I think my relationship has made me unemployable

[Legwork]

I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. We’ve always rather isolated ourselves, not through my choice, but he’s ND and it was just difficult and in the end I gave up. So I’ve never really had any friends. I’m now 49, both kids are off to university and my caring responsibilities for elderly relatives have come to an end. I always assumed one day I would get a job working with young children in child care or elderly people as that all I’ve done recently and there is a shortage. I’ve started trying and it hadn’t crossed my mind that everyone wants personal references - I have no one I can ask that knows anything good to say about me.

I don’t know what to do. I was made redundant at the start of Covid and my mum died in May 2020. She was my Granny’s main carer and I wasn’t prepared to put her into a home during that time, so rather than looking for a new job, I took on that role. She passed away 9 months later. My Dad and brother had already died so I had to deal with both estates on my own. I inherited a reasonable sum from both and invested it all for retirement so it made no material difference to our daily lives. Suddenly the cost of living crisis, our fixed rate mortgage coming to an end and our very late realisation that our twins maintenance loan is means tested means I absolutely must find work. On paper I’m massively qualified, but I’m far too far away from my old industry to catch up and the only thing I’m really capable of is caring for the young and the old, without references though I can’t do anything. I’ve always regretted and slightly resented my rather lonely life, but I wasn’t desperately unhappy, but it’s now making me deeply fearful for the future. I don’t know where to turn. I’m not sure if relationships is where I should be posting, but I’m scared I’m going to end up very bitter and ruin the one relationship I do have if I can’t find my way out.

I agree with the posts above that are steering you away from thinking small. Your skill set is hugely in demand, especially with a little updating.

Check out here - https://womenreturners.com/returners/returner-opportunities-programmes/ and https://womenreturners.com/returners/return-to-work-support-centre/advice-hub/

Also: https://womenindata.co.uk/diverse-data-jobs/

It might be worth spending a little money on a laser-specific career coach here in England (if that's where you are) to give you some 1:1 support in this.

Certainly true for formal organisations but smaller local things could be a start, say if a fun day, church fete or charity coffee morning is happening. Could be worth checking local facebook groups or maybe WI.

I started walking dogs at my local rescue centre, no references required. Did it for a few months and the charity organisers would have been happy to give references after that.

Deathbyfluffy goodness, I don’t blame him at all. I blame the fact that my relationship made it far too easy to isolate myself - he likes my company and I’ve slowly lost my ability to make new friends, partly because I have none. It was laziness on my part. The people I interact with - village shop etc probably think I’m nice enough. I’m not scuttling about looking scared, I just don’t have anyone I could approach to give me a character reference without them thinking ‘bloody hell, I bearly know you - probably couldn’t give a surname , Am I really the best you’ve got? ‘
I’m perfectly chatty and friendly in the post office queue but it’s impossible to make a new friend when candidates realise early on you have no one else.

There are a number of businesses such as lloyds bank who have programmes to support returners to work. This includes data jobs. There must be many others.

Have you reached out to the women in data
Community on linkedin or been to any of their events?

Do you qualify for any of the government retraining schemes. There are quite a few online and its some are on data and tech skills.

It won't be easy but i don't think its hopeless.

What about a degree apprenticeship even? Where you work and study at the same time.

Have you been to the job centre and spoken to a job coach who have dealt with many people in your situation? They have a bad reputation but can be helpful.

3 years is no time at all - I know people who return after decades and honestly in 3 years the tech hasn't moved on much at all. Remember that most job specs are a laundry list of "nice to have" rather than essential and people are trained in new languages/packages/software all the time when they move organisations or migrate to a new platform.

With your experience you're already ahead of the game and even if you don't end up doing exactly what you did before you have transferable skills, you have shown your ability to master sql and access in the past so you don't anticipate any issues learning a new system, new challenge, etc.

In addition to researching returner programmes, I think you should also apply for lots of jobs and I think you'd be surprised. You probably will get a job more easily in data analysis than in care work with your profile. Get yourself on LinkedIn, ask a tech recruiter for a coffee over zoom, and get back out there!

You can do it! I believe in you!!

Passerillage wow - hadn’t crossed my mind that anyone would want my dusty old skill set. Will have a look.

Xiaoxiong I’m in a fairly deprived area there’s not a lot of big business or industry here, so it might be a bit sparse her - I’ll certainly look at this.

Would require references under Keeping Children Safe in Education legislation.

No way could you work in a school without at least two references. There are very tight safer recruitment policies and DBS clearance. Risks must be minimized.
In an OFSTED a school would be deemed inadequate if school leaders, including the governing board, have not followed the above.

Use your former colleagues. They only have to tick a few boxes confirming they know you and have no reason not to recommend you. It’s usually by email and will take them two minutes.

This stumped me too. I was imagining they would have to write a small essay on how great I was 😆

You could also volunteer in two places for the next year to build your local network and get more referees for the future.

Op it sounds like your confidence is pretty low rather than your ability - have a look in your area for “help to work” charity schemes to get a wee bit coaching around what to apply for and hopefully someone who can then be a referee.

Would your own GP give you a reference? I'm not sure what charities want out of volunteer references, but a lot of the time I think it's to be sure that you are who you say you are. You can get a DBS check too.

I've given character references for colleagues who were definitely not friends, I didn't know them at all outside of work. I knew enough of their character from having worked with them and stuck with what I knew to be true. An ex-colleague would be a decent reference.

and GPs will not give references anymore........

I’d have a look if someone needs a personal assistant. So close to being a career but Wo the personal care.
People will chose to get someone like that Wo going through SS. That might be away to get a first reference in that area.
baby sitting/mother’s help could be another way re children

OR you could do a CM course and start like that.

If you want to go back into tech take a look into returns schemes. They are for people who have had a career break so they will be expecting stuff like no recent references ect. https://womenreturners.com/returners/returner-opportunities-programmes/

Completely agree with this. I am on the committee for a sports/activity club that my daughter is involved in, and we are always short of volunteers because adults and children alike are involved in participating in our events. If somebody approached us asking if they could volunteer they would be very welcome, and if they showed up regularly and reliably and offered to do things, then there is no reason that I wouldn't provide a character reference. If they wanted to do specific activities with our junior members then there would begin a process of CRB check etc. but for general activities it wouldn't be necessary.

Could you take a course or class and then ask people there for a reference?

Do a college course, even a short one. That'll give you one reference and it's a great way to meet people. I did a digital photography evening course and really enjoyed it.

From personal experience, I went from caring for my grandmother into the care profession (nursing home then community care) and it was far from the rewarding experience that I thought it would be. It was back breaking, thankless and exhausting - and you don't tend to make friends from it as you're not often with other carers long enough.

You could volunteer with the National Trust or similar if you have anything local to you? Or an animal shelter?

@Legwork I think you have just lost your confidence and you need to find it back. Others have already suggested ways in which you can get that necessary reference and I do hope you actively pursue those avenues. I think you can choose to be a cater or work with young people or go back to a similar role to what you were doing. If you studied to masters level in computer science there is no reason why you won't be able to master the new software.

Don't sell yourself short

Im not sure what I’m aiming at I guess. I knew my particular speciality was getting a bit tired a few years ago and had started thinking about the newer tools, but I was needed and useful where I was and didn’t update my skill set for other employers. Covid all but destroyed my old company and now I’m just a bit adrift and feel rather like I’ve failed at everything. I have investments, so don’t qualify to sign on and record the fact that I’m actively looking for work, so I don’t even count as a statistic!

I thought jobs usually only needed character references if you didn't have work related references or had such a big gap your old employer wouldn't remember you? In which case that doesn't apply to you, 3 years isn't particulalry long, I'd just put the hr department of your last job down. It doesn't matter if its in a different sector than the one you're applying for, they will probably just give you a basic "x worked here for x years" type but thr majority of the time that's all that's needed -I've worked in various public sector jobs my whole life so my references have literally always just been those very basic ones and I've never needed to do a character reference on top.

Alternatively could you sign up to a it/coding skills based course (I've seen loads advertised aimed at women/those returning to the workforce) - make an effort to chat to the other people on the course and then maybe either them or the tutor would be happy to give you a reference. Plus it could lead to a better paid job than childcare etc.

Exactly. @Legwork you are overthinking this. If you approach someone for a reference and explain you don’t have a more recent employer to ask, they will understand. They won’t think “whaaat, don’t you have anyone else to ask?” as you said upthread. And so what if they do. They can say yes or no. If they say no, ask someone else you knew through work. There will be someone who will do it.
Several of us on this thread have said they have given character references for former employees or colleagues. Just ask, or ask some of the other people that PPs have suggested.

I see others have beaten me to it but I really recommend the https://womenreturners.com/returners/ programme. It’s designed exactly for people in your position and I’ve worked with several women in IT/project management/data who have been out of the workplace for much longer than you but have successfully restarted their careers through it.

It offers support, advice and networking as well as job opportunities.

I haven’t rtwt, but have you thought about a conversion MSc in data science or AI? There are scholarships available for women. You could work PT in care work while studying and then move into a better paid job in tech. If not that then there are loads of schemes for getting women (back) into tech jobs