38F and finding it difficult to get laid

[NeonSoda]

So here's the thing.

I'm a reasonably decent person (I try my best). I have a good and secure job in a field I'm extremely passionate about (it's charitable work). I own my own house. Have a decent education (I'm working on a PhD). I look after myself and my body. I have a smattering of interesting hobbies.

I'm not the greatest looking, but I'm not bad looking, and I never struggled to get laid when I was in my late twenties, nor when I was in an open relationship which I ended last year.

I have absolutely no problems making and maintaining meaningful friendships. I get on well with my coworkers and other acquaintances in my network.
I also go on fairly regular dates. At least a couple a month, mostly from online dating apps.

But I cannot seem to turn any dates or online chats into actual sex.

Ideally, I'm looking for ongoing hookups or a casual relationship with someone my age who lives nearish.

I'm genuinely starting to wonder if guys can sense that I'm perimenopausal. 😂

Where would you start trying to fix the problem if you were me?

Yeah that's well and good to say financially stable but does that mean fine if he has a room in a houseshare or do you need him to have his own flat? And does his flat need to be nice or ok with council tenant? What if he is between jobs but really good in bed? You're not marrying him.

Sexually attractive can be narrow as 'must be over 6ft or have hair'. My point is, you think you're being relaxed and reasonable but the hunt is showing otherwise, I always find people who say they can't find someone actually have lots of criteria some of which unreasonable. If you think I'm talking rubbish feel free to disregard my comments.

Yes, I have no problem getting dates from Feeld or elsewhere.

'Financially stable', to me, either means has a job and can afford to do things in her or his free time, or is independently wealthy. I want them to have a living situation that is foreseeable stable (house share, own home, rented flat, staying with parents or grown-up children, I don't care).

I'm pretty broad with what I find sexually attractive. I've dated and/or slept with many different women and men in my life. I prioritise people who look after their own mental and physical wellbeing.

I was thinking along these lines as well, also the following jumped out

Ideally, I'm looking for ongoing hookups or a casual relationship with someone my age who lives nearish.

I would have thought the men around that age are possibly not looking for casual any more, maybe looking for a LTR / wife / family, perhaps not with someone who has recently come out of an open relationship,

If you were into the club scene you’ll know Fab Swingers - why not join and go to one or two of the large group socials.

It’s not as tedious as running the gauntlet of Fab generally. Mostly the men have to be well verified or have met the organisers before getting a space. Everyone is there for the social side on the night, but all after the fun side afterwards.

I doubt is anything to do with your attractiveness I would have thought 🤷🏼
maybe the type of men you are attracted to want more than you are offering in terms in relationship, you said you wanted casual, are they are looking looking for that or something more serious?

I just don't really have any desire to go back into that scene, to be honest. It's not for me these days, and I find the social events very unpleasant.

It's quite possible that's the case.

'Casual' is a difficult word, I think, because it can mean so much to different people. Casual to me is something ongoing and potentially meaningful, but I'm not going to have children or get married to someone, and I seriously doubt I would move in with a woman or a man again in the future.

That’s a shame, the newer ones in Manc, Brum and Lichfield are much nicer than the socials of old I find.

But the world would be very boring if we all liked the same thing.

Hope you find what you’re after

I don't think it's unrealistic that younger men could be interested is someone in their late 30s!

My male friends were terrified of 38 year old women. They thought there would be pressure for babies. It didn't matter if the woman said she didn't want children, they didn't trust her. 38 was ticking click to them. Also, most of them wanted to be dad's, but not yet, so they looked for younger women to take the pressure off. Those that didn't want children looked for older women to take the pressure off.

'Casual' is a difficult word, I think, because it can mean so much to different people. Casual to me is something ongoing and potentially meaningful, but I'm not going to have children or get married to someone, and I seriously doubt I would move in with a woman or a man again in the future.

To most men saying you want "casual" implies you just want to be fuck-buddies...

I'm 31 this summer and have been reading a lot about men liking younger women, so I'm very much starting to feel 'over the hill' think I'm going to aim for guys like 15 or so years older,l going forward....

Of course it depends on the individual, but many men would think it was Christmas if a slightly older woman showed an interest in them. It's the confidence and self-possession men find attractive.

@NeonSoda - I never used to think that this was that common but I have been hearing about it quite a bit lately! Men going onto second marriages with younger partners,
but the ex-wives, much less so!

It kind of puts me off aiming for a relationship with someone my own age!

A lot of older women prefer to be single. Sharon stone, for example, is gorgeous and famous. She could find a partner is she wanted, but she can't be bothered.

Me too 🤣

@Hairday - I'm 31 but deffo feeling like I'm over the hill from this thread and similar 😂

Just be careful. I had the same feeling at 31, panicked, and 12 months later was married and pregnant with the nearest dude. Now I'm a suburban mother of 3.

@Hairday - I am deffo in panic mode at the moment! I am not going to have children due to health issues, but I still feel panicky about meeting someone!

I very much feel 'over the hill'

Though you've done the club scene before I think what you're after is pretty different to most at your age? Though you don't like the club scene I found fabswingers, as a site, whilst too many dick pics etc, to have also men who understood respect around casual sex, consent, etc. More so than your average man on a dating site. Most on dating sites at your age I think would be looking for either long term relationship or short term casual.

I also found it wasn't all about swinging, infact not majority, more fwb. At least that was my experience

God that sounds so grim

OP. I think widen your age criteria and maybe review how your profile comes across, get a friend to read it.

you sound fab!

And I don’t think men think enough to start musing over 38 danger-baby-territory

Above all don’t just settle - women do that all the time.

Same here