Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

He has no right to demand to speak to you - you have been clear. I’d refuse to meet and end the friendship now.

I know, I've been toying with a quick text to say that I cannot listen to it, and wish him all the best.

His wife is lovely. I really hope he can sort his life out, and I expect I've been an unwitting distraction.

I am nothing special, but I've been there for a long time. I would have always used this friendship to demonstrate that platonic relationships are fine.

My husband thinks he's wonderful. Ffs.

Don't meet with him. To do so is to collude with him, and keep secrets from your husband. That would be wrong. Just say you can't meet, and bring the friendship to a halt.

What an idiot. How did he drop the bombshell? Does he actually think you might give everything up for him?

I agree - he needs a big cold shoulder. Don’t meet him.

He can demand a million pounds - you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and I strongly suggest you respond with your initial post - I have never ever led you on or flirted with you. I am very happily married. You are deluded. Please stop.

He rang me a few weeks ago - was rambling and raving so I actually went to the pub (5 minutes away) as I was so concerned, listened to the bonkers declarations, laughed at the ridiculousness and drove him straight home to his wife.

He has since sobered up, confirmed he remembered and stands by every word and is ready to take on my children apparently.

I actually feel a bit betrayed. Like our friendship hasn't been real and I can't even pinpoint when it changed without me knowing.

I have been abundantly clear on where I stand, and that this is a no go area.

He is refusing to listen. Therefore the friendship has to go. It's sad though as despite me making him sound like a moron, he has been the best and most wonderful friend for half of my life.

So very difficult for you, I think in one way it is easier that you don’t in any way reciprocate his feelings and at least you are clear about the way forward.
It seems that his feelings could be mixed up in assuming the grass is greener, you never can tell what is going on in another couples marriage, some space for him to reflect on his marriage would be appropriate but in saying that you are dragging yourself into it.
I would feel the need to stress that he (and in his wife) are cherished friends and for that reason you would want to distance yourself until they have had time to come to terms with whatever unhappiness ( in him) is causing their marriage to be put in jeopardy ( and that that unhappiness can never be ‘you’).

I’ve been in an almost identical situation. We are no longer friends. At first I felt sorry for him because he was clearly unhappy in his marriage but as time went on I felt angry that he had thought, without reason, that I felt the same.

When I looked back the signs were there really but I must have not wanted to see them. It all made me feel very grubby. He just became quite creepy to me really so I unceremoniously cut him off.

Do not meet with him.

Have you told your husband? You’ll need to explain no longer being friends with him and his wife.

Obviously don’t meet him. I can completely understand feeling betrayed. He’s an idiot. I’m sure you’re wonderful and very desirable but he’s got a fucking nerve telling you this and the idea you’d let him bring up your kids - what, instead of his own?! - is outrageous.

Tempted to tell his poor wife? What if your husband wants to tell her?

I know that by meeting with him I'm giving him a platform to indulge his emotions

However,

I am very soft and I am so fond of him. I would love to just give him a big hug and wish him all the best.

It won't do though, as I know a text will arrive at some stage and I'll feel sorry for him.

Gonna miss him. Or miss what I thought was a strong, lasting friendship.

My husband is very clear on our friendship and I have explained that friend is going through a difficult time and is sailing a bit close for comfort

DH has made it very clear that he trusts me implicitly, as he should, and that I am free to handle this however I chose

DH feels quite sorry for all of us. Friend's wife is a lovely woman, really kind - I can understand some of the issues they're having, but they're definitely navigable. I expect his marriage will recover once I've disappeared.

It is absolutely for the best that contact is broken. Just pissed off that there won't be any more bbqs or Christmas drinks, or funny jokes or brunches, you know.

I'm sad, and I'm raging that I've been such a good friend and through no fault of my own; I'm gonna lose someone I thought the world of.

I think the world of his children. I've told him that he must always prioritise them. I'm a bit disgusted that I've had to point that out.

I have been abundantly clear on where I stand, and that this is a no go area.

He is refusing to listen. Therefore the friendship has to go. It's sad though as despite me making him sound like a moron, he has been the best and most wonderful friend for half of my life.

I'd put these exact sentiments (maybe not the moron bit) into a text & tell him you're not meeting him anywhere.

I'd be a bit pissed off TBH & I'd tell him that too - he suggested breaking up your family!

My husband is a wise owl and does not partake in drama.

He's very much: let it settle and see. Our marriage is very secure and my husband knows I'm devoted to our wee unit.

The let it settle and see idea is silly though, once that line has been crossed..

And I don't think for one second this man finds me half as attractive and lovely as what he thinks he does. He has identified some weaknesses in himself and his own marriage and has decided life would be easier with me.

I've already told him that's not the case, that all marriages go through a point where communication is low and toddlers are hectic. Everyone is tired. I am tired but I'm not seeking validation elsewhere.

Did you really have no idea that he held a candle for you ?

I've always known exactly who fancied me.

Totally agree, @Changeforachange. I'd put it concisely in writing and then go out with DH for a requiem dinner to mourn the friendship.

Can you imagine realising your husband has become obsessed with your mutual friend, built up an entire imaginary romance with her, and decided to raise her children with her instead of his own with you?? Bloody hell, she deserves better than this weirdo!

I hate it when men do this. I've always thought it shows how much they objectify women, even when I thought they knew me pretty well.

No, I've been totally blindsided by this

Hence the feeling of betrayal

I helped him choose his wife's engagement ring, he was the first to congratulate me on the birth of my children

“Brian, on reflection, it’s best we don’t meet. I wish you happiness, but I’ve nothing more to say right now.”

@SarahDippity I like that

Feeling terrible at present. He is clearly an awful husband, and probably friend but I will mourn the loss of my confidante and go to

This man knows everything about me. He's just always been there

I couldn't find him attractive if I tried, I imagine this is what a brother feels like

I wouldnt meet him.

and for goodness sake woman take the blinkers off.

Good men don’t treat their wives like this or make their friends feel awkward.

Let him feel terrible! Honestly, do the mental ‘putting this in a box now Brian’ in your head. Building your own mental fences to safeguard your own relationship should be the focus of your energies. Think about it: why are you wasting your emotional energy angsting about him, and his forlorn proclamations? Pull back that energy to yourself. He is the grenade thrower, fuck it right back. You don’t want it.

But he probably hasn't always fancied her. He's going through a rough patch and he's projecting feelings into someone he's loved platonically a long time and decided she's the answer. He's still being a shit. Op is still right to do what she's doing. But I don't think it's as simple as "well you must have known he's felt like this because he's clearly a terrible human being". People are mire complex than that. He's being a terrible human being right now,

Tell your husband! Keep no secrets from him

Is it just marital difficulties and small children or is he having a MH issue? You’re not the person who can help him through that, obviously, but is there more to it than ‘grass is greener’?