Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

His drunken state.

He has small children and I did not want him falling through the front door in front of them.

That's by the by, however. My DH doesn't get in such states but I would always appreciate a heads up if there was a chance my children would be exposed to something unsuitable.

He hasn't opened my message. I assume he's seen a WhatsApp preview and is content to ignore.

That suits me. That answers my friend problem.

Now I've just got to process all this absolute shite and have a wee moment of feeling sad. I've lost a huge part of my life, I'm allowed to be sad about that.

Life isn't supposed to be hard. I've always been of the view that friends should improve your life. And he really did, until he didn't.

Family unit - we are heading off to Italy here on Sunday. I will not be carrying this with me.

Bloody hell. You work, married, young children… he’s the same

how the heck did you have the time to have this man have such an utterly central part of the fabric of your very existence? 😂

Every post I 🙄

I will bow out!

I don't know. I think that a lot of the replies are very over the top. It sounds like something you can and have dealt with. It sounds like your DH is great. It sounds like this "friend" is having some sort of crisis or is confused or their marriage is having problems and he's looking for an out to justify himself or something.

However, I don't really understand posting it on one of the biggest public internet forums if you are quite as non-drama seeking as you seem to be. What is the point of doing that and what is it you want to achieve? I actually find that part massively disrespectful to his wife even though she is anonymous.

The idea that literally EVERYONE knows the situation except me would be utterly humiliating, even if it is anonymous and deniable?

So I do distrust this a little in terms of what it is you are looking for. It is easy to say "I am this or that" but actions are really what counts, not self-declaration. I think it's fine to have met him in the pub when you thought he was in a state. It's fine to even not cut him off now, but just to say here are my boundaries and I'm going to step back from you for a while. But posting about it on here, that I don't understand. Particularly as I can't see that here can give you much help as your DH who knows the situation and the people involved.

As to the situation I would probably do what I said above. Say these are my boundaries, I'm not indulging this, do not disrespect my family by saying these things and I'm going to step back for a while as you seem to have got too reliant on me (possibly because you've been a confidante to him, like people can get overly attached to a therapist or anyone who'll care to listen sometimes). If he continued, then I'd cut him off after saying why.

It is interesting from your posts that you seem to be very concerned with his feelings and not with his wife's. I assume you aren't really friends with her. If you really think he is having some sort of potential breakdown, maybe your DH can meet him rather than yourself. He sounds a level sort of person and perhaps talking to a bloke would actually help?

@Jazzappledelish live in the same small town, play dates with the children, bbqs, make a point of brunching together once a month - spouses always invited - sometimes one turns up, sometimes both, sometimes none

Don't get me wrong, sometimes weeks would go by without us chatting. He has to drive long distances and he'd regularly ring me via Bluetooth.. after he'd rang the rest of our friendship group.

It's easy to have friends.

I even go to the gym.

Ok @Hadtocomment I appreciate your thoughts here.

I treat Mumsnet as an old friend.

My DH knows this situation, friend obviously knows this situation

Out of respect for his wife, I have not told one other real life person. I do not want anyone knowing about this. I want them to be happy, however that is. They might get divorced. Grand. It won't be because of me though.

I do understand what you're saying but this post was really just a way of venting.

It's a total non issue now anyway. He didn't even open my message. There is no drama. I have a few minor wounds to lick and a suitcase to pack.

So often on mumsnet: "I don't have any friends." "My relationship broke down and I'm completely alone".

Also on mumsnet: "You had a close friend for years and are sad to lose them. You need a bit of time to process this loss. How utterly suspicious, there must be something very wrong with you."

No wonder people here are so lonely, if they can't fathom any emotional closeness outside of their nuclear family.

OP I think it is great to have friends, of both genders. You sound great and like you have your head screwed on. Its a shame that it turns out he wasn't approaching the friendship in the same way you were, and it's completely reasonable to feel sad about that.

Maybe he’s unable to open WhatsApp as he’s in A&E having his phone retrieved from his rectum after his wife twigged.

Out of respect for his wife, I have not told one other real life person. I do not want anyone knowing about this.

I bet you don't. 😂

How do you expect to avoid him so that he ‘never lays eyes on you again’ if this is the case? Surely if the pub he drinks in is just five minutes down the road and it’s a small town how can you cut him from your lives completely without his partner or children also wondering why?

do you just intend to blank him if you see him in the pub/come across him in the street?

Yes, my first house was on an interest only mortgage (at 9%!) with an endowment policy.

We knew very early on that the endowment wasn't going to repay the mortgage and received very regular letters from the comlany to that effect (often printed in red!).

We started making payments to capital as well as interest. The policies didn't perform as well as forecast when they were sold (because interest rates/return on investments fell) but they were still decent investments in the market of the time and it made a nice payout when it matured.

Sorry, entirely the wrong thread 😆

I don’t really understand the bit about it not being fair on your babies ? How does it affect them that your mate has a crush ? Or your husband come to that. Unrequited crushes sometimes happen, it is almost certainly a symptom of unhappiness in his marriage. As you do not feel the same and are very happily married, why can’t you stay friends with him ? He will get over it, he will either work things out with his wife, or divorce and fall in love with someone else.
If you stay friends at some point you will be able to laugh about it.
Of course he may not want to stay friends, if he finds that painful .

Well I haven't quite figured out how to avoid him in Asda - but I'll certainly be giving the places I know him to frequent a miss

As I said I'm not a big drinker or anything, DH and I are normally together or with children in tow

Our children attend different schools, which is convenient

Whilst I replied flippantly to a PP, I should be able to avoid him for the foreseeable. I certainly intend to

I might well have to take a step back from the larger friendship group, and I will need to figure out the logistics of this without telling the truth of the matter and humiliating anyone

At the moment I'm just relieved to have sent the text and for the silence. The silence is golden in this instance

I am really not surprised that he’s interpreted that as having a chance with you tbh. That is quite far outside the realm of most genuinely platonic opposite-sex friendships between married adults.

OP lives in a close knit community as we do. It's not like the city where a splash in the sea is barely noticed. It's more of a rock in a puddle, everyone gets splashed. I've known two groups that have imploded because someone strayed with another member in a group of friends. It's ugly. We avoided getting splashed by orbiting casually for the most part. So we weren't expected to take sides. We stopped going out New year's Eve with groups because things bubble to the surface post Xmas. I found it unnerving when a couple lost it publicly because one of them was cheating or just very unhappy.

I don't miss the drama these days

@SirVixofVixHall thanks for your comment

I felt if I tried to friend him through this, then I'd possibly be colluding or encouraging. Or leading him on or whatever.

My marriage and children trumps my friendship, no matter how dear that is to me

I just do not want to risk my family unit, I am reasonably well thought of in our small town and I would hate to be the subject of vicious rumours

Appreciate I can't control everything but damage limitation. I'm wired to eliminate anything I perceive as a risk to my family and their well-being

For what it's worth - I know it's a silly crush, but I don't want to give it any airtime

If your DH knows about it, which I think he does from this thread though I haven’t read it all, then talk to him. Shut down contact with your friend. He’s being absolutely ridiculous. Do not indulge!!!

I think you've done the right thing. If you met him he might have lunged in for a kiss or some other inappropriate behaviour which would be harder to deal with.

Just to give you a small amount of hope.

I've known someone in a situation like this. Friend was going through a crisis, decided he wanted more. They were both actually single at the time though.

Things cooled for a bit, but eventually friend sorted himself out and snapped out of it. 30 years on, they are back to being good friends, and not a word of this has been spoken since.

Talk about main character syndrome. People in your town are probably not thinking much about you at all and we’re all “wired” to love our kids, most of us just manage to do it without monthly brunch dates with other women’s husbands.

@HostaLuago I hope being dreadful is brightening your day up.

I'm glad you're taking something positive from a sad day in my life.

Thanks for the positive comments from all, and the ones that have given me alternative directions to consider.

My position remains the same - I hope the message remains unanswered and he can work on what he needs to, I cannot and will not be a part of that.

Thanks all, I should not give the hostility a second thought but I'm a bit fragile today so I'm gonna bow out.

Also, DH says thank you.

@MiddleParking

Lol. Ok.

How utterly selfish of your soon to be former friend.