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Original poster

Would you think my husband might be gay?

198 replies

MentalToad · 26/06/2023 09:06

We have sex but never touches me down there or goes down on me. Totally uninterested, possibly a little disgusted by vagina!!

I try asking him and he says yeah OK but never ever does it. He also flips me over a lot and used to want to do anal a lot. But that's stopped as we got old and boring

Also he has a weird thing where he hero worships his bloke mates and is generally uninterested in women, in social situations.

Am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Superdupes · 28/06/2023 12:11

Have you seen Broke Back Mountain and what he does to the wife on that supposed love story? Everyone seemed to gloss over the appalling way the wife was treated though - because it was woke and the two blokes were happily shagging in love.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if he was gay, I've been through the same myself and it was BBM that actually made me realise what was going on as he always wanted sex from behind. It took him 25 years to admit to it and 3 years of me wondering and asking (and being told by sites like this and by him that it didn't mean anything) so I wouldn't count on him admitting it to it or finding the answers on here.

I don't think talking to him is going to get you anywhere anyway, as lets face it, it never has before. So you have to decide what you want. Are you happy apart from this? Is it enough? Do you want to stay even if he is gay and pretending to be straight? Could he be cheating on you with men and putting you at risk of STDs? It's a shit situation to be in I know, please start putting yourself first and figuring out where you want to go from here.

swimlyn · 28/06/2023 16:23

It’s strange @Londre that you’ve looked at one part of the picture and ignored the rest.

You wouldn’t make it as a detective…

EarthSight · 28/06/2023 17:12

OP there are several reasons for this, if it's to do with him. The most likely ones are -

  • He could have been abused as a child, and he's never going to tell anyone that.
  • He's not heterosexual. That doesn't mean he's automatically gay, but it does mean he could be asexual or geared towards a particular fetish. Asexual people might have some kind of sex drive, but it's not oriented towards one sex another. It could also be that he is orientated towards a fetish that you don't know about. So what this means is that his main sexual relationship is with his fetish, not with another human being. If a man was really into latex for example, he might be into wearing it, touching it, getting a woman to wear it, but his main sexual orientation is not with the woman. She would just be there to display and interact with the object of his sexual desire (his fetish), in a manner that excites him.
EarthSight · 28/06/2023 17:17

@Superdupes I'm sorry for your experience. There must have been much confusion and self-doubt of the years with that.

Just like some hetrosexual men just aren't sexually bothered at all or have a low sex drive, I think some gay men are like that as well. Because that type of gay man isn't as sexually driven, it might take them longer to work out that they're actually gay. It manifests through an ambivilence or dislike for the female form, and an almost romantically driven interest in other men.

EarthSight · 28/06/2023 17:17

Agapornis · 26/06/2023 18:09

I briefly dated someone like this (must now be in his mid 30s, your probably not your H). After asking why he didn't bother with foreplay, he say he didn't like vaginas, certainly didn't want to go down on them, and he'd rather suck a dick... And yeah, obsessed with anal (which he didn't get, no anal without foreplay matey). It didn't last beyond that conversation. Formerly very religious. Totally closeted gay.

God that sounds awful.

Original poster
MentalToad · 28/06/2023 22:22

There is too much going on. He's very low energy generally. His theory is he has anemia. I think he might be depressed.

He does like sex I think. Not a lot but he enjoys it for the short time it lasts. He's just not interested in foreplay or anything like that. And the worshiping of other men is very annoying. Only time i see him animated if if a friend or male YouTuber he likes says something "funny".

He used to go down on me but the second we got married it all stopped.

I think I've given the impression we are old. I'm in my late 30s. He's a decade older.

I kind of agree it doesn't matter if he's gay or not. Just matters I'm unhappy with it. I feel like I'm living the life of an old person. Right now I'm lying in bed as he snores beside me. He's been in bed since 9.

I have quite enjoyed the random comments on this thread. A distraction from my unhappy sex life!

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 29/06/2023 03:33

MentalToad · 28/06/2023 22:22

There is too much going on. He's very low energy generally. His theory is he has anemia. I think he might be depressed.

He does like sex I think. Not a lot but he enjoys it for the short time it lasts. He's just not interested in foreplay or anything like that. And the worshiping of other men is very annoying. Only time i see him animated if if a friend or male YouTuber he likes says something "funny".

He used to go down on me but the second we got married it all stopped.

I think I've given the impression we are old. I'm in my late 30s. He's a decade older.

I kind of agree it doesn't matter if he's gay or not. Just matters I'm unhappy with it. I feel like I'm living the life of an old person. Right now I'm lying in bed as he snores beside me. He's been in bed since 9.

I have quite enjoyed the random comments on this thread. A distraction from my unhappy sex life!

I'm 10 years older then you. It's not your twilight. Get out. Find your happiness. It's scary but my dear you will blossom

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 29/06/2023 03:43

HoistWithHisOwnPetard · 26/06/2023 13:11

well considering they had children, he had sex with her at some point, no? even though he was gay

Show quote history

Not necessarily, there's always the turkey baster option.

Bansheed · 29/06/2023 03:47

EarthSight · 28/06/2023 17:12

OP there are several reasons for this, if it's to do with him. The most likely ones are -

  • He could have been abused as a child, and he's never going to tell anyone that.
  • He's not heterosexual. That doesn't mean he's automatically gay, but it does mean he could be asexual or geared towards a particular fetish. Asexual people might have some kind of sex drive, but it's not oriented towards one sex another. It could also be that he is orientated towards a fetish that you don't know about. So what this means is that his main sexual relationship is with his fetish, not with another human being. If a man was really into latex for example, he might be into wearing it, touching it, getting a woman to wear it, but his main sexual orientation is not with the woman. She would just be there to display and interact with the object of his sexual desire (his fetish), in a manner that excites him.

This is interesting, re fetishism. Is that the accepted view, that it is not about the partner at all? My BF's DH is going down a rabbit hole of a nylon fetish, after taking years to even mention it! Is there further reading you can suggest

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 29/06/2023 03:47

Also someone talked about religoius stuff - he was bought up in an extreme religouis house even though he left all that behind. I'd tend to think this is the reason or a big part of it. Leaving it all behind doesn't mean he's managed to escape the subconscious programming that comes from being bought up in an environment like this.

bozzabollix · 29/06/2023 06:46

My friend is in a similar position. Her boyfriend finds vaginas repulsive, hates the smell and he’s also talked of the possibility of being gay. What she gets out of the relationship is beyond me.

I can’t believe you’re in your late thirties. Please leave, life is way too short. Men usually adore vaginas if they’re heterosexual. You’re too young to only ever have bad sex.

Original poster
MentalToad · 29/06/2023 08:36

The religious stuff weighs on my mind. He does not talk it a lot but it was a very big deal in his family. Lots of priests and religious people stayed in his home. I find FiL quite weird. He's not religious these days but I hate him being around. He's always grabbing our kids and forcing kisses and cuddles and MiL telling him to stop. I'm being paranoid. But I don't enjoy his company at all.

I feel like I don't really know my husband at all sometimes. He has no stories from his childhood at all really.

At the moment I've tried talking to him but his new line is he's got anemia and to leave him alone because he's dealing with that and trying to get better. He goes to work every day, helps with bedtimes with kids. He's in bed v esrly asleep. We haven't had sex in months but I don't bring it up as he will say I never instigate it and anyway I don't really want to anyway. He's never made me orgasm. I fake it though.

OP posts:
Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 29/06/2023 08:57

swimlyn · 28/06/2023 08:05

My sympathies @DreamTheMoors . Been there, done that.

Probably best to remember that in threads like this you get men posing as women. The aggression and pov usually gives it away, although of course you can’t be absolutely sure.

I think a lot of the ‘change gender/if this was the other way round’ posts come from them. Often with a female orientated username too.

You can see this in a lot of MN threads nowadays.

Thank you so much for saying this. There are so many men on MN posing as women. It's quite easy to spot, although when you do they turn against you and accuse you of misogyny. It is so obvious, but a lot of people seem to side with them - usually women who love a social media pile-on. When I detect it I just have to walk away because it would damage my mental health to keep engaging with aggressive manipulative men who pretend to be female.

CurlyQueues · 29/06/2023 11:23

He's just not interested in foreplay or anything like that.

He's just not interested in you getting any pleasure from the sex that you do have.

but the second we got married it all stopped.

That was the same with my ex, we had a perfectly normal sex life until we got married.

I find FiL quite weird. He's not religious these days but I hate him being around. He's always grabbing our kids and forcing kisses and cuddles and MiL telling him to stop. I'm being paranoid. But I don't enjoy his company at all.

You are not being paranoid, your instincts are telling you that this man is not to be trusted. Please protect your children and do not force his company upon them. Or yourself.

Why fake orgasms? Your husband makes absolutely no effort to please you, from what you've said, why should you boost his ego by pretending he is?

There is so much peace and contentment away from such relationships Flowers

greenstrawberry · 29/06/2023 12:03

OP why are you with this man???

EarthSight · 29/06/2023 12:43

@Bansheed I don't know actually. I have no reading material on it but I would advise caution if you read articles on the subject online. 'Sex positivity' seems to have morphed into something that tells women they're not allowed to have boundaries or dislikes.

There is a different between being turned on by a woman in nylons, and having a nylon fetish. If it's a fetish, then he's likely going to be masturbating with the nylons just by themselves. It'll probably better for him if they're on a woman, but his main sexual relationship is with an object, not with the opposite sex (again, that doesn't man the man is gay either).

I think you can tell the difference by how interested a man is in the female body overall. If they don't see that bothered, if they're a bit 'meh' about a woman's boobs, private parts or the shape of a woman, but they're very interested in a specific thing that could belong to either sex (hair, feet) or an object (like nylons) then it's a good chance it's a fetish. A fetish is akin to a sexual fixtation or an orientation in my view, and everything else is placed in 2nd importance to it.

EarthSight · 29/06/2023 12:44

seem that bothered*

Original poster
MentalToad · 29/06/2023 21:13

@EarthSight what do you mean by nylons?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 29/06/2023 21:35

I think this was Bansheed's wording (the poster I was replying to). It's some people's word for stockings. Nylons is a bit old fashioned as it goes back to World War 2 when they went from silk to nylon (I think).

Bansheed · 30/06/2023 00:28

EarthSight · 29/06/2023 12:43

@Bansheed I don't know actually. I have no reading material on it but I would advise caution if you read articles on the subject online. 'Sex positivity' seems to have morphed into something that tells women they're not allowed to have boundaries or dislikes.

There is a different between being turned on by a woman in nylons, and having a nylon fetish. If it's a fetish, then he's likely going to be masturbating with the nylons just by themselves. It'll probably better for him if they're on a woman, but his main sexual relationship is with an object, not with the opposite sex (again, that doesn't man the man is gay either).

I think you can tell the difference by how interested a man is in the female body overall. If they don't see that bothered, if they're a bit 'meh' about a woman's boobs, private parts or the shape of a woman, but they're very interested in a specific thing that could belong to either sex (hair, feet) or an object (like nylons) then it's a good chance it's a fetish. A fetish is akin to a sexual fixtation or an orientation in my view, and everything else is placed in 2nd importance to it.

Thank you. Interesting point about sex positivity online. At the moment we discuss over much wine, but it is definitely worth exploring. She is happy but going through a very new stage of the decades long sex life. I told her of your comments and she said she still feels he fancies her, herself. So that sounds good

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/06/2023 07:25

Why on earth are you faking organs with such a low/no effort, selfish man who's presumably hassled you for anal in the past as well?

Also I find the fact he married a decade younger woman significant.

His upbringing/background/father sounds as didn't and fuck.
Wouldn't be letting the forced cuddling etc continue.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/06/2023 07:26

*dodgy as fuck

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/06/2023 07:28

I think he made sure he got a woman young/significantly younger than him cause he thought hed cal the shots and get away with more.... And it sounds like he has.

Men often do this ..... In spite of the posters who'll pop up repeatedly to tell us how wonderful their relationship with their 10/15/20.yrs older man is. Maybe it is; doesn't change the character and behaviour of lots of men who seek out/partner up with significantly younger women though.

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