38F and finding it difficult to get laid

[NeonSoda]

So here's the thing.

I'm a reasonably decent person (I try my best). I have a good and secure job in a field I'm extremely passionate about (it's charitable work). I own my own house. Have a decent education (I'm working on a PhD). I look after myself and my body. I have a smattering of interesting hobbies.

I'm not the greatest looking, but I'm not bad looking, and I never struggled to get laid when I was in my late twenties, nor when I was in an open relationship which I ended last year.

I have absolutely no problems making and maintaining meaningful friendships. I get on well with my coworkers and other acquaintances in my network.
I also go on fairly regular dates. At least a couple a month, mostly from online dating apps.

But I cannot seem to turn any dates or online chats into actual sex.

Ideally, I'm looking for ongoing hookups or a casual relationship with someone my age who lives nearish.

I'm genuinely starting to wonder if guys can sense that I'm perimenopausal. 😂

Where would you start trying to fix the problem if you were me?

Me too. I was all set to give bra advice..

Can someone please advise on how to find a husband? Dating apps are just awful!!

Is there no one you want to date on there? Or are all the ones you want to date players or arseholes?

I'm late to the thread OP, but it's not clear to me what happens after those dates or if you're just not making your interest clear to the 30% of dates you do like?

If you're meeting people from Feeld, there's generally a pretty clear context that you're looking for sex rather than a relationship. Do you follow up at the end of the date or afterwards, to say you're interested? Maybe even some flirtation or discussion of sex when you chat before you meet?

So did i! 😂

Me too

I’m not sure I can widen my age range anymore. I just don’t find men who are closer to 50 than 40 attractive. I’ve been out with a few before and it’s not worked for me.

Yeah of course I follow up. I send them a message to let them know I’m interested for more, and then they either don’t reply or they never manage to be pinned down for a second meet.

I’m simply not willing to rejoin swingers sites, it’s not a scene I want to be involved in, and I don’t particularly want to meet people who regularly spend time on swinging websites right now.

I think it matters to be interested in individuals, and stop focusing on a goal of sex.
contrary to what everyone seems to say, men don’t generally like to be seen as goals any more than women do-
the only ones who do, are looking for hookups, and yet you say you don’t want that.

so it sounds like you need to get clear about what you really do want. You’re saying two different things. Do you want sex from any source (get a toy then?) or do you want hookups, or do you want intimacy? Or do you want one casual partner or many?

you need to get clear, because right now, it’s very unclear. And saying “I can’t get laid” is just wildly unattractive

There's something OP isn't telling us. Dunno what.

Female friends have all OP's features & considerably more love-life handicaps (physical, lack of confidence, mental health, fussiness, etc.) & still end up with bed fellows.

I'm 51, still fairly attractive and younger looking, but I think I'm going to pack up my vagina in a suitcase and send it to a remote island somewhere. I'm not getting anywhere either and my boobs are awesome 🤩😂.

I couldn't just hook up so this is my problem. I'm out of a long,sexless marriage (my doing) but really miss having affection /sex in my life with the right person. I get dates but I either get bombarded with naughty photos afterwards or they lose interest (or, I do).

I'm in a professional job, have my own 4 bed house and do pretty well in life. Eldest at university with youngest to follow in a couple of years .

I still can't seem to get anywhere!!!!

To me it sounds like you are looking for a relationship (of some form). Which is why it’s more tricky. Especially as a lot of guys will already be settled down, or looking to settle down but want marriage and kids in your age bracket.

You’re not looking for casual hookups/NSA which is obviously much easier to find.

I assume a lot on Feeld are in the ENM(or just NM!) in your age bracket. Does that work for you or are you looking for exclusive?

Hi OP, you mention ‘guys’ and most of the replies have focused on men but (in your replies) you seem open to women and men - I’m curious whether you’ve found it any different/easier dating women? I’m a similar age and about to head into the dating scene after a long relationship - I’m bi and for some reason imagining dating women would be less difficult/fraught at my age than men but that’s probably quite naive?!

If you think that sex is the same as using a vibrator then I’ve got some news for you…

I find meeting and dating women almost impossible. There’s only one lesbian club in the UK which doesn’t help!

Women only go without sex by choice. Especially when only in 30s.

Most of the lesbian social groups I know of have had to go underground because they’re not allowed to be single-sex any more. I imagine it’s not much different for lesbian clubs of the kind you’re talking about.

So did I!!

I can assure you it isn’t a choice that I’m struggling to meet someone for mutually fun consensual sex.

Whereabouts are you located? Are you in London?

No, I’m in the West Midlands.

Honestly, don't be scared of asking younger guys out. I work with men in their 20s, and they'd think nothing of finding women in their 30s or 40s attractive. They would assume such women wouldn't be interested in them! You might find them to immature in reality, though. Good luck...

The problem is less getting any sex than getting good sex with decent men who don't see casual partners as disposable sex objects for acting out their porn fantasies. I'm in my forties now but it's depressing how the 'dating' landscape has changed. Friends who split from longterm partners particularly hate the assumption that anal is treated like a totally normal part of a 'vanilla' sex life.

It is quite common once you enter your mid to late 30's. Bloke, but It's not easy. Perhaps guys are intimidated by an intelligent woman doing a PHD, who knows? Lots of avenues to try before giving up.