Friend is hysterical over my holiday

[llamadrama7]

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

Damn right, it's not healthy! Uneasy has said it very simply.

Don't change your plans - in fact, although you didn't realise it this holiday has been a Godsend because it has caused him to reveal his real self to you

Without realising it, you have become enmeshed in his very unhealthy fantasy of the depth of the relationship. Now you've seen the danger you can back off.

He's given you an out by breaking your friendship - grab it with both hands! Block him. Don't respond to any overtures, even if he does an about-turn.

Obviously you will miss the friendship - but it wasn't what you thought it was - you've been living in a different relationship to what you thought.

Enjoy your holiday with your relatives. I'm sure you'll have a great time.

It always baffles me how MNers get themselves into this kind of situation.

I think perhaps you’ve assumed a “safety” in the age difference. As other people have said, to you he’s old enough to be your father but men, on the whole, don’t think in the same way. From his side it’s an affair (even if he hasn’t thought of it like this), and an ego boost that a woman 30 years younger spends so much time with him.

Unfortunately this probably isn’t a relationship that you can just cool. You need to end it.

@Quiverer perceived 'risks' for example if I go for walks in the evening or on longer drives. He has lost some friends and family in the past due to rare accidents so I think that may be why.

He has also been hysterical over a past friendship I had with another former colleague who he disliked.

Then please make sure he does not k ow where you are going on this holiday ad he will likely turn up there too.

Maybe talk to the person youbare going away with- get their take on this set up.

I adored my boss when I was in my 30s and he was in his 50s. He was the kindest man I’d ever met. We did keep up a friendship after he retired, we met in the pub every 6 weeks or so to talk about work and how much he adored his children and eventually, grandchildren. Often another colleague joined us.
He came to my wedding and I went to his funeral, I still sent Christmas cards to his wife.
This is a normal relationship with an ex colleague I think?

OP ...What would YOU advise your daughter or best friend to do in this situation? Would YOU think it was ok and healthy for them?

I know it looks like that but for me I'm in the centre of it and it's happened gradually over a few years.

Well, none of my friends cry and scream when I go on holiday, for start. And they're not my only friend and nor am I theirs, and I'm not the main thing in their lives. And I see them now and then, sometimes a couple of times a week, sometimes I'll go a month or more and neither of us are getting upset if the other is busy or prioritising something else for a bit. What you are describing is not a healthy friendship.

You're very naive if you think it's only friendship just because he's 30 years older than you. I've had friendships with older people but often with older men it eventually became apparent they were hoping for one thing, and I backed right off. Men often look for someone way, way younger than them if they think they can get it, and delude themselves. You need to be very very careful. This isn't friendship, this is obsession.

You need to listen to everyone on here saying the same thing before it ends very badly for you. Go on holiday and distance yourself.

Op get yourself a boyfriend pronto. Explain to your mate how you have less time/ money/ inclination. Then you wave him off ( reminding him he’s got a wife to be with).

Massive red flags here, OP. Listen to what people are saying.

To my village

^This

You have to agree surely that the friendship is now over? He's crossed a massive line.

@llamadrama7 you really do have to end this friendship now. The more you tell us, the worse it is. He's given you an out, so please use the message that I quoted earlier, which keeps it very simple and polite, while making it clear that the friendship is over.

And yes, warn his wife that you are worried about his mental health as he's been acting oddly.

I agree with pp. You need to walk away.
Completely.

He's now reached the stage of feeling entitled to your company and attention.

It's only going to get worse.

Op - why aren’t you blocking this mans number?
The sooner you remove him from your life, the sooner you’ll find a space for a friend more mentally stable, suitable.
I urge you to end all contact with this person. It’s unhealthy on both sides.

@MathsandStats - spot on, it's an obsession
.

I am worried about what he will do if I just disappear entirely. In case he harms himself or something.

Please send him something like this in reply to his mountain of text messages:

Hi Wierdo (he is so he had better own it),
After receiving X number of texts from you following my letting you know that I will be going on holiday soon, I think it's best to re-evaluate our friendship. I do not think it is best for us to rely on each other so heavily or meet so frequently. So this is me telling you that I'm cooling our friendship. Should I want to meet again when I get back, I will contact you at that point. Please do not contact me again. Your outburst has alarmed me and I'm very uncomfortable with it. I wish you and Y all the best for your retirement.
@llamadrama7 "

OP, you are the problem here.

I don't mean that unkindly, but you are focused on his inappropriate behaviour and not your own.

A friend is acting very strangely over you doing something very obviously normal - going away for some annual leave. And your reaction SHOULD be: woah. I have gained a stalker who wants to control my life and demands all of my attention. Run! Block all contact. Never speak again.

But your OP does not read as though you understand the situation. Kindly meant, do you struggle with reading people and relationships?

Does he like Italy? There's a poster on mn who could take him to historical chapels in Rome, sounds they'd get along.

Here we go. Emotional control. You've got to end this and get advice and support.

He’s manipulating you. That’s completely inappropriate. You need to set some boundaries and make them clear.

That is, to be completely honest with you, absolutely none of your concern.

Back away...NOW.

I imagine his DW is happy to facilitate your friendship because it saves her from having to deal with his histrionics. I mean, I assume he freaks out every time she goes away on business because of his many fears – or does he just reserve his worry for you?