Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

I don't know anyone straight who has genuinely platonic friendships.
The men/ women are know who are friends are either

Former lovers/spouses who have remained friends

People who met online, one didn't fancy the other, but they stayed friends- but not especially close friends.

People where one has always fancied the other but they were unavailable so they accepted friendship hoping for more sometime (but kept it a secret).

@nibblesthekibbles I can tell you are shocked and sort of grieving for the end of this friendship, but it doesn't have to end.

You could really lighten up and just say 'Hey, Fred, come on mate, don't spoil stuff. You know I don't feel about you in that way.'

You are being very dramatic over it TBH but it's possibly not about YOU, you're just someone who he thinks can offer him an escape from his marriage.

and you have always been there with a sympathetic ear.

life isn't supposed to be hard

You say.

Not sure where this is coming from.

On the scale of human unhappiness, this is way down the bottom end.

Life is bloody hard. Some couples are dealing with terminal illness, parents with dementia, kids with terrible emotional problems.

Sorry but you need some perspective. If your problem was one all those people above had to worry over they'd be happy.

This reads like a novel!

Not a very good one to be fair. Prose is a bit flowery.

I liked the paragraph about endowment mortgages though.

This thread does stand as a validation of my policy to never ever be friends with a straight bloke though.

I’d not meet him as he will see it as entertaining him even though that’s not your intent.

Hate when men do this. I had a male friend who all my friends said loved me. Used to brush it off.

Had a horrid breakup and he said to me in an annoyed tone “you spoke about him as if he’s god.” Erm ok I loved him?!

Few years later I met a new boyfriend and I said I think it’s serious and friend was sceptical. I didn’t tell my boyfriend and his but separate from that my boyfriend commented that he thought this friend loved me. I’d not mentioned what my friends said. I knew that this friend would likely be a problem in my relationship so I cut it off as I suspected boyfriend was the one. I didn’t explain which is a bit harsh but hey ho.

Wise decision, marrying said ‘boyfriend’ this summer. 😄

Point of story - don’t let your ‘friend’ ruin a good thing ie your life!

Talk with your husband, you've got nothing to hide and you need his support right now. You might not need to cut off all contact.

For a start you need to stop feeling guilty about abandoning your friend.
Firstly, he isn't your friend, is he? He's a guy who fancies you and has been letting you be close with him on false pretences. While you've been relaxed and comfortable with him thinking what a great guy he is, he's had an ulterior motive. All that friendship support and attention he's been paying you is because, bluntly, he wants sex with you.
Secondly, if he has unrequited feelings the biggest favour you can do him is remove yourself immediately. No angsty conversations to fuel the fire. Out of sight will lead to out of mind, the sooner the better.

Sometimes when you have stress in your life you fixate on a happier life, maybe just maybe this is what you are, a fixation. In the months ahead your dear friend may wake up and be mortified. It still doesn't help your situation or the grief you will feel at the loss of a good friend.

I think a lot of people on this thread are jealous 😉

Namechanged. From a rather less intense perspective - I faced a similar(ish) situation when a husband of a couple DH and I are friends with made it pretty clear he found me attractive. I'm ashamed to admit I felt similarly towards him - but we were both mature enough to let this pass without diving into an affair or threatening to leave our spouses! While I think there will always be a spark between us, things have settled down and friendship as two couples isn't damaged. More importantly, neither are our marriages! I think we just felt we were adults and could handle this attraction without making a huge deal about it.

Aware this is a bit different as there are no mutual feelings involved - but it's a shame the OP's male friend didn't just have the sense to just let his feelings die down and work through things with his wife. Over the course of a long marriage, someone else might well come along that one develops feelings for - but it's so rarely worth blowing up one's life over!

Some women really will perform the most incredible mental gymnastics to blame a woman for a man's bad behaviour won't they? They're like Instagram pickme "not like other girls" girls except middle aged and with mortgages and range rovers and labradoodles.

Sorry OP this is bollocks. What a prat he is.

In contrast to other posters, I do believe men and women can be good friends, even if one fancies the other. However, that only holds if the fanciER respects the feelings and boundaries of the fanciEE (IYSWIM). This man has not.

He's built up and entire imaginary relationship with you in his head. That is not your, or his wife's, responsibility. It's his.

And you're right, you ARE allowed to be sad that a large part of your social life is essentially over.

I hope he sorts himself out and realises what he's endangering. But again - that's his responsibility, no-one else's.

Thank god you’ve been horrible towards OP for no reason.

So what if her language is flowery… is being educated and articulate with a decent vocabulary a problem now?!

I appreciated reading posts by someone who can actually write.

@MMMarmite

“No wonder people here are so lonely, if they can't fathom any emotional closeness outside of their nuclear family.”

This, exactly. Some of my favourite “uncles” are my mum close friends from their uni days who see me like a niece. I have no biological sisters but many close female friends.

My best male friend is relocating to the country I am in (NOT FOR ME!) due to work and he’s already looking forward to him and his wife having me over to stay weekends on a regular basis (they’ll be living several hours from me) . I am friendly with his wife, but it’s clear she has no special desire to be friends with me but is friendly and kind to me . Reading some of these comments, I’m glad she didn’t decide her husband can’t have any of his own friends when they got married. I would of course end any friendship with a man if the wife wasn’t happy with it, but it’s wild that some people can’t conceive that not every couple operates the same way.

Platonic relationships between men and women can and do work but both of you may need to be careful.

I've had three down the years. Two with people I've met through work though one was a housemate 40 years ago. All were people I found easy to talk to in a way I perhaps would not normally. In the two at work we were at various times in similar roles or the same team. We'd confide in one another about our families and to an extent moan about our partners. One was in a crumbling relationship for a time though subsequently took up with her 'forever' man. The second, 10 or more years later was and still is absolutely in love with her hubby who is the father of the younger of her two adult sons.

A lot of professions, certainly both the NHS and the Civil Service would recognise the term 'work wife' for such relationships between colleagues.

The risk, I think, is that there can be a 'frisson' there as two heterosexual people of opposite sexes that, at least for me, could never be with a bloke. We'd have a platonic hug on parting and a peck on the cheek that wouldn't happen with a bloke.

I suspects that's where the OP's friend went wrong.

If one or both of you are emotional, in a difficult situation and/or in drink it's not difficult to see how things might get out of hand. I suspect that in both cases colleagues might have thought we were more than just friends.

A lot of professions, certainly both the NHS and the Civil Service would recognise the term 'work wife' for such relationships between colleagues.

Sorry, what?

@Bromptotoo The term 'work wife' is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on MN.

I think that you mean is a colleague.

There are some really viscous replies on here.

Some people just love to get their two pence in of nastiness.

Hope it makes you feel better. 🙄

Op you managed it perfectly. Your husband sounds wonderful too. Good luck to you both.

@nibblesthekibbles You say this man is behaving like a 16 year old but is your own response any more mature?

Fully get how you are open with your husband etc but there is an element of 'protesting too much' in your response,

You were clearly very emotionally involved with this guy albeit without the sex.
It's clear you are/were by the fact you are so upset that he's had the nerve to overstep the boundaries.

It's understandable you feel annoyed but not being in touch with him any more is just well, childish. Like a 16 year old running away and not being able to say how they feel.

Behave like a grown up.

Other women could laugh this off and move on (or back) to how it all was.

Comes over as you taking yourself a bit too seriously, with a bruised ego.

A close knit community where they shop at Asda and their similar aged children go to different schools

I absolutely do believe that men and women can be truly platonic friends. Indeed I have such male friends.

But this friendship is so fu¥king odd on multiple and varied levels . Both parties to the friendship to be clear!

@Jazzappledelish I don't understand? We've got an Asda close by and 5 primary schools in a 5 mile radius - what's your point?

Ditto.

but a “close knit community” which is as you describe… definitely means you won’t be bumping in to them regularly like you would in a village with one school and a bakery!

and presumably these these are grown assed adults with job, families, homes, young children… strolling around the local streets isn’t something you do regularly