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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 23/06/2023 07:29

Interesting username! Guess it’s apt mmm?

romdowa · 23/06/2023 07:29

Sorry op but the whole friendship sounds off . Do you have problems with socialising and understanding social norms? It's very unusual for a woman in their 30s not to see the red flags here.
Now that you've recognised that his interest in you isn't normal , you need to block him and seek other friendships which are healthy and with people your own age.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:30

@Farmageddon it's not an ego boost for me at all. I've always had older friends (both sexes) and usually find them easier to get on with - friends my age want to go out for drinks rather than museums etc, whereas older people want to have conversations that are more in my interests.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 23/06/2023 07:31

Does his wife have any idea that he's seeing you so regularly?

Mother87 · 23/06/2023 07:32

Sorry - that did make me laaarf @bibbityboppityboo - the idea of being in "hysterics" at not being able to visit a National Trust propertyGrin

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:32

Riverlee · 23/06/2023 07:27

It’s nice that you have found companionship with your friend, and have enjoyed activities together.

However, he has completely over reacted. Most friends would be interested in where you were going, and would wish you a happy holiday.

His reaction shows that he is selfish and thinks the world revolves around him. It’s okay to say that he would miss you that week, but not to have hysterics.

Maybe worth using this as a trigger to join a new social group - find a bookclub, join the local National trust volunteers group, ramblers, WI etc.

I have been trying to and I've even joined apps to try and make more friendships. So far i haven't had much luck beyond a few messages.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 23/06/2023 07:32

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:30

@Farmageddon it's not an ego boost for me at all. I've always had older friends (both sexes) and usually find them easier to get on with - friends my age want to go out for drinks rather than museums etc, whereas older people want to have conversations that are more in my interests.

But why would would keep meeting him knowing that his wife doesn't know? Surely that would make you feel uncomfortable, and that he maybe had ulterior motives...

Let me ask you, if you were married and you found out that your husband was meeting up regularly with a younger women in secret, would you be ok with this?

LakeTiticaca · 23/06/2023 07:32

Block this wierdo and keep your doors and windows locked at all times. He sounds very unstable

catsnhats11 · 23/06/2023 07:32

Woah I assumed he was late 60s/ 70 and you were late 50s or early 60s. OP please step back from this man. You said you became friends when you went through a tough time a few years ago, sound like he took advantage and has ramped things up. Focus on making friends your own age, I know wfh full time can be isolating but this friendship/ relationship isn't healthy. Don't bow to his emotional blackmail.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:32

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/06/2023 07:31

Does his wife have any idea that he's seeing you so regularly?

Yes she knows and I have met them together too.

OP posts:
WisherWood · 23/06/2023 07:33

He worries about everyday things and potential risks - driving, walking in the evening etc. I think this is due to trauma, as he's had a few family members and friends who have died in rare accidents.

Given some of the stuff you've said about him, I'd be worried about the one common denominator in all these rare, freaky accidental deaths. Back away. Slowly if you can but very quickly if need be. He will try to stalk and harass you. He's doing it already.

SunsetBeauregarde · 23/06/2023 07:33

Right, let’s pretend you never mentioned your ages and the post was about ‘my male friend is in hysterics because I’m going away for the week’ - the advice here doesn’t change. He thinks this relationship is more than it is with a 30 year age gap or without it.

LimeCheesecake · 23/06/2023 07:33

Perhaps this needs to be the wake up call to pull right back from this friendship.

you are single and don’t get on well with a lot of people your age, but by being with him so much you aren’t being forced to find someone who shares your interests.

ProfessorXtra · 23/06/2023 07:34

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:23

Not sure why people don't think it's real. Is it impossible to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex of a different age?

We have known each other for years through work.

Because it’s completely bizarre that you know of this friends hysterical behaviour and have not spotted his obsession with you.

You first post suggest it’s all come out of the blue. It hasn’t. You know there’s something not right with him. You know he considers you the most interesting thing in his life.

Most people would completely back away. The level of naïveté you are trying to portray is really odd. This level of naïveté usually comes from people who are our and our lying. Or pretending they just didn’t see the waving red flags, because it suited them at the time.

I had a male friend who would string women along. Never give them quite enough for it to be a relationship. But just enough, it stepped beyond friends. Then when it usually blew up into some drama would pretend ‘I though we were just friends…I never promised anything etc’

CrunchyCarrot · 23/06/2023 07:35

What a pity your friend has escalated things in this (totally unnecessary) way. It does sound like he has become emotionally dependent on you. It's not on using emotional blackmail to try to get his way! Of course you cannot give it to it. I hope you're not reconsidering going on your holiday, if you don't go that will only make him worse as he will realise he can manipulate you.

I think there's good cause to considerably cool off that friendship. I'd be saying 'I'm sorry you feel this way but I am going on my holiday'. Then don't reply to any further messages, or even block him for the time being.

catsnhats11 · 23/06/2023 07:35

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:30

@Farmageddon it's not an ego boost for me at all. I've always had older friends (both sexes) and usually find them easier to get on with - friends my age want to go out for drinks rather than museums etc, whereas older people want to have conversations that are more in my interests.

There will be younger people out there who share your interests, what about volunteering at the NT or similar. Also try meet up apps where you actually go out and do stuff, walking, theatre or whatever, might be easier to make friends that way through seeing them in real life than messaging.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:35

SunsetBeauregarde · 23/06/2023 07:33

Right, let’s pretend you never mentioned your ages and the post was about ‘my male friend is in hysterics because I’m going away for the week’ - the advice here doesn’t change. He thinks this relationship is more than it is with a 30 year age gap or without it.

I guess I'm wondering if his age is a factor - out of loneliness due to retirement maybe.

I have wondered in the past if he is suffering from some issues (early onset dementia or similar) as he can get very confused about things and act out of character in sudden bursts.

OP posts:
DoubleTime · 23/06/2023 07:36

This is way too much ! You are allowed to decide how to spend your annual leave - you weren't cutting him off or saying you wouldn't meet up/do things another time.
I wonder what his DP would make of this if she knew? He has put you in a difficult position because now you probably want to back off a bit but will be concerned what sort of drama he will make of that.
Just stay calm, steadfast about your holiday plans, and that you can catch up with him another time, but if he chooses to end the friendship you will respect his decision (and hope like anything that he does !)

OhFGSwhatTFnow · 23/06/2023 07:36

Good lord there some judgy and presumptuous comments on here!

@llamadrama7 I have a friend who is twenty years older than me who I met at work (albeit same sex)…it’s really not that weird!

This chap sounds very like my mum, lonely and also with a background of trauma. She used to get quite hysterical and overly anxious about me doing things.

It’s easy to forget that a lot of older, retired people literally had all their social outlets taken away from them during the pandemic which is bound to leave some feeling very alone and exacerbate this kind of behaviour.

You need strong boundaries here. I would give him space and see if contacts you. If the friendship does resume, less availability and definitely not a routine as older people really rely on that kind of thing and it can throw them very off kilter when you change things.

It is of course entirely possible that he sees you in a different way to how you see him…which is a whole other ballgame, but I guess will just mean stepping away and shutting it down a lot faster.

Lovesacake · 23/06/2023 07:36

Op why aren’t you responding to all the advice you’ve been given to back away from this friendship? What are your thoughts on that?

alargeoneforme · 23/06/2023 07:36

I think @cuckyplunt has it.

Too much wide-eyed innocence and refusal to engage with the hoards of PP who are telling OP that this is an emotional affair, at least on his part, and inappropriate on both.

Farmageddon · 23/06/2023 07:36

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:32

Yes she knows and I have met them together too.

Show quote history

Apologies, I misread and thought his wife didn't know he was meeting you, which would have been weird.
Either way, it's clear that this guy has more than friendship in mind, so it's best to just distance yourself from him.

saraclara · 23/06/2023 07:37

SimonsCow · 23/06/2023 07:12

You need to shut this down right now. It’s odd, obsessive behaviour. A quick message saying ‘I have really enjoyed your company but the way your behaviour has escalated because I’m going on holiday for a week suggests that this is not a healthy friendship. I wish you all the best but do not contact me again’

I think that's a good message.

I understand your worry about how he might react though. Do you live nearby? I think a ring doorbell might be useful.

I'd also be tempted to tell his wife that you're concerned about him as you've been getting some very odd and tearful messages from him..

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:37

@catsnhats11 I tried volunteering at the NT, but unfortunately it didn't work out as I found I was alone most of the time doing quite boring tasks.

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 23/06/2023 07:37

Do not miss the opportunity to go on holiday. This man needs some hobbies! He has become far too reliant upon you and if he was a real friend, he would be delighted that you’re having a holiday. I would say to him that his attitude is proving too much for you and if he’s like this if you have a ‘week off’ then it’s not healthy for either of you. It’s your annual leave and he could always ask his wife to take some leave and they could go out for the day together. I have friends that are 30 years older than me and I could see them both together, or individually and it’s not that intense.