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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 23/06/2023 07:14

His wife is going away for work, is he also “hysterical” over that?

Roselilly36 · 23/06/2023 07:15

OP give him a wide berth, sounds obsessive and controlling, I would speak to his wife, I am sure she must be unaware of these trips out etc, you say nothing sexual has taken place, perhaps that is why he is upset you are going away for a holiday, you have spoilt his plans! It’s a little naive the an age difference will be a factor here. Think seriously about ending this friendship, it sounds way too much. His poor wife.

Tendu · 23/06/2023 07:15

Your attitude to all this is the puzzling part of this. He sounds like he’s obsessed with you, not coping with retirement, and is petulant, anxious and set in his ways — but why on earth is someone who works FT, is presumably younger and has a life outside of this odd friendship, devoting so much time to someone this routine-bound, anxious and obsessive? Why do you usually spend your annual leave on day trips with him???

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:17

Tendu · 23/06/2023 07:15

Your attitude to all this is the puzzling part of this. He sounds like he’s obsessed with you, not coping with retirement, and is petulant, anxious and set in his ways — but why on earth is someone who works FT, is presumably younger and has a life outside of this odd friendship, devoting so much time to someone this routine-bound, anxious and obsessive? Why do you usually spend your annual leave on day trips with him???

Well I haven't had annual leave in a while, and it was only last year we went on day trips on my annual leave as there were places we both wanted to visit. I think he just assumed we would do so again this year.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 23/06/2023 07:18

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:04

No it doesn't. I mean the time with me seems to be the most fun thing in his life.

From my side I do like the things we do together - I don't have many friends (well, any, who are close by), so it has been nice to go to places I'm interested in with someone else.

People are saying I'm naive but he is a retired pensioner - plenty of people have older friends they do things with and it's usually platonic.

Show quote history

A "retired pensioner" can mean someone in their 50s, it doesn't mean old and helpless. How old are both of you?

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:19

@SwedishEdith he is in his late 60s, I'm early 30s

OP posts:
Ragwort · 23/06/2023 07:19

You sound utterly naive ... my DH is retired and I can't imagine him wanting to meet a female friend for National Trust outings and lunches twice a week Hmm unless he had an ulterior motive ... this man might not be seeking a sexual affair but he is clearly over invested in your friendship. You need to back off now.

User63847484848 · 23/06/2023 07:19

Horribly needy and selfish, does he not want you to have a nice holiday?

cuckyplunt · 23/06/2023 07:20

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:13

@cuckyplunt no I'm not.

Of course you are, this is a relationship, whether you want it to be or not.
Not convinced this whole scenario is real, seems very unlikely ;but if it is then you are having a relationship with a married man. Either own it or walk away, but stop bleating and blinking in this wide eyed fashion.

RichardsGear · 23/06/2023 07:20

Yes, people can take early retirement but 'pensioner' usually refers to those aged 65 plus.
OP - you've heard him screaming and hysterical on the phone before (assume to other people) and it hasn't put you off?!

Ragwort · 23/06/2023 07:20

What ... he's over 30 years older than you .. ! Are you totally stupid?

cuckyplunt · 23/06/2023 07:21

Bleuch!🤢

ProfessorXtra · 23/06/2023 07:21

So he has shown this hysterical behaviour before.

You know he is obsessive. You know that’s not normal friendship. And yet you continued and never created some space between you.

Did you not find it odd that the most interesting thing in a married man’s life is lunch twice a week and says out with you?

My dad is a pensioner. He is a widower, if he was meeting a woman for lunch twice a week and going day trips with her and was the most interesting thing in his life, I would assume it’s his girlfriend. And wether they actually were a couple, I would be 100% sure he had feelings for her.

This is all so strange. I do hope you draw your line in the sand and keep him to his word and not continue this friendship .

RichardsGear · 23/06/2023 07:21

FGS! 🙄This cannot be real.

Pansypotter123 · 23/06/2023 07:22

Ragwort · 23/06/2023 07:20

What ... he's over 30 years older than you .. ! Are you totally stupid?

..... his wife must be!

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:23

Not sure why people don't think it's real. Is it impossible to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex of a different age?

We have known each other for years through work.

OP posts:
KingofCats · 23/06/2023 07:23

“A friend”
lolz

own the relationship OP

Brigitteshittette · 23/06/2023 07:24

Ask his wife if he’s ok?

bibbityboppityboo · 23/06/2023 07:24

I mean you've literally posted this in relationships about it so you must consider it one?

Your replies are confusing me more - did you genuinely think meeting him during your working week for lunch several times and spending your annual leave with him was normal? I'm genuinely not trying to be rude but at your age I'm assuming you're not unaware of why a man in his 60s is in hysterics he can't visit a national trust property with you.

It's not normal at all OP - he's definitely having an emotional affair from his side, from your side potentially too.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:25

bibbityboppityboo · 23/06/2023 07:24

I mean you've literally posted this in relationships about it so you must consider it one?

Your replies are confusing me more - did you genuinely think meeting him during your working week for lunch several times and spending your annual leave with him was normal? I'm genuinely not trying to be rude but at your age I'm assuming you're not unaware of why a man in his 60s is in hysterics he can't visit a national trust property with you.

It's not normal at all OP - he's definitely having an emotional affair from his side, from your side potentially too.

A friendship is a relationship isn't it?

As I have previously said, we haven't been out on a day trip for a long time - last year as there were a few specific events taking place.

OP posts:
AsMyGranWouldSay · 23/06/2023 07:26

It just doesn't look like a "friendship" that's why.
Think maybe about why you came on here to talk about it, some part of you know this isn't right. You need to listen to that and step away I'm afraid, this won't end well.

Riverlee · 23/06/2023 07:27

It’s nice that you have found companionship with your friend, and have enjoyed activities together.

However, he has completely over reacted. Most friends would be interested in where you were going, and would wish you a happy holiday.

His reaction shows that he is selfish and thinks the world revolves around him. It’s okay to say that he would miss you that week, but not to have hysterics.

Maybe worth using this as a trigger to join a new social group - find a bookclub, join the local National trust volunteers group, ramblers, WI etc.

Farmageddon · 23/06/2023 07:28

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:04

No it doesn't. I mean the time with me seems to be the most fun thing in his life.

From my side I do like the things we do together - I don't have many friends (well, any, who are close by), so it has been nice to go to places I'm interested in with someone else.

People are saying I'm naive but he is a retired pensioner - plenty of people have older friends they do things with and it's usually platonic.

Show quote history

C'mon OP, now you're being deliberately naive...It's not that he's older, it's the fact that he's male, married, and not telling his wife that he's meeting you.
Can you really not see why that would be a problem?

I'm guessing you're liking the ego boost of this man fawning over you, or you would have put boundaries in place before now.

trulyunruly01 · 23/06/2023 07:28

Whatever either of you sees as the relationship, it has now become inappropriate and needs to be shut down asap.
I would be very careful in the coming weeks as he sounds rather unstable.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:29

AsMyGranWouldSay · 23/06/2023 07:26

It just doesn't look like a "friendship" that's why.
Think maybe about why you came on here to talk about it, some part of you know this isn't right. You need to listen to that and step away I'm afraid, this won't end well.

Maybe there is a part of me that worries about what could happen if I 'cool' the friendship. I don't want to upset him and I panic when someone gets hysterical

OP posts:
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