I think my relationship has made me unemployable

[Legwork]

I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. We’ve always rather isolated ourselves, not through my choice, but he’s ND and it was just difficult and in the end I gave up. So I’ve never really had any friends. I’m now 49, both kids are off to university and my caring responsibilities for elderly relatives have come to an end. I always assumed one day I would get a job working with young children in child care or elderly people as that all I’ve done recently and there is a shortage. I’ve started trying and it hadn’t crossed my mind that everyone wants personal references - I have no one I can ask that knows anything good to say about me.

I don’t know what to do. I was made redundant at the start of Covid and my mum died in May 2020. She was my Granny’s main carer and I wasn’t prepared to put her into a home during that time, so rather than looking for a new job, I took on that role. She passed away 9 months later. My Dad and brother had already died so I had to deal with both estates on my own. I inherited a reasonable sum from both and invested it all for retirement so it made no material difference to our daily lives. Suddenly the cost of living crisis, our fixed rate mortgage coming to an end and our very late realisation that our twins maintenance loan is means tested means I absolutely must find work. On paper I’m massively qualified, but I’m far too far away from my old industry to catch up and the only thing I’m really capable of is caring for the young and the old, without references though I can’t do anything. I’ve always regretted and slightly resented my rather lonely life, but I wasn’t desperately unhappy, but it’s now making me deeply fearful for the future. I don’t know where to turn. I’m not sure if relationships is where I should be posting, but I’m scared I’m going to end up very bitter and ruin the one relationship I do have if I can’t find my way out.

You said you do have acquaintances so ask them, they've only got to confirm you're not a serial killer, not give a detailed blow by blow character reference.

I had to do a personal reference recently and I didn't know the person well but well enough to say she's okay.

Irritatedmum Thank you. I posted in relationships because I don’t have any. It’s not his fault but I’m certain this wouldn’t have happened to me if I’d been with someone else. I’ve allowed it to happen - he’s genuinely lovely, but I’m enough for him and I’ve allowed that to mean I’ve failed to live a normal life. That plus working in IT, almost exclusively with younger men with which I have nothing in common has meant that I just let it happen. It’s not about careers advice fundamentally, no. I’ve managed to finally see the consequences of my actions, my entire family other than my twins are dead and I’m all alone, other than my husband. Not being able to find work has driven home what a mess I’ve made. I’m now a fully boiling frog and it’s too late.

Your acquaintances might be happy to do a personal reference though?

if it's just to confirm that you have been a carer for many years, then it's worth asking.

what about any medical or social care staff you've dealt with on behalf of others?

Do you use social media? Do you have a Facebook friend you could ask? Most people are happy to be a character referee.

The LinkedIn suggestion is good I have lots of random colleagues from past on mine.
I wouldn’t get too hung up on refs your old employer can do work one.
Personal refs are usually just to confirm you are who you say you are are. I’d be happy to do one for several of dc’s friends mums I vaguely know along lines of I’ve known her for over 10 years, have volunteered on occasion at school/brownies etc with her and found her to be friendly and reliable.

Yes. I started volunteering at a CRUK shop last year and needed 2 personal references.

Hi, OP - I see other posters have mentioned tech companies that have returners programmes. I had a scroll through the thread and couldn't see that anyone else had posted the Women In Tech information about this, so here it is: https://www.womenintech.co.uk/returning-to-tech

They have information about Returnships and Supported Hire programmes, either of which could be useful for you.

Hi OP, as someone else already mentioned there are lots of women in tech initiatives, I recommend you take a free Code First Girls courses to brush up your SQL/python skills - lots of demand out there for those skills and with your background you could be v employable with some upskilling. Also second the suggestion of Udemy and Microsoft courses. Maybe have a look at any techy jobs available in your area and focus your efforts on the skills/languages they are looking for?

https://codefirstgirls.com/courses/classes/coding-kickstarter/ (don't be put off by the name, it's for women of all ages!)

Also search for tech 'returnships' which are for people in your position.

OP I recently returned to work after a 10 year break and struggled with professional refs - I had personal and the company that eventually employed me accepted those. (I am doing a professional IT sector job despite the gap - I thought I’d need to go for bar work or similar, where I also have experience but less has changed, but I put the ‘looking for work’ flag up on my linked in and got contacts and their contacts offering me links to applications at their places of work. One of those came good, and next time I’ll have a professional ref)

You don't need them to say you're good with kids. Just that you have those qualities that would make you capable of being so like kind, dependable, reliable that you've raised your own kids.

You do not need them to do the job interview for you. It doesn't need to be amazing!

I'm starting to think the reference isn't the barrier here but how you feel about your capability and situation.

Do you believe yourself to be capable of the job and application? If not what would it take.

However, it sounds like some volunteering at an old people's home or such like might boost your confidence as well.

Ah I see what you mean, it's not just about the job it's about realising how much you've cut yourself off from humanity in general.

I know you've said about your husband but (for example) he wasn't at work with you, or dealing with everyone you deal with day to day, so do you think either a) there's been an element of you choosing an isolated life too or b) you have felt "deskilled" socially and not wanted to exercise that side of yourself for fear of failure? Do you want human contact (not for this reference but for yourself)?

You've spent your entire life caring for others' physical, emotional & social needs since you were 16 - a child.

And gradually your social circle and comfort zone narrowed to accommodate others without realising it … til now.

Are you around peri menopause years? I call this the Wise Woman stage where we start to REALISE things.

You're in a bit of a shocked wake-up state at the moment - it's uncomfortable but it won't last.

The whole references thing is probably looming large at the moment - Taking stock helps you take control.

I used to deliver Employability training & coaching to long term unemployed people - and references were often a big personal anxiety for my customers, so here are my thoughts.

I have a 'patchy' employment history myself, so I have a character reference - it's someone we've known a long while. It's a start.

I'm partly self employed which then also creates clients and temporary employers who know me, references - and an income. This takes time, so take the first steps.

First - Get a piece of paper and write down everyone you know. EVERYONE. No editing or self censoring. Approach them all and explain your situation and need.

Next - In any room you are likely to be the expert on something. Another big piece of paper with everything you know, do, can do, have done that others would benefit from. (Step away from 'nothing'.)

Can you use zoom?
Can you make a website / Facebook Page / Instagram etc?
Can you help people solve problems with computers?
Can you advise on caring for others? Solve problems and deal well with typical scenarios?

Things you could do to start earning:

1-1 coaching and support via Zoom on:
How to care for an elder relative
IT/tech matters

This is a huge possibility for you but may involve upskilling and retraining, so make some inquiries re what's available - start with anything free from local authorities.

All best.

Honestly it's never too late. My grandmother moved to a new continent on her own when my grandfather ran off with his secretary - she was more than a decade older than you are now, got a job, learned the language and made friends. 1000% not too late at all.

Also post-covid there are a lot more jobs that are WFH, especially tech and data management related jobs - or are 1 day a week or 1 day a month in a central office and WFH the remainder of the time post-onboarding. So you may find your location is actually less of an issue now than it might have been 3 years ago!

I had a 6 year break and got back and unskilled fine, you just need the right break. Contact your local employability team, they have placement schemes for people in your position and they'll find you places to go to gain references.

Have you asked your twins if they’ve got any friends that could offer a personal reference for you?

Try your local council. Not only will they be running returners to work support, but they also are the most likely to still be using older systems. I work for a council which uses at least one major system which requires SQL report building (using a wizard/report builder as well as writing SQL code directly) and was using MS Access to manage its homelessness data until at least 2018 (I don't work alongside them any more but for all I know they're still using it). We have not managed to get our data analysts access to Power BI yet despite much trying, either.

3 years out of work is nothing! We are crying out for data analysts and you have a master's in computer science. This is a confidence issue not a skills issue. Oh, and what you've written about your ex-colleagues only knowing that you get your head down and build reports and dashboards is exactly what most employers want!

Looked on my council website, there is NOTHING like this offered where I live. Its so soul destroying. I am in the same position, just sat staring at the walls all day bored out of my mind! I have professional qualifications but cannot go back to the NHS as they are really strict about reference rules and having to account for the past few years.

I took a course at college and my tutors gave me references

3 years isn't really very long at all. Taking a career break for caring responsibiltiies, especially given the past few years, is not unusual. With your skills and as a starting point, perhaps universities/councils/large orgs in a data/impact and evaluation-type role? Failing that, something admin-y just to get started. Where I've worked it's always been professional refs required, not personal ones, and you have those.

I'm on the core team of my local parkrun and we have teenagers who come along and volunteer with us as part of their DofE - then it's pretty common to get reference requests when the teenagers go on to try to get part time student jobs! We're happy to supply them. It just confirms that yes we know this person by this name, they've been a reliable volunteer for several weeks, no known issues to flag that would be of concern.

What was your old profession OP?

Don't do that woman thing of thinking you have been out of the game so now your not valuable. Experience doesn't work like that.

Lots of organisations are alert to bringing women who have had extended leave back in. Look for an organisation with purpose -
It has never been easier to return to work.

You are unconfident but that doesn'r mean your previous qualification or experience is now worthless. Get some counselling / mentoring.

By way of example I was out of work for over 8 years. I took a job that was probably one step down from where i had been previously. Within a year i was promoted past my previous experience.

Just read your update about being a data analyst. Honestly just go for it. What do you really have to lose? If you have only been out 3 years - seriously that is nothing.

Lots and lots of courses are online only these days, so don't restrict yourself to your local college options.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/free-courses-for-jobs as a starter maybe?

Contact an agency

Thanks everyone. I’m just really trying to come to terms with the fact I’ve messed up in so many ways and it’s now got to the point where I realise I took several wrong turns by just putting up with things that weren’t optimal but didn’t hurt. I’ve just drifted. No career, no friends, no family other than my own kids. It all looks pretty bleak when you come to realise that these things are not just a bit sad and embarrassing, but now dangerous - I can’t support myself anymore, which has come as a shock. My husband is lovely and caused none of this, but I know deep down I wouldn’t have done this to myself if I’d been with someone who didn’t enable me to be the most mediocre version of who I might have been. I didn’t make a fuss when our lives got so small, but he liked it and I went along with it because it was easy and frankly comfortable. I’ve never been uncomfortable - I had a job and my kids and a husband whom I like and makes me laugh, and I was ok, basically. The job and the kids are gone and now I’m realising I’ve painted myself into a useless corner by never stepping out of my comfort zone to the point the zone is now so small I have nowhere to step. I never looked beyond the next day.