Would you think my husband might be gay?

[MentalToad]

We have sex but never touches me down there or goes down on me. Totally uninterested, possibly a little disgusted by vagina!!

I try asking him and he says yeah OK but never ever does it. He also flips me over a lot and used to want to do anal a lot. But that's stopped as we got old and boring

Also he has a weird thing where he hero worships his bloke mates and is generally uninterested in women, in social situations.

Am I reading too much into it?

Healthy vaginas aren't gross. Fuck off with that misogynistic bullshit.

gay or not doesn’t sound great and doesn’t sound like it’s working for you.

*Just trying to imagine the outrage if this thread was flipped.

"Wife never gives me a BJ - must be a lesbian."*

You must have read a different thread.

You are talking about a man who likes anal sex.

It doesn’t matter the reason OP - if you are unhappy, you are completely justified to end the marriage.

& it’s up to if you if you want to be truthful to friends & family. It’s not your secret shame.

Sex life sounds shit and if he has zero interest in or affinity for women, then presumably he has none for you either (even as his wife), which also sounds shit.

Whatever his reasons/issues are, they're making you unhappy.

Perhaps that needs addressing more than trying to psychoanalyse him and why he's like it. Now I'm in my 50s, I'm all about the simplest approach to life!

My exh turned out to be gay, and he would never touch my genitalia and clearly found them gross. He also very much preferred doggie position.

I agree with this.

"Also someone talked about religoius stuff - he was bought up in an extreme religouis house even though he left all that behind."

I think this may be your answer, rather than him being gay.

And I don't think he has left it all behind. The drip, drip, drip of extreme religion will have seeped in during childhood, forming his dysfunctional attitudes towards women and sex. So many religions / sects / cults push the 'for procreation only' line. Sex as chore. Actually wanting sex thus makes the person 'dirty', sinful, to be despised. Often, hand in hand with that goes the social separation of men and women - men socialising only with each other at the golf club etc., the little women at home meeting other little women at home, drinking tea and letting their children play together. So very, very 1950s. And not so far from your description of him. What are his parents like? How do they live?

How tied to this man are you? Do you have children? Because whether or not he's gay, you are not happy in your marriage. I wonder if you thought, 'If he's gay then I can divorce him'? That this would give you, in your own head, permission to divorce? Because you really don't need that to seek a divorce. You are unhappy, that's enough.

Line 1 of Post 1 by OP: "We have sex but never touches me down there or goes down on me."

Please do tell me more about how I read a different thread.

Just trying to imagine the outrage if this thread was flipped.

"Wife never gives me a BJ - must be a lesbian."

Why would there be outrage?

If a woman couldn't bear to touch or taste her husband's penis then yes, her being gay might be something she might want to explore.

I don't think he's gay... it's neither here nor there if he is.

But something is definitely up. Sex has gotten a bit dry - if you're running low on intimacy in the relationship that is a sign of something.

As for his friendships, that's a totally different thing. Is his circle of friends mixed or is it mostly men? I don't think 'not liking women' comes into it.

I tell my partner a fair bit about my (mostly) female friendship circle. It has no baring on my sexuality, it doesn't mean I want to knack on with any of them.

I just have female friends mostly and she doesn't mind.

I think him potentially being gay is a red herring. Instead, he is a man with little interest in who you, and women as a whole, are. He is especially disinterested in sexual intimacy or women's sexual pleasure.

He just doesn't like women as people and doesn't consider them worth getting to know. He's not going to change, so you need to ask yourself if want to continue being married to a man who isn't interested in you on any level.

Seriously? In what way are vaginas “gross”?

He may or may not be gay but he sounds like a lousy shag

Just because he doesn’t want oral sex or to bother with a finger job doesn’t mean he hates women or is gay.. I also think expecting anyone to do anything they don’t enjoy in bed and to label them negatively for it is awful. We wouldn’t be getting comments and attitudes like this if a woman was posting saying she didn’t like blow jobs or handjobs.

He could well be Gay- I was married to someone very much like this, his third wife says he's just the same with her..and she wonders if he is Gay.

Gay male friends say ''heterosexual'' men {Married and in partnerships with women} DO meet up with men for sex- It's far from rare.

It's the hero worship thing of other men looking twinkly eyed in their company- and a definite actual dislike of female anatomy- I know exactly what @MentalToad means-

It's definitely not just a case of ''Not liking X Y or Z''.

🤣

Why not try just engaging with the actual thread and OPs problem rather than instantly inventing some hypothetical man to feel sorry for in a made up situation? I’ll never understand the mentality of people who are so desperate to start crowing “if this was the other way around…”

OP, he’s selfish and frankly sounds absolutely shit in bed. Why are you with him?

is it the law that on every single thread on MN someone has to chirp 'it would be very different responses if the sexes were reversed'?

My responses wouldn't be different.

So he may be repulsed by vaginas but is ok with anal sex hmm. Sounds like he has a lot of issues not sure being gay is one of them though

Just because he doesn’t want oral sex or to bother with a finger job doesn’t mean he hates women or is gay.. I also think expecting anyone to do anything they don’t enjoy in bed and to label them negatively for it is awful

So any woman who doesn't come from PIV just needs to resign herself to solo only orgasms if she finds herself married to such a prince amongst men?

Absolutely true !