Husband doesn't want to go on weekend away with my parents.

[Hollymayfly]

I'm recently married. I was planning to arrange a weekend away for me & my husband and my parents in the Lake District. We would stay in separate but nearby hotels.

I know my parents would really enjoy it and it would be a belated celebration for my mum's 70th birthday. It would give my parents a chance to get to know my husband better.

We'd go on walks and bike rides and have some picnics. We'd explore some cute villages. We'd also have time to do our own thing a bit.

However, my husband is very reluctant to agree to come. I think he finds my parents intense. For context, my husband is not shy and he can be sociable. My parents are nice friendly people (and can sometimes be intense!) and they see the best in people.

This makes me sad. Would others feel the same?

I'm quite surprised by these responses, does nobody actually like their parents?

DH loves my parents. As do I!

A friend who is one of 4 recently had an immediate family only weekend away. Looked brilliant avoiding stroppy teens and sulking spouses. Dh wouldn’t like that he really likes my family!

On the bright side, his refusal means that you are also off the hook for visits with his family. You can totally legitimately refuse to spend any weekends staying with them, or having them to stay with you. No Christmas obligations. This could be a winner if you play your cards right

This made me laugh! And it’s spot on.

Neither DH not I would want to go away for a weekend with any of our parents, so I can sympathise with your DH - but it obviously means a lot to you, so it’s a shame if he won’t come for a special occasion. Agree with the pp who said it could be in the way of the asking - shall we go versus please would you come with me as I’d like to mark my mum’s birthday.

Would you want to marry someone who wouldn't go to any of your family events?

Not sure why you are making scenarios up though ? What has this got to do with this thread ?
The OP hasn't said that her dh "won't go to any family events", she said he "doesn't want to go on a weekend away with her parents".

I've been married over 30 years. Get on fine with dh's parents, but I've never been away for the weekend with them. I still go to all family events though. See them probably about every 3 or 4 weeks throughout the year (was every week when the dc were little). dh never went on a weekend away with my parents when they were alive either.

Why do you need him to go? Wouldn’t your parents enjoy it just as much if it was just you (probably more)?

Pitch it to them as still very much wanting to spend time with them now you’re married.

He married you not your parents.

Spending a whole weekend with the in-laws when you can't escape and you don't know them well and find them intense is too much.

Going for a meal or spending the day with them, yes. Going on holiday with them, no.

They certainly can escape, they're planning on staying in different hotels!

It really does boggle my mind that so many of you are completely resistant to spending a weekend (at different hotels) with your inlaws/parents.

I guess you don't intend to spend much time with your own children when they're adults. They will learn from you as to how much investment is needed to parents from adult children. Which seems to be bugger-all.

Many replies seem sad to me as someone who lost both parents during Covid.

Blink and years will have passed, your parents may be old and infirm or no longer here.

If you want to do this holiday, do it, with or without DH.

You don't my in-laws.

DH wouldn't do this with his parents. Two weddings were sufficient to demonstrate this.

We didn't invite them to our wedding because of it.

A lot of people do not have happy healthy relationships with their parents/in-laws. People who do shouldn't lecture those who don't on how 'sad' it is.

Thank you everyone for the perspectives!

For context, my parents live at the other end of the UK. Some of you have suggested just meeting up for a meal, which is tricky! It's either us staying with them, them staying with us, or meeting up somewhere. And the Lake District is conveniently in between.

We've been married for 1.5 years. Parents know him but haven't spent lots of time with him.

Maybe 'intense' was the wrong word to use for my parents. They like to come up with suggestions for things to do and are proactive, but they're not overbearing. They're happy to chill and have time out.

My mum has knee problems so actually we wouldn't be going on many long walks (but I could take DH and go exploring alone with him).

I know that my parents would really enjoy it.

Agree not all of us have easy families. My mother would dictate the break. No thanks. Its not a break at all

I'm so sorry @SummerWillow for your loss. X

It does seem tight that he won't do this for you given your update. It wouldn't kill him snd it's better imo, than having people he doesn't know very well staying in his home, with no space from earth other. This would be a decent compromise.

It really does boggle my mind that so many of you are completely resistant to spending a weekend (at different hotels) with your inlaws/parents.

I guess you don't intend to spend much time with your own children when they're adults. They will learn from you as to how much investment is needed to parents from adult children. Which seems to be bugger-all

I think what matters here is that this weekend away involves a set of parents who are described as "intense" by their own child, and this weekend away is meant to be some sort of getting to know you exercise, which given the OP has said she thinks her husband finds her parents intense has an undertone of "I want to spend time with them so you should too and the more time you spend with them you're bound to like them too once you get to know them".

Personally I'd hate that with people I like, let alone people I find hard work to be around.

There's many ways to get to know people that don't involve weekends away with in laws that you find hard work.

It's great when you get on well with your in laws and they're your type of people to connect with, but for some people the best it gets is being friendly at family events and not having much more involvement than that.

@Hollymayfly

My family and my DH's family are polar opposites and it took quite a few years for us to get used to each others family dynamics.

Like you, my family live about 4 hours away so whenever we go up, it is for a few nights. We also usually stay with them. My DH has just learnt to navigate, when to smile and nod, when to go for a run or walk by himself, when to get involved etc. I do go up without him but for big events, we do make an effort to go as a family.

My MIL was consistently horrible to me. Would I have gone on a week away with her -not on your life. But even I could have managed a weekend in separate hotels once in 10 years. They havent seen enough of him to have been that unpleasant to OP's partner yet.

In that case he should go. It’s just two days. Especially if he’s hardly seen them in a year and a half. If he doesn’t do this, there will be other things later on that he won’t compromise on. Which is not good. So, I’d explain to him the logic of going that you’ve given us in your update. I don’t see how he could justify not going unless he’s working a lot of overtime and a day off is precious and needed to decompress between stressful work weeks.

I was one of the posters suggesting a day out.

But after reading this, I think he should make an effort for one weekend if your parents live far away and you don't see each other often.

*It really does boggle my mind that so many of you are completely resistant to spending a weekend (at different hotels) with your inlaws/parents.

I guess you don't intend to spend much time with your own children when they're adults. They will learn from you as to how much investment is needed to parents from adult children. Which seems to be bugger-all.*

To each their own, but I've been married for 30 years and have never even entertained the thought of vacationing with parents/in-laws. Plenty of family gatherings, BBQ's, celebrations, etc., but just find it a bit odd for adult children to vacation with their parents. (No drama, got along just fine with parents and in-laws).

Oh, and I have an adult son who I absolutely adore but can't imagine vacationing with! To me that would feel like we'd time-travelled and he was 12 years old again😂

If he's not seen them for 1.5 years and is unlikely to see much of them at all in the future, I'd have thought a weekend in the lakes in different accommodation (so he'll get plenty of time to decompress if he needs it) is the least he could do for his wife.

He might not feel the need for a relationship right now, but given that OP has said that intense isn't an understatement by any means, it's really the least he could do. They are his wife's parents, for goodness sake. She is part of them and they're important to her, as he is.

There's many ways to get to know people that don't involve weekends away with in laws that you find hard work.

He doesn't know them yet, so how can be find them hard work? And given how far away they live, there don't seem to be any ways to get to know them other than seeing them over a weekend.

This way gives him plenty of space, so pretty much perfect, given the limitations.

This makes me sad. Would others feel the same?

No, I couldn't think of anything worse, my parents our the outlaws.

saraclara
I see what you mean. I think like PP when I hear someone described as intense, it creates a certain image in my head that would not be by idea of a fun weekend, especially as one person's proactive can be another person's overbearing. My reservation would be that I became a passenger in a weekend that's driven by overbearing people making plans.

It might help if there's clearly defined boundaries and plans. For example agree in advance on the morning we might do something all together, in the afternoon we're having time as couple, then an evening meal with parents.

Then OP needs to be willing to hold the boundary and not end up falling inline with all her parents' suggestions of what to do.

just find it a bit odd for adult children to vacation with their parents.

We went on holiday with mine (separate hotels) when traveling became difficult for them. Fortunately my bloke knew what the deal was before we were married and he loved my parents. There was nothing “odd” about it.

Meh. I said up thread that I thought he should go, but after OP's update, I'm less sure. OP used word 'intense' twice in her first post, now she's backtracking fast and claiming it's the wrong word – perhaps she didn't get the response she was looking for initially! I'd want to hear examples of their 'intensity' before I jump down from the fence.