I think my relationship has made me unemployable

[Legwork]

I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. We’ve always rather isolated ourselves, not through my choice, but he’s ND and it was just difficult and in the end I gave up. So I’ve never really had any friends. I’m now 49, both kids are off to university and my caring responsibilities for elderly relatives have come to an end. I always assumed one day I would get a job working with young children in child care or elderly people as that all I’ve done recently and there is a shortage. I’ve started trying and it hadn’t crossed my mind that everyone wants personal references - I have no one I can ask that knows anything good to say about me.

I don’t know what to do. I was made redundant at the start of Covid and my mum died in May 2020. She was my Granny’s main carer and I wasn’t prepared to put her into a home during that time, so rather than looking for a new job, I took on that role. She passed away 9 months later. My Dad and brother had already died so I had to deal with both estates on my own. I inherited a reasonable sum from both and invested it all for retirement so it made no material difference to our daily lives. Suddenly the cost of living crisis, our fixed rate mortgage coming to an end and our very late realisation that our twins maintenance loan is means tested means I absolutely must find work. On paper I’m massively qualified, but I’m far too far away from my old industry to catch up and the only thing I’m really capable of is caring for the young and the old, without references though I can’t do anything. I’ve always regretted and slightly resented my rather lonely life, but I wasn’t desperately unhappy, but it’s now making me deeply fearful for the future. I don’t know where to turn. I’m not sure if relationships is where I should be posting, but I’m scared I’m going to end up very bitter and ruin the one relationship I do have if I can’t find my way out.

I think you sound a bit depressed, OP. You think you've got nowhere to step, but this thread is full of suggestions, not all of which can be unsuitable for you.

That feeling that you're stuck, you can't change things, nothing will come to any good - that's depression. Maybe have a look at this and if you think you might be feeling low, speak to the GP (I have, they helped): https://assets.nhs.uk/tools/self-assessments/index.mob.html?variant=42

Don’t beat yourself up OP! Where you are is not a terrible place to be. You are not a failure, you have several things many people would be envious of. You didn’t do anything differently because you didn’t need to.

But you sound like you want a bit more now. Fair enough. Take little steps. Look up adult classes or clubs near you. Do you exercise, that makes a huge difference to how you feel about yourself IME? Could you volunteer through one of your children’s schools (reading scheme maybe) as they “know” you? Look up returnships and get yourself on LinkedIn. Not everything has to transform at once (nor would you wish it to) a few little changes in your life will make a big difference.

Do you want to get out there and make a social life now as well as get back into the workplace?

@Legwork

I really don't want to sound harsh here but "GIVE YOURSELF A BLOODY BREAK!!!!".

I think you are overly focused on so many things you think are wrong, sad, embarrassing, failure - they aren't, honestly, they really are not & this can be changed easily in very short space of time.

You did what you did for the right reasons at the time and in fairness,very admirable reasons. To raise your family and care for others. There is huge value in this.

The LinkedIn suggestion is a brilliant one, start connecting with people you knew in the past. You never know what opportunities may come from it.

Write a list of the people you know, they don't have to be friends etc. Could you approach any of them? You have twins, do you know their headteacher or any of their teachers well? Tell them you are trying to return to work and are really struggling with references given a long gap due to caring for family. If they say thry wouldn't know what to write, offer they some examples etc.

Would you talk to some recruiters? Contact them on LinkedIn ask for suggestions.

Are trying are return to work programmes or groups you could join? (I'm not in the UK so don't know them).

Have a very good paragraph to email them.

"HI, I'm X and am considering returning to the workforce after a considerable gap, raising children and caring for ill relatives. I have a Masters on X, several years data analytics experience in Y. I'm very conscious that my experience is dated but would welcome your thoughts on how best to progress, even at any entry level position that I could work up from".

Where I work, retuning to the workforce recruitment is big for all of the following reasons- usually highly motivated, typically very reliable, hangovers and lateness are not ususlly an issue, maturity is very welcome, you are unlike to leave in 12 months time to travel the world, go find yourself or for a minor increase elsewhere.

Oh OP I just want to give you a big hug.

I’m not going to repeat all the excellent advice you’ve had already about getting back into the workplace. Though I agree 100% with everyone who says honestly a 3 year career break is not that long. You have a masters in computer science. Data analysts are in increasing demand. There are training programmes out there. There are so many more remote working opportunities available your location isn’t the barrier it used to be. You’re clearly bright and competent. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

But more than that… yes you’ve got yourself in a bit of a hole. But you’ve already taken the first step which is to recognise you are in the hole. I know it seems awful right now but you can get yourself out of this. 49 isn’t that old. Really. Lots of people reinvent themselves and turns their stars around at a later age than that.

As you say you posted on relationships because really it’s the isolation and lack of social circle that’s getting you down, not just the career stuff. In another post you mentioned that you crochet. Is there a knit and natter group or similar near you? It might be a small way to start getting out and meeting people, doing something you already enjoy (ps: it’s also cool
now too - I crochet and knit and work in tech and have several of those young male colleagues who’ve taken it up too)

I know where you are coming from OP - we so need a bit of encouragement to come out of our comfort zones. In fact it was my mother in her 70's regret at not making more of my life that gave me second wind in my 40's to do more with my career. I work in healthcare so was never going to be out of a job but I have developed other areas of expertise to create a three separate careers for myself - all within the last 3 years when my eldest was preparing for his AL

Posted too soon. Yes it was easy to blame my DH for allowing me to get stagnant - however I was happy there until I started having more free time as the kids for older and then I realised I was "wasting" time

I'm so sorry you feel this way but it's good you're being honest. You can get to the heart of the problem. First of all you have nothing to be embarrassed or feel guilty for. Raising children is a wonderful and worthwhile thing to do. You made the best decision with the info you had at the time.

But it's understandable to realise and regret. It's OK.

Regrets teach us what we want to do now. For example I regretted not having children younger until I got pregnant at 37. You'll regret not having a career sooner, until you find one. If that makes sense.

I suggest you find a good free coach course. Try Jess Cunningham on fb or buy a book from amazon, something positive to help you move forward. Then you just need to try something, anything to start with but you have to believe and act like it'd possible.

Set out on a piece of paper what you want and follow advice above on references and just try. Just trying things builds confidence.

It sounds like you want a job caring for others and more friends. So set out your first step and try.

Hi OP, I don't have anything to add but I just wanted to say thanks for posting. I'm in a similar position and this is a really helpful thread.

Ah - a jumpy worried fist bump to you 🙂. I’m sure we’ll find a way - we must. (If this works, this is the first time I’ve spent time to figure out how to quote tweet, so a tiny win for me but more importantly a big hello to you)

You've received some amazing advice and suggestions which I can't really add to. I just wanted to say that you sound lovely and have so many useful skills. I do appreciate that your confidence is low but I genuinely think that you sound great.

Everyone’s been so kind. I’m so grateful.

I had this after going back to work after being out for ages. I used a character reference.. my care worker 😂 do you have any nurses or doctors that helped you whilst you were caring? They might do you a favour like my care worker and nurse did.

Another one who could have written your post op (minus your qualifications). I do have good qualifications but no particular skillset. Are you doubtful you will meet people on a similar wavelength if you return to your old career of do you fancy doing something different.

I have had children spread far apart. So I will be early 60's before youngest is off to uni (if she goes).

There does seem a financial driver for you to find paid employment. I don't have that which means it would be easy for me to cruise along. I stepped back to enable dh's career/spend time with the children which is what I wanted to do. Nearly always a child at home to care for (3 dc) over the past 9 years...now nothing as youngest has started school. I am a total loss as I have spent my time caring and focusing on dc during the day. Had admin jobs before that (can't return to previous job due to hours). Also the thought of entering admin and having to take minutes etc. fills me with dread. A lot of jobs are also based at home (or largely) so I wouldn't necessarily get the social interaction.

I have developed some hobbies and interests over the past year but I am isolated during the day and the hobbies I enjoy are mainly insular (though there are opportunties to meet others but not on a regular basis. I do have a couple of friends but they seem wrapped up in their own lives and I don't see them often. Suspect I pretty much have depression (and diagnosed anxiety, let alone low self esteem). Perimenopause on top. Likely to have to do volunteer work just to get out of the house. Feeling bleak.

This is really useful to note as well OP. I don’t think it sounds as though your relationship per se is the issue, but just a lot of small choices which have led you to be where you are and a completely natural empty nest sensation (must be double when you have twins who take flight simultaneously. But it’s not all over, and you are obviously very bright and capable! I would have thought you’d been out of work much, much longer than three years from your tone. Especially in the past three years lots of people have been thrown off course with the pandemic and made life changes/choices that mean things haven’t been as linear as maybe they were in previous years.

if you’re really worried about finances maybe speak to a financial advisor and sanity check what you’ve done with your inheritance and whether there’s a way to make it work smarter for you in the short term as well as later in life (pm me if you want a recommendation). Initial advice is often free and maybe you could buy yourself a bit of breathing space.

So much wonderful advice on this thread. Maybe just try and write down your favorites and give them a go (one a week, one a day - whatever works for you).

Don’t panic - you will find that you have, in fact, got this. And do see the GP - they may have a social prescribing service which can be really useful and supportive and anytime you do something and find a bit of support or help is offered, say yes please!

good luck x

Haven’t read everything so this may have already been suggested, but if you’ve got uni-age twins, is there anyone in their social circle you could ask? Kids who you maybe drove to sports/festivals with yours, hosted for sleepovers or pizza nights, whatever? Or their parents who were in similar circles?

I've just had a quick search on Jobserve for "Data Analyst" - there are hundreds of roles on there. The first few I looked at only needed Excel type experience. Also lots of contracts on there, some of them WFH. In 20 years of contracting I have never been asked for a personal reference - get aplpying! Good luck