I think my relationship has made me unemployable

[Legwork]

I’ve been with my husband since I was sixteen. We’ve always rather isolated ourselves, not through my choice, but he’s ND and it was just difficult and in the end I gave up. So I’ve never really had any friends. I’m now 49, both kids are off to university and my caring responsibilities for elderly relatives have come to an end. I always assumed one day I would get a job working with young children in child care or elderly people as that all I’ve done recently and there is a shortage. I’ve started trying and it hadn’t crossed my mind that everyone wants personal references - I have no one I can ask that knows anything good to say about me.

I don’t know what to do. I was made redundant at the start of Covid and my mum died in May 2020. She was my Granny’s main carer and I wasn’t prepared to put her into a home during that time, so rather than looking for a new job, I took on that role. She passed away 9 months later. My Dad and brother had already died so I had to deal with both estates on my own. I inherited a reasonable sum from both and invested it all for retirement so it made no material difference to our daily lives. Suddenly the cost of living crisis, our fixed rate mortgage coming to an end and our very late realisation that our twins maintenance loan is means tested means I absolutely must find work. On paper I’m massively qualified, but I’m far too far away from my old industry to catch up and the only thing I’m really capable of is caring for the young and the old, without references though I can’t do anything. I’ve always regretted and slightly resented my rather lonely life, but I wasn’t desperately unhappy, but it’s now making me deeply fearful for the future. I don’t know where to turn. I’m not sure if relationships is where I should be posting, but I’m scared I’m going to end up very bitter and ruin the one relationship I do have if I can’t find my way out.

If it's a personal reference the referee wouldn't need to be a professional.

Op I'm a recruiter and 3 years out of work for someone with caring responsibilities isn't that bad at all on paper.
Why not look up some agencies that specialise in return-to-work parents, ten2two etc.

Also a reference from an employer from 3 years ago is usually fine if that's your last employer

"an easy option, to gain confidence and a reference, summer shop work or cafe work should be very easy as there are huge shortages."

She needs a personal reference rather than a work one.

Why not have a look at your local parkrun page, the ones near me are always crying out for reliable volunteers. Super friendly too, you don't need to be a runner to hand out tokens or marshall. If you turn up come rain or shine for a few weeks and then ask for a personal reference to say you're reliable I'm sure they'd be only too happy to oblige.

OP things aren't so bad! From the title I thought you were going to say (like many other threads I've read) that you were 49 and been out of the workforce since age 22 or something. Three years is nothing, OK yes technology can move on in that time, but in terms of getting a personal reference, it's nothing.

hi bearpawk - does that apply for personal references ? The one I was looking at earlier said it would need to cover “personality, character, behaviour and ethics.” I don’t feel anyone I know would be able to talk about those things really? I turned up, did the work well, bought cakes on my birthday and signed leaving cards. I didn’t really connect with anyone - my department in every job has always been very much a young male dominated space and I had twins and crochet to think about so I kind of kept myself to myself.

What@Anothercrappyusername said: the references you need to provided only have to state the dates you started and finished work, your job title and duties. You can approach your Data Analyst employer for this, either HR or Line/Supervisor Manager. You don't need their friendship, just a reference which confirms you had a job between certain dates etc.

If you are religious, approach vicar or similar. Even a neighbour can provide a character reference. I know that not having a reference will not rule you out of looking after the elderly, approach your local job centre: they will help you around this dilemma.

I.T. might actually be easier to return to. Transferable skills.

Would you consider getting involved in your local church? Most run coffee mornings/lunch clubs/kids' activities and they are desperate for volunteers. Regardless of religious belief, it may be a good way to meet people, get involved in things?

I think be a bit cheeky, as a former boss a neighbour, a relatives spouse. If you say look I don't know many people but we've always got on, would you be prepared to give me a personal reference most people will say yes. I've given references for people I've not seen for a while.

If you really don't have these options two other options:
1 volunteer somewhere for a few months, maybe with kids or the elderly

1. Do a course that interests you, in person. Usually then the lecturer or another pupil can give a reference
2. Join a reading group, hobby club etc.
3. Get a job, any job and that will get you a reference.

I don't think this is a bad as you think. Consider all the people you know,the doctors, solicitors you dealt with, former colleagues.

I don't know you but if I did and knew it to be true, I would happily right something like this.

I know Legwork for the last X years.
She is a wonderful, caring person who has selflessly dedicated the past number of years raising her children, caring for her mother until her passing 9 months ago, as well caring for a number of other close family members over the years.

She is a people person; calm, caring and patient, highly dependable and has phenomenonal multi taking abilities.

While I didn't work with her previously, I am aware that she has worked in the techology sector in the past and is looking forward to returning to the workforce.

All you need is someone who will write something like the above.

Do a course and the tutor will be a reference once you pass.

@Legwork
Also check out this scheme - might be useful to you
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/find-a-skills-bootcamp

Try and do some online training in the new platforms being used in your old industry. When I read OP, I thought you’d been out of the industry for 18 years, but 3 years is a very doable gap.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees oh if only! While I have no doubt in my mind, honestly, that I am those things, I don’t know anyone that could reasonably be able to say those things about me. I have plenty of acquaintances that will testify I exist, but no one qualified to say I’m good with kids or the vulnerable.

OP definitely look into Code Clubs for women, and the Returners programme. With your educational background you would absolutely pick this up and could find a whole new chapter.

Talk to them. They might be able to suggest some way you could volunteer with them. Perhaps it wouldn't be a role working directly with their service users but they may have something that you could do until they get to know you.

And it's only 3 years since you worked?? You might be a dinosaur in your own industry but a 3 year old job reference - if you can get one - will still be fine for people who only want to know that you turned up on time and were not sacked for gross misconduct.

Meanwhile - coding doesn't require references regarding conduct with children or the elderly.

I agree with getting into some kind of volunteering or similar if you can to build your confidence.

Would your children's teachers act as a character referee? Or did they do any hobbies whose coordinates would provide a reference?

Try meetup.com or what new hobby groups could you join? Social dancing, knit & knatter, would you go climbing, etc? Not instant fixes but I think your quality of life will improve as well as building up a network of people that you could call on for referees.

Also: You don't need referees to start your own business. Could you go self-employed doing something?

Go to your local council. They should have an employment support scheme where you will get a mentor who will help and support you into work. They will help you negotiate all the obstacles. They will also help finding volunteering work and are likely to have funding to pay for you to get the qualifications you need to get into the work you want.

I also think you should consider developing your own interests and hobbies even if your H does not want to tag along.

Look for really small charities. An animal charity I volunteer with in London will take people on with no references, and will provide a reference after 3 months. If you’re able to commit to a few hours a week (can be evenings) and are nearby then PM me if you want more details because we’d love new volunteers!

DuckWithOneWing what a lovely thing to offer - unfortunately a bit too far I think, but very much appreciated.

Try for a data-related job - join LinkedIn and add everyone you can - and join a choir/school governors/Spanish class and make some friends, OP! This isn’t going to get easier with age, and you need more relationships in your life. Good luck!

Absolutely agree with those pointing you to returner schemes - esp the links posted by Passerillage. Quite a few employers are currently keen on employing returners and they are understanding of any rustiness.

You will probably find this route easier to get into (as well as better paid) compared with caring work where you don’t have experience or personal references.

If a returner scheme doesn’t work for you - Do you have old colleagues you could get in touch with? Anyone who thought well of you back in the day? Set yourself up on LinkedIn (if not already) and request to connect. I believe you can show yourself to be “looking for work” on LinkedIn. You could look at where your former colleagues are working and see if there are any jobs advertised by that company, or the other way round (look for jobs and then see if you have a contact there) - then you have a foot in the door, and an inbuilt reference in the form of your old colleague. I got a job in my old industry this way after a 4 year break.

You've only been out of work for three years. That's not an unusual gap. Your employment references from the previous job are still relevant. 3 years may seem like a lifetime in IT but there will still be organisations using the platforms you're familiar with. Do a refresher course, look into STEM support for women returning to work. Try the Job Centre, but tbh don't expect them to be able to help directly, what they can hopefully do is signpost to someone that can help.