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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
formulaonecar · 23/06/2023 14:16

If you are as genuinely concerned about his mental state as you say you are, then why havent you told his wife about this? She is the one who is best placed to call for help for him via his GP if he is having some kind of mental breakdown, not you. You arent a therapist or a psychiatrist. All this hand wringing about his mental health is futile because you arent actually helping him are you? for him to get actual help you need to inform either his wife, the police, or adult social care. and let the professionals help him.

BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 14:16

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:03

@BookLover7777 I may have been dependent at one time, but now not so much and that seems to upset him.

I am worried about his mental state though

What about what he's doing to your mental state with his manipulation and suicide threats? You have got to put yourself first. Please contact his wife now and let her know what he's said and that he's gone for a drive while hysterical. I do think he's bluffing, but if he's not, she needs to know NOW that he might harm himself. Whatever guilt you're feeling now (which you shouldn't) will be nothing compared to if he follows through on his threat. So tell his wife, absolve yourself of the responsibility and get on with your life without him in it.

SallyWD · 23/06/2023 14:25

OP is incredibly passive. I think it's very clear she has no intention of telling his wife and no intention of ending the friendship.
OP - on nearly every post you say you're worried about his mental health and what he might do. If you genuinely are, why aren't you talking to his wife about it? This is the first thing I'd do if I cared about a friend.

stallonesbicep · 23/06/2023 14:31

SallyWD · 23/06/2023 14:25

OP is incredibly passive. I think it's very clear she has no intention of telling his wife and no intention of ending the friendship.
OP - on nearly every post you say you're worried about his mental health and what he might do. If you genuinely are, why aren't you talking to his wife about it? This is the first thing I'd do if I cared about a friend.

I agree. At this point I am beginning to wonder if they were having an emotional affair as if a close friend was having an obvious mental breakdown and threatening to harm themselves most people would be telling his next of kin immediately. They wouldnt be saying over and over they were worried about him and yet at the same time doing absolutely nothing. I suspect there is more to this story.

MojoDaysxx · 23/06/2023 14:32

He has an unhealthy response. Perhaps, he views the relationship, as romantic?
Anyways, who want a controlling man around them?
Plus, don't forget the wife. She deserves to not have a relationship or an emotional relationship going on behind her back.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:35

I don't have his wife's number - we have met a number of times but never exchanged numbers.

OP posts:
catsnhats11 · 23/06/2023 14:36

BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 14:00

Of course you can! I'm starting to think you don't want to pull away and that you are as much dependent on him as he is on you.

Show quote history

Either this isn't real or if it is you need to get a grip OP!! And I mean that in a nice way. Literally every person on this thread is saying the same thing and you don't seem to be taking it in. Of course you can block him in real life, take control of your life!! You're young and you sound nice and intelligent, yet your life revolves around some mad old manipulative bloke!! It can be better than this.

If you are worried about him (fair enough) then inform his wife of your concerns (she probably already knows) and then leave him to it.

As for him saying he wont get in touch and the friendship over, oh no - he will be back, if you let him, you can be sure of that.

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder about your username.... I cant understand how someone could be so passive in this situation.

Alcemeg · 23/06/2023 14:39

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:35

I don't have his wife's number - we have met a number of times but never exchanged numbers.

Well, hurraaaaaaaah.

That was your one possibility of doing something responsible on his behalf.

Instead, you just have to walk away and leave him to it.

Enjoy your freedom from this nutcase!

MarigoldGlove · 23/06/2023 14:39

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:35

I don't have his wife's number - we have met a number of times but never exchanged numbers.

Then there is no need to worry what to say to her if she asks why you are no longer friends.

SallyWD · 23/06/2023 14:40

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:35

I don't have his wife's number - we have met a number of times but never exchanged numbers.

In this day and age you can easily contact her - social media? Or send a letter to their address?

BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 14:42

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:35

I don't have his wife's number - we have met a number of times but never exchanged numbers.

Do you know where she works? Can you try to track down that way? You've got to do something. Stop being so passive.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:43

@SallyWD she doesn't have social media. I think there's a chance she would get my number off his phone and message me though if something was up

OP posts:
ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 14:43

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:35

I don't have his wife's number - we have met a number of times but never exchanged numbers.

Call the police then, if you think he's going to end up dead in a ditch somewhere whilst driving. There is something rather disingenuous about you saying you are so very worried about him and yet you refuse to do anything about it. Did something happen between you two when you were working together?

saraclara · 23/06/2023 14:44

You know where she lives, for goodness' sake!

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2023 14:45

How old are you again?

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:49

I've found her on LinkedIn. I've messaged and asked for her number.

OP posts:
BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 14:53

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:49

I've found her on LinkedIn. I've messaged and asked for her number.

Well done!

BansheeofInisherin · 23/06/2023 14:56

Btw, you are so wrong that people in their 30s do not want to go to historical places or gardens. I am going away tomorrow with a friend who is barely 30, and I am 51. There are plenty of normal, balanced people out there who will go with you. You don't have to hang on to this nutter.

ChaToilLeam · 23/06/2023 14:56

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:49

I've found her on LinkedIn. I've messaged and asked for her number.

Good. Just tell her what’s going on and leave it with her.

Then block him! And you absolutely can block him in real life. You have a door, don’t you?

After all this is over, and you’ve had a lovely holiday, it would be a good idea to get some support in becoming more assertive. This man has stomped all over your boundaries, do please ensure that can’t happen again.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/06/2023 14:58

I'm glad you've contacted him
His reaction just shows how manipulative he is
He is now trying to emotionally blackmail you, so you relent on your decision
Do NOT be swayed, stand firm

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/06/2023 15:02

Oh and obviously if he turns up you don't engage in anyway
If you feel threatened at all call the police... and stop worrying about his Mental Health... He has a wife

readbooksdrinktea · 23/06/2023 15:03

I am worried about his state of mind tbh, as this seems so insane to me that he could get this worked up.

He's fine, OP. He's just a manipulative bastard who can't deal with losing control over you and is ramping things up to make you feel bad.

Don't. Go an enjoy your holiday and the rest of your life away from this madness. If the wife replies to you tell her how unhinged he has become.

formulaonecar · 23/06/2023 15:03

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:49

I've found her on LinkedIn. I've messaged and asked for her number.

Well done OP- hand this all over to her and then block him. Hopefully he'll get the help he needs and you can live your life free of this stressful nonsense.

Dozycuntlaters · 23/06/2023 15:04

Why are you making this so complicated? He has a wife to worry about him, and if he is heading for a breakdown there is no way she won't have noticed. Just stop engaging with him, block him and be done with it. Personally I don't think he is heading for a breakdown, I think he is obsessed with you, senses you pulling away and is getting desperate and manipulating the situation because he knows what buttons to press to get your attention. Just ignore him, he's being an utter dick.

Simonlebonbon · 23/06/2023 15:11

@llamadrama7 you need to listen to these women OP, they're telling you what to do here and it's the only shit that'll work.
Also, men threaten to kill themselves to trap women loads.
It's happened in my friendship group to almost all of us. My favourite response to one abusive ExH was, "die quietly", he's still alive, 5 years later.
Because the it's said in a desperate temper to keep us obedient, I have absolutely fuck all concern about these men.
I save my concern for those struggling with life, not struggling to control women.

Come on drama, this is time to make changes!

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