38F and finding it difficult to get laid

[NeonSoda]

So here's the thing.

I'm a reasonably decent person (I try my best). I have a good and secure job in a field I'm extremely passionate about (it's charitable work). I own my own house. Have a decent education (I'm working on a PhD). I look after myself and my body. I have a smattering of interesting hobbies.

I'm not the greatest looking, but I'm not bad looking, and I never struggled to get laid when I was in my late twenties, nor when I was in an open relationship which I ended last year.

I have absolutely no problems making and maintaining meaningful friendships. I get on well with my coworkers and other acquaintances in my network.
I also go on fairly regular dates. At least a couple a month, mostly from online dating apps.

But I cannot seem to turn any dates or online chats into actual sex.

Ideally, I'm looking for ongoing hookups or a casual relationship with someone my age who lives nearish.

I'm genuinely starting to wonder if guys can sense that I'm perimenopausal. 😂

Where would you start trying to fix the problem if you were me?

I don't enjoy just meeting strangers for sex any more. I used to do that a lot - I used to be pretty active on the sex club scene in Birmingham in my twenties. But I prefer these days to start with a coffee and see how things go.

Have you tried Feeld?

Feeld was going to be My suggestion too.
Got inundated with offers and now I have met a few there who I see regularly-ish
We had a coffee/drink first and then progressed to more after a couple of dates but it was very clear that we weren't looking for a relationship

Works well!
Per above - the men with the good chat are much better!

Yup, I get most of my dates from Feeld. I have no problems getting dates, just making it to the next stage. :-)

What happens after the dates?? Do you look very different to your profile picture?
Surely the men are somewhat attracted?

I have to say one ghosted me after sex which did annoy me a lot! Hey ho

Yes, my preference is for younger men. And I do go on dates fairly regularly with younger men. But I find they are just often looking for completely different things to me (kids, moving in together, etc.).

Do you just need to do some more groundwork before the date to determine whether you are on the same wavelength?

You seem to be choosing "nice" guys
(we'll done finding them) who want a relationship not just sex.

Maybe there's a lack of genuine nice guys who are just looking for sex.... and the many men that are, are the arseholes.

I'd say usually I'm not interested in following it up about 70% of the time.

I don't look different to my profile photo, no.

I try and do fairly decent vetting first, but you can't really ask about that kind of life stuff before you've even met I don't think. Not in any meaningful way.

Yes, I only generally go out with nice guys. But that doesn't seem to transpire into either relationships or sex for me.

I can't understand this. I can only suppose you aren't making it obvious enough.
Are you treating them like a new colleague or neighbour? Becoming happy in your own skin and socially competent is 99% advantages - but it does tend to eliminate the 'tells' we scatter around when we're less sure of ourselves.

FWIW, I could never be arsed with games once I'd grown up. I just used to ask "Can I kiss you" and "Would you like to have sex?" Get that out of the way, order dessert if the answer's no

I did too!!

I just think it's a supply issue. In the sense that when I was online dating last year (I'm 45), the guys weren't generally that great. Or quite messed up/insecure. I had a really great ongoing thing with an ethically non mon guy who had been with his gf for 5 years. I've heard okCupid is good for enm.

So you are only interested in having sex with 30% of the people you date ( fair enough), .. but there is reasonable chance those people are also seeing other people, so the odds are probably stacked against you abit.

what happens with the 30% you are interested in, I assume they are not interested in you?

Two bits of advice that I quite liked were to be very individual on your profiles. Generally people think be somewhat bland or open to meeting lots of different people - however, another way to go is to not worry about putting lots of people off and just go for the few who are really interested in you exactly. Alternative advice was instead of spending time dating join a group where you have a hobby or particular interest and you might meet someone that way.

Same! I always imagined it would be easy to get laid with norks that size, so I clicked to see what it was all about...

Haha me too 😂😂

I call bullshit.

No shortage of cock my friend no matter what age

Yeah either not interested or it just fizzles out and nothing happens.

Me too !!

Me too!

It’s just a dry patch OP, I don’t think you should read into it too much!

So it wasn’t just me!

Presumably that’s Reddit phrasing? Like the growing number of people asking if they’re an arsehole.

are those the men who are looking to move in, start a family etc . ?

iy just sounds like a numbers thing really, the guys you like clearly don’t really like you that much ( for whatever reason), I’m sure it’s just a question of time

Me too!

So did I.

Ditto!!