Would you think my husband might be gay?

[MentalToad]

We have sex but never touches me down there or goes down on me. Totally uninterested, possibly a little disgusted by vagina!!

I try asking him and he says yeah OK but never ever does it. He also flips me over a lot and used to want to do anal a lot. But that's stopped as we got old and boring

Also he has a weird thing where he hero worships his bloke mates and is generally uninterested in women, in social situations.

Am I reading too much into it?

I briefly dated someone like this (must now be in his mid 30s, your probably not your H). After asking why he didn't bother with foreplay, he say he didn't like vaginas, certainly didn't want to go down on them, and he'd rather suck a dick... And yeah, obsessed with anal (which he didn't get, no anal without foreplay matey). It didn't last beyond that conversation. Formerly very religious. Totally closeted gay.

I couldn't tell you if your husband is gay.
I can tell you it sounds like you're very unhappy with your husband.
I am not sure this is all about sex, but for me that would be enough to start detaching completely.
🌺

People say that the opposite of love is hate.

I strongly feel that the opposite of love is indifference. 😐

Did you have to @LuckySantangelo35 ? I’ve not long eaten supper. MN used to be much classier in the old days. 😂

Gay. When i was at Uni some of the girls did the sex chat lines to get by financially, they'd say married men called up regularly they were shocked by how many

I do say in my OP that I have talked to him about it and he mumbles and says yes ok - sure - ok etc. And then it never happens. Got to the point even if he did it I'd know he was forcing himself. And that isn't good for either of us. I guess I haven't really asked him why, he denies it as a reality so we are pretty far away from him being introspective enough to know why, or tell me. What he's going to say? I find YOU gross. I find women gross. I think vaginas are gross. he won't admit those things. But yes, I will try again to talk to him.

. I don't know why I turned to MN. You don't know him, or me, but maybe to hear someone in a similar position and feel less rubbish.

With the greatest respect I honestly don’t think you will get the answers you need here. I suggest trying to talk to him again or maybe with a therapist present might help.If he is refusing to talk about it and nothing is changing, then it’s up to you to decide if you can live like that. I hope you find some answers, it sounds like you already believe that he finds your vagina repulsive, if I felt my husband thought like this I would walk away.

Glad you’re going to speak to him again, OP. « Yes, okay, » doesn’t cut it as a response. It just shut you down. You need to know what’s going on and how things can improve.

You say your dh grew up in a super religious household. I know lots of Christian men who have seriously unhealthy attitudes to sex and intimacy. Just because he's left the religion behind doesn't mean he's left the misplaced feelings of shame/ viewing parts of the body as unclean/ guilt behind and your posts suggest that more to me than anything about his sexuality. I would ask him directly, not accusing him of being gay but just about how fulfilling he finds your sex and intimacy life and how he feels about it. I'd ask him what works well for him, what isn't working for him and what he thinks is working well for you or not. And then id share that at times you feel he's uncomfortable and unwilling to perform oral on you. I'd discuss other options like could he use his hands or a vibrator on you if he doesn't want to use his mouth directly. And I'd ask how comfortable he feels talking about sex and during sex and if there's anything that would help him to open up a bit more. I'd be really careful with how you phrase things because if it is coming from a place of shame or lack of education in women's pleasure then he might withdraw even more. So I'd be inclined to tell him very enthusiastically what is working well for you so it's not completely negative. I wouldn't assume he's gay from what you've said. A lot of men are turned on by the idea of anal and doggy is a really fun position. A whole lot of men aren't open minded enough to not be grossed out by periods and discharge etc which is why we have blue liquid on sanitary pads on TV. I think you need to open up the communication with him bit by bit and if he's not making any changes then go back to him (at a neutral time so not in the moment or straight after) and say we talked about x and I noticed you didn't feel like doing that, can we talk about it because I want you to feel comfortable rather than just saying yes to appease me.

I don't know why I turned to MN. You don't know him, or me, but maybe to hear someone in a similar position and feel less rubbish

I wondered if my then husband was gay at times, for different reasons. He wasn't, he was just lazy and I now know withholding sex as a means of control. Although my situation was different, I feel for you and understand how crushed you can feel

I hope you've felt support from at least some of the replies you've had and maybe even a bit of help in understanding your own thoughts.

yeah that's it , love. Just that one detail that's given her pause...

I don't know (or care) if Jesus will be weeping, but I certainly roll my eyes at posters like you.

"I don't know why I turned to MN. You don't know him, or me, but maybe to hear someone in a similar position and feel less rubbish."

Maybe you turned to MN because we don't know him or you? Our responses won't be swayed by affection or dislike of either or you. MN can be a good sounding board, allowing you to bounce ideas off other people, and then - you can walk away from the discussion. Whereas in real life, if you started this discussion, the other party would remember it and it could affect your relationship with them. Sometimes, it's just better/safer to talk with strangers.

Because penises are so gorgeous to look at.

I think if you really look at them it's hard not to laugh.

What a thoughtful post from @WhereYouLeftIt .

Well said!

We wouldn’t be getting comments and attitudes like this if a woman was posting saying she didn’t like blow jobs or handjobs. 😂 Have you actually read anything on this forum?!

@MentalToad, I wanted to congratulate you on patiently wading through the batshit side-conversations happening all over your thread. Then I realised your marriage has probably trained you to Spartan levels of endurance 😢

Gay or no, though I can surely see why you'd consider it, the issue is that you've put up with decades of terrible sex in what sounds like a sort of twilight of a marriage, coupled but not together.

I can tell you there is no loneliness worse than that. Forget romcom fantasies of ecstatic rolls on living-room rugs with some stud as yet unmet: that could happen, but the picture I'm offering is a life of your choosing - doing what suits you, at any hour of the day or night. Keeping company chosen by you because you enjoy it, nothing more or less. Eating what you like, doing what you feel like doing, going where your fancy. Sleeping every night in your comfy bed, free of obligations and unwelcome duties.

It's not twilight yet.

Vaginas are not gross ffs

Heterosexual men are generally turned on by them

@MentalToad

I’m going to ask you a question, because this happened to me:

Does your husband hate vaginas/hate sex with all women or is it specifically you?

My ex-husband lost interest in me. But evidently, as a pilot, he fucked every flight attendant he was on duty with. I’m 5’4”, weighed 118lbs at the time and was athletic and kept myself well. I weigh 115 now. Somewhere in there, I managed to lose 190lbs of dead weight.

He just wanted strange. He couldn’t get enough of that strange. Dummy that I am, I was his third wife. How stupid am I? But he was away from home so much that it took awhile for me to catch on.

I’m so sorry. I do know that like me, you deserve better than this. I hope you can find your way out and that you get find someone who appreciates you. Actually, even being alone, you’re better off. I certainly was.
This is not the guy for you.

Could just be this, and maybe immature if he finds knickers and periods gross

My sympathies @DreamTheMoors . Been there, done that.

Probably best to remember that in threads like this you get men posing as women. The aggression and pov usually gives it away, although of course you can’t be absolutely sure.

I think a lot of the ‘change gender/if this was the other way round’ posts come from them. Often with a female orientated username too.

You can see this in a lot of MN threads nowadays.

vaginas are a bit gross

Oh do go away @Maddy70

For every girl or young woman reading this for as long as it's online, and likewise many older women who have been given the wrong messages in their lives:

No. No they are not.

Your natural vagina, vulva, body hair, breasts and the rest of your body are NOT gross, and have amazing functionality to explore and use (by you!) for pleasure, for childbirth and childrearing should you choose to, and for work, sport and play.

No man I've ever been in a relationship with, from a couple of weeks to decades long has ever said this to me or acted as though this is the case, in fact quite the opposite (even if exact preferences have differed).

(Obviously if you have concerns that you may have an infection do get that checked out, and sometimes we feel gross in the moment due to pain or mess or damage and it's okay to feel like that. I am talking about inherently, no, your body as a woman is not gross or flawed by the very fact of being a woman.)

Keep ‘em rolling. Doesn’t change how ridiculous it sounds…

Also it's a bit weird claiming vaginas are gross when the guy in question is quite happy to go up a bumhole.

he won't touch her genitals, has preference for anal, and prefers piv sex from behind.

but yeah, noooooooo chance he's gay.

Also someone talked about religoius stuff - he was bought up in an extreme religouis house even though he left all that behind.
^ this
He's probably been brought up to think sex/sexual organs are 'dirty' or shameful. He may have physically left all that behind, but not mentally. The question then becomes whether he wants to change that view, and whether you can/want to help him do that or if professional input is required.