I think my relationship has made me unemployable

[Legwork]

I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. We’ve always rather isolated ourselves, not through my choice, but he’s ND and it was just difficult and in the end I gave up. So I’ve never really had any friends. I’m now 49, both kids are off to university and my caring responsibilities for elderly relatives have come to an end. I always assumed one day I would get a job working with young children in child care or elderly people as that all I’ve done recently and there is a shortage. I’ve started trying and it hadn’t crossed my mind that everyone wants personal references - I have no one I can ask that knows anything good to say about me.

I don’t know what to do. I was made redundant at the start of Covid and my mum died in May 2020. She was my Granny’s main carer and I wasn’t prepared to put her into a home during that time, so rather than looking for a new job, I took on that role. She passed away 9 months later. My Dad and brother had already died so I had to deal with both estates on my own. I inherited a reasonable sum from both and invested it all for retirement so it made no material difference to our daily lives. Suddenly the cost of living crisis, our fixed rate mortgage coming to an end and our very late realisation that our twins maintenance loan is means tested means I absolutely must find work. On paper I’m massively qualified, but I’m far too far away from my old industry to catch up and the only thing I’m really capable of is caring for the young and the old, without references though I can’t do anything. I’ve always regretted and slightly resented my rather lonely life, but I wasn’t desperately unhappy, but it’s now making me deeply fearful for the future. I don’t know where to turn. I’m not sure if relationships is where I should be posting, but I’m scared I’m going to end up very bitter and ruin the one relationship I do have if I can’t find my way out.

There is a shortage of 1:1 assistants for children with special needs in schools, perhaps you could volunteer in your local school and start to build up your eligibility that way.

If you're really desperate you could look at companies that have a data area and other ways in. For example, an insurance company will have call centres that are recruiting and they may be able to use the apprentice levy to get you a data apprenticeship if you're in England.

Could you tell prospective employers exactly what you've told us? It's an extenuating circumstance

OP it might be worth looking at Udemy or Coursers online providers for some courses to get your relevant coding knowledge back up to speed. I'm sure you're more than capable, you must have a good grounding in it so nothing that you can't learn and they are both respected sites for personal development work. Would also help you to feel productive again with a focus. Good luck.

Tbh, I think you're being incredibly defeatist about this before you've really begun! Have a look at imposter syndrome and see if you recognise lots of it....

Be pragmatic. You've clearly got significant experience. You've only been out the trade for 3 years. You're capable of learning new ways of working.

Who cares if someone wonders why you've asked them to be a character reference? Ask them anyway! What's the alternative? Contact old bosses, old colleagues, anyone at all.

Look at free or cheap courses to upskill yourself

https://www.ncsc.gov.uk/information/certified-training

https://instituteofcoding.org/learners/

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/free-courses-for-jobs

When in doubt, apply for the job! Apply for the training course! Ask for the assistance with personal references.

What would you be saying to a woman in the same position? That's she's somehow suddenly washed up, unemployable, not able to make anything of herself? Of course not! You'd advise her to step up, look for better options, prepare herself with training or support etc...

Maybe speak to the job centre about support with things like CV writing, interview preparation etc?

There are some volunteering opportunities that don’t require personal references.

For example, a junior park run has recently started near me. They always need adult volunteers to act as marshalls, to scan barcodes etc. They are a friendly bunch, and I am sure that if you did this on a weekly basis for a couple of months, a couple of the Run Directors would be happy to give you a personal reference (which could also include the fact that you are reliable). You do not need references or DBS checks.

This is the link to junior parkrun nationally, and I am sure you can find our local one through that - https://www.parkrun.org.uk/pagepark-juniors/volunteer/

The other thing would be to see if your local food bank needs help.

Best of luck with it all

I don’t see a problem with any of this. For most of my past colleagues I would be able to say a few things for each of those. As a pp mentioned, they probably just want to hear that you are reliable, not a trouble-maker and can get along with people.

Sometimes the more “professional” references nowadays don’t necessarily cover any of this as they are more like confirmation of dates, job title and responsibilities.

Looks like you have had some great advice here.

When I'd had a gap and the next employer wanted a full job history I was very glad I'd been doing some online training and that I'd been in touch with the provider a lot, they were happy to say what I had been doing for the last 6 months. What I saying is if you do find some training to update your skills it will get you a reference too.

Also, go and find some friends (if you want to), you have spent so much time looking after other people you probably feel rusty but there are so many people in the same position.

OP, I’m really sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is disheartening how (mainly) women can spend so many years giving to others without that being appreciated or ‘counted’ by society at large when they come out the other side. But please don’t panic!!
It sounds as though you are in a good financial position long term. You also have a wealth of skills you can draw on and you may be able to piece some of your old work back together over a bit of time. (Afraid that’s not my area, but I can see others have had useful advice on the front).

On the more immediate front (and apologies if someone else has already suggested this, confess I haven’t read the whole thread) but would did your children have any teachers at school who you had much contact with? They may be willing to provide a personal reference.

Any parents of your kids friends who you liked, and had a chat with on a doorstep or a cup of tea with? Ask one of them if they’d be a persona reference (bonus points in any of them have professional jobs!)

Are you friendly (to say hello to) with any of your next door neighbours? Might be worth asking them… you can fathom a surprising amount about someone, even with minimal contact, when you’ve known them over a long period of time.

Some of what you say in your post suggests to me that you might feel unable to make this kind of request out of a sense of shame or the feeling that you shouldn’t put others out/shouldn’t impose. If that’s the case please try and put those feelings to one side - we all need some help from time to time and this isn’t a ridiculous request. Gather your confidence! See if their old school also might need any temporary staff? Does their old primary need reading volunteers? See what’s possible.

There is also an app called Bubble which is a babysitting app and I think if you signed up there and did a few sits you’d a) meet some people you may be able to help out and might even like! And b) start to build some money coming in/flexible work options. Price yourself competitively to start with and explain about raising your children - people do like the reassurance of having a sitter with maturity and experience, and it may suit you to have something flexible in the background while you explore other options.

When I really needed some work I found a thread on MN where someone had suggested a company called Maid2clean which is also worth checking out.

how about riding for the disabled(RDA), you don’t need to know anything about horses depending on the place you go to you could side help or help the children/adults without touching a horse until you’re trained. ( I was a coach we had lots of non horse people helping )

or sailing for the disabled (sail ability) and help ashore if you know nothing about boats.

A lot of special schools do both and independents and they maybe a way of chatting to teachers and helpers for job opportunities as well as helping and learning a new skill .

there maybe a hobby you or your children do with a special section somewhere that you have an interest in.

That’s an excellent idea. I always wrote references for students.

OP, I really think you would be better off going back into IT, it’s a LOT better paid than caring work, and your skills are very transferable. I would recommend getting on the Microsoft website and doing a load of their free courses on tools like Power BI - it’s very in demand right now, and with your background would be easy to learn. I don’t see the gap as an issue, and you should be able to get a reference from your previous employers.

Can you do a short course at a local college? Improve your employability and have someone (the tutor) who you can ask for a reference. Good luck!

If you’ve got a masters in computing and understand set theory you can pick up powerbi. There’s a load for free courses online so you could try them first. Fully recommend a return to tech programme, especially one with jobs at the end of it - you’ll do really well on one of those with your prior experience and you’ll earn a lot more than starting out in caring. Good luck

Get onto LinkedIn and track down people you used to work with. It's 3 years, not decades
I did one recently for a former colleague. Literally most of them are did you know this person? How did you know them? Is there any reason we shouldn't employ?
They are just looking for proof that you are who you say.
I would also say that at your age unless you live in the middle of nowhere you might find jobs practically anywhere! Esp now remote working is in place.

Hi OP. I've started a job two weeks ago after being unemployed and a full time mum for nearly 11 years. I work at a further education college for young adults with learning difficulties and i love it. I ended up using an old school friend from 20 years ago but we still talk here and there and also used my brother's sister in law so we didnt have the same last name but she knows me enough to know my character and how hard i work. These were both accepted and they had to fill out a character reference form that was sent by email just stating how they knew me and then to describe me as a person. It doesnt have to be a very long thing that they write. My job was more focused on the DBS and background checks as im working with 16-19 year olds. Please dont fret and worry, i didnt think i would get anywhere due to all my previous employers shutting up business or my old managers no longer being there but it all worked out and i am positive it will for you aswell. Good luck OP

Op, don’t dismiss acquaintances like people in the shop. I recently gave a reference to someone to volunteer. I don’t know them personally but as part of my work. I don’t know them well, but that they wanted to volunteer and they seem ok, polite…
volunteers and paid staff get training.

if you ask, you might get surprised..

good luck, the first step is often the hardest. 💐

Well, this is all sounds a bit sad and lonely. I hope you can turn things around, OP.

What about the NHS? Theres such a huge variety of roles (or voluteering roles to start off with?).

Maybe I’m getting hung up on the wrong thing. I feel like a personal (rather than professional) reference is supposed to comment on my suitability for the work not just say I worked somewhere. Nobody knows me. I don’t know anyone that can testify that I’m calm and honest and patient. I just know people that know I could build a dashboard or a KPI report and keep my head down. My confidence is rock bottom that I can do anything at all useful right now.

Anyway, lots to think about. Thanks for all your kindness.

A lady at my church was facing a similar situation recently and she got a reference from the local family centre who were running return to work training/cv support. Or you could try volunteering for a while and get a reference from there?

OP, I think not only has your relationship with your husband made you more introverted and unsociable but you are also suffering from low self-esteem thinking that people from your past won't help you. You will be surprised at all the old colleagues my husband randomly finds on LinkedIn who are willing to connect and talk about anything. Just a few of them are needed to give you a reference. A personal reference has nothing to do with what job you did but knowing you as a person. Try the government bootcamps if you want to re-train as a Data Analyst. Also, a poster on another thread said that she walked into a high street agency and they had many roles available that she would not have qualified for if she had applied for similar ones online. If you can't do this go on LinkedIn and talk to recruiters. Among the hundreds there could be someone willing to help you turn to another direction.

You say in the OP that you’ve isolated yourself as a couple, not through your choice… are you happy generally? Are you happy in your relationship? Is it time to start spending some time building new relationships and friendships so you aren’t so isolated? I don’t think this is just a post asking for career advice.

Personally as I have recruited carers I don't put much credence in references at all , after all who's going to provide one that says awful things about you, how do I know how honest person providing refence is could be your sister, or your friend, its not like an office based role where i know where someone worked and can check this. Having done hr roles I know the most glowing refences are often written about the least deserving employees they just want rid of, recently I recruited a carer for holiday cover I didn't even ask to see or read any references. I talked to her and was happy, though she she offered to provide them, what is important to me is the police vetting, and professional qualifications , but I understand I may not be the norm, I think you can get refence from former employer about your punctuality reliability and professionalism in dealing with other staff, they may think its odd but what des that matter if you ask can they make it as personal as possible.

I think you maybe need work through an agency specializing in this area of providing carers, this will give you a chance to sit face to face with someone and explain the situation, but generally when sourcing agency workers references are not provided as far as I'm aware

Is going back to education an option? Would you qualify for a student loan? Just about every mature student I know has done well on their course, made connections and friends and you can then use your tutors as references. Maybe do something that interests you but also provides a good foundation for your new career? For example, go into social work which converts from SF to a bursary in the second year meaning you won’t need to borrow much? Just a thought.