Friend is hysterical over my holiday

[llamadrama7]

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

@llamadrama7

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me.

FFS! As @dickheed and a bunch of others have said, so WHAT if his wife finds out he's a creepy controlling unhinged weirdo. She needs to know this!!!

As a few posters have said - you're becoming hard work now. Are you enjoying the drama or something?!

Sadly, this

Oh gosh I'm in my 60s and still have trouble with this kind of shit.

I think if you're wired up this way, it's hard to shake off.

Something to do with expectations set in childhood, I'm sure. I like to blame the parents anyway 😜

Perhaps use this experience as a springboard for you getting some local friends through joining a class / hobby.

because to be in your early thirties, have no friends locally, live alone, and work from home full time, and not have been on holiday for 8 years.. sounds like a very very lonely existence

What has Morgan Freeman done? 😅

I missed whether he was the OP’s boss in the past or a peer?

Well done contacting his wife OP. Pass the burden onto her and walk away.

And remember, he has double the life experience you do. He knows how to get real help if he genuinely wanted it. Instead he’s playing games.

He’s no relation to you. He has people who should be his first port of call for support, and it’s not you. Not your job.

Guarantee he was the absolute odd bod of the office and everyone kept their distance.

I am also guessing OP that you didn’t enjoy your colleagues company aside from him much either?

No I got on well with my colleagues, which he used to criticise me for because he didn't like them

No he wasn't my boss

Oh God, even then there were red flags. Sounds like he was possessive and controlling then too

So this behaviour is far from a shock to you.

OP, do you think you have got in to this situation because you are very lonely?

How old were you when you worked together?

Were you both senior, middle or junior?

@Jazzappledelish I was early - mid 20ish and junior, he was senior to me but not my boss

This is absolutely bizarre. Surely you can see this needs to end OP? You are not friends. You are basically the carer of a mentally unwell man. Screaming, hysterical crying, threatening suicide and self harm, manipulation and blaming, guilt tripping, trying to isolate you. It's abusive. Do you not find it odd that his wife couldn't give a shit that her husband is obsessed with a much younger women to the extent he can't function if she has other friends or goes on holiday? It's stepping rapidly into stalker territory (if its not there already) and you need to stop this immediately. If he comes to your house or won't leave you alone you need to call the police. I wouldn't bother trying to sort him out via his wife either, she doesn't care her husband is obsessed with another women, I hardly think she will care about anything else you have to say (or be able to stop him).

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

OMG unhinged. He sounds scary TBH.

So this isn't new behaviour? I hope you will now spot red flags much, much sooner in the future.

Total Svengali situation.
The bit about him saying he can take you on longer trips when his wife is not around is so creepy.

So for a decade, a decade, you have been enduring this friendship.

FGS OP get out there and make some local friends!!!

All that time and energy dedicated to him when you are a young woman. Does it not occur to you that you are single with no local friends because of your friendship with him?

OP have you ever been a relationship?

Has this "pseudo-relationship" prevented you from meeting someone?

I suggested this multiple times and asked outright twice

the OP determinedly ignores, which I suspect sadly gives us the answer

Would also explain the naivety and the inability to a) see what is going on and b) know what action to take.

Fucked his granddaughter's mate, I think.