Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

I’m gonna be honest, I also don’t see anything a straight male can bring to a friendship to me as a woman.

I treasure my friendships with women (both straight and gay women) and with gay men, but for the life of me see nothing interesting in a straight male friendship.

Omg Matt Rife is hilarious I love him 🤣

Firstly OK, I'm really glad that you have your head straight and aren't tempted by fantasy. Well done.

Secondly, it sounds like you are being honest with your husband despite it being an awkward situation. Again, well done, you're doing the right thing.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I haven't been in exactly this, but do have a number of male friends. Twice one of them has confessed feelings for me. I'm both occasions though, they've been totally sensible about it, acknowledging that they knew I didn't reciprocate and explaining that they wanted some distance to "get over me". Our friendships never fully recovered, and I miss what we had, but we do still see each other and I really appreciate their attitude and honesty. Both are now happily married.

In your case, your friend has sadly let his fantasy take over common sense. He's probaly been building up to this for some time. Stay away from him. He's not dealing with his problems like an adult.

I don't see why men would want female friends. IME (myself and friends) men settled for friendship.

Men are quite simple creatures. They usually approach women for one thing- mating. No matter how you dress it up that is how straight men are wired.

There are situations where women are sometimes 'one of the boys' and hang around with a bunch of guys (maybe sport, hobbies) but 1:1 man/ woman friendships are very rare (especially if the man is married as their wife would not be keen.)

I've got to a very old age and know none of these friendships. Not one.

Usually one party is constantly hoping it will be more.

Agree!

Don't meet him.

It's the kindest thing.

That sucks OP - I have handful of close male friends - a couple have died actually and managed this without ever showing any interest. Timed out according to some posters. This is his problem, perhaps he is struggling but either way he has ducked it up and it was not inevitable. Your dh has reacted with the same trusting bemusement my dh would have but then he has some good female friends too. I think most adults can manage this.

Why on earth? If you see what straight and gay female friends, and gay male friends bring to a friendship, what is so different for straight male friends?

I would say because (in my experience anyway) the straight male friends eventually make a pass at you.

@MysteryBelle That clip from that comedian is very funny!

So true too.

Also, I have to say, the term 'work wife' makes me wanna boak 😑 It's only ever women who describe themselves as work wives too. Men never say a female colleague is a work wife. This phrase always comes from a woman who thinks she is closer to a male colleague than she is. Makes me cringe!

In my experience they have never been as emotionally intelligent as my female or gay friends, nor as supportive during hard times, would always prioritize their other male friendships first and honestly I enjoy spending time with other women and gay men in a way I don’t with straight men. I prefer what they have to say.

I have also never had a straight male friend that didn’t make things awkward or uncomfortable with underlying currents of wanting something else and so now I’m married I wouldn’t have such a friendship.

It does sound lik he is going through a crisis. Given the length of your friendship and how out of character all this is, along with the bizarre ways he has been acting, he defintely seems like he is having a breakdown. What he is saying also just doesn't really make sense.

However you can't be the one to help him through it. It could be he has had feelings for awhile but was aware that those were not something one vocalizes or it could be this crisis has caused some irrational or even somewhat delusional thinking and he has gotten caught up in his own mind.

How he is acting now doesn't negate the amazing friendship you had nor does it mean he was only ever your friend in order to be with you or that the friendship wasn't real.

It does sound like the friendship needs to end or at least be put on the back burner until he is well again.

100% agree. Have learned the hard way. You can't keep a confidante that's a man and expect it to go nowhere.

Also, I have to say, the term 'work wife' makes me wanna boak 😑 It's only ever women who describe themselves as work wives too. Men never say a female colleague is a work wife. This phrase always comes from a woman who thinks she is closer to a male colleague than she is. Makes me cringe!
I suspect the only time men use the phrase work wife is to downplay an affair, emotional or physical, or when they've realised they can dump things on the female colleague and she'll accept it.

Men don't describe themselves as work husbands.

"Work wife" is a phrase I file next to "I'm not like the other girls".

If my husband said work wife, I wouldn’t care whether he was having an affair or not. I’d be so sickened by his use of that ridiculous word, that I would file for a divorce in any event!

I’m gonna be honest, I also don’t see anything a straight male can bring to a friendship to me as a woman.

How strange! Men are different, individual human beings with different qualities, faults and character traits, just like women are. I don't make friends with people on the basis of what they can 'bring to a friendship', but on the basis of whether I like them and enjoy their company, whatever sex they are.

I would not go to see him. In not-going you show him exactly where you stand. If the two couples can't meet together, as in you and your husband, your friend and his wife, then there shouldn't be any encounters at all.

I have several good male friends, and I have had friendships with males my whole life. DH has female friends he has known since childhood.
So I don’t think opposite sex friendships need to be problematic.

This is so upsetting for you.
from reading your posts it sounds like he would’ve known that you’re happily married and wouldn’t leave your husband.
I wonder if after his drunken night and following on conversation that he might be mentally unstable… Maybe he wanted to meet with you to apologise for that earlier behaviour? I probably would’ve met up with him, husband in tow and told him that aa couple you feel he needs counselling and needs to work on himself and his marriage.
It always amazes me how easily men have affairs, no thought for their wife or children… is sex really all they think about?… more than the happiness of their children?! And why are women always blamed (even by other women). Why do so many still have the mentality that somehow the woman must’ve lead the man on, or encouraged this crush…. She’s a home-wrecker etc…. Or she’s enjoying the drama/lapping up the attention… it’s so wrong! This is all on the bloke, he’s hit a blip in his marriage and rather than work on it and get through it, he’s looking for a safe way out… I also hate this!… if you’re not happy and don’t want to work at it, LEAVE…. Don’t find someone else so you have somewhere else to run to…. Just leave and be single, work on your issues.. people who have to find comfort in someone else’s arms before leaving are just weak & pathetic.
And I’m sure women are sometimes just as bad, but I personally don’t know a single woman who has cheated and left her husband… but I have a lot of friends whose husband/partner has ran off with one of their friends or thought it was ok to flirt on social media with other women. - so I can only go by my own experience.

and @nibblesthekibbles, if you bump into him, I would be pleasant. Stop and say hi to him and his wife, ask how things are, say your life’s a bit busy at the mo and smile and breeze off. If you’re both alone, I’d just say Hi, smile and keep walking… he might realise he’s been an idiot and apologise, you might even salvage some of the friendship, if you do I’d only meet in future in couples or groups, avoid the the 1;1’s unless he actually states that he was sorry and has realised he was in crisis and doesn’t view you like that..
anyway enjoy your family time on holiday x

Agree. What a strange perspective.

I have several long term male friendships. My husband has female friends. I can’t think of a single person I know who doesn’t have at least one friend of the opposite gender.

I sometimes feel like I am living in some other universe as the majority of people on this website. It seems men on here are seen as savage, sex obsessed, emotionally void, lesser humans who you cannot have a friendship with because they’re just either trying to seduce you or cultivating some sort of spell to make you fall in love with them. Where are you people finding these men? The ones I know and have friendships with are just normal, down to earth, trustworthy and emotionally supportive. Just like my female friends.

Maybe it’s a generation thing??
I think years ago men and women weren’t friends, men and women weren’t equal so how could they be friends??
As generations pass the equality gap
is closing, women (hopefully) aren’t just deemed as sexual toys and baby makers… my Nan would never have had make friends that weren’t her husbands friends, would never have met them alone, it was probably in ladylike to even go to a pub without your husband… My mum, - still doesn’t have male friends that she meets up with, but it’s socially acceptable for her to mess around with her friends husbands and my dads friends and just have a laugh with them.. (still wouldn’t probably meet 1:1 with a man though!
next generation again… I have a male friend. We meet up, go for meals together, river walks, shopping etc, it’s completely platonic and we talk about all sorts. There is quite an age gap which maybe helps… but I’ve never felt like he fancies me… nor have I him! However I’ve also experienced friends partners flirting with me & have had to put hem straight… maybe some men are just creeps and others not. We are also still socially conditioned to ‘not lead men on’ so lots of us believe having opposite sex friends is unreasonable…. Like ‘why would a man and a woman want to be friends??….. why not?! But I’ve also had partners that feel threatened by any friendships I’ve had with men, so it’s always hard to navigate.

I suppose as DH and I both have long standing opposite sex friendships, neither of us has ever felt jealous or found it odd. We are in our fifties.
My parents (born in the 1930s) did have opposite sex friends, but probably wouldn’t have gone out with them alone once they were married? I am not sure actually, hmm, my Mum probably would have done things with her oldest male friend if Dad hadn’t been able to go too. He was the mutual friend who introduced my parents to each other. My MiL , 87, has male friends, but they are the remaining halves of couples.

But don’t you think if there is attraction there and the best friend or close friend rather is the go-to confidante, even sharing relationship woes and whatnot, it can lead to an emotional affair?

But that’s if there are firm boundaries involved though. If someone is investing more time emotionally with another person than the actual person they’re in a committed relationship, then such a friendship can no longer be platonic.

I’m confused. Who was blaming the OP? I haven’t been able to read the entire thread but have quickly scrolled through so I may have missed it. Many that I’ve seen are simply sharing their experiences. I think using “bitchy” is completely misogynistic why does a woman have to have derogatory insults that are used for animals? I don’t really understand.