Should I tell daughter about her abusive dad?

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I’m in two minds what to do about this. Daughter who is 8 has started seeing her dad after court ordered no contact due to abuse and having to complete courses.

He has moved on and has another relationship and a baby very quickly. Daughter says and it appears he’s a changed man and not treating his partner how he did me. To be honest I don’t care, I’m just happy to no longer be with him.

What is getting me is he is behaving like Disney dad on steroids. When we were together he did nothing with our daughter. He has had a personality replacement. The thing is he is re-writing history. He is telling our daughter lies about our relationship. He was extremely cruel and abusive towards me (and every women before me). Instead of being truthful he is literally making it all up. Do I tell her the truth in an age appropriate way? He is so Disney that he looks like an angel and his girlfriend is also doing a lot for him. He tells her it was me who stopped him seeing her when it was a court, he says to her how he is a hero and he fought so hard. The truth was he drank and smoked drugs and had to pass tests. If he is a changed person then that’s really great for her going forward. But why lie about the past and make me out to be to blame? He was so so cruel. Why not be honest and say I was cruel but I’ve done a lot of soul searching etc…. Or is he still abusing me as he knows she will come home and tell me his lies. It’s like that decade just didn’t happen to him, he was awful and aggressive, threw things at me, threatened me. I ended up with life long health issues from the stress and the fear.

Or do I say nothing and let her think her dad is everything he says he is, but then he is blaming me and lying and looking like a hero???

So sorry to offend, I did not mention you?
Just concerned for OP x

@MagicBullet she was what about 3 so remembers very little. Contact continued for several months after leaving but he just used it as an excuse to shout and scream at me in front of her, especially if he couldn’t get his own way. He has only stopped the anger since getting with his girlfriend where he’s had a personality transplant. It wasn’t just me he had problems with. He was quite physically abusive to ex’s and lost jobs from intimidating female members of staff.

I am in the you need to tell her camp, especially the court ordered bit that it wasn't you who decided he wasn't a fit parent. If you don't and this continues then the mask may never slip, she may end up feeling sorry for her Daddy being oh so lonely and say she wants to live with him because he misses her so much when she isn't there and it makes Daddy sad. Luckily for me this isn't my situation but my friend's. It was pure manipulation to get back at his ex wife and get to control another female, their daughter, and she was young enough to believe his bullshit because my friend never bad mouthed her ex to her child. She regrets not telling her truthful age appropriate facts.

I would write down what you plan to say so that you have considered your words before talking to her. As demonstrated on this relationships board, grown adults struggle with their love for their parent compared to their known experience of their mistreatment by them. Start with cold hard facts, Daddy wasn't very kind this led to x,y,z. Good luck.

I would say something in an age appropriate way, ‘darling, you know I love you and will always do everything I can to protect you. Your daddy has worked hard to make himself a better person and he did a good job of that so he could see you, but before then he had a lot of habits and behaviours that meant it wasn’t safe for you to be with him. I am glad he got the help he needed and I am glad it is safer now’.

Simply state that the courts wanted daddy to complete some courses so he could be a good Daddy, rinse and repeat. Don’t get drawn into a he said she said back and forth. She’s still quite young and if he’s trying to manipulate her then you don’t want to get sucked into a discussion where she has believe one parent above the other. I would suggest a good child phycologist so your DD has an outlet and support for his BS and you have a third party to corroborate his bs.

Be as unemotional as you can and listen to her concerns. This man has not changed and the Disney Dad on steroids, is a persona that he won’t be able to sustain.

OP for heavens sake, be the adult and protect your daughter from all this.

She is a child, and doesn't need to know, regardless of how unfair it is to you.

@AhNowTed so I protect her by letting him say whatever he wants. I tried to protect her by spending thousands at court but they eventually let her down. He needs to protect her and not talk about it and not manipulate her but unfortunately he is and she has one constant narrative, which she is starting to believe. She has called me cruel amongst other things relating to what he has been saying to her.

I thought that promoting contact and doing as I was told and following what the courts said would protect her. We both attended he separated parents course where we are told to not talk and deflect questions about our relationship. The first non supervised contact he got he told her all about me and what “I did” and that he fought at court against the people trying to keep them apart etc etc.

I have been in this situation with my children (there is now a not contact order in place)
How long has he been seeing her for?
I think you need to try and avoid making it him v you in your child's minds.
I had some stock answers I said to the kids when they asked me questions. This would avoid me being flustered and saying too much/the wrong thing. I would say things such as " I didn't make the decision that dad couldn't see you the judge did". They would then be angry with the judge, which would allow me to comfort them and take away the him v me in the children's head.
I also think your child will know which parents truly loves and protects them. Who has been there for them every step of the way. If he hadn't been seeing her for long there is still the novity factor (for both the father and child). That would die down.
I think you need to avoid unintentislly playing into the manipulation game, by reacting or trying to make sure your child hears the truth. You don't need to do that. I used to say "well it wasn't quite like that" and statements that were not personal to him or me.
Children will often cry and be off sorts when returning/going to the other parents house, try not to make this bigger than what it is. She may well cry for you when he has her.

What reason would your 8yo DD have to call you cruel? This getting to be a bit like a drip feed when every time someone gives you advice (which you asked for) opposite to what you want to hear, you add another little bit about how much your DD is being, manipulated, abused, being turned against you.

Everyone is agreeing with you that what he's doing or has done is wrong. He's an abusive little c*. But some people are just cautiously advising you to be careful what you say to your daughter. They care about her (and you) and want what's best for you both. But everything everyone says is falling on deaf ears. You are absolutely determined to lay out all the brutal, bare truths to your 8yoDD regardless of what potential harm it might do. in fact, i fear you already have and are incensed that it hasnt immediately turned your DD against her dad and that's what has prompted this thread.

I can understand your disgust and anger, I really do, but do you tell your daughter that you were ordered to do a parenting course too? Are you abiding by the advice given about not talking about your relationship too? Or is it a case of one rule for him and another for you, or he did it first so that entitles me to do it too?

If you really are that concerned about your daughter being manipulated and being a victim, take pp's advice about getting you and DD some counselling and also get it back onto court, get SS involved, ask court to order CAFCASS reports.

OP if you cannot see that an 8 year old should not have to comprehend and take sides in her parents dysfunctional relationship, then you need to take a hard look at your motivation here, and who you are actually looking out for, your daughter, or yourself.

What an awful situation for you, I've been there but now my children are a bit older, 10&11, they can see their dad for what he is. They still love him but the acknowledge his faults and, unfortunately, know he is a liar.

Mine has also spun a load of bollocks to one of my colleagues, fortunately she isn't an idiot and also sees through him!

These people can't keep the mask up forever, it always slips eventually. The things he is saying show he hasn't actually changed at all, and your daughter will see it eventually. In the meantime I think age appropriate vagueness is key, without actually bad mouthing him.

But surely he is engaging in parental alienation by making out OP is in the wrong and kept her away from him?

OP I think you should correct her when she says you kept her away from him but keep it simple and factual, 'actually that's not correct darling, daddy wasn't allowed to see you for a while by police/court until he had seen a doctor for his not very nice behaviour towards me and you but I know he's trying really hard now and he loves you, as do i'

Sorry, but no you can't say anything. My father was abusive and it did me absolutely no good psychologically as a child to be informed about it. I deeply wish my mother had waited until I was old enough to process the information without it permanently damaging my self esteem.

All I have said so far is that a judge had to help as daddy had trouble keeping you safe, he went on courses and now it’s safe. I don’t think I’m drip feeding. Those of you who have experienced emotional and mental abuse will in understand how these people act, he is extremely manipulative. I don’t want to get involved at all. I want her to come and go and be happy. He goes through albums as he took them all and tells her how happy we were and doesn’t understand what happened so she comes home asking why I left him and broke up her family. He has said so many more things then I can put on here. He shouldn’t be saying anything. In return I say we remember differently. He asks her to tell him about my health, what we do, where we go how much money we have etc etc.

Honestly OP reading your update I would speak to SS as he is emotionally abusing her. He is revising history and playing in the parental alienation field, I'd ask ss for advice given the history.

I don’t know but I do know I’ll be In this situation years to come.

I personally would so she knew but then also she will always find out for herself and ofcourse right now he’ll be Disney dad and boyfriend and soon enough that women will be where you are after a Ton of abuse and problems! They don’t change for nobody it just takes a woman to be able to put up with their crap to keep the cycle going

Why won't you address anything about getting yourself and DD some counselling? Or about going back to court or get SS involved? Is this not something you would consider?

I feel like your DD needs someone outside of you and dad to share her feelings and confusion with. I'm really concerned about her welfare.

Telling us a little bit more with every post is not going to make me suddenly think, ah she's got it all under control and her daughter is in no danger of growing up an absolute confused and nervous wreck going back and forth between these two parents

I would tell her in an age appropriate way.

that isn’t bad mouthing it’s telling the truth.

because if you don’t you face the really danger of her placing the blame on you.

you need to have a strong relationship with your dd and to let her know you love her and you’ve never ever do anything that would be bad for her.

If it’s been just the two of you for 5 years then your bond will be the strongest. He hasn’t changed, he’s still manipulating have you got anyone you can report this back to?

He does it because he knows he will get a rise from you. Honestly he's feeding off it and it's giving him satisfaction, it's irrelevant they a small child is in the middle.
Honestly all you need to do is stand firm and be a good parent to her. Who cares if he was looking through photo albums with her.
Coming from someone who has been there. You honestly have to let go, he has access to her. Unless it's a safeguarding issue, you need to let things wash over you. You will make it worse for her if your not careful (saying that kindly).
How long as he been seeing her? As this will make a big difference. If it's not been long I suspect she's hanging off his every word ATM. Kids aren't silly she will put 2 and 2 together.

She is getting help currently via the school. The case was in court for 3 years. I don’t think going back would make any difference as they are contact no matter the consequences. I had it all on voicemail what he would do once he regained contact and they still let it happen. I wasn’t too concerned into a couple of weeks back she said daddy needs me he says he can’t live without me. She used to be happy coming and going but she and he have started crying at my doorstep clinging onto each other. I know me saying anything would be too much and I don’t want to become that person. My only other option is to just leave it and let him manipulate her into going. It’s just so awful.

@TickingKey46 I’m unsure whether he is getting a rise out of it. He just seems to need to be the victim in all of his stories. It was the same at court, he said I did those things because she made me. Same when he got fired, she deserved the way I reacted, she made me. He gets away with everything by being the victim. He then seems to use it as a way of gaining supply from others.

What exactly do you want to gain by telling her now?

It is so deeply damaging to your dd to have her grown ass father crying at her during contact.

ex tried this and got a bollocking from the judge.