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Original poster

Would you think my husband might be gay?

198 replies

MentalToad · 26/06/2023 09:06

We have sex but never touches me down there or goes down on me. Totally uninterested, possibly a little disgusted by vagina!!

I try asking him and he says yeah OK but never ever does it. He also flips me over a lot and used to want to do anal a lot. But that's stopped as we got old and boring

Also he has a weird thing where he hero worships his bloke mates and is generally uninterested in women, in social situations.

Am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
Nowvoyager99 · 26/06/2023 16:13

Probably gay/bi.

Whatever his issue is, I would leave OP. This carry on must be damaging your confidence.

WorkOfArt · 26/06/2023 16:17

Yes I definitely think he could be gay.

CosyFanTucci · 26/06/2023 16:22

Probably not gay. But definitely doesn't like or respect women.

Bluekangaroo123 · 26/06/2023 16:24

MentalToad · 26/06/2023 12:09

@Bababear987 very little. very little indeed.

He just finds periods, or my knickers or whatever quite gross seemingly. I definitely don't feel desired in any way.

That’s really hard on you OP, he sounds very immature & that must be wrecking your confidence.

aloris · 26/06/2023 16:32

NotmyRLname · 26/06/2023 15:58

Just because he doesn’t want oral sex or to bother with a finger job doesn’t mean he hates women or is gay.. I also think expecting anyone to do anything they don’t enjoy in bed and to label them negatively for it is awful. We wouldn’t be getting comments and attitudes like this if a woman was posting saying she didn’t like blow jobs or handjobs.

Aren't you pretty much saying that women are unreasonable if they expect any effort from the man to ensure they enjoy the marital act? You pretty much think he should just be able to hammer away for 3.5 min (probably less, let's be frank) otherwise she's being unfair asking him to do something he doesn't enjoy in bed?

KCandtheSunlightBand · 26/06/2023 16:43

I am in the process of divorcing my H over similar issues. After 20+ years of this my confidence and self esteem are shot. We have had many ‘talks’ over the years, but nothing really changed.

In my case he seemed to keep his end of the bargain sufficiently for us to have three children then nothing else.
I don’t think my H is gay, possible asexual. Obviously living a lie though, whatever it may be. I suspect yours is the same. In my experience it won’t get any better, but may get worse.

KCandtheSunlightBand · 26/06/2023 16:47

Just to add, he may have been a non emotional, non loving husband but he is being an absolute bastard about the divorce, so perhaps more hate involved than I had allowed for.

loislovesstewie · 26/06/2023 16:49

Why would any woman want to have sex with a man who can't be bothered to do anything at all to stimulate her sexually? Apart from the fact it might be physically painful for her, what is the point of martyring yourself so he can get his rocks off?

momonpurpose · 26/06/2023 16:54

I don't know if he is gay but I do know you need to leave this relationship as fast as you can

BadNomad · 26/06/2023 16:55

Does it even matter? Sex with him is shit and he doesn't want to do better. Trying to figure out if he is gay, straight or bi is just a distraction.

Original poster
MentalToad · 26/06/2023 16:56

@KCandtheSunlightBand ah yes, that's v difficult. what is your ex doing?

i have the same fear. DH is happy enough going along with all of this - but i can tell he doesn't really value my opinion and doesn't really fancy me. i don't know if he used to, or if i've always been blind to it. I don't know if he fancies anyone. But yes, i think if i left indifference would turn to hate too. I tell myself no point leaving for better sex - i've had a lot of bad sex - i'm not desparate to find someone new - but i think it's the indifference that is even worse - and that is playing out in bedroom. I would say it's just that he doesn't fancy me anymore - but i've never picked up on even a hint of him finding another woman interesting or attractive. I think i used to think that was loyalty to me, but sadly think it may just be he doesn't like women very much.

OP posts:
NotmyRLname · 26/06/2023 16:56

No @aloris its perfectly ok for
someone to say their needs aren’t being met and to walk away and find
someone else, man or woman.. but if this was gender reversed we would all be calling the unsatisfied man out. I’ve literally seen it on here.
imagine a man could only orgasm via anal sex would we be saying to the woman she needs to make him orgasm however she can? would we call her selfish or crap in bed if she didn’t?

TheMurderousGoose · 26/06/2023 16:59

aloris · 26/06/2023 16:32

Aren't you pretty much saying that women are unreasonable if they expect any effort from the man to ensure they enjoy the marital act? You pretty much think he should just be able to hammer away for 3.5 min (probably less, let's be frank) otherwise she's being unfair asking him to do something he doesn't enjoy in bed?

Show quote history

certainly reads that way.

Quartz2208 · 26/06/2023 17:05

I think him being gay would suit you better OP as somehow explaining the problem rather than what it seems is that you have married an unpleasant man

aloris · 26/06/2023 17:05

NotmyRLname · 26/06/2023 16:56

No @aloris its perfectly ok for
someone to say their needs aren’t being met and to walk away and find
someone else, man or woman.. but if this was gender reversed we would all be calling the unsatisfied man out. I’ve literally seen it on here.
imagine a man could only orgasm via anal sex would we be saying to the woman she needs to make him orgasm however she can? would we call her selfish or crap in bed if she didn’t?

You are comparing foreplay to anal sex as if they were on the same plane, when in reality, one is a normal part of the marital act and the other is not.

CurlyQueues · 26/06/2023 17:14

MentalToad · 26/06/2023 16:56

@KCandtheSunlightBand ah yes, that's v difficult. what is your ex doing?

i have the same fear. DH is happy enough going along with all of this - but i can tell he doesn't really value my opinion and doesn't really fancy me. i don't know if he used to, or if i've always been blind to it. I don't know if he fancies anyone. But yes, i think if i left indifference would turn to hate too. I tell myself no point leaving for better sex - i've had a lot of bad sex - i'm not desparate to find someone new - but i think it's the indifference that is even worse - and that is playing out in bedroom. I would say it's just that he doesn't fancy me anymore - but i've never picked up on even a hint of him finding another woman interesting or attractive. I think i used to think that was loyalty to me, but sadly think it may just be he doesn't like women very much.

He doesn't value your opinion, doesn't fancy you, is indifferent to you. Do you not want more from the person you're sharing your life with? Is it not wanting him to hate you or fear that makes you stay?

You could have so much more. I don't mean a nicer partner but life without the thoughts that this man is causing you to have Flowers

sandyhappypeople · 26/06/2023 17:18

MentalToad · 26/06/2023 16:56

@KCandtheSunlightBand ah yes, that's v difficult. what is your ex doing?

i have the same fear. DH is happy enough going along with all of this - but i can tell he doesn't really value my opinion and doesn't really fancy me. i don't know if he used to, or if i've always been blind to it. I don't know if he fancies anyone. But yes, i think if i left indifference would turn to hate too. I tell myself no point leaving for better sex - i've had a lot of bad sex - i'm not desparate to find someone new - but i think it's the indifference that is even worse - and that is playing out in bedroom. I would say it's just that he doesn't fancy me anymore - but i've never picked up on even a hint of him finding another woman interesting or attractive. I think i used to think that was loyalty to me, but sadly think it may just be he doesn't like women very much.

think it may just be he doesn't like women very much.

Is he like that in other areas? Does he respect your opinions and value what you say, does he value any other women or respect them? Does he treat you like an equal in other ways? The extremely religious upbringing could explained the lack of foreplay and vaginaphobia, it's still shit though.

It's horrible for you to feel this way, no one should be made to feel this way by their partner, maybe you need an honest conversation about all this. Don't think you have to stay in an unhappy relationship just because you 'should'.

I'm amazed you're still having sex with him to be honest, If it's as bad as you say I'd have shut up shop by now.

DeflatedAgain · 26/06/2023 17:38

Gay? I don't know, maybe, maybe not.
Selfish? Absolutely.

MyAnacondaMight · 26/06/2023 17:39

He sounds like he hates women generally, rather than specifically hates sex with women. Might be gay, but that’s not really the point.

Trixiefirecracker · 26/06/2023 17:43

Page 7 and has no one yet suggested that the OP maybe ask her husband why he doesn’t want to touch her vulva/vagina. No one on here will have the answer. We can all speculate wildly about him being gay/repressed or just indifferent but our guesses are not going to help you OP.
It never ceases to amaze me that people are so intimate with one another but don’t even bother communicating about what they like/don’t like/ why something is not fulfilling them etc etc. Maybe try having a Frank discussion about your sex life to begin with?
Plus, There’s a whole heap of nonsense on this thread that I can’t even get my head round. For starters I can absolutely promise you that gay men have sex with straight women, it has happened to me.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/06/2023 17:46

It doesn't matter if he is gay and knows he is, gay but doesn't know, is repressed and brain washed by religious lunacy... hates all women, is secretly a serial killer...

He treats you badly. He is selfish. He is an unpleasant person to spend life with. He has some serious issues he needs to sort out for himself.

Get out.

This isn't going to improve, things will not get better, they're only going to get worse.

As for gay men never sleep with woman PMSL. Ask me how I know that ain't true.

MumblesParty · 26/06/2023 17:46

BigRedsBalloon · 26/06/2023 13:01

If he was gay he wouldn’t be having sex with you.

Having anal sex with his wife doesn’t make him gay. Gay men want to have sex with men. A woman’s ass isn’t going to cut it for them.

Maybe he’s just not into vaginas? maybe he’s just not that into yours?

Some women don’t enjoy giving blow jobs. Are they all lesbians?

Oh my goodness, so naive!

Arabels · 26/06/2023 17:49

MentalToad · 26/06/2023 16:56

@KCandtheSunlightBand ah yes, that's v difficult. what is your ex doing?

i have the same fear. DH is happy enough going along with all of this - but i can tell he doesn't really value my opinion and doesn't really fancy me. i don't know if he used to, or if i've always been blind to it. I don't know if he fancies anyone. But yes, i think if i left indifference would turn to hate too. I tell myself no point leaving for better sex - i've had a lot of bad sex - i'm not desparate to find someone new - but i think it's the indifference that is even worse - and that is playing out in bedroom. I would say it's just that he doesn't fancy me anymore - but i've never picked up on even a hint of him finding another woman interesting or attractive. I think i used to think that was loyalty to me, but sadly think it may just be he doesn't like women very much.

Life is too short to be used as a wank sock by someone who has no regard for you as a sexual being.

Arabels · 26/06/2023 17:51

Trixiefirecracker · 26/06/2023 17:43

Page 7 and has no one yet suggested that the OP maybe ask her husband why he doesn’t want to touch her vulva/vagina. No one on here will have the answer. We can all speculate wildly about him being gay/repressed or just indifferent but our guesses are not going to help you OP.
It never ceases to amaze me that people are so intimate with one another but don’t even bother communicating about what they like/don’t like/ why something is not fulfilling them etc etc. Maybe try having a Frank discussion about your sex life to begin with?
Plus, There’s a whole heap of nonsense on this thread that I can’t even get my head round. For starters I can absolutely promise you that gay men have sex with straight women, it has happened to me.

Yeah I’d not bet on him giving enough of a shit to try to explain himself. Men like this really don’t bother with introspection, why would they-it’s another thing they can outsource to the women in their lives. And here we all are writing threads about it.

Londre · 26/06/2023 18:01

You think your husband is gay because he wants to have anal sex? Jesus weep…