you could do a bit of voluntary work to get a reference that way, if you really don’t have anyone to ask.

Volunteer. Charity shops, food banks, anything really, just to start forming a network of people. Once you've got your foot in the door it will also show as recent work on a cv. Also would be worth approaching the job centre, even if you don't need to claim benefits they do provide support to return to work. Good luck op

If you were a carer for your mum and gran was there involvement from a social worker ? Their GP or your own? Any professionals that you met with in the course of caring for your relatives?

I think it shouldn’t be impossible especially in elderly care. Anyone with any experience of having to care for the elderly will know that you may not have had the time or energy to form relationships when you are a carer. I would try approaching care homes etc directly rather than via and agency, ask to speak to the manager and discuss your experience and perhaps focus on privately owned companies rather than the big chains who may have more rigid policies. Once they have some personal contact you should be fine.

Maybe you have subconsciously posted in relationships because getting a job is actually not the primary problem? The big issue sounds like your loneliness, all your family is gone and you don't have anyone.

How urgently do you need a job? Could you spend 6 months focusing on getting out into the world a bit more, volunteering, getting involved in a community group or hobby? This could give you the references you need.

If not you are going to have to find the sort of work that tends not to require references, independent cafes/pubs will often take walk ins, factory/packing work would also be an option, that would also mean in a few months you could move into a care role.

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight @Anothercrappyusername this isn't true in the care sector any more. One of the things the CQC inspects is whether staff have suitable references so most savvy providers won't consider someone with as little as the OP has.

Im following this as I am in a similar (but different) position.
To the people suggesting voluntary work, there hasn’t been a single voluntary job I’ve tried to apply for that hasn’t required 2 personal references. I thought it would be an easy route to return to work, but it doesn’t seem to be.

Maybe start with small scale volunteering? I run some local charity events and would happily give a reference to someone who had helped at them.

Jeannieofthelamp this is what I have found. I’m royally screwed at the moment.

OP could you get a DBS check and then start offering babysitting services locally to start with?

I would speak to a few agencies who deal with care work and explain the situation and see what they suggest. When my references were out of date for my job (not in care) I was told I could work for free for a period and they would monitor me 😐.

What about someone you might know who belongs to a church who could do a character reference?

I live very close to a place that supports adults with learning difficulties and welcomes volunteers, but they too wanted references. I think I’ll need to start in a charity shop or similar.

Next door neighbours.
Employers from however long ago.
A friend you speak to intermittently.

All can provide character references. I've given two this last few weeks for neighbours with young kids who are being forced back into work by Universal Credit (even though neither qualify for 30hrs child care until September but that's another argument!).

I've also given them in the past for old uni mates I've not seen in person for years but speak to occasionally.

Think outside the usual box, and maybe someone will help? Parents of your kids friends you used to see once a week at a club? The worst someone can say is no!

Could your Granny's doctor provide you with a reference? I'm assuming she might have needed medical care in her last few months?

Yes a neighbour who is a professional might be able to do a character reference?

Keepitonthelow Unfortunately I’ve been hiding under a rock my whole life. I have acquaintances but no one that knows anything about me.

If you're really stuck for a reference, you could do a vocational evening class and ask the tutor to be your reference, explaining that you don't have anyone else you can ask. Best of luck

What did you do before you were made redundant? You aren’t that long out of the workforce. Can you not get references from that employer?

Sign up for an agency, I'm sure you could explain your circumstances and waltz into care work.

My Granny needed help with getting to the shops, cleaning, some cooking etc, but she never needed intimate care and died very peacefully one morning during a nap, so while I took her to appointments I couldn’t say I had any real interaction with her health care.

before this I was a data analyst, but I was already a bit of a dinosaur in the technology I used and I can’t find anyone at all using the tool I used now. It’s moved on and I don’t know how I could explain the huge gap if I wanted to go back into tech - I think I’d be laughed at after a 3 year break. I have plenty of professional references for being able to manipulate massive data sets but I was always a loner and I think people would rather wonder why I was asking for a character reference when I certainly never made anything more than acquaintances.

Have you kept in touch with any of your former colleagues that could offer up a personal reference or a friend with a job (office worker, manager etc) and perhaps use your old job as your last employer for professional last employer reference ? You are probably going to have to be a bit cheeky and ask a neighbour, or anyone you have a passing relationship too, if you don’t have anyone close.
Care agencies just want to know you’re trustworthy and reliable and they are that desperate for staff that they will try and help you. Half their workforce will be made up of people returning to work with gaps in employment.
I would speak to them and explain.

It doesn’t really matter. They’re not looking for a psychological analysis of you. They just want to see you are reliable and trustworthy.