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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to go on weekend away with my parents.

190 replies

Hollymayfly · 25/06/2023 23:11

I'm recently married. I was planning to arrange a weekend away for me & my husband and my parents in the Lake District. We would stay in separate but nearby hotels.

I know my parents would really enjoy it and it would be a belated celebration for my mum's 70th birthday. It would give my parents a chance to get to know my husband better.

We'd go on walks and bike rides and have some picnics. We'd explore some cute villages. We'd also have time to do our own thing a bit.

However, my husband is very reluctant to agree to come. I think he finds my parents intense. For context, my husband is not shy and he can be sociable. My parents are nice friendly people (and can sometimes be intense!) and they see the best in people.

This makes me sad. Would others feel the same?

OP posts:
FarTooHotForMe · 26/06/2023 08:58

I am the ‘husband’ in this situation, don’t make a thing of this, he doesn’t want to go so accept his decision. You go OP and have a lovely time.

cptartapp · 26/06/2023 08:58

Does intense mean over involved? Maybe he's setting a precedent here as it might be something they come expect.
Are you planning a trip away with his parents?

gannett · 26/06/2023 09:01

and can sometimes be intense!

I also wonder what heavy lifting the word "intense" is doing. And it's OP, who sees her parents in the best light, using it!

I'd never go on a weekend away with any in-laws. I'd never go on a weekend away with anyone who could be described as "intense" either. Holidays and mini-breaks are only to be taken with people who are easy-going and whose company I can relax in. I have a few "intense" people in my life who I'm basically fond of but the key really is small doses and the ability to quickly remove yourself from the situation - not to trap yourself on an entire mini-break with them.

LolaSmiles · 26/06/2023 09:03

However, my husband is very reluctant to agree to come. I think he finds my parents intense. For context, my husband is not shy and he can be sociable. My parents are nice friendly people (and can sometimes be intense!) and they see the best in people
I suspect that if you as their loving child describe them as intense, your husband is likely to use different words that would mean spending a weekend with them would be an unenjoyable experience for him.

It would be unreasonable to never see them and never make an effort, but a weekend 'on' with in-laws who their child says are intense doesn't sound like most people's idea of fun.

CheeseTouch · 26/06/2023 09:07

You DH should go to a one off belated 70th birthday celebration but in general I would listen to the reasons why he’s reluctant.

Prettybutdumb · 26/06/2023 09:07

saraclara · 26/06/2023 00:23

It's OP's parent's 70th. I don't think it's twee to plan a weekend to celebrate. Surely lots of people do this?

It's separate hotels so each couple gets their alone/down time. It wouldn't kill him to do this. It's a one off for a birthday.

Show quote history

‘Belated’ celebration. Sounds like using a past birthday as an excuse to force this unwanted experience onto OH.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 26/06/2023 09:14

We'd go on walks and bike rides and have some picnics. We'd explore some cute villages. We'd also have time to do our own thing a bit.

My first though was how on earth can you fit all that into a weekend. Then the real logistics hit, are you hiring bikes or taking your own. How will you make picnics? Taking own bikes and making picnics mean self catering makes more sense. I can see this weekend changing a lot from whats suggested

Lolojojonesi · 26/06/2023 09:22

A lot of these answers are really sad. I’ve been on holiday with my parents as an adult, my adult kids come on holiday with me, and I’ve been away with my husband’s parents (and extended family) too. I like them - I know I’m lucky, but I don’t think a weekend is much to ask.

Catspyjamas17 · 26/06/2023 09:23

How about changing it slightly so you just meet up for say a walk and dinner, and otherwise do your own thing?

We go away with inlaws all the time but most days do our own thing in the day time and just have dinner with them.

User0324 · 26/06/2023 09:25

I wouldn't go on holiday with my husbands parents... And don't get me wrong, they're lovely! Would just feel a bit like being on holiday at 12 years old.

fireflyloo · 26/06/2023 09:26

I go away at least twice per year with my dh, dc and parents. My sibling usually come too. I'd be upset if my dh didn't come for the reasons you gave. We've also been away with PIL and host them several times a year at our house for 4 nights. It's give and take in a relationship.

People (on mn) seem to be a lot more selfish these days and unwilling to compromise or step out of their comfort zones. Thankfully I don't see this in real life. Everyone I know go away with their extended family.

strawberry2017 · 26/06/2023 09:29

Just send your parents away if you want to treat them, no need for you to go as well.
I'm with your husband, I wouldn't want to do this.

Tendu · 26/06/2023 09:32

What does ‘intense’ actually mean? How would someone who didn’t love them characterise the behaviour you are calling ‘intense’?

And surely, if he doesn’t know them well, starting off with dinner rather than w full-on weekend away is a better idea?

Im very fond of my PIL but would cut my own head off sooner than go away with them.

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 09:32

It's one weekend.
They are your parents.
He's a grown up.
Of course he should go.

Hollyppp · 26/06/2023 09:44

I think it’s really sad. I expect my partner to be a part of my family. My family are a huge part of my life. We have done a few family holidays before and I expect a family
holiday skiing (possibly with both sets of my divorced parents, and my husband and DC too). My husband can find my family intense but I’ve told him he can just go for a break (nap/ walk). If he opted out of wider family things I don’t think we would have a marriage

potniatheron · 26/06/2023 09:44

I think you need to recognise that your husband may not see your parents as you see them.

Your husband is not an extension of you, he is a fully formed person with his own inner life, opinions and needs.

You are recently married. If you want a long marriage then you need to sit down and listen as your husband sets out his reluctance for this trip and his reasons for it. You need to take all of that on board as his feelings are just as valid as yours. He should also be more important to you than your parents. He and the children you may have together are your future.

Once you've done that listening exercise, then you both work on a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/06/2023 09:46

I think the newly wed time is for concentrating on your relationship with your husband, not your parents.

saraclara · 26/06/2023 09:55

My in-law family was a shock to me at first. Their household was louder, busier and more intense than mine. And any visit to them involved an overnight stay.

So I carved out my own 'alone time' and would read in our bedroom etc, and once they recognised that I needed that, all was good. I'm glad I didn't just avoid them, because I ended up loving them dearly and being hugely grateful to have married into such a loving and accepting family.

My SIL's husband, who joined the family a couple of years later than me, was similarly introverted, and followed my lead. Neither of us would have refused to have a weekend away with the PILs, and actually had holidays that were significantly longer, with them.

Assuming that it's just a mismatch of personalities with in-laws, you just need to find your groove and adapt to each other. A weekend where you're in different accommodation and just meet you for periods during the day is kind of ideal.

Dozycuntlaters · 26/06/2023 10:04

To be honest, your idea of the weekend sounds very idealistic, it reminded me of the famous five books with the bike rides and picnics. Did you get married pretty quickly after meeting him then if you say its a chance for your DH to get to know your parents.

You describe your parents as intense. I imagine this means they are quite over bearing and over whelming. A weekend would be a bit much, maybe a nice day out would be better.

potniatheron · 26/06/2023 10:19

Prettybutdumb · 26/06/2023 09:07

‘Belated’ celebration. Sounds like using a past birthday as an excuse to force this unwanted experience onto OH.

Show quote history

I personally read it as, OP got married on a date proximate to mum's 70th birthday which meant that mum perhaps didn't get the big bash / attention / time she wanted. So this weekend is an attempt to make up for that, probably in an attempt by OP to please 'intense' mum who has maybe been a bit pass agg about it.

Am I along the right lines OP?

brunettemic · 26/06/2023 10:21

Nothing wrong with that at all, there’s no chance I’d agree to that with DH’s parents.

Hippydippydipchip · 26/06/2023 10:24

Couldn’t think of anything worse then going on holiday with the In-laws.

The only way I would go is if it was abroad and they paid the lot.

YouveGotAFastCar · 26/06/2023 10:34

In my experience, if the loving child describes their parents as "intense", they are really fucking hard work... so I expect he is NBU, and you are really underestimating how bad they are.

That weekend sounds fairly awful to me. Could you pick a part of it? A day spent exploring a cute village together, and then you go back to separate hotels? Does it need to be a whole charade?

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 10:40

Grown ups sometimes have to do things they wouldn't necessarily choose to do because the person they love wants them to. It is INSANE that so many people are supporting this man.

Cantstaystuckforever · 26/06/2023 10:40

Xrays · 26/06/2023 08:38

I think a lot of people in real life would suck this up and just go but Mumsnet is full of antisocial people (like me) who wouldn’t be dragged there screaming so I think your replies aren’t going to be very balanced.

Agree with this. In the real world, loads of people would do this, especially when it's around a major birthday and only for 2 days in different hotels, and there's no underlying problem with anyone's behaviour. In the real world lots of people LIVE with their in-laws.

But this is MN, where 'our own little family' tends to prevail, and people tell others why it's ok for unoffending extended family not to even see a new baby for months

This is a huge part of why it's so isolating to live in modern society. The whole 'village' thing has to cut both ways.