Subtle signs of an affair

[FitzFarseer]

What are the sutble signs of an affair?

Just wondering. The thought that DH was having an affair came to me out of nowhere and I have no idea why. 18 years in.

Starting arguments over absolutely nothing.

Siding the with dcs over everything we had agreed as parents before.

Being vindictive and making nasty comments about the way you look.

Longer and more frequent dog walks.

Smiling at his phone.

Mattress clinging. Sleeping as far away from you as possible.

It's horrendous.

You're puzzled as to what is going on. And then it all falls into place.

Having an affair is psychological abuse. Mental torture for the wife or husband. I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again.

It's just a feeling, and then followed up with the gaslighting that you are mad or jealous or paranoid.
Mine even suggested I get therapy for my self esteem as it was ruining the relationship!

Yes he is an ex good fucking riddance.

i don’t believe he was having an affair. And tbh I don’t care at this moment.

Also another odd thing...... During sex he would ask me to turn around, so he would be facing my back.
He explained this away as being a better position for him to climax.

Obviously now, looking back, it was probably so he wouldn't have to look at me. Nice.

Suddenly started chewing loads of chewing gum as he obvs wanted box fresh breath! Popping to the shop to get things we needed. This was a man who asked me where the tea towels were kept 18 months after we'd moved to a new house! Very out of character to do any form of house work and would go bat shit if you said oh could you pick up a few other bits while you are there please!

Very very easy, it's a tiny little thing I bought from Amazon, set it to on, and left it in the pocket in back of the driver/passenger seat. Or under the car mats at the back.
Stayed on for hours, and was voice activated so just recorded conversation, or the radio on.
Connected to my laptop and listened to the audio.

Such a skilled liar, it was literally my only way to get absolute, undeniable proof, and confirmation that I was in fact, not going crazy.

Lock code on phone that you don’t know, your intuition telling you something is not right, him starting fights or being too nice, missing your calls more frequently or changes in calling patterns, yeast infection or bacterial infection out of the blue.

@footymum99 you mean your ex abused your son. 😞

'Joined the gym' and went most evenings... yet mysteriously got fatter.

Turned out the gym was actually restaurants...

‘Having an affair is psychological abuse. Mental torture for the wife or husband. I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again.’

Absolutely agreed @BlastedPimples and it really should be discussed as a form of abuse. Some of the comments on here are heartbreaking. The level of harm done to the betrayed is on all levels.

Completely cut off emotionally, cold and pretty horrid

Never loved me, shouldn't of stayed with me this long (I was 4 months pregnant with our planned baby)

Being on their phone more and being quiet/secretive about it. Check for hidden apps and deleted messages and phone call history.
Always bringing a big gym bag to work - he did work out a lot but lo and behold he would also bring this bag to spend the day with his affair with a change of clothes etc.
Check for receipts in his wallet - I found a receipt for drinks in a hotel bar during the day at a hotel in the next city, on a day where he was apparently at work. And look at what type of drinks, in my case it was a strawberry daquiri and a coke at 1pm. He wasn't drinking a strawberry daquiri at 1pm.
Check his car - the passenger seat would sometimes be readjusted and the mirror would be down/open. I found vape cartridges and acrylic nails and long hair.
Check house cameras/ring cameras if you have any - he would leave at the same time on a certain day for an hour or so while working at home and I would be at work. Didn't obviously want the cameras and would try to turn them off.
Separate bank account - he had a separate bank account which he would use when with the OW for hotels/meals/drinks etc.
Not needing/initiating/being bothered about intimacy as obviously getting it elsewhere
Sudden interest or more interest in appearance - decided to get veneers and botox despite saying he wouldn't do stuff like that in the past. This was about 3 years into seeing the OW

Mentioning a new name.
Taking more care over appearance.
Going to bed later then usual.

So many of the same signs.
in my case my ex started going to the gym and losing weight.
constantly on his phone and wouldn’t leave it out of his sight.
suddenly got tattoos
Taking selfies of himself
Started being critical of me
started liking things he’d never previously liked.

It went on for nearly 2 years before I confronted him and he eventually admitted it.

All causing so much pain, long term damage and misery.

Long days at work - into the evening. Then not coming to bed until 1 or 2am.
Overfocus on appearance - weight loss, exercise, grooming. New, expensive shirts - when me and the kids were in supermarket clothes.

Referred to us as 'hangers on', which was nice. Smiling at his phone - and also a change of style in his messages to me, more emojis (she was younger than me). Selfies. Detachment. Not pulling his weight about the place. Condescending behaviour towards me and no time for the kids. General air and swagger about him. Oh and the mentionitis.

I knew there was something wrong but couldn't work out what - thought I was going mad. Tried asking him, talking to him, gave him support and understanding in what I thought was a mental health crisis (or poss midlife crisis).

I'd say go with your gut OP.

I can confirm what most of PP's have said, from my experiences.

Excessive phone use.
Secretive phone use. Not leaving the phone unattended. Taking phone to bathroom.
Hiding whatsapp 'last seen'
Changing their whatsapp profile pic from one of the family, to just a selfie of them.
Sudden changes to social media - removing posts about me or kids or family on social media.
Coming up with new, unexpected reasons to be late home - suddenly meetings being booked for after work, having to go into work early/late/on weekends. All of a sudden "team meetings" in the pub for a team building purpose - it was just the two of them!
Longer and more frequent dog walks
Longer and more frequent visits to a "mate in crisis" when the mate seemed absolutely fine when I bumped in to him.
Mention-itis.
Picking fights, creating fights with me. Claiming I was "nagging" all the time.
An attitude problem - swagger and arrogance like one poster mentioned.
Self care - sudden interest in clothes, aftershaves, and new underwear, and a gym membership.
A change in home routine - starting to stay up late , not coming to bed until the early hours.

Absolutely the new moves in bed..we'd been married 9 years and then suddenly boom...I knew it then.

Interesting, the vivid dreams that were mentioned,I had those, too.
Also, there is something in the air that hints all is not as it should be and projection is often evident. Isn’t it strange how often people involved in that type of betrayal will indulge in projection. All fascinating stuff, if only it wasn’t so f*ing painful for those on the receiving end.

As others have said -

• emotional distance,
• drinking more (guilt induced),

-picking fights over nothing,

• being irrationally angry
• rewriting history (e.g. well, I didn't want a second child/to get married)
• not saying "I love you too" when they always had previously
• criticising you for stupid things

It's a truly horrible experience and I hope that in your case it isn't happening.

Mood swings for no apparant reason (will be linked to whether he's heard from her, it's going well etc) distracted (thinking of her) impatient with you and picking fights (if you're 'not getting on' he feels less guilty) very chatty when coming in late, giving you loads of details as to the reason for the delay (has planned the story) answering questions like 'are you OK?' With 'why?' (Wants to know if you suspect) Asks lots of questions about your plans and whereabouts (to make sure you're at a safe distance).

Mine showed none of the usual signs. Always kept to his usual routine, didn’t work late, didn’t go out in the evenings, no change in appearance or fitness, literally covered up everything for FIVE YEARS. He didn’t work locally, so he’d just duck out of work about once a month and shag her for an hour in a hotel or her car. Never took her on a date or saw her socially, so it was really easy for him to hide it.

But my gut feeling told me something was amiss. I had no proof at all (and believe me I looked for it, so hard for a very long time). I always thought that I couldn’t leave purely based on a ‘hunch’ with zero proof. Now I wish I had.

Buying new underwear - it must have been THE only time in his life he bought new underwear without me being there.
A change in habits - started to come out of work to collect son at the end of the school day
A change in habits - telling me he was going to see a movie with a new young chap that had joined the office that he really liked . WTF?
Scratch marks on his back
Depression - crying about things and decisions he had to make
Shouting at teenage son "why is Dad always so angry?"
Having a second phone - "oh I needed another one for the office "
Printing out my messages from my PC to see what I was saying about him to friends ?? Found one page of them which had fallen down the back.
Denying it when I asked him - PRICK!