Page 5 | Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

nibblesthekibbles · 2023-06-21T22:22:49+00:00

Hello, Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation. Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not. I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children. I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself. He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship. I am desperately sad [sad] I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself. I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is. I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut. [sad]

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 22/06/2023 08:07

You say your husband is a wise old owl OP, well I think you are too. You have behaved impeccably and are understandably very upset.

sadly I don’t think this will be the end as he’s going to have to explain away the end of the relationship to his wife somehow isn’t he? And if I were her, I would be wanting your version straight from the horses mouth.

Well done for being a strong, straight person though.

billy1966 · 22/06/2023 08:07

QueenVerilas · 22/06/2023 07:57

I suspect your first analysis was right. Things have gone awry with his wife and his thought process has been ‘things aren’t like this with nibbles. Why can’t wife be more like nibbles? Life would be better with nibbles. She doesn’t nag me like wife! She listens and is nice to me! Life would be nicer with nibbles! I love nibbles! Nibbles come to me, you are the one!’

He probably hasn’t always loved you. Like many men before, he’s just fixated on you as ‘not like his wife’ and therefore better. And he’s built this up into a whole historically reinvented fantasy in his head.

I know from experiences with friends the extraordinary imaginings men can create in these situations. One became convinced a woman he hardly spoke to was deeply in love with him but was keeping her distance as he was with his fiancé. Unsurprisingly, when he ditched his fiancé this ‘OW’ still hardly spoke to him as this fantasy was entirely in his head.

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I agree with this.

He is fundamentally concerned about himself, certainly not you, your happiness or choices in this matter.

He knows well you are happily married but his selfishness means he feels fully entitled to blow it up.

He is not who you thought he was, which is very disappointing.

Your friendship was sincere but his was not.

When you genuinely care about someone, you do not presume yourself entitled to blow their life up.

Texting him was the right move.

Mind yourself, the hurt will fade.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 22/06/2023 08:07

nibblesthekibbles · 22/06/2023 07:44

@Maglin if I was enjoying the drama then I'd continue the situation, bask in the compliments and have a good old time thinking I'm special.

I am most certainly not. I feel sick to my stomach.

Anyway, I've dispatched a message wishing him all the best.

I feel shit but it was the correct thing to do.

DH helped me compose the text message, he said he obviously could never approve of another man being interested in me, but acknowledges that my friend has probably lost the plot.

Ah well. I'm sure I'll get over it.

You've done exactly the right thing here. Well done OP. I think I'd block him for now but not his DW. You can always unblock him later.

Youknowaboutthepaint · 22/06/2023 08:08

QueenVerilas · 22/06/2023 07:57

I suspect your first analysis was right. Things have gone awry with his wife and his thought process has been ‘things aren’t like this with nibbles. Why can’t wife be more like nibbles? Life would be better with nibbles. She doesn’t nag me like wife! She listens and is nice to me! Life would be nicer with nibbles! I love nibbles! Nibbles come to me, you are the one!’

He probably hasn’t always loved you. Like many men before, he’s just fixated on you as ‘not like his wife’ and therefore better. And he’s built this up into a whole historically reinvented fantasy in his head.

I know from experiences with friends the extraordinary imaginings men can create in these situations. One became convinced a woman he hardly spoke to was deeply in love with him but was keeping her distance as he was with his fiancé. Unsurprisingly, when he ditched his fiancé this ‘OW’ still hardly spoke to him as this fantasy was entirely in his head.

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Yes that's exactly what happened with my "friend". I don't think he set out to befriend me because he fancied me. In fact in the early days I liked him and we became friends because he was so happily married and such a good husband and father, treated me as a respected collague rather than a sex object. He was a safe colleague in a male dominated workplace where many of the men weren't good ones!

Then when things weren't so good at home and he (thought he) knew such a lot about what my home life was like, he started making comparisons...

Whattodowithit88 · 22/06/2023 08:11

If a man is close friends with a woman it’s always because they hold a candle for them. Men don’t see friendship how woman do and are just fine with male friends only, they only have women friends when they secretly fancy them or want something more.

Youknowaboutthepaint · 22/06/2023 08:16

Whattodowithit88 · 22/06/2023 08:11

If a man is close friends with a woman it’s always because they hold a candle for them. Men don’t see friendship how woman do and are just fine with male friends only, they only have women friends when they secretly fancy them or want something more.

I don't necessarily think this is true, but it's certainly true that it leaves people very vulnerable if things change in their marriage/main relationship.

I also think that the relationship lots of women call a m/f friendship is very close to an EA. It's unusual to have the intense 121 relationship with a woman that these m/f friendships often seem to have.

BalanceMeHumours · 22/06/2023 08:16

He hasn't responded. He either won't, or he'll send me about 30 messages begging to talk it over.

This is actually going to a real test of how good a man, or friend, he is.

The only 'right' way to respond is to take your message with good grace, to apologise for causing you grief and to leave this be. Anything else and he is, perhaps, not so great after all.

NeedToChangeName · 22/06/2023 08:21

He hasn't responded. He either won't, or he'll send me about 30 messages begging to talk it over

If he sends one message asking to talk it over, tell him you don't wish to discuss and will block him if he contacts you again

2nd message? Block him

RedToothBrush · 22/06/2023 08:22

Do not me him. Meeting him says "this woman can be controlled by me. She will drop things to help me. If I persist she will eventually crack".

It also gives him the opportunity to say to his wife that more has been going on than has.

He may be looking to you as "an escape route" from his marriage. You are the grass is greener fantasy.

And because he is living in this fantasy and isn't taking no for an answer you need to make sure there's no chance you are sending mixed messages by being sympathetic and caring in anyway.

He's overstepping. That's not what a friend does. Especially if they are married with children.

Don't be his excuse to end his marriage. His marriage is screwed because he has unattainable fantasies.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/06/2023 08:23

Oh nibbles, I expect you feel quite shaken and upset. Sudden , unexpected and unwelcome upheavals like this feel quite devastating. Often we feel physically disordered, it’s the fight/ flight reaction kicking in.

I think you have behaved calmly, rationally and honourably ( including when responding to the victim blamers - and those who don’t read the OP posts thoroughly, but rush in with their opinion.) Don’t be surprised if you feel a bit weepy and shaky for the next few days, it’s natural. Shed a few tears, it can be a great relief. Or have a nice glass of wine.

I hope you have a calm and restorative weekend with your family.

xxx

PuzzledObserver · 22/06/2023 08:24

OP, I think you have done the right thing - definitely for you and your family, but also for him.

You had told him clearly you weren’t interested, and you say he wasn’t listening. So what purpose would meeting have done? It would have given him hope - and if you had given him that hug, there’s every chance you’d have found yourself in the middle of an attempted snog.

It’s sad. But you will recover. Hopefully he will too. But if he doesn’t - if he goes off the rails - that’s not your fault.

Original poster

nibblesthekibbles · 22/06/2023 08:33

I won't engage with him any further, nothing good can come from that

I don't want an argument, I want to come home from a long day at work and cuddle my family - but I do feel sick

And why do I feel bad? I feel like this man is having a crisis of sorts and I'm abandoning him. However, I acknowledge he is not actually my problem or responsibility

I just feel like he has transferred his troubles to me and I'm now bogged down in something I never asked for

No idea how people who do have affairs have the mental capacity for them. I'm strung out

Thankfully I don't go out drinking as such, generally a glass of wine in the house and I'm rarely without husband or child

I hope he doesn't destroy his family, I'm sure he'll probably latch on to someone else sooner or later

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 22/06/2023 08:36

'However, I acknowledge he is not actually my problem or responsibility'

Hold on to this and remind yourself of it if you end up on an emotional rollercoaster over the next few days or weeks. You have handled this brilliantly. Well done for not meeting him and feeding the drama. Allow yourself some space to grieve for the friendship and to process the shock. What a horrible experience for you x

PuzzledObserver · 22/06/2023 08:37

And why do I feel bad?

Because you care about him and you’re a decent human being. But you’re also mature enough to see that cutting him loose is the right thing to do.

Superdupes · 22/06/2023 08:37

If he starts sending you loads of messages then tell him that your husband is aware of the situation and if he wants to meet then he needs to meet with both of you. It might be the one thing that will actually stop him in his tracks as he obviously isn't listening to or respecting you.

RedToothBrush · 22/06/2023 08:37

Female socialisation to 'be nice' that's all. Your conditioned to respond to demands of others and not to say 'no'.

Willowview · 22/06/2023 08:41

I think you've handled this situation with exemplary grounding and respect for all involved and for yourself. I hope the mention that your Husband is standing your ground with you shocks him into the realisation that it could blow up and he would be left alone. It sounds like this could still happen to him and his family, so sad, but beyond your control.

💪❤️💪

Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 08:41

So when he recently decided you are the one…. How did he tell you. Say you down put the blue and said I love you?

Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 08:43

Ah sorry I see

I don’t know about the breakdown but. He just sounds a bit of a sordid rat tbh.

Ilovepugs2017 · 22/06/2023 08:46

Hey OP, I kinda know how your feeling. I had a male friend who said he was in love with me I was the only one for him etc. I am happily married with three young children, I got married last July after being with my partner for 10 years. This friend was still messaging me the night before my wedding telling me not to do it. I’ve had to cut contact.

Booklover40 · 22/06/2023 08:47

What a cad this man is - his poor, oblivious wife (or maybe she has an inkling and has been tying herself in knots fretting about whether he's "in love" with you and there's an EA going on?)

And the arrogance - the sheer audacity of the man to think that you, who are so very happy and in love with your dh and dc's, would just drop it all for him simply bc he's decided he'd quite like to shag you.

Utter bellend.

Highfivemum · 22/06/2023 08:48

Could your friend be suffering from some sort of mental health crisis ?
I say this as my best friend is a male and we go back to school days. Around 10 years ago after the break up of his marriage he did something similar with me. Not declaring undying love and going all silly as he is also a great friend of my DH but just saying he felt we would have been good together and what if ? That he loved me and all ways had. Like you I was gutted as he is next to my DH and DB my closest friend.
I thought the friendship was over as he had crossed a line. I told him I was concerned as we had always been like siblings etc and he knew I was devoted to my DH. Cut a long story short he had a mini break down. Ended up quite poorly. His marriage woes and work problems had made him see me as his saviour. When I wasn’t. He needed a bit of help. We are now still the best of friends and laugh about it at times.
maybe like my friend your is going through a really dark time and you are his life jacket. Which you are not. If this is out of character I would be seeing if all is well with him. Or get your DH to check his is ok.
just a thought.
best wishes.

Coaster99 · 22/06/2023 08:52

What an awful situation you’ve found yourself in OP, I am so sad for you. The loss of a friendship is akin to a death and the sorrow and grief profound. Go easy on yourself as you move through this and beyond.
I will however offer a little advice as you go along life’s journey. As other people come and go into your life, be cautious in allowing a man other than your husband to become your confidante, your go-to. No matter how much you feel it’s platonic, men don’t. I’ve been there, done that (I’m old) and I’ve also seen it happen to others. Just as they say in When Harry met Sally “The sex part always gets in the way”. Men’s friendships with women are always driven by sexual attraction regardless of your marital status.
Your soon to be ex friend must’ve felt that he held an exceptionally special place in your heart and was willing to cast off his current wife and due to the certainty he felt with you.

HeckinBamboozled · 22/06/2023 08:56

His behaviour and feelings are not your responsibility. Block him on everything and move on.

Baldieheid · 22/06/2023 08:58

Hopelesscynic · 22/06/2023 06:46

I would go and meet him, sure - with my HUSBAND in tow. Let him do his bloody declarations then.

Yep. You and your husband are both his friends. If you're going to meet him, meet him for a drink with your husband and be clear that you consider him a brother, nothing more, and that your husband is well aware of his behaviour. Its not hiding behind your DH, it's ensuring he doesn't feel he has a hold over you.