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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
dickheed · 23/06/2023 13:41

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:39

Sadly this is true. To be honest I have been worried about upsetting him for a long time, but worried about his reaction if I block. I have tried to slowly distance myself instead but it hasn't worked.

Show quote history

I don't know why you are putting up with this.
Call his wife and say you are concerned about him.
Then block him.
If he shows up at yours tell him to go away, call the police if he starts making a scene.

stallonesbicep · 23/06/2023 13:42

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:39

Sadly this is true. To be honest I have been worried about upsetting him for a long time, but worried about his reaction if I block. I have tried to slowly distance myself instead but it hasn't worked.

Show quote history

Right- but he was quite happy to upset you wasnt he? calling your relative a loser and making veiled threats about harming himself.

Please tell us you're going to block him now as this is really quite concerning and I wouldnt put it past him to turn up at your house. Please be careful OP- this could easily escalate. You need to protect youself.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:42

RichardsGear · 23/06/2023 13:39

OK, so now you're going to do it though?

He has said he doesn't want to be friends anymore so I've said I accept that decision and probably the best for the both of us if he gets this worked up. If he really does stop contacting me I will be relieved, but I don't think he will.

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me.

OP posts:
IcedBananas · 23/06/2023 13:44

God OP you’re starting to become hard work here. 100s messages here saying block and ignore him and you’re still engaging with this drama. He’s incapable of making adult decisions are you equally incapable or are you going to step up and be the adult here?

ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 13:44

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me

Why the fck not? tell her the truth. This is all on him not you. I dont understand why you are acting like he has full control in this situation and its baffling me. BLOCK HIM.

PollyAmour · 23/06/2023 13:44

He sounds dangerously obsessed.

SallyWD · 23/06/2023 13:47

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:21

I told him I am going on the holiday and I am not comfortable with how he seems to own me and the reaction was even worse than I imagined. I said I have to have a life and do things I want to do, I won't ask permission.

He started shouting and crying, and said I should treat him better after everything he has done for me (ie. Meeting me and chatting with me, having the friendship with me and being my only friend of sorts). He was very insulting about my family member and asked why I would want to go away with such a loser. He then said he was going for a drive and he doesn't know how he will be able to think straight now, and I have 'killed' him emotionally.

I am worried about his state of mind tbh, as this seems so insane to me that he could get this worked up.

Stop worrying about him. Does he worry about you when he's hysterically saying you can't go on holiday with a relative, slagging off your family and threatening suicide? He cares only for himself. Stop being Florence Nightingale. You look after yourself and stop worrying about this lunatic. He's married, his wife can deal with him (or leave him if she has any sense)
Why on earth do you value this ridiculous, toxic friendship? Because you have someone to visit historical sights with?! I'd rather go alone or make other friends.
I've always had lots of male friends (older, younger, same age) and they've never behaved like this. If I told them I was going on holiday they'd say "have fun" like any sane person would.

ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 13:47

If he really does stop contacting me I will be relieved, but I don't think he will

So you arent going to block him then? I mean, I'm sorry but I'm not really sure what you want us to say then. Frankly, you seem to want to keep this going from what you've said.

BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 13:48

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me.

Stop being so naive! Of course he has feelings and has done all along, that's why he's reacting like this. And you can absolutely tell her he's scaring you and you should, right now. Message her and tell her what's happened.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 23/06/2023 13:49

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:42

He has said he doesn't want to be friends anymore so I've said I accept that decision and probably the best for the both of us if he gets this worked up. If he really does stop contacting me I will be relieved, but I don't think he will.

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me.

Show quote history

Well, yes, she would think he has feelings for you. As would anybody - his behaviour is that of a controlling, jealous lover.

And once she knows that, then she can make decisions about how to handle her marriage.

What you need to do is make it very clear to him that you won’t be seeing him again. His welfare is not your responsibility. Then, when you are off the scene, the two of them can do what they want. And you won’t be a factor, as you shouldn’t be.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:51

ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 13:47

If he really does stop contacting me I will be relieved, but I don't think he will

So you arent going to block him then? I mean, I'm sorry but I'm not really sure what you want us to say then. Frankly, you seem to want to keep this going from what you've said.

I can block on technology but I can't block in real life

OP posts:
Kilopascal · 23/06/2023 13:51

To his wife: ‘Hi Laura, is Graham ok, do you know? I mentioned I’m off on holiday soon and he went all melodramatic about ruining his life because I won’t be around for lunch. Thought I should mention it as he seemed genuinely distraught about the change of routine.’

To your ex-friend: ‘Get a grip, Graham, I’m off to Scotland with Alice, not shark baiting in the Bermudas. I’ll be fine.’

jellyminelli · 23/06/2023 13:52

"If he really does stop contacting me I will be relieved, but I don't think he will.

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me."

Why haven't you blocked him? It's the easiest thing in the world. And yes, if his wife asks you then tell her.

"Steve and I used to meet for coffee occasionally and that was nice but then his behaviour changed towards me. He started to frighten me and was domineering and controlling. The final straw was when I said I was going on holiday and he went fucking ballistic, screaming and crying and blowing up my phone. So I blocked him and we are no longer friends".

ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 13:53

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:51

I can block on technology but I can't block in real life

Show quote history

Block him on your phone and if he turns up to your house call the police. At this point it has become harassment and honestly, you dont have to just accept this. Explain factually to his wife what has happened and then its up to her to decide how to proceed. Their relationship shouldnt involve you any more.

jellyminelli · 23/06/2023 13:53

"I can block on technology but I can't block in real life"

Yes you can. You tell him to go away, don't open the door and if he persists you report hm to the police.

Solonomi · 23/06/2023 13:55

Good, he’s very manipulatively said he doesn’t want to be friends anymore so do not under any circumstances engage with him ever again on any level.

He’s NOT a friend, he’s an utterly selfish, self absorbed, controlling arch manipulator. Borderline abusive and unhinged. How dare he be rude about your family member? The man is a grade A* arsehole.

You are worth so much more than this hideously unhealthy ‘friendship’.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 23/06/2023 13:56

Kilopascal · 23/06/2023 13:51

To his wife: ‘Hi Laura, is Graham ok, do you know? I mentioned I’m off on holiday soon and he went all melodramatic about ruining his life because I won’t be around for lunch. Thought I should mention it as he seemed genuinely distraught about the change of routine.’

To your ex-friend: ‘Get a grip, Graham, I’m off to Scotland with Alice, not shark baiting in the Bermudas. I’ll be fine.’

Send both of these OP, then turn off your phone and go and do something in the sunshine that will make you feel free and happy 🙂💫

formulaonecar · 23/06/2023 13:56

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:51

I can block on technology but I can't block in real life

Show quote history

Of course you can- you dont open the door to him. Are you saying he'll force his way in? Call the police if so. You absolutely can block someone in real life if they are pestering you and harassing you.

BookLover7777 · 23/06/2023 14:00

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 13:51

I can block on technology but I can't block in real life

Show quote history

Of course you can! I'm starting to think you don't want to pull away and that you are as much dependent on him as he is on you.

dickheed · 23/06/2023 14:01

If he really does stop contacting me I will be relieved, but I don't think he will
Why are you being so passive? This is absolutely ridiculous. You don't wait around in the hope he will stop contacting you. You fucking block him and that's the end of it. If he shows up at your place you don't answer the door or you shout from a window to tell him to go away and any concerns about his behaviour escalating you call the police.
I wonder though if you've made all this up for drama because these threads which go on and on and the OP never seems to want to accept the simple solution of BLOCKING THE FUCKER usually turn out to be a load of bullshit.

It would be awkward if his wife asks why we are no longer friends. I can hardly say to her that he's acting controlling and scaring me can I? Well I could but it would be a difficult conversation as she would think he has feelings for me

So what if she thinks that? It's his fucking problem. He's the asshole here. You can tell her that his behaviour concerned you when you said you were going on holiday and that you thought she should know and that you're ending the friendship because you feel uncomfortable.

Lookingoutside · 23/06/2023 14:03

MichelleScarn · 23/06/2023 07:54

Does he like Italy? There's a poster on mn who could take him to historical chapels in Rome, sounds they'd get along.

😂😂😂😂😂

That’s me in tears for the rest of the day.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 14:03

@BookLover7777 I may have been dependent at one time, but now not so much and that seems to upset him.

I am worried about his mental state though

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 23/06/2023 14:05

You feel responsible for his feelings and welfare. this is why this pitiful situation has dragged on. I'm similarly wired, and can completely relate. Try to learn indifference. Fake it till you make it. His shitty life is not your concern. Look after your own happiness OP, and leave him to look after his. He makes a shit job of it, but that is literally not your problem or your fault.

RandomMess · 23/06/2023 14:08

I would contact his wife tbh.

Just message something like I'm not sure what is going on with X but he seems to think he owns me or something and having a breakdown because I am going away on holiday and not having days out with him instead. I won't be seeing him for lunch again after his recent behaviour as it feels like he is stalking me. Hope you get him the help he needs he seemed to imply he was going to commit suicide.

Then block both!

PlainOldEmmaJane · 23/06/2023 14:11

Please stop worrying about him op. He’s really not your problem. As others have said, ask the police to do a welfare check, or advise his wife about this whole bizarre turn and ask her to check on him.

If this is his genuine response to you merely planning a trip (rather than him trying to manipulate you, which I’m guessing is far more likely the truth) then he needs intervention. And that is not for you to be organising/helping with, he needs to do it himself. Leave him to the professionals and his wife, and block him on your phone/email. If he turns up at your home then advise him he needs to leave, or you will call the police. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind as the saying goes.