Should I tell daughter about her abusive dad?

[21seconds12]

I’m in two minds what to do about this. Daughter who is 8 has started seeing her dad after court ordered no contact due to abuse and having to complete courses.

He has moved on and has another relationship and a baby very quickly. Daughter says and it appears he’s a changed man and not treating his partner how he did me. To be honest I don’t care, I’m just happy to no longer be with him.

What is getting me is he is behaving like Disney dad on steroids. When we were together he did nothing with our daughter. He has had a personality replacement. The thing is he is re-writing history. He is telling our daughter lies about our relationship. He was extremely cruel and abusive towards me (and every women before me). Instead of being truthful he is literally making it all up. Do I tell her the truth in an age appropriate way? He is so Disney that he looks like an angel and his girlfriend is also doing a lot for him. He tells her it was me who stopped him seeing her when it was a court, he says to her how he is a hero and he fought so hard. The truth was he drank and smoked drugs and had to pass tests. If he is a changed person then that’s really great for her going forward. But why lie about the past and make me out to be to blame? He was so so cruel. Why not be honest and say I was cruel but I’ve done a lot of soul searching etc…. Or is he still abusing me as he knows she will come home and tell me his lies. It’s like that decade just didn’t happen to him, he was awful and aggressive, threw things at me, threatened me. I ended up with life long health issues from the stress and the fear.

Or do I say nothing and let her think her dad is everything he says he is, but then he is blaming me and lying and looking like a hero???

''Daughter says and it appears he’s a changed man and not treating his partner how he did me. ''

So she knows he treated you badly. Personally, I think he is putting on a show and won't be able to keep it up.
Focus on your daughters well being. Refuse to discuss your marriage or his behaviour with her, that was adult business between the two of you. She's a child with a child's comprehension.
When she comes home keep it light, say ''did you have a good time?'' and keep the convo on things she did.

Occasionally remind her that she should always tell you if she is uncomfortable, unhappy or confused about something that happened, and you can talk it over. Don't name names.

I understand how rough this is, I went through a period with this with ex too. You cannot lay this on an 8 year old, even if you feel you can do it in an age appropriate way. She needs to feel loved and secure with both parents. If she tells you of specific things I would just say “your Dad and I have very different opinions” and change the subject. Agree with all PP who say he’s putting on a facade, it won’t last long, and when it does end she’ll see the parent who remained calm, kind and focussed on her, not whatever happened in the past.

I just hate that his abuse tactic and how he gets his claws into people is by twisting everything so that he is the victim. He has our daughter now trying to make up for the period of no contact because she has been made to feel sorry for him. I wanted to try and teach her that our actions have consequences that we have to live with how we behave. It was sad for her not for him but it was the consequence of his actions that stopped his contact. Instead of feeling sorry for him she should be angry that his behaviour caused it but she says she’s too worried to be angry with him because he won’t be happy.

No OP she shouldn't "be angry".

She is way too young for all of this.

She is a child as is too young for "the truth" regardless of who is at fault.

Keep it breezy as PP said.

Agree absolutely.

Only thing you can do is tell that idiot to stop discussing your relationship and the past with an 8 year old child.

I would absolutely give her a "child-friendly" version of the truth because if you don't he will tell her what he wants and you'll be the bad guy. Others may not agree but there's no way I would be accepting the blame in order for him to look better.
Have you got any letters/paperwork saying that her dad couldn't see her, that you could show her without going into too many details?

It's not about "blame".

It SHOULD be about the mental welfare of an 8 year old.

She wants nothing more than for mummy and daddy to get on, and for her to be loved.

That is it!

I would a) get legal advice as to whether she should be interviewed by a social worker and an application should be made to remove contact again.

Re what you tell her,
"Your Dad behaved very badly to me and the police/the judge decided it would be better if he didn't see you for a while until he stopped being mean to me. He made me very sad and no one wanted you to be sad too.
It's nice that he is being kind now but if he is ever unkind to you you must tell me immediately "

I'm in a very similar situation @21seconds12 and it makes you feel dreadful doesn't it? I agree with @Carryonkeepinggoing that a small amount of truth may be helpful, not too much so that you're indoctrinating your DD in the way that your XH is trying to, but just enough to take you out of the frame of villain that he's trying to put you in.

"Blaming it" on the judge/court is a good way to go I think, my DS is a similar age and his father comes up with all sorts of rubbish, but DS has already worked out that his father tells lies (all on his own, without any help or even suggestion from me), and once the love-bombing/Disney Dad crap is done (and it will end) your DD will start to see who he really is.

So yes he is still abusing you, and your daughter - he hasn't changed one iota no matter what he or his current GF say he is still the same man he always was; if he had really changed as a result of the courses/his own heart-searching, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing.

Stay strong lovely, keep tight hold of your relationship with your DD so that when she's ready she'll know who she can trust.

Honestly, I'd tell her the truth in an age appropriate way. Don't wait for the 'mask to slip' as it may not and even if it does, if you don't challenge the lies, then the damage will be done.
I've seen this happen before, dad told loads of lies about mum (she left us, she's having an affair etc when she actually left due to his emotional abuse) mum never went against anything he said even though it wasn't true and now the children don't speak to the mum and it's all 'poor dad' when he was the abuser and there's nothing she can do about it now. Don't let him lie to her.

Yes, age appropriate. By 13, she will know herself.
You have to. He is abusive. She will grow up knowing you have protected her... huge well done from me x

I would agree with giving age appropriate corrections when your DD comes out with something her Dad has said which is aimed at putting you in a bad light but to otherwise keep neutral and factual when talking about her Dad and avoid badmouthing him

He will likely show his true colours at some point

I would tell her in an age appropriate way. Something along the lines, ‘when we separated, the COURTS didn’t think it was safe fir you to spend time with him. So the COURTS asked him to do some courses and for them to check it was safe fir you to see him again.’

In parallel I’d teach her that she isn’t responsible fir other people’s feelings. If someone is feeling guilty, it’s not her responsibility to ease that guilt etc… and certainly not if that comes to a cost to her.
I remember a poster saying she was watching films to point out how one character was making the other one feel guilty to get their own way etc… maybe this would be away in to highlight the abusive tactics your ex is still using.

I think MagicBullet's message is a good one to go forward with.

I'm concerned you want your DD to be angry, OP. You're projecting all your own feelings on to her and that's not fair, just as what your ex isn't fair either. But two wrongs don't make a right. Do you really want her to hold all those pent up feelings of resentment and anger, make her so unhappy and guilty about wanting a relationship with her dad. It will be bad enough for her trying to cope with dad having a new family and desperately trying to fit in there without the added burden of trying to deal with anything else.
Plus, trying to turn your DD against her dad may well backfire on you. She might end up hating and being angry with the wrong person.

I'd again respectfully suggest you get some counselling to help you deal with your own feelings about the abuse you suffered and how best to deal with what's going on now.

Whatever you say to her will end up getting back to him if your daughter questions it, and he’ll come back with more crap - ultimately your daughter will feel like she’s caught and torn. You really have to just let it go over you. He can only do this for a few years- then she will realise for herself. You’re better just telling her you love her and would never stop her from seeing her dad. If she asks why daddy says otherwise reply you’re not sure, perhaps he’s getting mixed up, but it doesn’t matter, she sees you both now. Don’t let him create more drama for you or her. Stick to the schedule, hopefully she will see through it soon.

He is telling her that I was part of the equation that made him behave the way he did. He isn’t doing it to his current partner so she thinks it’s true. It was not me, I didn’t make him do what he did. I want her to know she isn’t responsible for the way another person treats her and she is responsible for the way she treats people. He is getting out of what he did by blaming. He has done this in all his previous relationships.

@Whenwillitallmakesense I don’t mean I want her to be angry, I want her to be happy not told lies. Why is he making himself out to be the victim and having his daughter cry and worry over him. It’s like it’s him and her as victims against me. I was his victim and took myself out so she is the only really victim in this. He is not a victim. Every other weekend he is filling her head. So much so she comes home to me in tears and crying at night feeling sad and worrying about her dad. It’s wrong.

I understand your anger and frustration. We can literally 'hear' it and no, it's not fair. I'm agreeing with you. He sounds like a twat.
I'm just not agreeing with what you might want to tell her when you're in this frame of mind.

You've asked for opinions and advice and that was mine. You dont have to follow it or agree with it.

i might add that if your DD is really crying constantly and being so upset by the present situation, then maybe you should arrange for her to see a professional too, someone not so close to the situation, who can talk to her in a calm and reasonable way about the abuse she so obviously witnessed, the non-contact period with her dad and his sudden reemergence as a shiny new person. She must be so confused hearing and witnessing such conflicting and disturbing things.

And as an aside, just because your DD is not seeing her dad treating his new wife badly, it doesn't mean he's not - he might have just got 'better' at hiding it from other people. Maybe the new wife is hiding it too because she supported him through his court proceedings and now feels she can't acknowledge or admit he's treating her the same as you were treated because of fear or shame - or any number of reasons why people defend and stay with abusers, all of which are too complex and complicated to go into here. You don't know what's happening behind closed doors. People like your ex do not change, so if he's not already doing it, it's highly likely he will eventually.

She is also a victim. This is the problem.

DD sais to me "it was awful, I knew yo were a lovelt mama, I would comehome hating youbut after 15 minutes know where my home was" She is jst 15 now. Yor DD will nderstand. You are doing so well.

To PP, of course she does not want her DD to hate him. I imagine you have never been a mother in a domestic abuse situation.

sorry for my keyboard, you get the gist.

What does your dd remember of the times when you were still together?

If your dd says ‘but daddy doesn’t do that anymore. So it must have been something to do with you’ then just remind her
’Sometimes people are complicated and bring the worst out if each other. However you are ALWAYS responsible for the way you act. No one can make you do something. It’s like when you and Sarah fall out. Even if Sarah is being mean to you, and you get really angry, then you can’t just go round hitting her. Or throw a yoghurt at her <insert RL example she can relate to but one that is either so outrageous she has to laugh/agree or something far from what you and your dd have experienced with him>.’

You really need to separate your anger about what happened to you from what is happening now with your dd. He was abusing you then and made you a victim. He is abusing her now and trying to maker her a victim. You need to give her tools so she can ‘fight back’/see how wrong this is iyswim.
And it will take time for it to happen because she is a child and she just wants her dad to love her.

I agree with @Whenwillitallmakesense , she will benefit from outside support and advice too.

@adriftabroad I have an idea, you don't presume to know who I am, what I've experienced or been through or on what I base my opinions and I'll extend you the same courtesy, OK?