Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell daughter about her abusive dad?

234 replies

21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 07:40

I’m in two minds what to do about this. Daughter who is 8 has started seeing her dad after court ordered no contact due to abuse and having to complete courses.

He has moved on and has another relationship and a baby very quickly. Daughter says and it appears he’s a changed man and not treating his partner how he did me. To be honest I don’t care, I’m just happy to no longer be with him.

What is getting me is he is behaving like Disney dad on steroids. When we were together he did nothing with our daughter. He has had a personality replacement. The thing is he is re-writing history. He is telling our daughter lies about our relationship. He was extremely cruel and abusive towards me (and every women before me). Instead of being truthful he is literally making it all up. Do I tell her the truth in an age appropriate way? He is so Disney that he looks like an angel and his girlfriend is also doing a lot for him. He tells her it was me who stopped him seeing her when it was a court, he says to her how he is a hero and he fought so hard. The truth was he drank and smoked drugs and had to pass tests. If he is a changed person then that’s really great for her going forward. But why lie about the past and make me out to be to blame? He was so so cruel. Why not be honest and say I was cruel but I’ve done a lot of soul searching etc…. Or is he still abusing me as he knows she will come home and tell me his lies. It’s like that decade just didn’t happen to him, he was awful and aggressive, threw things at me, threatened me. I ended up with life long health issues from the stress and the fear.

Or do I say nothing and let her think her dad is everything he says he is, but then he is blaming me and lying and looking like a hero???

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 22/06/2023 08:44

Yes, tell her.

”Well, Dad might be being nice to her but he wasn’t nice to me. “ Etc.

In a few years you can expand upon it a bit.

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 09:35

I just want her to know there is never an excuse for treating another so badly. He has moved on but I developed a life long health issue, autoimmune from the constant state of stress and fear I lived in. The way we treat others matters as when we move on people are left with the consequences. We can’t just white wash and pretend we never did the things we did.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 09:41

"Daughter who is 8 has started seeing her dad after court ordered no contact due to abuse and having to complete courses".

Why is she seeing her dad at all?. Did the court believe that he is a changed man after merely doing some courses?. I ask only as you have not expanded further on this point.

She also needs to be told that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and that women are not rehab centres for such badly raised men.

She needs to be given the age appropriate truth about her father. He is manipulating her just as surely as you were manipulated and otherwise abused by him. Also he is using her to get back at you as "punishment" for you leaving him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 09:43

In an abuser's eyes its never their fault, always someone else's. He likely told you that you drove him to do what he did to you. Like many abusers as well he is continuing to abuse you and now using your DD to do so. He has not changed an iota; they can only keep up the facade for so long and his mask has likely slipped already. He certainly remains volatile.

I would also contact Womens Aid re this matter also.

LittleOwl153 · 22/06/2023 09:47

I would give her an age appropriate trust. I would also document everything she is saying about what he's telling her. Sadly he will turn on her at somepoint and you will then have the evidence to go back to court and prevent it - hopefully!

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 09:47

@AttilaTheMeerkat unfortunately yes they do believe he has gained the insight he needs. That’s what I want her to know, that this happens and that we are not responsible for the way others treat us.

She triggered me because she says she feels sorry for daddy because he didn’t get to see her for so long. He has been telling her how he fought for her against everyone who tried to keep them apart. She says she wants to make it up. But that is not her responsibility. He should be telling her the truth about why he was unable to see her. I don’t see the problem in saying I did this but I’ve changed. It was not mummy who stopped me seeing you. Mummy was protecting you because I was not safe then but I am now. He is completely painting over it all, he is a liar. We suffer the consequences of our actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 09:49

It’s like he’s hit reset and had a complete personality transplant. Which if he has changed is great but it doesn’t change what he did, he should be honest but he’s using it to manipulate her.

OP posts:
eatingaburgerinthesun · 22/06/2023 09:55

It's a very hard place for you to be in to know what the correct thing to do is. I have the same situation with my sons dad. However, in the last few years the mask has slipped and he's starting to do little things. I have never told my son about what happened during the relationship but I will say when something happens. That wasn't right or fair just so
My son knows his dads behaviour isn't acceptable.

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 10:01

@eatingaburgerinthesun its awful. I don’t want to effect the relationship with her dad. But I don’t want him lying and manipulating her either. He shouldn’t be making her feel sorry for him. It’s his particular pattern. His new partner I’ve heard him say at court was his saviour, she has helped him out of a hole etc etc. It’s not other people’s responsibility to fix him. It’s certainly not our daughters. I hate that he’s painting himself to be the hero.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/06/2023 10:03

You're both putting an awful lot on an 8 year old.

She needs to feel loved and protected and involving her in your tit for tat is wholly wrong.

You can correct her (him) in a vague way and say no it wasn't quite like that.

Honestly be the adult here. Even if he is not.

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 10:06

@AhNowTed does that include being manipulated? Do I just let it go and let him manipulate her? When she grows up she will think this is acceptable, in relationships we manipulate people and we can treat people badly and it’s ok as we can just lie as we have no consequences. I am torn.

OP posts:
eatingaburgerinthesun · 22/06/2023 10:07

It's just so hard, this kind of man thinks he can behave the way he wants in relationships/ with his children regardless of how it effects other people. Then when he decides he a different person everyone just has to believe that regardless of what he's done and how his actions hurt other people. I totally understand how you feel (as i have been in the same situation). There is no right or wrong way for you to deal with the situation. Have you got proof everything he did? Only because this type of person won't believe they did anything wrong.

AhNowTed · 22/06/2023 10:13

21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 10:06

@AhNowTed does that include being manipulated? Do I just let it go and let him manipulate her? When she grows up she will think this is acceptable, in relationships we manipulate people and we can treat people badly and it’s ok as we can just lie as we have no consequences. I am torn.

The mask will drop and she'll realise when she's older, but she is way too young for this.

She needs to feel loved by as many people in her life as possible.

You can't involve her in your relationship, making her piggy in the middle which just makes her feel insecure.

Let it go, it's the right thing to do.

AhNowTed · 22/06/2023 10:16

Yes, he is a childish c*unt for laying this on his young child, all the more reason for you to be the adult here.

I get it's tough, honestly.

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 10:16

@AhNowTed I don’t want to but she is being made responsible because of the manipulation for making his life better. I don’t want her thinking she has to make it up to him and that it was solely his fault and not hers. She is being brainwashed and that will have a lifelong impact won’t it.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/06/2023 10:18

Reassure her that none of this is her fault.

But bad mouthing her dad is awful for a child.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 10:30

I'm sorry for what you went through, OP. And you are in a horrible situation right now but I'm another one who thinks that 8 is far too young to be burdening DD with all the details.
However, I think your mind is already made up that you're going to tell her something. My advice would be to maybe get some counselling and this might help you come up with a way to introduce the subject in an age-appropriate way, making sure she understands that it's OK for her love her dad and have a relationship with him, that you fully support this and will never make her feel guilty about it.

When your DD is older you, if you feel the need, you will have all the court papers to prove it was the court who ordered the non-contact and courses etc.

And just a thought, If you ever reported your ex to police, if he was ever charged and convicted, and if you think she doesn't know the full extent of the abuse you suffered and is wearing rose-tinted glasses, you could always suggest to his new wife to apply for Clare's law disclosure.

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 10:59

It’s so difficult because he is subtly turning her against me. Instead of saying what happened he is saying that he fought for her and mummy tried to stop him and he’s her knight in shining armour and he’ll never let her go etc etc. She comes home form contact crying for him because he is a hero and he couldn’t see her and mummy shouldn’t have done that to him. In his eyes he’s very clearly fine nothing wrong. He told me via voicemail which I still had from many years back that he would make sure that new his truth. He was found guilty at court the fault is all on him.

OP posts:
Nell80 · 22/06/2023 11:10

AhNowTed · 22/06/2023 10:13

The mask will drop and she'll realise when she's older, but she is way too young for this.

She needs to feel loved by as many people in her life as possible.

You can't involve her in your relationship, making her piggy in the middle which just makes her feel insecure.

Let it go, it's the right thing to do.

Show quote history

100000000% this. It's not your place to tell your child now when she is 8. She need a secure attachment to big parents. You also cannot end up being accused of parental alienation, that would be very bad for you all. You have to let this go. She will figure it out when she is older. I feel for you, it's so hard, but you have to let this go OP otherwise it will consume you. Don't give him the pleasure.

Nell80 · 22/06/2023 11:10

Sorry - she needs a secure attachment to both parents, not big parents!

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 11:14

@Nell80 how can she have a secure attachment when her father is an abuser and manipulating her. One who tells her her mummy stopped me seeing you, I did nothing wrong I’m the hero. That is impacting her view of me and it’s a lie. If I say nothing she will forever blame me and not have the truth. He should say nothing but he shouldn’t lie.

OP posts:
Nell80 · 22/06/2023 11:33

21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 11:14

@Nell80 how can she have a secure attachment when her father is an abuser and manipulating her. One who tells her her mummy stopped me seeing you, I did nothing wrong I’m the hero. That is impacting her view of me and it’s a lie. If I say nothing she will forever blame me and not have the truth. He should say nothing but he shouldn’t lie.

You need to take a step back. This isn't about you being a hero or not. It's about making sure you don't end up in a whole heap of hassle you can do without. If you turn your DD against your ex he can accuse you of parental alienation. Don't go there. You're hurting and angry now, but that would be so much worse. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's so hard. Wishing you all the best and hope you can find a way through that works for you and DD.

Original poster
21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 11:39

@Nell80 sorry he’s saying he’s the hero. I just tried my best to keep her safe that’s all, I’m no hero. I don’t want to turn her against him at all. I just want her to have a truth and not a lie. I also know just how believable and manipulative he is and I don’t want to go that low. God I just wish I could get away from him. He is just so toxic and insidious. Every contact visit they clinging and crying at the doorstep making a big song and dance, it’s so sickening. Then she crying over him and how she feels bad for him. Arghhhhh

OP posts:
Carryonkeepinggoing · 22/06/2023 12:08

I think she does need age appropriate truth. Take yourself out of the story if he’s casting you as the villain and put the family court judge back in as the decision maker about what was safe for her.
So no, nasty mummy didn’t stop you seeing daddy. Daddy wasn’t being nice to mummy and he wasn’t looking after himself very well. A judge at the family court decided you shouldn’t see him until he could show he was able to look after himself and you. He fought hard to prove he could do that and the judge decided you could see him again.

Maxiedog123 · 22/06/2023 12:27

Carryonkeepinggoing · 22/06/2023 12:08

I think she does need age appropriate truth. Take yourself out of the story if he’s casting you as the villain and put the family court judge back in as the decision maker about what was safe for her.
So no, nasty mummy didn’t stop you seeing daddy. Daddy wasn’t being nice to mummy and he wasn’t looking after himself very well. A judge at the family court decided you shouldn’t see him until he could show he was able to look after himself and you. He fought hard to prove he could do that and the judge decided you could see him again.

This sounds reasonable to me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread