Husband doesn't want to go on weekend away with my parents.

[Hollymayfly]

I'm recently married. I was planning to arrange a weekend away for me & my husband and my parents in the Lake District. We would stay in separate but nearby hotels.

I know my parents would really enjoy it and it would be a belated celebration for my mum's 70th birthday. It would give my parents a chance to get to know my husband better.

We'd go on walks and bike rides and have some picnics. We'd explore some cute villages. We'd also have time to do our own thing a bit.

However, my husband is very reluctant to agree to come. I think he finds my parents intense. For context, my husband is not shy and he can be sociable. My parents are nice friendly people (and can sometimes be intense!) and they see the best in people.

This makes me sad. Would others feel the same?

124 replies and OP hasn't been back - you're all mad!

Dd2's dh's family are like this. I think she finds it a bit overwhelming sometimes but she knew the score before they married. They all go together at Christmas ( every other one) for a week skiing and often meet up with the in laws as part of their holiday eg on a trip to Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia they spent 4 days on a cruise with them and last year they met up in Italy and travelled with them for a few days.
Dd2 finds them very intense and her in laws are very different to us but it's only for a few days here and there.

Well I guess he has every right to refuse to go with you, and you'd have every right to refuse to do something he really wants to do further down the line, but in grown up adult relationships thats not always how things work.
My DH would do something if it made me happy, and I would do things for him to make him happy.

I think he's being unreasonable, it's only a weekend. Surely he should want to make a good impression on his in-laws. How long have you been with him OP? Whats his relationship like with his own family?

I have always found extended family holidays weird. I think they exemplify 'neediness' on both sides.

Or maybe the family members just like each other?

As I said earlier, my DDs, their partners and I have had a few short break holidays together over the years. One was even initiated by my daughter's part (now ex) partner for her birthday.

None of us are needy, we just like going away for a few days together, as well as having our own solo/couple/young family holidays. And for the upcoming break we're even sharing one property!

I must ensure that my 'sons in law' know how much I appreciate them being happy to do this. So far they've given every impression of thoroughly enjoying themselves though!

I have always found extended family holidays weird. I think they exemplify 'neediness' on both sides.

Or just families who like each other and enjoy each others’ company.

You are just married. I feel it sends the message that your husband's company somehow isn't enough for you

It doesn’t send that message at all. It’s one weekend.

Holidays aren't that often (unless you are super rich!) Plus I don't know if you want kids but if you do, you will never get that child free time back! For these reasons your husband is not BU for wanting to spend that special time with you.

It’s not a holiday. It’s a weekend. 48 hours.

@bombasticsidei "You are just married. I feel it sends the message that your husband's company somehow isn't enough for you."
Ah yes, that "cleave only unto thee and none other" vibe. If anyone ever asked me the most crap bit of advice for a married couple almost guaranteed to cause disaster it's that. Married people who abandon friends and family are screwed.

Coming from another culture, it absolutely blows my mind that spending two days of the entire year away with family could count as 'neediness' on either side.

Do you actually like your families? If there's been mistreatment of course this makes sense. But for others - when you're 70, retired, and likely seeing a lot less of busy working children (or anybody else), would you be really be icked out if your child wanted to spend a weekend to celebrate a landmark birthday, or thrilled? Would it count as 'neediness' to go away with friends for 2 days? Are siblings ok, or is it all family? 😶

If they have no children together now, they likely have a lot more child free weekends together in their future than she's going to have with her 70 year old parents, so that argument doesn't make much sense either.

Her DH shouldn't be forced to go, but I can't see why, given they're staying at separate hotels, he couldn't at least show up and come for a dinner and an outing. Even more so if the parents have in any way contributed to their wedding or other gifts.

Just a weekend? He needs to suck it up!

My MIL is intense - a conspiracy nut and loves being blunt to the point of rudeness ("people know where they stand with me, I just tell it like it is!" type of person). She sleeps on our sofa with our dogs (no spare room at the mo) usually for a week, when she comes to stay due to living overseas and not having much money. I have to put up with it because she's my MIL, it's only a week and she's my daughter's Granny.

My partner and brother don't get on, we go camping with my dad and brother (they come as a package unfortunately) for a week every year. My partner comes along because it's a family thing, I need the help with our toddler and dogs and he tries his best to keep his mouth shut over any issues with my brother.

Sometimes we just have to do things like this for our partners' sake.

I must be losing the plot in my old age. Don’t your parents already know your husband quite well, or didn’t they meet him very much whilst you were dating/before you got married?

What do you mean by the word intense? Actually what does your husband mean by that word? Impossible to say anything about your situation unless you give examples.

Generally speaking though, why does getting to know your parents have to involve a weekend away with them? Why not a dinner out with them, a short two hour visit at their home and then later, at yours, and maybe meeting for a museum and lunch, all spaced out over two or three months?

Let them all get to know each other FIRST, then you can have the weekend with them. Don’t force people together like that until they know each other a bit. You’re trying to leapfrog over the essentials. Imagine how you would feel thrown in with people for a weekend that you don’t know well. Not fun!

Obviously if it had been the OP not wanted to spend an intense weekend with her in-laws the responses would have been very different, that's the MN way, his in-laws are perfect and her in-laws are the personification of evil!

I’m really lucky as my husband loves my mum and also my dad who passed last year - we would regularly have meals out and trips and have just come back from 5 days in krakow with mum as a gift for sorting out dads estate , yes at times it is hard work but we all got along fine

I think it’s too tricky to take a view on this without more details /examples of how they are ‘intense’.

I think he should make an effort for a weekend. Whether he likes it or not he has PIL now. Life isn’t one long run of pleasing yourself all the time. It’s actually nice to please other people eg you & your DP.
Hope you haven’t made a huge mistake getting married. If your DC is showing his true colours (selfishness & me me me) so soon it’s a bad sign.
Suggest you sit down & have a chat explaining how this has made you feel. Good Luck.

This is a huge part of why it's so isolating to live in modern society. The whole 'village' thing has to cut both ways
The whole village thing doesn't have to involve family holidays with the in laws though. Plenty of people have excellent relationships with their in laws and don't go on weekends away with them.

Embracing the village approach relies on everyone involved respecting each other's boundaries and relationships in my experience.

It's very easy for people to use the village justification to steamroll their partner/spouse into a slightly emeshed or awkward relationship with their family. I've known people whose relationships have ended because one spouse hadn't cut the apron ties and everyone was too in each other's business, too in and out of each others houses and relationships and it became suffocating.

How much do you see his family?

We see DH family for 2-4 days at a time and tbh I find it quite hard, but I stick it out as DC, DH and ILs like it. We see my family little and often rather than days at a time and I think overall it probably works out as roughly the same.

You could always discuss and find a compromise like you're all away but DH has a whole day to himself.

And what if his boundaries always align with what he wants to do and no one else? Sometimes you have to put yourself out for your partner. It is two days in separate accommodation. He should grin and bear it.

I once had a week’s holiday with in -laws.
once.
😉😁😁

It's a weekend and in separate hotels so they can escape each other. It's celebrating a major birthday. If he isnt prepared to do that when newly married then he's going to get a lot more difficult in future.

I know lots of people who holiday with in-laws, some for a week or more. I wouldnt have been able to stand a week with mine. Hope the husband s not expecting any childminding, help with any children that come along or any inheritance later.

I would very much like to know a) what OP means by 'intense' and b) why they need to 'get to know her' new husband when they are presumably a fairly close family.

I cannot believe the responses on this thread… God forbid a recently married grown up adult man would have to spend a whole two days doing lovely things in the Lake District around people who were now his family! 🙄

Tell him to get a grip.

@bellac11

So you've never done anything for your OH that you don't really want to do but you know means a lot to them? e.g. family weekends, works dinners / drinks etc

Unless there's a huge backstory, it feels not much of an ask, particularly as they are in different accommodation.

This. He has 2 choices go with you or stay home. Lovely to spend some quality time with your parents whilst they are well and you can all enjoy bike riding and picnics. Your DH is being a knob because it's a weekend not 3 or 4 weeks you're asking for.

Yes I have but that was my choice, I wouldnt obligate someone else to do that.

I think if you are newly married it's a good idea to let their relationship evolve naturally - you can't force liking and affection. If you eventually have children, the bonds might form more easily then, since both parties are emotionally invested.

On the bright side, his refusal means that you are also off the hook for visits with his family. You can totally legitimately refuse to spend any weekends staying with them, or having them to stay with you. No Christmas obligations. This could be a winner if you play your cards right

On a serious note though, I would keep an eye on his attitude generally. You don't really know someone until you've been with them for long time, living together and sharing lives and obligations. Does he always put his wants ahead of yours? There are some people who will never do anything they don't really fancy doing, even when it's important to their partner. Not saying he's like this, but in most marriages I think people would suck up the occasional weekend with in-laws if it made their dp happy.