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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to go on weekend away with my parents.

190 replies

Hollymayfly · 25/06/2023 23:11

I'm recently married. I was planning to arrange a weekend away for me & my husband and my parents in the Lake District. We would stay in separate but nearby hotels.

I know my parents would really enjoy it and it would be a belated celebration for my mum's 70th birthday. It would give my parents a chance to get to know my husband better.

We'd go on walks and bike rides and have some picnics. We'd explore some cute villages. We'd also have time to do our own thing a bit.

However, my husband is very reluctant to agree to come. I think he finds my parents intense. For context, my husband is not shy and he can be sociable. My parents are nice friendly people (and can sometimes be intense!) and they see the best in people.

This makes me sad. Would others feel the same?

OP posts:
Betterlatethanontime · 26/06/2023 10:42

It’s disappointing, but it is what it is. Just go without him. At least you can say no to something he wants to do without feeling guilty.

bellac11 · 26/06/2023 10:45

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 26/06/2023 09:14

We'd go on walks and bike rides and have some picnics. We'd explore some cute villages. We'd also have time to do our own thing a bit.

My first though was how on earth can you fit all that into a weekend. Then the real logistics hit, are you hiring bikes or taking your own. How will you make picnics? Taking own bikes and making picnics mean self catering makes more sense. I can see this weekend changing a lot from whats suggested

I wondered that as well, its a lot in a weekend which is meant to be relaxing and having time individually.

Proudofitbabe · 26/06/2023 10:48

For me it depends on your parents. Be objective - are they what lots would consider hard work? Tbh unless they are pretty easy - and very good with your DH - I'd side with him on this, breaks away are meant to be enjoyable. Even you admit they're intense and it's your family, your incentive to go with them! What's his?

bellac11 · 26/06/2023 10:52

Cantstaystuckforever · 26/06/2023 10:40

Agree with this. In the real world, loads of people would do this, especially when it's around a major birthday and only for 2 days in different hotels, and there's no underlying problem with anyone's behaviour. In the real world lots of people LIVE with their in-laws.

But this is MN, where 'our own little family' tends to prevail, and people tell others why it's ok for unoffending extended family not to even see a new baby for months

This is a huge part of why it's so isolating to live in modern society. The whole 'village' thing has to cut both ways.

Show quote history

Has the husband said that he never wants to see OPs parents then? Never visit them, never go round for the day etc?

It doesnt have to be a choice of never seeing them or holidaying with them, there is an inbetween.

You've made a massive leap about society which is not relevant to this query, this is about going on holiday with someone that he doesnt want to be on holiday with.

TheaBrandt · 26/06/2023 10:53

I think he’s being mean. Part of being married is doing stuff like this. Spent the weekend with Dh parents didn’t love it but important to him and them. Going on holiday with them is too much but the ofd weekend you do it.

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 10:55

Personally I think he's being awkward. I wouldn't be leaping with joy at the thought but one weekend, not even staying in the same building is not that much to ask to facilitate your spouse a close relationship and happy family memories with their aging parents. I'd do it and I think he should too.

TheBerry · 26/06/2023 10:55

Boomboom22 · 25/06/2023 23:28

I'd think you are entirely mad. Did you discuss this odd expectation before marriage? Does he know you have this kind of relationship? Like friends sort of level more than usual generational meetings?

Isn’t normal to have family holidays??? I think it’s far odder not to have that kind of relationship with your parents!

mindutopia · 26/06/2023 10:56

I would not go away on a holiday with MIL and dh, sorry. It's intense enough when she comes to stay for 2 nights, but at least I'm not paying for a hotel and I can make excuses to escape and leave dh to entertain her (he mostly sulks somewhere on his phone as he doesn't want to spend time with her either). If you want time away with your parents, just book it and go on your own. Personally, it drives me nuts that any time with ILs has to be a group adventure. Dh will never just go meet MIL for lunch or a walk or a day out with the kids. Same with BIL and his partner. It has to be this big stressful family event where we all go. I expect your parents would enjoy the one-on-one time with you too.

overitunderit · 26/06/2023 10:57

The only thing that's odd about the set up is the separate hotels. Why have you arranged to stay separately?

Your DH is being selfish. I don't like my in laws either but I would go for a weekend away to make my DH happy and because it's sort of expected when you're married to someone that you might need spend time with their family.

It's heartbreaking to me to imagine my own children's husband saying something like this.

I think you have to be firm and tell DH he needs to suck it up and be nice for one weekend.

FarTooHotForMe · 26/06/2023 10:59

It's heartbreaking to me to imagine my own children's husband saying something like this

As the MIL this wouldn’t bother me one bit, I’d be more than happy to spend the weekend with a married DC on their own.

BridportSpectacular · 26/06/2023 11:00

I've been away with my in laws many times, I always try and carve out a bit of time for myself/me and DH too. We aren't joined at the hip on holiday. Been away with DH's kids (they are grown up) and their partners.

He's come away with me and my siblings.

How else do you see them?

I'd be really sad if he didn't want to do that, and he'd be sad if I said I didn't want to go away with his family . I don't always go, sometimes I leave them to it...

I think it's normal to hang out with family and in laws as a couple.

Abracadabra12345 · 26/06/2023 11:10

Hollyppp · 26/06/2023 09:44

I think it’s really sad. I expect my partner to be a part of my family. My family are a huge part of my life. We have done a few family holidays before and I expect a family
holiday skiing (possibly with both sets of my divorced parents, and my husband and DC too). My husband can find my family intense but I’ve told him he can just go for a break (nap/ walk). If he opted out of wider family things I don’t think we would have a marriage

Wow. Seems like your DH is bullied into this. Opt out and there's no marriage?

underneaththeash · 26/06/2023 11:10

I think it would be a nice thing to do as well.

Does he ever want you togo away with his own parents?

Whitakers · 26/06/2023 11:12

I think for my husband this would depend on how it was presented and ironically he'd be keener if I presented it as not being for his benefit:

  1. Would you like to come away for a weekend break with my parents? No chance.

  2. I'm arranging a weekend break with my parents to mark my mum's 70th- will you come? Sure, no problem.

He resist it as something that was supposed to be a treat for him, because it wouldn't be a treat, but he'd happily go along if it was a treat for someone else.

Hollyppp · 26/06/2023 11:12

Abracadabra12345 · 26/06/2023 11:10

Wow. Seems like your DH is bullied into this. Opt out and there's no marriage?

Show quote history

Nah not bullied into it at all. I was very open about my relationship with my family from our very first dates. It was his decision to be part of my life :) he didn’t have to continue seeing me or propose etc, his choice

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 11:14

@Abracadabra12345 "Wow. Seems like your DH is bullied into this. Opt out and there's no marriage?"

Would you want to marry someone who wouldn't go to any of your family events?

Batalax · 26/06/2023 11:15

I think it’s a bit sad that he won’t make the effort. Will you ever be expected to put yourself out for his family?

MrsJBaptiste · 26/06/2023 11:18

How come he doesn't already know your parents @Hollymayfly ?

Abracadabra12345 · 26/06/2023 11:18

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 11:14

@Abracadabra12345 "Wow. Seems like your DH is bullied into this. Opt out and there's no marriage?"

Would you want to marry someone who wouldn't go to any of your family events?

It's a lot more than "any" family events, the pp mentions extended family skiing holiday and an expectation that he comes to everything

But everyone is different and some love these sort of extended family things like holidays together while others would hate it. It also depends on what the family members are like and the logistics of extended time together

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 26/06/2023 11:28

I think it's sad he can't compromise for the sake of one weekend.

Blossomtoes · 26/06/2023 11:31

CurlewKate · 26/06/2023 09:32

It's one weekend.
They are your parents.
He's a grown up.
Of course he should go.

This. Two days out of his life. 48 hours.

Rewis · 26/06/2023 11:36

My bf would never want wo have a weekend with my family. Yes it sucks. Especially if my siblings are there with their partners. However, I've discovered that I enjoy it a lot more without him cause it just sucks to have someone who doenst really want to be there. So go with your parents and don't let him stop enjoying it! It would be great if he cake along but reluctant company just sucks.

2Rebecca · 26/06/2023 11:37

I often go and stay with my dad without my husband. I'd go on your own to the hotel with them then you can stay at the same hotel. I disagree that marriage means doing a load of stuff you don't want to just to please the other person. You fancy a weekend with your parents off you go, have a nice time.

thedancingbear · 26/06/2023 11:37

I suppose you could say this for any thread on here, but this is one where I'd be really interested to hear the OP's husband's side of it...

Puppers · 26/06/2023 11:40

I think it's pretty poor if your husband isn't willing to do something relatively insignificant like a weekend away to make you happy and support your relationship with your parents, which is obviously important to you. When you get married, you become part of someone else's family and you owe it to your spouse to involve yourself (within normal, healthy parameters).

I'd be really upset if my husband couldn't prioritise my feelings over his own in this instance. It's not like you're talking about a week away in a shared villa. It's one weekend where you have separate hotels.

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