Husband doesn't want to go on weekend away with my parents.

[Hollymayfly]

I'm recently married. I was planning to arrange a weekend away for me & my husband and my parents in the Lake District. We would stay in separate but nearby hotels.

I know my parents would really enjoy it and it would be a belated celebration for my mum's 70th birthday. It would give my parents a chance to get to know my husband better.

We'd go on walks and bike rides and have some picnics. We'd explore some cute villages. We'd also have time to do our own thing a bit.

However, my husband is very reluctant to agree to come. I think he finds my parents intense. For context, my husband is not shy and he can be sociable. My parents are nice friendly people (and can sometimes be intense!) and they see the best in people.

This makes me sad. Would others feel the same?

Hard to say op. My mam is difficult so we dont get into it. So depends if people are easy going/not...

It’s really important to me to see my parents regularly and my husband knows that; he knew the deal before we got married- did yours not know this op or have you expected him to change?

I think this is an excellent summary. This would be my DH too, I know he doesn't particularly enjoy extended time with my parents because although they are nice they have absolutely nothing in common – no shared interests or hobbies, very dissimilar outlooks on life, live in different parts of the country and my parents are quite insular etc. So I wouldn't try to convince him he'd have a fantastic time.

However, he would do this holiday if I asked because he loves me.

No way would I do it . I'm with your DH on this one . 26 years I've been with my.partner and there's no way on God's gren earth I'd ever go away with his parents

Sounds like he has boundaries that he wants to stick to. Whats wrong with that?

I’m on the fence. I have ahem intense pils and it’s not joking to say I need a holiday to recover from a weekend with them. They never let up.

But they’re DH’s dps and my dc’s gps and those relationships are really important.

It’s been bloody hard work to create and maintain boundaries.

Without understanding more about this situation it’s not really possible to comment on who is BU. I wouldn’t allow any partner to cut me off from family, and I think a certain amount of sucking up is expected. But there’s also a responsibility to your partner.

God people have awful relationships with their in laws on here!

This is exactly how I'd interpret it too.

Looks of people it is strange to go on holiday with their parents/in-laws. We went camping a bit with my parents and siblings, went abroad with my MIL sometimes. It isn’t weird (though I did find it a little hard work at times with the MIL 🤣), it is a nice thing to do with them, and especially the kids/grandkids.

On the face of it, I think couples should always be dutiful with each others families.

But... it really comes back to this word 'intense'. Can you share some examples of them being intense so we can get more context?

I've been married to DH for 10 years, together for 20+. It used to really frustrate me that he didn't want to engage with family, but I've come to realise that what struck me as him being antisocial and juvenile was actually him being an introvert and genuinely finding prolonged social interactions very overwhelming and stressful. He is not an obvious introvert - he can be very outgoing and sociable, which is why I didn't read him well for a long time.

From my experience, you need to have a conversation about the level of involvement you want him to have with your parents and you really listen to him explain what he is comfortable with. Then you meet somewhere in the middle.

I see my mum and her partner a few times a year, but he only travels with me every other year. When they visit, he doesn't book leave and carries on as usual. When we are visiting them this summer, he plans some activities just for himself.

The holiday with your parents sounds fantastic, but could be very intense for your DH if it is out of his comfort zone. Could you tell him how important it is to you that you share times like this together with him and your parents, but ask him what you could do to make it easier for him if it's too much? Perhaps he could join you for only part of the stay or plan some time to himself.

To describe your own parents as intense means there 5 times worse to everyone else

@Aquamarine1029 @IncompleteSenten

Even if they are all the above, DH should still go.

It's 48hrs
They are in separate accommodation
It's a milestone birthday
We make sacrifices for the people we love

He really does need to suck it up - any decent person would

In laws, neighbours, friends...there's a large cohort who don't seem able to tolerate anyone and are only itching to reduce contact with anyone who looks sideways at them.

I agree. There’s really no wonder so many people on here have problems with their parents/PILs when they can’t even spend a weekend away with them!

The whole weekend sounds very intense. People keep saying its only 48 hours but I read the list of everything they are planning for those 48 hours and know it's not going to happen. The op describes her parents as friendly but intense i read that as don't stop talking, monopolise all conversations and don't listen to others. Do people here really think that if they are that sort of people the op and her husband will be allowed even a second of time to themselves and I don't believe the separate hotels will happen.

Its only 48 hours we need to make the most of every minute after all.

On the face of it, it doesn't seem like a huge ask and the separate hotels creates some natural distance.
I do wonder though how recently you were married and what you mean by your DP s being intense .

Why doesnt OP make the sacrifice for the one she loves, her husband and not expect him to go?

Im also wondering if she actually prefers him there so that the intensity of her parents is diluted and not all on her. Thats not fair on him.

I feel a bit sad about all these posts. I'm assuming that none of us would like our children to be saying this when they've grown up?

I do hope that my children will be able to bear a weekend away with me in the future anyway.

Fwiw OP, I think if he hasn't gone away with them before, he should at least try it before saying that he doesn't want to! I did actually holiday a couple of times with my inlaws!

This ^^

I'm with your DH . You are just recently married and you want to start having these "family weekends" with your parents who are intense ( whatever you mean by that, it sounds awful ). Back off and enjoy time with your husband instead of shoehorning your parents into the mix.

I think it depends what you mean when you say your parents can be intense. Can you give some examples?

We had a couple of holidays with my ILs and it was not enjoyable for me or DH, so we didn't attempt it again (I am glad he felt the same way!).

Maybe start smaller and do a day trip?

I wouldn't force my partner to go on holidays with my family, but I would expect him to be able to spend a day with them. So maybe that could be a solution for them to get to know each other better without staying overnight.

Also just to add, your list of activities sound a bit intense for a weekend. Maybe plan a day trip, have a walk around and nice lunch?

Picnic, bike rides, walks, villages - sounds a bit too intense for 2 days with ILs to be honest.

100% Team Dh on this one - not a snowflake’s chance in hell I’d go away with in laws or parents 😳😬😄

I have always found extended family holidays weird. I think they exemplify 'neediness' on both sides.

You are just married. I feel it sends the message that your husband's company somehow isn't enough for you.

Holidays aren't that often (unless you are super rich!) Plus I don't know if you want kids but if you do, you will never get that child free time back! For these reasons your husband is not BU for wanting to spend that special time with you.

I think that's really he sad he won't go for a weekend away for a family birthday. MN is full of people who refuse to socialise at all, with anyone. I wonder how they'll feel when their children's partners refuse to socialise with them