I think my relationship has made me unemployable

[Legwork]

I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. We’ve always rather isolated ourselves, not through my choice, but he’s ND and it was just difficult and in the end I gave up. So I’ve never really had any friends. I’m now 49, both kids are off to university and my caring responsibilities for elderly relatives have come to an end. I always assumed one day I would get a job working with young children in child care or elderly people as that all I’ve done recently and there is a shortage. I’ve started trying and it hadn’t crossed my mind that everyone wants personal references - I have no one I can ask that knows anything good to say about me.

I don’t know what to do. I was made redundant at the start of Covid and my mum died in May 2020. She was my Granny’s main carer and I wasn’t prepared to put her into a home during that time, so rather than looking for a new job, I took on that role. She passed away 9 months later. My Dad and brother had already died so I had to deal with both estates on my own. I inherited a reasonable sum from both and invested it all for retirement so it made no material difference to our daily lives. Suddenly the cost of living crisis, our fixed rate mortgage coming to an end and our very late realisation that our twins maintenance loan is means tested means I absolutely must find work. On paper I’m massively qualified, but I’m far too far away from my old industry to catch up and the only thing I’m really capable of is caring for the young and the old, without references though I can’t do anything. I’ve always regretted and slightly resented my rather lonely life, but I wasn’t desperately unhappy, but it’s now making me deeply fearful for the future. I don’t know where to turn. I’m not sure if relationships is where I should be posting, but I’m scared I’m going to end up very bitter and ruin the one relationship I do have if I can’t find my way out.

Charity shops also require references, as others have said, look for any free courses even if it's just craft or coffee mornings, then see if you can get the organizers to give you a reference after a few months.

Charity shops want personal references for their volunteers.

Oh dear. What a terrible mess.

Being made redundant during Covid isn't unusual. That employer should still be prepared to give you a reference and that should count as your reference from your most recent employer.

A career break to care for a relative is also not unusual, even if you didn't provide intimate or health care you still did a wonderful and difficult thing motivated by love. If you describe that as a career break during which you had caring responsibilities, many employers now consider 'returning carers' as a demographic that is underrepresented in the workforce and will be considered favourably. Could your GP or your grandma's GP/hospital consultant/social worker/bank manager/vicar write a reference - factually if necessary - to say that you were her carer?

If you could take on some volunteer opportunity even one day a week, that would provide you with an up to date reference quite quickly. I wonder if there is any scope for volunteering at the school your kids recently left? Or at a hobby or after school club they attended? They will know you a little through your kids and that might help you get stuck in?

Or maybe you have actually done things like helping with fundraising through the PTA or giving lifts to help with school trips or sports matches, or decorating the hall ready for the leavers' prom - that the school would consider volunteering and be willing to write a factual reference saying you helped out?

Do your kids have close friends you've interacted with during their years at school whose parents might be willing to write a character reference for you?

Did the place that supports adults with learning disabilities say what kind of reference they would accept? They might be able to give you guidance if this is an area you'd like to work in.

Could you do some self-employed work related somehow to your old industry? Tutoring, proofreading, drafting documents, advising in some way. Even if you just did a few hours a week someone you helped would likely be willing to give a reference.

Or could you enrol for an evening class or similar as pp suggested and have the tutor write you a reference?

I don't think your case is hopeless. I hope some of this is useful and you find something you'd like to do, that works for you, soon.

I work in a related area. Data analysts are in demand, can get flexible, home-based, well paid work and the core principles haven't changed even if the software has. It's definitely something you could get back into and I am sure there are lots of women returner programmes in IT and digital. There have been no radical changes - if anything things like AI make it easier.

This isn't you OP, I am certainly quite appalled at the idea that work in intimate care for the elderly and under-5s is something that anyone should be able to 'waltz into'. References, DBS, experience are absolutely essential. And I also think that carers should have good interpersonal skills and you yourself have explained that this is not your strength.

As the previous poster said, there are targeted scheme for women wishing to return to work or retrain into the data industry. With your background, it seems like you’d be an ideal fit and a better candidate than someone with no experience. Have you looked at these?

OP, this is very sad. I also think you've posted in relationships because you know that living your life like this is not okay or normal and that your DP has isolated you to a ridiculous level.

I understand your point re not having people who know you. However, I also suspect that becuase of the way your relationship operates, any possible connections you have are downplayed or seen as less than they are (or could be). I suspect that if you came home and mentioned a positive interaction with someone, your P had some kind of negative response that made you pull away further. You do need to consider whether this relationship is healthy.

From a practical perspective now, sit down and think about anyone you have spoken to a few times over the last few years. It doesn't have to be someone you feel you connected with. But, if, for example, you accompanied your granny to her appointments and she routinely saw the same nurse, put that person down. Similarly, what about parents of your DC - if your DC had a BFF, you would have had some engagement with the parents even if it was just a cherry hello/goodbye as you dropped/picked up your DC.

Then bite the bullet and contact these people and ask. Say that having been out of the workplace, looking after DC and elderly parents, you have found yourself inadvertently out of touch with a lot of people and you need a reference to confirm you are who you say you are.

It's also more than possible that one or more of these people are not oblivious to the fact that your life is not right and will therefore be more than happy to help.

I've seen your update about data analysts and agree that your skills would be in demand.

Also if you're nervous about getting back into it, would you consider a lower paid 'data administration' type role as a way of getting comfortable again? Or short term/maternity cover type contracts, although not giving you immediate stability, can be a great way back in after a break. Don't give up.

Op you say you need money fairly urgently, why not start with an easy option, to gain confidence and a reference, summer shop work or cafe work should be very easy as there are huge shortages.
Go in with a Cv and ask to talk to manangers, small businesses would be happy to talk to you and may have a position.
Don't be to fussy, just walk a high street with a smile and your Cv....face to face will help you rather than being screened by online agencies for example.
I take on seasonal staff and all came to me in a similar way, anyone who arrives with a good attitude and willing to work is snapped up.
Once you have a job you can take your time looking at ways to get into the roles you want, you mention childcare, what about an access cOurse at a local college?

Secondary schools near us are desperate for Teaching Assistants and keep pointing out that no particular qualifications/experience is needed. The pay is low but I think they can be rewarding roles.

I'm a massive believer in having a fresh start through taking a course. Don't aim for low level jobs now, OP - get yourself on a course which is face-to-face and you'll be able to get a reference off your tutors. I was a college lecturer and when two references were asked for, two lecturers would write them - it was perfectly acceptable.

What do you think you'd like to do - refresh your skills or learn new ones?

What was the job you left in 2020?

Would you be interested in joining a church? Not particularly for a reference but to extend your social contacts. I used to take my dc to a Sunday school and it was very friendly and welcoming.

Teenytinyvoice I literally didn’t know they existed - will research it now.

For 20 years I was a well paid report writer for a commercial widely used product that had a SQL server back end with a MS Access front end. Most of my experience was in writing large reports in Access which is now very much old hat. I’m very comfortable with enterprise manger but I haven’t hand coded SQL (as opposed to the query builder) for years and everyone seems to want business objects, yellowfin and powerbi now - my experience of those is minimal. I do know set theory like the back of my hand and I know that doesn’t change. I do have a masters degree in computer science but that was a long time ago and I don’t feel I could compete with the new graduates that know all the new tools after such a long time out.

Mum of one of your childrens’ friends. It doesn’t need to be fancy just they’ve known you for x years. Any activity your child has done and you’ve helped you could ask the coach or leader.
Or volunteer.

Research employers in tech who have a returners programme. These are specifically for people like you who have had breaks from their industry and is usually part of their edi programme. Good ones include training, coaching and mentoring

I’m pretty sure it would be OK for a character reference to be provided by your professional referees. I’ve given references for people years after they left or I left. I’m sure there will be someone who is as happy to give a personal reference as a professional one.
3 years isn’t that much of a break at all. Some women get back into the workplace after years of being a SAHM.
Good luck - you sound very much employable!

Anything a good fit at your local council? They are usually very understanding re career breaks/caring responsibilities.

Don’t go into elderly care unless money is unimportant.
contact your old company and explain that you have been caring for elderly parents who have now passed on . Do they have any retraining for workers.
They might be unhelpful but they might not, they might tell you what you need to get back into work, they might offer you retraing, they might tell you where IS looking for people - phone and ask and also ask who you should speak to there for info.

Right OP.
Here's my suggested bitesize plan:

Today - contact old pre-covid employer for a reference.

Day 2 - research into the back to work schemes for women in IT because what you wrote there sounds impressive.

Day 3 - start researching courses/beginners guides/you tube tutorials anything to introduce you the yellowfin/bi thingy you are out of touch with.

Day 4: if you're finding day 2/3 useful, continue to research. Consider what you need/would like from a course: remote learning? Do you want to go to a college and meet ppl?

Day 5 - make new plan dependent on how you're feeling, the resources & info gathered above. E.g. apply for X, find course for Y

You just need to take a first step.
You can sort out the relationship issues once you're earning.
Oh and don't let him fuck up getting back to work. Sounds like you've spent a lot of years putting everyone else first 💖

Me and my DW are sort of in your situation but the other way around - I'm quite outgoing and she's not so much.
I don't let it stop me; I have lots of friends and social groups that she chooses not to be a part of.

I'm not sure you can blame him for it - although I can imagine it does feel like it's where the blame should lie.

OhBling I posted in relationships mainly because I don’t have any. He’s really not one of those blokes - he’s happy if I’m doing what I want. Honestly he’s not controlling, just not sociable. I’ve let it get this bad on my own over the last 15 years. I wasn’t always like this - he’s never going to be a great dinner party guest and I just stopped being invited on my own. My own fault really.

I wish people would stop saying "volunteer" These want 2 references too! I am in the same boat and cannot even get a volunteer job

I know a generous estimate of zero about data analysis but you've really not been out of work that long- I think it would be worth at least looking into what training and schemes are available to update your CV. Maybe your old employer could advise what areas would be best to target when refreshing your knowledge? Perhaps a call with your old LM or a colleague? Doesn't sound like you left on bad terms, you just kept yourself to yourself and then some caring responsibilities came up. Could be worth putting the feelers out.

As per the current issue of a reference: local volunteering and courses are good calls both for this and the purposes of building a network and confidence. I think your previous employer should be able to help though, even if they can't provide an in depth testimonial to your every personality trait they can provide confirmation you worked there and hopefully they'll be able to say you were reliable and professional. It doesn't matter if you were a bit of a loner at work, plenty of people keep their work lives separate to home and you had a lot on your plate. Otherwise children's teacher maybe? You could offer to help at the next summer fete or sports day to give them something to go on.

I do think approach this step by step but you have identified a bigger issue of being isolated. If your husband wants to live a solitary life that's fine but you don't have to do the same. You're certainly not unemployable or in a terrible mess though. You're highly qualified in a profession and have shown great qualities when caring for family.

Would any of your kids friends parents provide a reference? I’d be happy to do for someone even if I’d only spoke sporadically over the years especially given everything you’ve been dealing with.