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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
KangaRue · 25/06/2023 00:34

Serious boundary violation. And a reaction that may point to a personality disorder. Go and enjoy your holiday! I'd suggest blocking his number (at least while you're away, as he may try to sabotage your joy; but consider blocking permanently as it likely it won't be his last reaction like this). You deserve kindness and respect.

janinak84 · 25/06/2023 07:29

This does not sound as a nice friendship. It sounds like a toxic relationship. Such behaviour is really unacceptable, especially from 'friend' who is married. Whatever you do with your time is your business and good friend would respect it.
Honestly, you should maybe tell him that such behaviour is NOT ok, and then get rid of him. Clearly, he does want to be more than a friend. If he acts like this with you, imagine how toxic he must be as a partner. Scary

Arwen720 · 25/06/2023 08:50

From another perspective, if he hasn't been romantic with you and not been giving you doe eyed long looks. He may just be an extremely needy and anxious person who has been accustomed to depending on the women in his life for support, and may be finds coping on his own difficult anyhow. Could he be on the spectrum? Either way he is being entitled, selfish and out of order. Bombarding you with texts and punishing you with emotional blackmail for wanting to have time away is not a good. I would tell him that you are free to do what you want with your leave and he shouldn't assume that you must make his life better. Go, don't contact him, let him reassess his ott reactions, and tell him he has overstepped and ask if there is other things going on with him.

Sesimbra · 25/06/2023 09:39

@llamadrama7 How are you? I imagine some of the responses have been a shock to you, but most posters are genuinely concerned that you have been manipulated by this man.

Have you taken steps to distance yourself?

Crikeyalmighty · 25/06/2023 10:49

And just to say just because you have met his wife doesn't mean she has any idea how emotionally invested he appears to be. Plenty of 60 something women married a long time would just take it as a nice friendship and nothing more and she may be unaware too exactly how much he sees you. Don't presume this is all fine by her

Stressedoutsinglemom · 25/06/2023 11:00

Seems a little weird to me. Why doesn't he take his wife out? I'm not saying men and women can't be friends but it sound like he has done serious attachment issues towards you.
You need to be clear with him that you are only friends and that though you value the friendship you have every right to have other friends and family who you want to spend time with.
I hope you sort it out.

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 11:00

I don’t think the Op has a benchmark for what a normal healthy friendship with someone her own age looks like.

I think these two are as reliant on each other

Tendu · 25/06/2023 12:11

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 11:00

I don’t think the Op has a benchmark for what a normal healthy friendship with someone her own age looks like.

I think these two are as reliant on each other

Yes, I think that much is very clear.

SallyWD · 25/06/2023 13:19

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 11:00

I don’t think the Op has a benchmark for what a normal healthy friendship with someone her own age looks like.

I think these two are as reliant on each other

I agree. I get a real sense of OP not wanting to end the friendship and somehow needing this man.

dickheed · 25/06/2023 14:50

Sesimbra · 25/06/2023 09:39

@llamadrama7 How are you? I imagine some of the responses have been a shock to you, but most posters are genuinely concerned that you have been manipulated by this man.

Have you taken steps to distance yourself?

OP has disappeared but I can answer the question for you.

Have you taken steps to distance yourself? No

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 15:44

The op will likely cancel her holiday plans

continue her lunches with this man

make no attempt to make local friends

and in 20 years time, still be WFH, no friends at all, and standing by the graveside of the man who took her life from her

Riverlee · 25/06/2023 18:17

If the friend spends so much time with op, then maybe the wife enjoys the time away from him to get on stuff, or have a break from his demands.

2bazookas · 25/06/2023 18:39

STEP BACK (several miles).

He has become very inappropriately invested in you and his crazed possessiveness is very unhealthy. Tell him so , block his number and have no further contact.

Don't wait and worry about his wife contacting you. Take the initiative, send her a written message to say you've decided to stop the lunches and spend more time with other friends.

No need to give any details; she'll read between the lines. I'm pretty sure she's been seeing some unwell behaviours from her husband too.

Biddie191 · 26/06/2023 10:22

ripplingwater · 24/06/2023 17:49

And they really think they've aged liked fine wine, when the reality is often nearer mouldy cheese

LOL, I agree! Its astonishing to me the amount of 50/60+ year old men who seem to think they are Gods gift to younger women and just cannot understand why these women arent crawling all over them. I also think the myth that men age better than women is absolute BS. Most men of this age I've met have not aged well at all compared to their female counterparts. They're balding, overweight, bloated, with horrific dress sense and yet they seem to think all these attractive, accomplished women who are 20 years + their junior would find them akin to James Bond. Obv, not all older men have aged badly but it seems to me its specifically the ones who have aged terribly that seem to be the most entitled when it comes to thinking much younger women wildly attracted to them.

I do think that the so many films - you mention James Bone - where the older men have young, gorgeous girlfriends / wives / lovers has made these older men believe that is their right. They have a lot to answer for.

MotherofGorgons · 26/06/2023 10:30

I need an update for this.

JeminaSunshine · 26/06/2023 10:36

Did you message his wife on LinkedIn?

Twosticksandstring · 26/06/2023 10:38

@MotherofGorgons · Today 10:30
I need an update for this.

You may want an update but you don't 'need' it and the OP is not obliged to give one to satisfy your curiosity.

MotherofGorgons · 26/06/2023 10:44

God, take a chill pill. Nobody is obliged to do anything on MN, let alone post.

NoFeckingClue · 26/06/2023 13:12

Guy's a tw@t. Leave well alone.

meeeeeeshel · 26/06/2023 14:17

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:42

He has said he doesn't want to be friends anymore so I've said I accept that decision and probably the best for the both of us if he gets this worked up. If he really does stop contacting me I will be relieved, but I don't think he will.

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me.

Show quote history

This part makes it really odd on your side, OP.
I'm sorry but if you suspect she will think he has feelings for you, that screams that you know it's more than just a friendship for him?! You asked about the difference between a friendship and a relationship. Most friendships don't meet up multiple times a week and have long conversations daily. Once or twice a week contact. Possibly the odd text daily but not loads and loads like you seem to be having. That's a relationship, especially in the early daysbwhen you can't get enough so you are in contact daily multiple times.

I had a friend like you years ago who would be flirty with people, she had no idea she was doing it (or maybe she did deep down and didn't care). She would meet up multiple times with them and then when they made a move, tell them how they were just friends. They would get confused and upset at the rejection as she was being flirty and the level of contact suggested relationship not friendship. She would be confused why they reacted that way. I definitely think this is your set up, he has thought more of it than you.

Back away and for future reference, friendships don't have this level of contact. This is relationship level.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/06/2023 14:34

LookItsMeAgain · 23/06/2023 08:22

This story brings to mind the other thread I read on MN where a woman was working for an elderly gentleman (except he wasn't anything close to being a gentleman) when she realised that she needed to establish healthy boundaries and couldn't work out how to tell him that she needed to finish working for him. She was cataloguing his books or something. Does anyone else remember that thread?

The thread I'm talking about here was where a woman was working for a widower and he wouldn't leave her alone, but the writing style is very similar as is the reluctance to do much about the man's overbearing involvement in the OP's respective lives. I generally don't go in for trying to find similarities but to me they both appear very very similar.

Peanutlatte · 26/06/2023 18:38

CanOfGerms · 23/06/2023 06:55

Keep away from this weirdo.

+1

MetalFences · 26/06/2023 23:24

JeminaSunshine · 26/06/2023 10:36

Did you message his wife on LinkedIn?

The answer to this was given on Friday.

Coulditreallybe · 08/11/2023 10:55

Hope you’re ok and went on the holiday @llamadrama7 !

ThanksItHasPockets · 08/11/2023 11:09

I know this is a zombie thread but I found it really disturbing. I hope you are OK and have been able to disentangle yourself from this man, @llamadrama7.