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Original poster

Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

306 replies

nibblesthekibbles · 21/06/2023 23:22

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad Sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut. Sad

OP posts:
Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 15:45

Added to which, he travels extensively with his work

MrsRachelDanvers · 22/06/2023 15:47

Must admit, I wouldn’t like another woman choosing my engagement ring😁. This friendship seemed to be very intense according to what the OP has written-am sure most spouses would feel uncomfortable with that level of emotional dependency with another person of opposite sex.

Bromptotoo · 22/06/2023 16:19

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/06/2023 15:22

@Bromptotoo The term 'work wife' is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on MN.

I think that you mean is a colleague.

Show quote history

It's fairly well known in the UK and has, IIRC, sufficient traction to be referenced in Wikipedia.

Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 16:21

Bromptotoo · 22/06/2023 16:19

It's fairly well known in the UK and has, IIRC, sufficient traction to be referenced in Wikipedia.

Show quote history

PP wasn’t denying the word exists and is used regularly and on wiki
but rather that it is “ridiculous”

and I wholeheartedly agree!

MiddleParking · 22/06/2023 17:09

Bromptotoo · 22/06/2023 16:19

It's fairly well known in the UK and has, IIRC, sufficient traction to be referenced in Wikipedia.

Show quote history

Yeah but what on Earth do you mean about ‘professions’ like the NHS and Civil Service recognising it? Like it’s in the staff handbook 🤣

MysteryBelle · 22/06/2023 17:34

MrsRachelDanvers · 22/06/2023 15:47

Must admit, I wouldn’t like another woman choosing my engagement ring😁. This friendship seemed to be very intense according to what the OP has written-am sure most spouses would feel uncomfortable with that level of emotional dependency with another person of opposite sex.

Agree. I would definitely not appreciate another woman, a ‘very close friend who knows everything and is always there’ 🙄 who presumably I didn’t even know well or at all, to choose my ring. She would have no idea what I liked.

It doesn’t even make sense.

justasking111 · 22/06/2023 17:39

loobylou10 · 22/06/2023 15:40

@Jazzappledelish I don't understand? We've got an Asda close by and 5 primary schools in a 5 mile radius - what's your point?

Guess she's never lived in a close knit community that socialise outside schools. Belong to clubs, dine, BBQ together regularly . It happens.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/06/2023 17:42

@Bromptotoo If your case rests on a wiki listing then your argument is lost.

You do know that wiki is not a trusted source of anything?

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/06/2023 17:44

'work wife' would belong to all those other loose descriptions like for example 'house husband.'

If we're being sexist😂

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/06/2023 17:50

Going back to the OP I feel boundaries were crossed by both parties.

Choosing his wife's ring is not normal.

Being a confidante where he knows everything about you and vice versa but you are not in a relationship is unusual.

It sets the stage for what has happened - his marriage is in trouble and he turns to you as his saviour.

I think you should have cooled this friendship once you were both married. And, we can't judge of course, but the signs may have been there for some time-the spark or whatever you call it. But as you only thought of him as a friend, you possibly didn't pick up on them. And even though unintentional, your availability to overshare with him may have given him some hope to move it forward.

He wasn't right to do that BUT you can understand why he has.

Riverlee · 22/06/2023 19:14

MrsRachelDanvers · 22/06/2023 15:47

Must admit, I wouldn’t like another woman choosing my engagement ring😁. This friendship seemed to be very intense according to what the OP has written-am sure most spouses would feel uncomfortable with that level of emotional dependency with another person of opposite sex.

I thought the same.

SmurfetteSalad · 22/06/2023 19:41

MiddleParking · 22/06/2023 06:28

I’ll never understand how people with young kids have time for affairs of the heart. Surely there’s laundry you could both be folding.

🤣

lightisnotwhite · 22/06/2023 20:06

Riverlee · 22/06/2023 19:14

I thought the same.

Show quote history

This isn’t a sneaky private friendship. Everyone knows they are friends . This is a typical small town, part of a wider friendship group relationship. The Op and friend have got on as platonic friends for years. Of course they’re close.

Not uncommon. My husband is great friends with his best mates wife.Known each other 30 years. He was her friend through work before she met her DH. She’s really lovely and DH and her often do stuff together related to what they used to do. She loves her DH and DH loves me. They get on well but there no sexual attraction on either part. If she helped him chose my ring it would be because he wanted to get the ring right not because he wanted her in the relationship.

Flyinggeesei234 · 22/06/2023 22:13

MiddleParking · 22/06/2023 14:48

A lot of professions, certainly both the NHS and the Civil Service would recognise the term 'work wife' for such relationships between colleagues.

Sorry, what?

I’ve worked in offices where people have used this term. It’s going back maybe 10 years but it was definitely a thing that happened.

MiddleParking · 22/06/2023 23:00

Flyinggeesei234 · 22/06/2023 22:13

I’ve worked in offices where people have used this term. It’s going back maybe 10 years but it was definitely a thing that happened.

Show quote history

I’m not disputing that there is sometimes cringey and inappropriate behaviour in offices, I was just totally bemused by the assertion that those ‘professions’ would ‘recognise the term’.

Greycloudlooming · 23/06/2023 05:11

violetshampoo · 22/06/2023 14:13

Namechanged. From a rather less intense perspective - I faced a similar(ish) situation when a husband of a couple DH and I are friends with made it pretty clear he found me attractive. I'm ashamed to admit I felt similarly towards him - but we were both mature enough to let this pass without diving into an affair or threatening to leave our spouses! While I think there will always be a spark between us, things have settled down and friendship as two couples isn't damaged. More importantly, neither are our marriages! I think we just felt we were adults and could handle this attraction without making a huge deal about it.

Aware this is a bit different as there are no mutual feelings involved - but it's a shame the OP's male friend didn't just have the sense to just let his feelings die down and work through things with his wife. Over the course of a long marriage, someone else might well come along that one develops feelings for - but it's so rarely worth blowing up one's life over!

I’ve had a mirror experience to you.
He admitted he “loved” me. I fancied the pants off him but a) I was married and b) he was married. I just said I didn’t feel the same and everyone moved on. He was my closest friend within our group. We moved on. No dramas. We still see one another with our spouses and it’s all good. I don’t even think he fancies me anymore, let alone loves me. I certainly don’t find him attractive anymore, no idea why, I just don’t. It just all blew over.

As much as I feel sorry for OP, it does feel from your posts like you’re basking in this and turning it into more than it need be.

Surely you’d just tell him you don’t feel the same and you value the friendship. If he does too then not to mention it or think of it again? Cutting off a friendship when you’ve lived in one another’s pockets etc will definitely arouse suspicion with the friendship group and his wife not to mention have an impact on either his or your social life. It didn’t have to be this awkward. Both him and you!

violetshampoo · 23/06/2023 07:03

@Greycloudlooming - how interesting you had such a similar experience! Great that it’s all blown over - I did find it quite preoccupying for a while, but I had other stress and issues going on in my life and marriage - and I wonder if there was a degree of projection going on, if that makes sense. It could be similar for the OP’s friend?

My feelings towards this male friend have also died down though I think I’ll always objectively find him easy on the eye 😆Similarly, I often sense these that his attraction to me has totally gone. A good thing I know, but it stings a little at times (I know that’s utterly stupid)….!

Jazzappledelish · 23/06/2023 07:37

@violetshampoo how did he make his feeling pretty clear to you?

Jazzappledelish · 23/06/2023 07:39

This is a typical small town, part of a wider friendship group relationship. The Op and friend have got on as platonic friends for years. Of course they’re close.

the OP’s posts suggests an extreme level of intensity, closeness and dependency

Bromptotoo · 23/06/2023 09:33

MiddleParking · 22/06/2023 17:09

Yeah but what on Earth do you mean about ‘professions’ like the NHS and Civil Service recognising it? Like it’s in the staff handbook 🤣

Show quote history

I mean it's widely used amongst colleagues.

Refers specifically to close but physically platonic relationships, formed and maintained in the workplace, between colleagues of the opposite sex, or perhaps for completeness the sex to which both are attracted.

No more no less.

RedNosedReindeer · 23/06/2023 09:56

Primrosefrill · 22/06/2023 00:34

OP ditch him. What a betrayal. "Confidante and go to" - OP I say this gently but I think you have been a bit naïve here.

This is why I now avoid close friendships with men. I have always found there is an ulterior motive, that appears at some point down the line.

I agree. OP, you need more firmer boundaries and you also need to cut off contact to avoid any further misunderstandings as well as out of respect for your family, your husband as well as your ex-friend’s family and loved ones. I feel so sorry for his wife. If he can so easily give her and his children up like that to raise another’s, I can’t help but wonder how he’s been treating them away from others.

RedNosedReindeer · 23/06/2023 09:59

Doggymummar · 22/06/2023 07:34

Please don't meet him. My friend was murdered in the same circumstances, met him after work and stabbed to death. He had become obsessed and deranged. She even had a friend with her who was badly injured.

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@Doggymummar I’m sorry for what happened to both of your dear friends Flowers This is exactly what I was worried about, but I didn’t want to be jumping to conclusions.

Mumsday · 23/06/2023 10:27

Greycloudlooming · 23/06/2023 05:11

I’ve had a mirror experience to you.
He admitted he “loved” me. I fancied the pants off him but a) I was married and b) he was married. I just said I didn’t feel the same and everyone moved on. He was my closest friend within our group. We moved on. No dramas. We still see one another with our spouses and it’s all good. I don’t even think he fancies me anymore, let alone loves me. I certainly don’t find him attractive anymore, no idea why, I just don’t. It just all blew over.

As much as I feel sorry for OP, it does feel from your posts like you’re basking in this and turning it into more than it need be.

Surely you’d just tell him you don’t feel the same and you value the friendship. If he does too then not to mention it or think of it again? Cutting off a friendship when you’ve lived in one another’s pockets etc will definitely arouse suspicion with the friendship group and his wife not to mention have an impact on either his or your social life. It didn’t have to be this awkward. Both him and you!

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OP, I think this is very sensible. You don’t have to cut things off, that’s more drama. Just shut it down and carry on as normal.

violetshampoo · 23/06/2023 10:28

@Jazzappledelish - quite a lot of flirting and I’d catch him staring at me. We found ourselves at a big drunken party without our spouses - we were dancing and he kissed me (briefly) 🫣 I told him to stop/that it couldn’t happen again, he apologised- and we moved on…

5128gap · 23/06/2023 10:44

Greycloudlooming · 23/06/2023 05:11

I’ve had a mirror experience to you.
He admitted he “loved” me. I fancied the pants off him but a) I was married and b) he was married. I just said I didn’t feel the same and everyone moved on. He was my closest friend within our group. We moved on. No dramas. We still see one another with our spouses and it’s all good. I don’t even think he fancies me anymore, let alone loves me. I certainly don’t find him attractive anymore, no idea why, I just don’t. It just all blew over.

As much as I feel sorry for OP, it does feel from your posts like you’re basking in this and turning it into more than it need be.

Surely you’d just tell him you don’t feel the same and you value the friendship. If he does too then not to mention it or think of it again? Cutting off a friendship when you’ve lived in one another’s pockets etc will definitely arouse suspicion with the friendship group and his wife not to mention have an impact on either his or your social life. It didn’t have to be this awkward. Both him and you!

Show quote history

If my partner allowed me to unknowingly continue a friendship with someone who had declared their love for him, and who had he been willing would have cheerfully embarked on an affair with him, I'd consider it a huge betrayal of my trust. Similarly if he continued to be close friends with someone he 'fancied the pants off'. When sexual attraction and romantic love enter a friendship it is no longer platonic. The two people concerned may consider themselves great altogether because they've kept the thing to longing looks, an unspoken and unacted upon star crossed whatever, but for the two in the dark partners, socialising away like there's no hidden dynamic, it's not ideal, is it?