Friend is hysterical over my holiday

[llamadrama7]

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

What do you mean you can’t block him in real life? Are you worried he will turn up at your house and start shouting? Just call the police.

You have tried letting him down gently, slowly pulling away, and it isn’t working.

All you can do is block him properly and mean it. I don’t understand why his wife is now being contacted either. Hasn’t the woman suffered enough being married to this Wankbadger?

Toughen up OP.

Hmm this sounds more than just him fancying you?

The only people who have ever responded like this towards me are two friends I have who both have Borderline Personality Disorder, in which I think any perceived rejection can feel like the end of the world

My ex husband said he would kill himself if I left him. He is still here 13 unlucky years later.

It's attention-seeking bollocks.

OP, it is very odd that you are being so passive about someone who could well become a danger to you. You need to end this relationship and mean it.

He's being very manipulative, you can see that can't you?

My ex husband said he would kill himself if I left him. He is still here 13 unlucky years later

It's attention-seeking bollocks

Yeah, my ex was constantly going to kill himself. 10 years on since I first met him and he's had another girlfriend since me who also kicked him out and he still hasn't killed himself.

Manipulative and attention-seeking

Respectfully, if you can’t see that this person is clearly in love with you then you’re blind. This is an absurd reaction. Maybe you should tell his wife about this behaviour. Weirdo

Yes it starts a bit younger. I'm an older woman that has gone to a couple of classes that are more likely to attract younger women (because I enjoy them, not to meet anyone I hasten to add!): ecstatic dance, Latin dance type things. The number of older men (late 40s-early 60s) that turn up as if they're Brad Pitt and make a beeline for any younger women, it's really quite gross. They're certainly not interested in chatting or dancing with any of the women their own age, let alone older than them. And the women tend to be early 20s-early 30s, so very much younger.

@llamadrama7 was the colleague he didn’t like male by any chance?

If you are genuinely worried about his MH, call the police and request a welfare check. They can act to protect him if it’s genuine. If not, it will stop him pulling stunts like this because he will know that your boundaries are serious.

Tell the wife, before he re-writes history and turns it around as you harassing him.

We have to do this very occasionally at work. The Police have always been very good about it.

@Bananarepublic I actually stopped going to a salsa class for exactly that reason- and I'm 61- it made me feel sick to watch

Llama drama? I think the screen handle is revealing.

Who in the hell has time for this nonsense?

I think you should send him a text saying 'never contact me again'

Then if he persists the police will be able to see you asked him not to contact you and can intervene.

His well being is not your concern.

I'm sorry OP, but for fuck's sake, why do so many women invest so much emotionally in friendships where the man clearly has feelings for them, either sexual or romantic. The risk of this happening is so high. I wonder what his wife made of your friendship. Imagine she was either uncomfortable about it or relieved.

Bless you. You seem like someone who had a tough time, met someone who perhaps was there for you and never anticipated it would turn into what it has. I think we need more mercy here on MN. I've always been turned off posting anything here because replies are often so brutal and judgemental. I think go away and get some you time (as you work hard and deserve it). Have a good think about what you want to do next regarding this man. You still have options other than cutting him off. You could also have a chat about placing boundaries in your friendship to ensure that going forward its healthy. His wife may not have said anything yet but who know how she feels in all this too. I hope you really enjoy your time away (make sure you do go as wouldn't want to have regrets when back to work and it's all full on). I hope you find your way!

Because when you're in that situation without prior experience , it seems so ridiculous that a 60+ year old could genuinely think that he had a chance with you when you're 30 years younger , that you take the friendship on face value.

Yes. I think from a young, somewhat naive point of view, women in these situations see it as a sort of fatherly relationship. Whereas men just don't have those kind qualms. And they really think they've aged liked fine wine, when the reality is often nearer mouldy cheese. So the men think they're in with a chance. And I guess both sides judge it by their own standards, hence the utter miscommunication.

To be fair this was a 30 year old who had no local friends, WFH, lived alone, not in a relationship, and was meeting him a few times a week for lunch.

It wasn’t exactly out of the realms of possibility

It’s so bloody annoying that nice things like this are spoilt for us by creepy leching men.

And they really think they've aged liked fine wine, when the reality is often nearer mouldy cheese

LOL, I agree! Its astonishing to me the amount of 50/60+ year old men who seem to think they are Gods gift to younger women and just cannot understand why these women arent crawling all over them. I also think the myth that men age better than women is absolute BS. Most men of this age I've met have not aged well at all compared to their female counterparts. They're balding, overweight, bloated, with horrific dress sense and yet they seem to think all these attractive, accomplished women who are 20 years + their junior would find them akin to James Bond. Obv, not all older men have aged badly but it seems to me its specifically the ones who have aged terribly that seem to be the most entitled when it comes to thinking much younger women wildly attracted to them.

@ripplingwater you are so right!! One reason I've stayed married despite a very rocky period 6 years ago - I know full well after being married to someone in that age range who is pretty good for his age, interesting well paid job, clever, dresses well and isn't bald - that I would find very slim pickings if I was on my own and would I think have to be prepared to be on my own

Whereas despite his faults - he would be inundated with attractive forty somethings (I'm 61)

Men who age well beyond 55 are pretty few and far between in my opinion - but so many seem to think they are hot property to an attractive younger woman- the only usual attraction I've seen in those instances are if they are loaded

He thinks he owns you. Or... did he and his wife ever have children, or have they lost a child? Maybe he is treating you like a daughter, but not in a healthy way. He seems to think he can tell you how to live your life, but panics when you won't comply.

Very odd.

be relieved he doesn’t want to be friends anymore! Run for the hills and don’t look back, then block him immediately !!!

I have read the posts so far and to me it sounds very much like he saw a vulnerable young girl in need of support and friends and started to groom you.
When you are in this situation it is really hard to think that your friend would do or say anything to hurt you but this really seems like abuse.
Please look up what grooming and emotional abuse (gaslighting) is and see if some of his behaviour falls within this.

Please seek support from your family.
I assume with you being on mumsnet that you have a child, there is lots of apps to make friends with others who have children in your local area. One is mush and another is peanut.

Please take care of yourself and put your safety and happiness first