Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

You’re quite right. It does go more into the realms of an emotional affair. It’s tricky to have platonic relationships. And those who say that it’s possible, it’s clear that the level of attraction is just not there or is kept hidden away (I still would find the latter creepy). If two people are attracted to one another but console themselves that they’ve not acted upon anything, I don’t see how that can be seen as platonic and it would also be disrespectful for those in the dark partners.

Similarly, those who‘ve said that they’ve had someone profess their love or know of someone who experienced it and somehow both parties laughed and moved
on, I somehow doubt that the unrequited feelings somehow just “switched off” and they’ve just gotten better at hiding things or the attraction is no longer there and the feelings fizzled away. So the crux of
the matter is if someone hides their feelings, is it still a platonic relationship? I somehow doubt it because at least one person in that relationship would harbour deeper feelings and I think it would be disrespectful to continue a friendship with people are married or in a committed relationship to continue such an intense relationship.

It would be better to have a distance and have firmer boundaries where neither are the each other’s person’s confidante whether they’re in an actual relationship with others or not. It’s just to avoid any misunderstandings and hurt. Not to mention the utter disregard and humiliation of the partners left in the dark.

And I don't think for one second this man finds me half as attractive and lovely as what he thinks he does. He has identified some weaknesses in himself and his own marriage and has decided life would be easier with me.

I’ve read all your updates op but not all the replies so I may be repeating someone but it sounds as though he’s hit problems in his marriage and you are the safe reliable Lovely friend who has always been there - so he’s now seeking that stability from you. Formed some sort of crush maybe - no wonder you’re feeling the way you are.

He’s crossed a line you never thought needed to be there, and sadly made you feel like crap because you’ve had to be the grown up and say “ No, you don’t solve your problems like this!”
As you say, he may sort his marriage out OR he may have sought solace in the arms of another who might not be so steadfast as you - either way that’s his responsibility and not yours.
Its OK to mourn your friendship, and it’s ok to be angry - but don’t dwell on it too much - let it go, have a wonderful holiday with what sounds like one of the best hubby’s (I have one of them too) and if you do ever bump into him just be polite and carry on 💐

violetshampoo
I can think of a similar friendship where if we'd both have been single then something might have happened, think friendly fling from a mutual attraction rather than professing deep love for each other.
We both respected each other's relationships, nothing ever happened, we remained in touch on and off, and over time we drifted apart. We live in different areas now but have occasional contact online.
In hindsight we were probably aware of big life transitions approaching and we're clinging to our youth. If we were in the same town again we could go for a drink together and let our respective spouses know.

A few months before our wedding, we stayed overnight in the Best Man's lodgings. I had an argument with my now DH and he left thinking he'd at least left me in the hands of one of our best and closest friends - in fact I'd known him longer than DH.

Nope. He decided this was a great time to tell me how he felt and suggest we get intimate on the basis that my DH would think we had anyway.

Unsurprisingly our friendship didn't survive that night and we found another great friend to be Best Man. It ruined our friendship and sadly I don't think things can go back to the way they were.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

He doesn't get to decide your life; nor can he insist he "must speak to you tomorrow. " I would send a very icy text refusing to meet him or listen to him, and tell him NOW that you never want to see or hear from him again. Your DH is aware.

If he contacts you again I'd just tell his wife. " We have been wondering if Bob is having some kind of breakdown? He's been pestering me in a very unwelcome way and making a complete fool of himself."

I agree with many others on this post. Do not meet with him.

This is so sad but you are doing the right thing

This! You don't need the emotional manipulation he has planned - and there's a danger that he might record you and send an out-of-context edit to your dh. Not worth the risk, end it now.

If he is a true friend, treat him kindly. He's acknowledged his feelings and they're not the same as yours, but that's not his fault. Be clear that you don't see him that way, but perhaps you can still be there for him in other ways if he's unhappy?

Meet him with your husband and both support him that way he will know where you stand.

Some right bitchy comments, and look, what a surprise, a woman being blamed for a man's bad behaviour 🙄
Men and women can be platonic friends in my experience, but its rarer because men (#notallmen) tend to view women through quite a narrow scope (ie will she be of worth to me, bed me etc)

I was in a similar situation. Out of the blue the guy said, You can leave DH and I'll leave DW. All my life I've been looking for you.
All I could say was, Thank you and goodnight.
How could he think I would betray my DH? Especially for a man who'd do that to his wife?
Don't meet him, it would give him hope and negate anything you might say.

Might it be that life stresses (kids etc) are just fucking him mentally, he’s having a bit of a crisis and thinks life would have been better/would be better with you. Young kids strain marriages.

Same. Op says she's not sweet or flowery but what worldly woman doesn't know that straight men cannot just be friends with women? They always try it on sooner or later. It's hardwired.

I've had a friendship like yours. With a SINGLE man no less. Its petered out over the years as our lives (and Covid) took us in different directions.

I did, and still do, love him. I am NOT in love with him. He is a friend just like other female friends. We have never discussed any bad bits about our partners (or his fleeting not girlfriends)

I'm 100% with you OP. If he ever made any suggestion of that kind of feeling (which he absolutely wouldn't-we are so far from each others 'type' it's laughable) we would never speak again. And that would be shit. It would feel like disowning family. But it would be the best for everyone.

You have done the right thing. But it's shit.

It is also him projecting his feelings about his own relationship onto you and that is also shit because it is very unlikely to actually be anything about you.

This ^

I'm 53 and I'm inclined to agree. Not necessarily mixed sex couples friendly with other mixed sex couples, ykwim.... a friendship that endures for years...

A few times I had these but I maintained the friendships because although I knew they weren't in to me like that, I enjoyed being around them. Got a bit of a buzz. A few men I didn't want a relationship with lingered as friends, but funnily enough, now that I'm 53, nobody is secretly hoping I'll decide I do want a relationship with them. I'm wiser, calmer, more confident than I've ever been, but fewer people have interest in me!

Hi I saw this stand up clip and thought of your post and thought it was rather apt.

I think this guy has hugely overstepped the mark, but the OP has been open with her husband and tried her best to manage the friendship. I don’t blame her at all for this situation.

However, I don’t think it proves that men and women can’t be friends, or that being attracted to a friend means you can’t be friends.

I would say there sometimes is attraction between opposite sex friends. There certainly has been/is for me. However, it is unspoken and will never be acted on as I am committed - married - and take my vows and my family very seriously. There is a huge difference, for me, between a theoretical romantic /sexual attraction and an actual betrayal/affair.

One of my oldest friends (female) moved countries to be with her then-partner. Our mutual friend (male), whom she'd known even longer met/married his first wife. Female friend married, had a kid, then something happened and she was single again as male friend was recovering from a divorce.

He moved countries to be with her.

Female friend was horrified, having met someone else (that caused the breakup of her marriage, actually) - and it was all terribly awful and very British... and incredibly sad.

Male friend is still in Other Country, remarried to a lovely woman, and has a very understanding ex-wife. Female friend's second marriage ended... and she was pissed off that male friend wasn't so eager to leap into bed with her. He'd had a lot of sense talked into him, though, is genuinely happy with his new wife, and realises that he probably had a lucky escape.

Female friend and male friend haven't spoken for 5 years or so, now, which is terribly sad - but he's not responsible for the fact that she's sulking over the fact that he grew the fuck up!

Weirdly, male friend and I are totally platonic (most of my friends are male, I definitely don't fancy any of them, and I'm neither arrogant or daft enough to presume that this means they must all have feelings for me...!) and female friend can't stand that I won't take sides between them. But why should I? I've known them both for the same amount of time, they're both my children's godparents, and I've actually managed to stay friends with all of their respective exes! Had they actually got together, though... yeah; I would have had to cut and run, I'm afraid.

😂😂😂 right on the money

Thanks for that. I've not come across him before

Ha ha brutal but true imo

Love this guy! Have you seen the one where he gets cookies from Christina in the audience? 😂

Do not meet him.

Im sorry but this is why I don’t think platonic friendships work between the genders.