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Original poster

38F and finding it difficult to get laid

177 replies

NeonSoda · 25/06/2023 19:32

So here's the thing.

I'm a reasonably decent person (I try my best). I have a good and secure job in a field I'm extremely passionate about (it's charitable work). I own my own house. Have a decent education (I'm working on a PhD). I look after myself and my body. I have a smattering of interesting hobbies.

I'm not the greatest looking, but I'm not bad looking, and I never struggled to get laid when I was in my late twenties, nor when I was in an open relationship which I ended last year.

I have absolutely no problems making and maintaining meaningful friendships. I get on well with my coworkers and other acquaintances in my network.
I also go on fairly regular dates. At least a couple a month, mostly from online dating apps.

But I cannot seem to turn any dates or online chats into actual sex.

Ideally, I'm looking for ongoing hookups or a casual relationship with someone my age who lives nearish.

I'm genuinely starting to wonder if guys can sense that I'm perimenopausal. 😂

Where would you start trying to fix the problem if you were me?

OP posts:
Notsurehwhattdo · 19/12/2023 21:09

Maybe lower your aspirations a bit? Younger men, in the main, will be interested in younger women / women their own age, not someone pushing 40.

What's the problem with someone your own age, why younger men?

monkina · 19/12/2023 22:03

I have to say that I think you are a male too. Everything in your style of writing and from your comments screams masculine to me. A bloke trying to get a cheap kick from masquerading as a female on Mumsnet. Sounds pathetic, I know.

Indifferentchickenwings · 19/12/2023 22:17

Careful all; this post is disingenuous… wonder how many DMs OP has got by now?

eh ! And Who cares
even if OP did (unlikely ) get a DM
how would that impact anyone anyway ?
why the need to be ‘careful’

op im 50 and also havnt struggled to get sex online
and offers of sex
I am currently single however

how are your profile pics ? Are they you at your best ? Sorry to be shallow but some makeup , hair done , hint of cleavage …
keep the profile concise and funny

try FEELD

Indifferentchickenwings · 19/12/2023 22:19

Basically sex up your profile
sorry ! You asked !

Original poster
NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:22

Notsurehwhattdo · 19/12/2023 21:09

Maybe lower your aspirations a bit? Younger men, in the main, will be interested in younger women / women their own age, not someone pushing 40.

What's the problem with someone your own age, why younger men?

I’m only interested in people my own age, not younger people.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:23

monkina · 19/12/2023 22:03

I have to say that I think you are a male too. Everything in your style of writing and from your comments screams masculine to me. A bloke trying to get a cheap kick from masquerading as a female on Mumsnet. Sounds pathetic, I know.

I think it’s really sad that in 2023 people can’t believe that a woman struggles to turn dates into sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:25

Indifferentchickenwings · 19/12/2023 22:17

Careful all; this post is disingenuous… wonder how many DMs OP has got by now?

eh ! And Who cares
even if OP did (unlikely ) get a DM
how would that impact anyone anyway ?
why the need to be ‘careful’

op im 50 and also havnt struggled to get sex online
and offers of sex
I am currently single however

how are your profile pics ? Are they you at your best ? Sorry to be shallow but some makeup , hair done , hint of cleavage …
keep the profile concise and funny

try FEELD

My profile pics are fine - I get dates pretty easily. I go on dates with new people a few times a month, mostly from Feeld (although the new version of the app has stopped that).

I don’t struggle to meet people. I struggle to turn dates into something more.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 19/12/2023 22:26

Is that because you don’t fancy them
or they don’t fancy you ?

monkina · 19/12/2023 22:27

NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:23

I think it’s really sad that in 2023 people can’t believe that a woman struggles to turn dates into sex.

Show quote history

That's not what I said. You are a man. They do still exist. I''d put money on it.

DGConsultant · 19/12/2023 22:34

@NeonSoda , It is perfectly plausible. Dating is a real trial. I reckon you're probably a woman, the username is quite feminine.

Original poster
NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:34

monkina · 19/12/2023 22:27

That's not what I said. You are a man. They do still exist. I''d put money on it.

Show quote history

I am not a man. There is nothing about me that is a man. I have never been a man. I will never be a man.

You are incorrect.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:35

Indifferentchickenwings · 19/12/2023 22:26

Is that because you don’t fancy them
or they don’t fancy you ?

I’m usually interested enough in them to want to move it along. I can’t speak for how they feel.

OP posts:
User135644 · 19/12/2023 22:38

NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:23

I think it’s really sad that in 2023 people can’t believe that a woman struggles to turn dates into sex.

Show quote history

Most men are sex obsessed and would fuck anything that moves. I really find it hard to believe any woman your age (with at least vaguely average looks) wouldn't have loads of men desperate to sleep with them.

Original poster
NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:42

User135644 · 19/12/2023 22:38

Most men are sex obsessed and would fuck anything that moves. I really find it hard to believe any woman your age (with at least vaguely average looks) wouldn't have loads of men desperate to sleep with them.

Show quote history

Well, there we are then. That solves my problems. ;-)

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 19/12/2023 22:56

I'm finding this thread a bit puzzling. It should be really easy to strike up a casual relationship. Hell, my neighbour wants one!

Try flirting a bit more on dates?

Original poster
NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:58

Tonight1 · 19/12/2023 22:56

I'm finding this thread a bit puzzling. It should be really easy to strike up a casual relationship. Hell, my neighbour wants one!

Try flirting a bit more on dates?

Well, apparently it is not really easy for everyone. ;-)

OP posts:
PansyPolly · 20/12/2023 00:41

OP

What does casual actually mean to you - meeting up twice a month, once for sex and once for dinner? Or something less? More?

Are you happy with eg dating an ENM man or woman with a nesting/primary relationship?

Original poster
NeonSoda · 20/12/2023 06:15

PansyPolly · 20/12/2023 00:41

OP

What does casual actually mean to you - meeting up twice a month, once for sex and once for dinner? Or something less? More?

Are you happy with eg dating an ENM man or woman with a nesting/primary relationship?

I am ENM and try to primarily date people who are ENM.

Casual, to me, means something fun and ongoing.

As I said - I don’t struggle to get dates. I do sometimes struggle to move them on to sex though. Although I’m more successful now generally than when I posted this thread.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 20/12/2023 06:17

LawksaMercyMissus · 25/06/2023 19:42

Totally misunderstood, thought this was your bra size!

Me too.

banjocat · 20/12/2023 07:27

NeonSoda · 25/06/2023 21:42

I'd say usually I'm not interested in following it up about 70% of the time.

I don't look different to my profile photo, no.

Show quote history

So you're going on 2 dates a month and 70% of the time you're not interested.

Let's do some maths.

That works out at about 7 or 8 dates a year with someone you are potentially interested in shagging.

Within that, they also have to be interested in you, and they also have to be interested in a casual hook up type relationship rather than a one off or a serious relationship.

Honestly, this is a numbers issue.

You're not going on enough dates.

PansyPolly · 20/12/2023 07:49

Yeah, I agree with @banjocat (though glad you are having more success now)

I asked what casual meant to you, because I am poly and I have a couple of serious relationships and a few “ongoing and fun” things - but I see my “casual” partners once every 2-3 months and I wouldn’t have time to see them any more often, as I have a family also. So it was to understand your expectations of time availability, really.

Original poster
NeonSoda · 20/12/2023 08:46

PansyPolly · 20/12/2023 07:49

Yeah, I agree with @banjocat (though glad you are having more success now)

I asked what casual meant to you, because I am poly and I have a couple of serious relationships and a few “ongoing and fun” things - but I see my “casual” partners once every 2-3 months and I wouldn’t have time to see them any more often, as I have a family also. So it was to understand your expectations of time availability, really.

I’m open to all kinds of connections really. Once every few weeks is about the max I’ll see someone generally. I have some connections I’ve been seeing for years who I see once every six or twelve months.

OP posts:
Palegreentoast · 20/12/2023 08:50

LawksaMercyMissus · 25/06/2023 19:42

Totally misunderstood, thought this was your bra size!

Me tooGrin

Tonight1 · 20/12/2023 08:50

What's ENM?

EmpressaurusOfCats · 20/12/2023 08:52

Tonight1 · 20/12/2023 08:50

What's ENM?

I googled it. Ethical non-monogamy.