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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 23/06/2023 07:38

Mad as a fish in a bush.

Maireas · 23/06/2023 07:38

alargeoneforme · 23/06/2023 07:36

I think @cuckyplunt has it.

Too much wide-eyed innocence and refusal to engage with the hoards of PP who are telling OP that this is an emotional affair, at least on his part, and inappropriate on both.

That's the point. He's also deeply attached to her.

MichelleScarn · 23/06/2023 07:38

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:12

It's not a joke I assure you. Obviously I don't know if he's actually crying (he's only said so over text) but I have heard him screaming and acting hysterical on the phone in the past

Show quote history

While with you, or on the phone?

Lira715 · 23/06/2023 07:38

It sounds like he sees you as more than a friend, aside from that his behaviour is not normal and you need to put firm boundaries in place if you choose to continue this on any level.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:38

alargeoneforme · 23/06/2023 07:36

I think @cuckyplunt has it.

Too much wide-eyed innocence and refusal to engage with the hoards of PP who are telling OP that this is an emotional affair, at least on his part, and inappropriate on both.

But aren't all friendships 'emotional affairs' then? Or just those with the opposite sex? What's the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Genuine question

OP posts:
Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:39

@MichelleScarn on the phone to me

OP posts:
StampOnTheGround · 23/06/2023 07:39

He's either mentally unwell or a pathetic man child. This friendship needs to end, that's the weirdest reaction to someone going on holiday - should be excited for you. Your life doesn't revolve around him, I'd leave him to be his wife's problem.

Devastateddaughter · 23/06/2023 07:39

Hysterical? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Simonlebonbon · 23/06/2023 07:40

@llamadrama7 this is horrid to read because it's like I'm reading about myself a few years ago.
You've assumed a daughter role, he's assumed potential lover.

I'm sorry for loss of your friendship, but as echoed by PP, not a healthy friendship, not wise to continue. Block immediately.
He sounds mentally unstable.

It's often work men/women become work husbands/wives that leads to romance but many older men will see someone younger than their DC as a work wife, not daughter.

I used to entertain this bullshit also, no family/not many friends etc but I'd rather total solitude than some of the messy situations I ended up in.

Unfortunately, some of us are as said, really naive, I was, now I'm pretty savage through experience. You'll get there 💐

Quiverer · 23/06/2023 07:42

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:12

It's not a joke I assure you. Obviously I don't know if he's actually crying (he's only said so over text) but I have heard him screaming and acting hysterical on the phone in the past

Show quote history

What has he been screaming and hysterical about in the past?

NeverThatSerious · 23/06/2023 07:42

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:23

Not sure why people don't think it's real. Is it impossible to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex of a different age?

We have known each other for years through work.

… this isn’t a friendship tho, so the above is irrelevant. You must be able to see that he has inappropriate feelings for you and that, frankly, the way you’ve been conducting yourself within this ‘friendship’ is unhealthy and also inappropriate
I consider two of my best friends to be men I used to work with. One is 45ish and one is late 50s, and I’m 29, so I’m not writing off opposite sex friendships… we just don’t act anything like this!!

MySoCalledWife · 23/06/2023 07:42

I know a guy like this, he is always close friends with a female about 30-40 years younger, I’ve know him for 15 years…. He’s on his third young female friend… it’s always pretty women, nice, who are having a hard time at work/life/emotionally

eventually the women back out as he gets too emotional/attached.

Anyway, you are being manipulated by him and his emotions

it’s not healthy

you can find better friends

saraclara · 23/06/2023 07:42

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:38

But aren't all friendships 'emotional affairs' then? Or just those with the opposite sex? What's the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Genuine question

Show quote history

An emotional affair is when someone married or in a long term partnership, sees a friend of the opposite sex as more important to them/feels more of an emotional connection to them, than to their partner, and may well see them behind their back.

The lack of sex is the only difference between that an a physical affair. The effect on their marriage is the same though.

Serena73 · 23/06/2023 07:42

This is an emotional obsession and not a normal type of friendship. For him to say all this whilst married is weird and concerning, very controlling.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:43

Lovesacake · 23/06/2023 07:36

Op why aren’t you responding to all the advice you’ve been given to back away from this friendship? What are your thoughts on that?

I have tried - I have said meeting once a week is better for example, but he comes anyway making it difficult to refuse.

I have cut down on phone calls, and keep texting on weekends to a minimum. I've tried to cool it gently

OP posts:
MySoCalledWife · 23/06/2023 07:44

Also, a man NEVER thinks he is too old for a woman.. you may think that, you think of him as a pensioner, he thinks of himself as a handsome Romeo. Facts.

Maireas · 23/06/2023 07:44

Don't cool it gently - it's not working anyway.
You're going to have to end it.

catsnhats11 · 23/06/2023 07:44

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:38

But aren't all friendships 'emotional affairs' then? Or just those with the opposite sex? What's the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Genuine question

Show quote history

It's a fine line, something you can't always pin down easily.. but a way of thinking is this, if you would want take it to a romantic/physical level but don't because of an external reason (eg the other person isn't interested or because you are married) then it's an emotional affair. It might not be for you, but for him. .?

Blueskies13 · 23/06/2023 07:44

Either he thinks of you as much more than a friend and has panicked that you are not around for him. Or there is asd traits the change in routines has sent him into panic with his wife being away as well. Whichever it is he has issues with his mental health. It is not your issue it is his

Maireas · 23/06/2023 07:45

MySoCalledWife · 23/06/2023 07:44

Also, a man NEVER thinks he is too old for a woman.. you may think that, you think of him as a pensioner, he thinks of himself as a handsome Romeo. Facts.

Very, very true.

Itsaknotat · 23/06/2023 07:45

What do you mean he comes anyway? Do you mean to your house?

TookTheBook · 23/06/2023 07:46

Don't suppose he knew your annual leave dates in advance and manipulated the situation so his wife "happened" to be away that same week?

Don't be so naive OP. Sadly this man thinks he's god's gift, he's obsessed, you are definitely not just a friend in his eyes. Move on.

toomuchlaundry · 23/06/2023 07:46

Why do you spend so much time with him, and not have more local friends of your own age?

How old is his wife?

3luckystars · 23/06/2023 07:46

Cut him loose, he is a nutter.

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/06/2023 07:47

It’s really worrying that you can’t see how incredibly off this dynamic is, OP. It sounds like the plot of an unsettling film directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.

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