Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

OP ditch him. What a betrayal. "Confidante and go to" - OP I say this gently but I think you have been a bit naïve here.

This is why I now avoid close friendships with men. I have always found there is an ulterior motive, that appears at some point down the line.

He sounds as though he's going through a mental health crisis.

He's not a friend to your marriage. He would be happy if your marriage imploded.

What would you say if his wife contacted you?

🎼 What started out as friendship has grown stronnnnnger….is this him, Op? 😄

You come across as romanticizing, forgive the pun, this friendship and going all nostalgic. He’s been eyeing you up for a while, creepy wouldn’t you say?

He’s not a good friend. He is planning for you to leave your husband, the father of your children and he says he will father them. What??

He’s not a good husband. For obvious reasons.

He’s not a good father. Not a thought about his own children and what he’d be doing to him but exciting about ‘taking on’ your children. They already have a father, helllooo!

Do not meet him, do not hug him, do not give him advice. You are only encouraging it to go on longer if you do. He wanted to explode your family….stop being “soft”

You have quite intense feelings for a friendship, especially where a confession of attraction has apparently blindsided you.

No meeting. No hug. No being ‘soft’, whatever that means. How dare he seek to conspire with you to humiliate his wife. You’re losing nothing with the end of this ‘friendship’ if this is who he is.

This man does not see you as a full human being with your own agency.

You are an object/ vessel for him to pour all his discontent and unhappiness into.

Hes not the lovely person you think he is.

Sure you’ll mourn the loss of the person you thought he was but I think you know deep down that you would be naive to meet him,

Think if his poor wife & kids too , he has already massively betrayed them.

If it was one of my friends and things got this far, I would tell my DP and meet him.
I'm curious this way, and I would want to be sure I helped if there was something to be helped with.

I have some positive experience in roughly similar situations, the last meeting was a kind of closure for both of us.

It's not clear if you've told your husband all the details including this guy's declaration and request to meet - if not I really think you should. He's obviously a bit unhinged and it's hard to predict what he'll do once rejected.

How difficult for you OP, I’m so sorry.

It’s crucial you tell your husband everything. This isn’t a silly crush, this man has suggested ‘taking on your children’. Not his to take!

It sounds like he believes he is entitled to you. Your attention, your affection, your time. For goodness sake don’t meet with him and stop the friendship now.

If you must send a text then neatly summarise that you’re happily married and really not interested in him. No more contact thereafter.

Take time to mourn the loss of the friendship but cherish your husband and family more.

Oh what a sad situation. Will you be frank about it with your husband? He’ll wonder what’s gone on if this man is no longer around. I think it’s safer to tell your husband everything just in case.

Does your husband have an extra close female friend that knows everything about him and is the best friend he could ever have and is there for him?

I hope so because that’s ultra important to you and also, you seem kinda busy.

What a difficult situation. He needs to be set right in this sooner rather than later. I'm not sure meeting him will help. He may take it as a sign that you feel as he does. What a shame that you will lose what was a great friend.

This. The fact that you are a self-confessed softie makes it all the more important you don't meet him.

Plus, I obvs don't know the man, but I would fear for your safety if you do meet him. His level of entitlement to you, as others have pointed out, could make your unambiguous rejection of him a dangerous time for you.

Quite 😆

You don’t necessarily need to lose him as a friend forever - if you stand firm he may in a few weeks/months realise he’s made a fool of himself, and you can resume normal relations.

What a horrible position for you both. It's awful to lose a friend that has meant a lot and brought a lot to your life.

If you can't see a way forward where you can get him to see sense and you'd feel comfortable still being around him, then you're making the right decision to break away. Quick and over is definitely the right way.

I'm very sorry. That's a tough decision that you've had to make.

I suspect he’s had stronger feelings for you than you realised and this has been the case for some time. Unfortunately you need to cut ties immediately as it will only escalate if you don’t. He needs to realise there’s absolutely no chance of this developing into anything.

Agree with @SleepingStandingUp

I think you’re doing the right thing to cut him out. He needs a clear message that he’s changed the friendship and it’s not happening. Mostly he needs to understand that he’s hurting you whilst he carries on like this.

I also think some posters are being blinkered. It really is possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. Although I guess at some point you consider the possibility of it being “more” the reality is that you don’t fancy them but you find them good company as you do your friends if the same sex. NB no idea how friendship works with homosexual couples.

A similar thing happened to a friend several years ago. Virtually identical. It got really nasty. He was totally obsessed. Started hanging around waiting for her outside work and then her home. It ended up with police involved and him being treated as a stalker. No matter what he wouldn't let go. Was an awful time for her.

My advice is just in case, keep all texts and other evidence in case the dick starts going down this route.

DO NOT meet him, he could turn nasty. Make sure your husband is clear what he has said in case he lies to your husband and says you encouraged him. I hate when this happens, it happened to me when I was younger a couple of times with zero encouragement.

She has. She's written two posts about it

I would tell him that you see him like a brother and could never see yourself with him. Try and make it clear that's you are 100% not interested. Then back away for sure.

Actually find it quite ridiculous that as he's now decides that you are the one he's almost decided it's happening! No concern that you might not feel the same! I would be pretty pissed off with him for this. For him assuming that you would go running to him and get no say in the matter. Typical man!

I don’t think you should meet him; That would just be giving him encouragement/hope. I agree with PPs that he may be idealising you as an alternative to current situation with a small family etc but that doesn’t mean you should pander to his whims. I understand about him being your best friend; some of my best friends are (straight) men but we have always respected unspoken boundaries!

Oh OP, I'm so sad for you, you must feel so betrayed. You're losing a pillar of your life in this friendship because someone else just pulled the rug out from under you.
I think sometimes the best way to face something like this and stay strong to get through it is to engage your anger rather than your empathy - WHY should you go and listen to him push an agenda you've already been very clear you're not interested in? You've just lost your best mate, you don't have time or interest in romantic overtures and if he cared about you at all, he wouldn't put you in this position!

It sounds like he's gone far enough down this path in his head that you need to be quite firm with your response to stop him sending further messages - maybe tell him you won't be meeting him tomorrow, or at all, and you're quite angry that he's devalued your actual, real life friendship in favour of a fantasy romance.

I.wouldnt meet him. I'd explain the situation with my husband, so he knew. There's nothing to talk about. Suggest he go to couples counselling and salvage his relationship.