Subtle signs of an affair

[FitzFarseer]

What are the sutble signs of an affair?

Just wondering. The thought that DH was having an affair came to me out of nowhere and I have no idea why. 18 years in.

A number already mentioned plus being outraged at his privacy being invaded by his phone's ,location services. Also a sudden obsession with certain foods he had never shown an interest in before.

@HalloweenOnChristmas was it love actually? I remember going to see it with ex dh 2 months before he left and feeling devastated

It’s a change in behaviour that’s the relevant thing, if your DH always brushed his teeth before he went out fine. If he suddenly started that’s perhaps going to raise suspicion. Maybe alongside a few other subtle things and suddenly your gut is telling you something is off. That’s the way I see it anyway.

Getting his back waxed.

😂😂😂

@TurquoiseJasper tell me more about the vice recorder. How might one set one of those up?

@Copenhagener if my DH has done this I'd have gone with it!

All of the above but two ‘startle responses’ really made me think WTF?

1. children had head lice and I joked that he should check his pubes in case they’d migrated (my understanding if they are completely different type of lice, but he jumped and blanched)
2. youngest had chicken pox and I mentioned how hygiene and physical contact needed to be absolutely scrupulous to avoid spreading. He again jumped and blanched!

But mainly it was the screening out of my phone calls/messages and then doing the ‘home is the hero’ waltzing in after the children were in bed.

oh another one: doing a mad laundry day and getting everything done, delighted with my achievement, but the following morning there were 2x shirts and boxers in our bedroom basket, not one. He was showering and changing before coming home.

• phone on silent and not answering the phone for hours. Including after I gave birth to our daughter and was waiting to be discharged and even the midwives couldn’t reach him to see if he would be back or if they were admitting me for the night (he was out with the ow to ‘celebrate’!!)
• checking out of family life - telling me he didn’t think he wanted it anymore and generally sinking into some kind of depression when in the house
• being out longer rounds of golf we’re suddenly taking all day and work errands taking a lot longer than they should, sudden work ‘emergencies’
• drinking more as not being able to cope with his double life anymore
• telling me I had depression, I was nuts, it was in my head and how could I ever think he would do anything like that so clearly I was very mentally unstable and he would tell my midwife/HV and remove the children from my care
• a gut feeling you can’t shake. Follow your gut!!
• friends being off with me and having a look of pity when talking to me as they knew what was going on (they wouldn’t tell me as I was pregnant and felt they couldn’t say anything in case anything happened) it destroyed our friendships tbh it just phased out after that although I understood the difficult position they were in.

Being online on WhatsApp ALL THE TIME but not replying to my messages
Distancing himself, being snarky at me, (he’d always been so kind), bad tempered with the children
Phone never left his side, even went to the bathroom with him
‘Depression’, I was jumping through hoops worrying about his mental health and trying to make everything wonderful for him (years later this one still makes me angry)
Mentionitis at first that then stopped abruptly as the affair picked up
Very vivid dream that he was having an affair, by then my subconscious was clearly pissed off that I wasn’t cottoning on faster, I was told ‘he didn’t have time for an affair’ but no emotional reassurance
As their affair turned physical I smelt her perfume on him… GRIM

It’s a dreadful experience as your subconscious is screaming at you but you don’t want to think it’s really happening, not your man, not your safe harbour.

What I didn’t experience is changes in going out, work hours or any signs of presents or dates. What I’ve learnt his many affair partners do accept absolute scraps from the married man, so it can and does happen entirely within work hours and without ‘dates’.

There were so many with my ex. Loads of them classic looking back now.
Weight loss, new different style of clothes. Hating me, everything I did was wrong. Hated certain foods. No mentionitus cos I knew her. Due to his work he could cover very easily so didn't notice that way. When it all came out, about a million things all fell into place.

You say he is an ex.

Was he having an affair?

As the type of accusation line is also another sign. Happened to me too. He accused me of the very things he was doing.

Some men are extremely good at having affairs and you just wouldn’t know.

Yup. Some cheats seem to think their cheating is a moral act to benefit their partner, as their cheating makes them happier and therefore they become a better partner/spouse to the person they are cheating on 🙄

OP.

Your last line concerns me.

You just have a gut feel about something. True, you don't know about exactly what right now, but you have picked up something, somewhere.

Another signs of an affair are... you being made to feel you are going nuts, losing your mind, that you are making things up in your head.

You can't ask as he will deny I'm sure. Just be one step ahead for now to see if other subtle things seems out of the ordinary too.

Almost all of the above OP. And meanness. He got really mean and silky and hyper critical of me and the children. I thought he was depressed. But he's just dishonest and a coward.

*sulky

Being accused constantly of cheating by someone with an anxious attachment style is VERY different to being in a LONG term relationship of many many YEARS where there is trust, understanding, many friends of the opposite sex, no accusations being made and suddenly feeling a seismic shift in behaviour. I get the concern but I ended up gaslighting myself for months because of the possibility I was ‘accusing’ my husband unfairly.

Depression a really common one. Maybe his duck is feeling low?

What's his reasoning for going into the office more and going further to a shop?

What you're describing there is a change in behaviour regarding two separate events. There's always a change in behaviour, however subtle. You need to find possible explanations for both changes of behaviour. It might just be coincidence, i.e. that he now prefers working in the office (as he gets more done?). But if you can find a link, that would help.
It's possible that you become more paranoid during peri (I think it's recognised but not a common symptom?) but the first thing I thought when I read your question was, well, maybe, but it's a common time for men to have affairs - when their wives are going through the peri and the menopause.
By far the most subtle sign is that they kind of reframe what you say and what you do. They view the wife through a different lens.

Suddenly secretive with their mobile when they weren't previously.

Making excuses to go out alone when they had not previously.

@iceoverhills wow- your last comment about framing is bang on! That's the most gaslighting aspect. Utterly destabilising.

Well the night he stood me up because he got carried away with their after work meet up and forgot we were supposed to be going out for dinner was a giveaway.
Before that, he was very jealous and always accusing me of straying, got nitpicky with all my apparent flaws and started picking fights over nothing much. He also developed the opposite of 'mentionitis', where he would talk about other work colleagues but studiously avoid her name coming up and was visibly uncomfortable when another work friend mentioned her in conversation in front of me.

My warning would be if he starts treating you as if you're cheating. It's called projection and they can't help but do it.